WoundedOne

Hi everyone!
Im new here and just wanted to get some feedback on why my gf would just text me after 57 days in inpatient treatment to tell me to move on and basically said she doesn't want anything to do with me .

I've been nothing but supportive to her and have unconditional love for her. Ive put up with so much stuff and yet she can dump me at the drop of a hat like i"m nothing but a piece of trash.

I have been supplying things for her in treatment and also giving her small gifts to show her I care and am here for her.Things she told me she needed. Then she said that she shouldn't of accepted anything from me and shouldn't of spent time with me before treatment > What the heck !!! All I get is a "I can't be bought" statement. Like i feel she has made me the evil one and I feel like she's ostracising me from her world. Makes me feel used and even more abused than when she was drinking. No matter what I do I can't win.

I was told that treatment centers sometimes brain wash the alcoholics into thinking that the people that love them most are the demons that sometimes keep them sick. Is that true? Cause I am no demon and I am the one angel and truly good person that has been in her life.

I am angry at this and texted her one sentence back.."Fine ur wish is granted!" I am so angry and sad at the same time . She has done nothing
but destroy me over and over sober and not sober.

I mean I feel stringed along . Before she left for treatment 57 days ago we spent a great time together talking about how good treatment will be and how she really wanted to go . Then this .....Then I got some short texts 3 weeks ago and now the final blow.

Sorry if this is so choppy sounding.....Im just so upset to the core !

Clover71

I have nothing to say except that I'm sorry. That's tough. Try to take care of yourself

WoundedOne

I think that the treatment center has told her and who knows what she says in treatment but probably blamed me and everything under the sun for her drinking. I think the analogy of a "wholesale program " and "one size fits all" is such a disservice to us folks that have been loyal thru all the alcoholics crap. But it doesn't make the pain any less for me. I am
hurting to a degree that I've never experienced before.

At 57 days fragile sober she is probably still not thinking clearly I suppose. And takes crazy advice from the other addicted people close to her there. Gosh I don't know my brain can't wrap myself around her action now anymore than I could when she was drinking.

The I loves you's that I got all the time .... was that all lies? The feeling she expressed to me just before she left were all so sweet and made me melt. She was so heartless and cold in her text and kinda robot like .

I feel that the treatment place is ripping us apart instead of making it better!And they have nailed my coffin shut and buried in the ground in regards our relationship

HTown

You are angry at the treatment center. You should be angry at her. She has made her decision clear. I hope you realize you are better off without her. Who knows if she will stay sober. You deserve so much more. Clearly she does not value you. Her loss. Best of luck to you. Change your number and go no contact.

WoundedOne

Believe me Im just as angry at her! Its hard to let go and move on when you've been so blindsided in a short text. I have so many emotions its overwhelming!I have put so much work into her that I'm frankly pissed at wasting my time and energy. Dealing with everything under the sun with this woman and now this!
Unbelievable can't understand this insanity

SparkleKitty

My friend, you were in a relationship with an alcoholic, a person who has habitually masked her emotions with alcohol. To recover from this, she needs to build a relationship with herself, one she has likely avoided for years, and that is going to take all of her energy and attention. It is very likely that she does not even know who she really is without her drug of choice...and even more likely that you have never really known the true her either.

I understand how you feel. But when we give as much as you say you have, we are either doing it for another person without expectation of reciprocation, or we are doing it for ourselves, to fill some void in us. I am sorry you are so disappointed, but that is the risk we take when we are involved with someone who is substance addicted. She has a long road ahead of her, but you have a journey of your own to make.

AnvilheadII

so it sounds like the time you had together before rehab wasn't exactly a picnic.....

Dealing with everything under the sun with this woman and now this!

no addict in the weeks/months/years leading up to rehab are having a GOOD time.......it's a living hell no matter what it looks like on the outside, or how the addict ACTS. that's all it is.....an act....inside they know sh1ts going south and they hate the cycle. that's why they go to rehab to try and make it stop

she may be trying to shuttle all the people places and things that comprised her using days. she may see your relationship as toxic.....for both of you. living in addiction svcks for all involved....it's a soul destroying disease.

think of this....regardless of the break up stuff.....she is almost 2 months clean and sober. do you recall ever just praying "if she would just stop drinking....!" - well she's got 57 days under her belt now. that should count for something for someone you claim to care about.....

WoundedOne

Dont get me wrong I'm happy that she is sober but her cruel personality is still there. And yes our relationship was no picnic. I guess I have a view in my head of us that maybe never really was. That is my coping mechanism to deal with all the pain. Which is unhealthy for me. I care about her and love her and just wish everything could be normal. But that is nothing but a fantasy. I sway back and forth between reality and lala land. I am such an empathetic fixer that it has brought me to this point in my life. I always think positive and anything can be fixed if you try. But I'm powerless to fix her and our relationship. And frankly I am having a hard time accepting whats coming my way now. I feel as though right when things are going my way with her in treatment working on getting well that the rug has been pulled out from beneath me. Not what I had planned on how this would go. I hate the word POWERLESS!

