NYCDoglvr

Here's a spiritual saying: "If he'd known better he would have done better. But since he didn't know better he couldn't do better. I bless and release him to his higher good"

When it comes to active alcoholics they aren't doing their best because they can seek help and stop drinking.

ardy

kids all we can do is keeping trying for a good balance... went to the Dentist.. on Tuesday had to have 2 teeth pulled.. first thing they wanted to know do you drink often and what drugs do you do.. none zero.. nope .. empty on all of that.. so they shot me up... I was sick sick sick on Tuesday for the evening. Eddie Lee was just pacing... not much he could do but keep and eye on me and vitals... by Midnight my body wanted to run in circles... I needed to eat something anything.. jello pudding milk ice cream a couple of bits of something and it came right back up.. Wed.... ok Mother McCree.. Eddie Lee video me.. I was strange... you had no idea what I was going to say... and the why just open the door and let it out.. but I eat some eggs and pancake and went back to bed and then had to rake the leaves for about 3 minutes and then laid on the porch and talked to the leaves... yep... I do feel better today.. fever down ... back at work.. trying to keep my mind in one spot... hahahahh the guy I work with goes tomorrow for 5 teeth to have them out.. hahahahh.. but he is a big drinker.. and has the weekend to recover... what a mess... we can only try to balance when we can.. prayers to all love a nut in Wisconsin...

Sasha1972

I could apply this wisdom (assume everyone is doing his or her best) to a lot of people, but unfortunately me ex isn't one of them. An adult who sends me emails saying "I'm going to destroy you in court and our daughter loves me more than you" or texts saying "If you're worried about what I'm going to do this weekend [when I'm out of town and Kid is staying with a friend], you better cancel your plans and stay home" is not doing his best, or if he is, his best is indistinguishable from other people's worst.

The only way I can detach from taking ex's behavior personally is to remember that he has at least two forms of mental illness which cause him to experience delusions or distortions of reality, and he is acting on those delusions.

But "doing his best"? No. He is choosing to prioritize his addiction over his child. That's not anybody's best.

BAW81

Oh I definitely won't apply this to my ex...but myself and everyone else, for sure.

Sasha - I wonder if our ex's have become "friends" on an upside down forum. They sound like they're taking pages out of the same playbook.

FireSprite

I understand the point you guys are making but for me, that's kind of exactly where this was most helpful.

The understanding that within the state of their mental illness, disease, whatever, that they are doing their best and while it may not come close to measuring up to what I consider qualifying as even good (never mind best), it may even be outwardly & obviously hurtful or malicious...... that doesn't stop it from being the best THEY have to put forth, right now.

Again - it in no way means the behavior is acceptable or implies that I have to tolerate it at all..... it just stops me from going through the range of negative motions (disgust, anger, judgment, etc) and wasting all that brain-time on what I already know I can't control. It helps me "get over it" faster might be another way to say it; i.e. not take it personal that they are this way, at least in reflection to me.

I'm not saying we all HAVE to "get there" with this, I just feel that stuff like this:

is the stuff that becomes bitterness & resentment & keeps me from fully evolving in my process when I find myself thinking it. Even if it's a tiny stone of resentment, it burns like hell. Comparison negates the entire idea that each of our Personal Bests is markedly different, doesn't it?

Bekindalways

^^^^ Yes!

My qualifier (wonderful compassionate brilliant man) wound up committing armed robberies. Not okay. Horrible. Really bad stuff. And yes I believe it was the best he could do at the time.

Seeing it this way helped me to let go. It gave me a bit of wisdom in dealing with him and lowered my expectations.

Although I will say I didn't have children with him so establishing no-contact was pretty simple. Not easy but simple.

nez

People are doing the best they can. The rub occurs when it doesn't match what I deem their best should be, but that only occurs due to an arrogance on my part. When it does occur, I need to get down to right size and practice humility.

Maudcat

For me, it isn’t about judgment, it’s about resentment, with which I struggle mightily.
I like the idea of accepting that people are doing the best they can, but. I think I prefer “everyone is doing the best they are capable of at this moment in time.”
Slightly different emphasis in that it implies that progress can be made, that maybe we can and will do better.
Does that make sense?

Sasha1972

I'm going to push back against this a little bit - when I am feeling resentment towards someone, sometimes it's really about me and my own self-image and I need to get over myself. But sometimes it really is about the other person doing something which is wrong. My resentment and anger isn't going to change that other person - I need to let go of my expectation that the situation will be other than what it is.