Deep down I think I know she is not for me. And to deal with this forever ...the constant scare of her relapsing.. or whatever things come her way that she can't handle will be too much for the rest of my life. I know this deep down. I just don't want to admit DEFEAT.
And love and my feeling won't fade anytime soon. When I fall I fall hard for someone. Maybe thats a defect in character for me .

DesertEyes

Refrain from giving advice and opinions in your posts. This website is for peer support only, which means share only your personal experience with the subject of a given thread. See rule #10

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ting-tips.html

If you cannot be supportive and have direct experience with the original question then do not post in this thread. There are hundreds of other threads where you may actually be helpful, go find one and post there.

I have removed posts that gave advice and opinions and are against SR rules.

Mike
Moderator, SR

Bekindalways

Hi Woundedone. I'm so very glad you found us and so sorry for what you are going through. This hurts beyond anything.

When I left my Qualifier (qualifier = alcoholic with whom you are/were involved), I had never felt that level of pain. It truly is mind blowing. Because of this please please do everything you can to take care of yourself: spend time with supportive people; try if you can to get a bit of exercise; Eat well. Doing all of this when you are dying inside is super tough but it can help.

Some have found Alanon to be helpful. Also the book Codependent No More is a bit of a bible around here. Lastly, I recommend the book How to Survive the Loss of a Love; it's short, funny, and gets to the heart of the horrible pain you are in.

Big hug to you beautiful one. It will get better but it takes time. Let us know how you get on.

SoManyQuestions

Wounded One, I completely understand how you are feeling. I think this situation (or some variation of it) is fairly common. The alcoholic is advised to avoid people, places and things associated with their drinking. And they do need to be able to focus solely on recovery. Relationships are possibly the biggest cause of relapses.

I was blindsided when my ABF of nine months told me he had to take a break from our relationship when he started going to AA....he said he didn’t want to, but it was a matter of life and death. I had similar feelings about AA as you do about the treatment center. I felt like his sponsor was running his life. I hadn’t even known my bf was struggling with alcoholism, although all the signs were there I later found out as I began to educate myself. He had also told me he loved me, that he felt we had something special, alluded to a future together. I think he meant what he said when he said it, as your gf most likely did, but those words were spoken under the influence.

My bf told me I was great, but the break seems to be a breakup after 7+ months. I sent small gifts, cards and letters just like you to reassure him of my love. But, recently I have come to believe that all that attention can be viewed as “pressure” to recover and recover quickly. Their brains have suffered damage during their addiction and it takes time for the fog to lift, the brain to be rewired, and their emotions to stabilize.

It is very painful what you are going through, and you may obsess over your gf for quite awhile as I have over my bf. But, it does get better. No contact helps. I can’t say I have totally given up hope, but the success stories of relationships that survive usually are because both people have been working on their own recovery.

The more I learn about alcoholics and recovery whether by reading or viewing movies, or TV series featuring alcoholics , the more that I think it is probably a blessing in disguise that romantic relationships are discouraged during the first year of recovery. The A’s emotions are all over the place, their addictive behaviors are usually still present and the non-alcoholic partner is experiencing many conflicting (often negative) emotions as well.

Try to take good care of yourself, Focus all of that loving care you showed your gf on yourself. Figure out what you want and put your energy into yourself and what you can change. As friends have said to me, this breakup is not about you. Your AGF recognized she has a problem and she’s is taking steps to get healthy. Sometimes we all just need to work on our own stuff for a while before we can be a good partner for some one else. Wishing you strength as you navigate these difficult months ahead,

WoundedOne

Thank you everyone for all your support, kind and insightful words. I have a long road ahead of me to recover from this devastating relationship. I'm caught between hope and no hope and now she's texted she feels there is no hope for us at all. Hearing her up and down words really plays a trick on my mind. I always keep having to tell myself she's sick and won't be better anytime soon. She has always been selfish as far back as I can remember. So being selfish in recovery shouldn't be a stretch for her. But we are,
as I can slowly see polar opposites. I can also see that I'm trying to attribute normalcy to her something she is NOT! I feel like I'm going crazy because I have moments of clarity of what she is and then that part of me takes over and is the stupid side of me that doesn't understand. Almost as if I'm split in half.

Oh gosh, its gonna take me so long to sort through my memories and see them for what they really were. And I'm a thinker and I will have to learn how to not have these obsessive thoughts over her.

Givenup2018

Wounded One, welcome to the world of alcoholism, sometimes there is no making sense of what is happening. However let me write this

1. This is painful for you but why do you feel the need to hang onto someone who is obviously very sick. Are you a KSA, do you have problems of your own were you feel the need to stay in a sick relationship (believe me we all have and have slowly discovered we are sick too).
2, Get into Al Anon and learn to work on yourself, to build youself up.
3. Do not beat yourself up about your GF. You did not make cause her addiction, you cannot mend her, you can only take care of yourself.
4. It is possible that she has been told not to be involved romantically for the first year
5. You may have been an enabler, you sound way too nice and we al anon are often not helping by enabling our qualifiers.

You sound young, I suggest you use the time she is not around to better yourself, in fact you may begin to like yourself so much you decide that you want more in your life including respect, to be well treated, etc none of which an addict/alcoholic does tbh.

Finally if she was cruel with the alcohol you may soon discover she is cruel without also, that is just her personality, start making moves to run.

PeacefulWater12

Sorry you are going through this traumatic situation.

I found joining Al-anon and working their program a great help and comfort.

dandylion

WoundedOne......most certainly, you are grieving....as is normally expected for what you have just experienced.....
I know what that is like...and, there aren't enough words to adeq uately describe what that k I nd of pain feels like.
At first, it feels sooo overwhelming...and, like nothing else will ever matter, again...like love is lost and will never be, again....
Thankfully, Nature has wired us to be able to heal and to adapt and to go forward....
I know that it is too hard for you to realize it , right now...but, it won't always feel like this.....I promise!
For right this minute...maybe, all you can really do is cry. Crying is o.k....in fact, I am a big proponent of the healing powers of crying.....

My suggestion...if and when you feel those obsessive thoughts taking you too far afield....find ways to redirect your brain---do something different....change you mood or location or your activity...
(obsessive thoughts, to a certain extent, are normal for the grieving period...just don't let it take you too far in one session)......

Clover71

The obsessive thought pattern can be overwhelming. Have you considered talking to your GP and then a therapist?

I understand some of your feelings, as I too am a "fixer" and probably give to much of myself. I have learned in time to change that though, in the sense that I take care of myself more and am learning to become more healthy so I don't choose relationships where it's easy for me to be taken advantage of. I have more boundaries and think about my needs more. If someone is a net energy taker, I either avoid them or take breaks from them. With regards to being powerless. You don't give yourself enough credit. You are not powerless when it comes to yourself. You may be vulnerable and hurting, but you will have the power to redirect you. Oh and that feeling of defeat - I know that's a tough one. Don't see it as giving up but rather see it as action. Sometimes walking away is actually a positive step, and walking away is a difficult and strong thing to do

WoundedOne

In regards to to why I feel I need to hang onto someone who's very sick. I was raised that you don't give up on someone. I fight for what I love. That was my thinking in dealing with her. I understand that in this situation it is not healthy way to be . But I also grew up in a codependent home where I was always trying to please and keep the waters calm. So I come across that naturally. Yes it is a flaw. But I also see it as I'm a good caring person who is willing to go the extra mile. But I get that it is unhealthy for me in dealing with my gf.
Also I'm not sure what KSA stands for? I'm not well versed in the lingo yet.

I have been looking up Alanon for some time now but kept putting it off. Todays my day off and I think I'm gonna look up a meeting. I am so grateful that others know what I'm saying and feeling on here. It gives me great comfort to know I'm not alone.

Thank you all so very much

dandylion

WoundedOne.....Growing up...we are all given messages about h ow to be in relationships. We get these messages from everywhere...from our parents and all forms of media...and the movies and schooling and from the Church.....
We are told these things...and, for the most part they are right and they workm in helathy relationships....
but what most of us are never told is this-----Addictions and abuse turn everything that works in healthy relationships ...topsy-turvy.....
the normal rules don't work......Who knew?!

Bekindalways

Those obsessive thoughts are a booger. I remember them all too well. I decided to pray for him once a day. I reasoned that if I gave myself permission once a day then I could stop the thoughts for the rest of the day. It didn't work.

Here is what I did.

1) went no contact
2) counted no contact days the way sober folks count days without alcohol
3) followed some dreams: lived in South America and worked on learning Spanish
(I'm still pretty good at Spanish)
4) read How to Survive the Loss of a Love over and over again.
5) patted myself on the back, if I got through a day without shooting myself or calling him. (Did I mention that I was in really bad shape??!!)

The psychedelic, glow-in-the-dark pain did eventually stop. It took way longer than I wanted. After the pain stopped, I still had all the traits that led me into the relationship and I slowly discovered how profound all these issues were.

This can and even probably will plunge you into a time of acute depression even to the point where you can't sleep. Because of this, you might consider seeing a doc and explain what is going on.

I wish anti-depressives had been more common when I went through the breakup. Looking back, I really could have used them. This may sound extreme but what you are going through is no joke. I wish there were rehab places for codependents.

Big hug to you and do whatever it takes to get through today.

Berrybean

Hugs to you. I'm so sorry you're in pain.

Having grown up in a codependent home the other resource that may be useful for you is ACOA. This stands for Adult Children Of Alcoholics (and other dysfunctional families). Their handbook is a real eye opener and can be bought for online reading using the kindle app.

BB