But sometimes anger and its little brother resentment are completely justified. Anger can come from a sense of self-worth - "I do not deserve to be treated like this" - and can actually be a sign of health. This doesn't mean I should sit around and wallow and indulge in anger and resentment, because they are toxic when consumed in large doses. I do however need to think deeply about where the anger is coming from, because it could be a bad place or a good place.

velma929

I don't always think people are always doing their best, but I try to act as if they are. When one treats people nicely, one gets better reactions in return. When one's hands are full with a tray full of coffee for one's colleagues, and one smiles at passers-by, someone will stop and open the door for you.

Even sterling people have bad days. I'd want folks to give me the benefit of the doubt.

LovePeaceSushi

What a great thought to chew on!

My logical side knows that I, personally, do not give my best 100% of the time, so neither do other people. What a liberating thought, though, to just chalk up a bad experience with someone to the fact that they're doing their best - - forgive them.

As a Christian, one of the things I struggle with is judgement. I grew up in a highly judgemental family where my performance was always critiqued and nothing ever seemed good enough. (My teacher had to call my mom once b/c I was hysterically crying over receiving a B on a math test.) I am really going to try and incorporate this mindset.

dandylion

One way of looking at it is that we are all protoplasm-filled sacks, hurling through space, just trying to do the best we can at any given time.....

Maudcat

Protoplasm filled sacks?
Reminds me of the scene in Galaxy Quest where they didn’t get the transporting quite right and turned things inside out.
In that case, the protoplasm was on the outside.
Not pretty.

Maudcat

I have been called a lot of things in my life, but never, ever, a protoplasm filled sack.
I like it.
Gonna steal it.

AnvilheadII

maybe people do the best they CARE to do? i know i am not always doing the BEST i can - sometimes i half ass it. i know i CAN do better, but i choose NOT to.

i have been hoping/trying to buy a car from a certain lot. i was handed off to the sales MANAGER. now usually you have to perform evasive maneuvers, sign up with the witness protection program and duck behind bushes to avoid car salesmen. but i can only get response from this putz if i send him another text. last weds he texted me something about a car mystery for the car i am looking for. this was AFTER he begged off for family matters, which i gave him a pass on.

so today, i sent him another text basically saying look, i need to get moving on a car soon, if not with your lot then elsewhere.

oddly enough, i had a reply in FIVE minutes. so sorry, getting right on it.

i'm starting to wonder if A) this guy has ever actually SOLD a car before or B) if he has a wee bit of a drug/alcohol problem and keeps flaking out. regardless, he is NOT doing the BEST he can as a CAR salesman. the only reason i have stuck it out this long is he told me he had a car or two of the style/year i wanted in my price range.

now, of cours,e he isn't sure. so he has til tomorrow to come thru or his entire car dealership can do without my business.

i get the philosophy.....it helps us not take THEIR stuff personally.....and to stay away from seeing any true intent to do harm. but there are those that DO intend to do harm......that do abuse, manipulate, neglect, for no other reason than that they just didn't give a rip. i'm just not sure everyone gets a free pass.......

Maudcat

I know!
When we lived in PA, there was a dealership that we liked to purchase cars from because it was so laid back.
It was a bit eerie, though.
It was like we had to beg them to sell us that car.

hearthealth

I've been reading alot of emotional negligence lately. It makes me sad. I wonder if there's two types of people. Those who do the best that they can and the second type who just don't care their impact on other people. They are just self centered.

Our own option is not to try to define them but to define us. What we are truly willing to accept?

FireSprite

Such resistance, such semantics!

Same difference to me - the best they care to do = Their Best. Their reasons for it are still not worth my investigative time.

Ditto to above - they might be the most selfish people on the planet... still doing THEIR best. Their best includes just happens to include an inordinate amount of selfishness.

Exactly. The only part that matters is what we're willing to accept & draw boundaries around - THAT'S what we can control...... not qualifying the ins & outs of everyone else's Best.

And no one is even suggesting such a thing - it's not about excusing their behavior... it's about not wasting MY time trying to dissect THEIR dysfunction. That's it, nothing more complicated than that.

hopeful4

Yes, I think the mix up here is no one is saying that anyone's best has to be your acceptable.

My XAH may have been doing his best, but his behavior is/was unacceptable to me, and that is all that matters. That's my only part it in.

Sasha1972

Thanks, that makes more sense to me. At the end of the day, XAH is doing what he's doing. He won't do differently/better because I want him to or because I try to do things for him. He's engaging in behavior which he thinks is fine, although I think it is not. For my own sake, I need to accept the reality of the situation as it is, rather than wasting a lot of energy trying to figure everything out in the hope of changing it somehow.