How do you get away?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: The Woodlands, TX
Posts: 68
How do you get away?
I have left my AH at least 2 times and I feel like it's just a matter of time before it happens again. The last 2 times it happened he stalked me, he absolutely would not leave me alone. He would show up at my office and at my house. He was never violent but would plead and beg and just bug me to talk to him.
I just don't know how to escape him. I feel like I would need to leave the state just to get some peace. I have adult children and 2 grandbabies so needless to say I don't want to leave, but sometimes going far away seems like the only option.
We had a family friend that lived with her AH for years and had 3 kids one day she just left and had no contact with any of them until they were grown. It caused them terrible pain and I could never understand how someone could do that. Now I kind of understand the pain she must have been going through to take such a drastic measure.
How have you dealt with something like this without loosing your sanity and your family??
I just don't know how to escape him. I feel like I would need to leave the state just to get some peace. I have adult children and 2 grandbabies so needless to say I don't want to leave, but sometimes going far away seems like the only option.
We had a family friend that lived with her AH for years and had 3 kids one day she just left and had no contact with any of them until they were grown. It caused them terrible pain and I could never understand how someone could do that. Now I kind of understand the pain she must have been going through to take such a drastic measure.
How have you dealt with something like this without loosing your sanity and your family??
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
Restraining order? Call the cops? File for divorce? some mix of all of the above?
part of the problem here is that you have shown him that IF you leave, you WILL be back. that fuels his "stalker" actions, because you have backed down before.
if you feel threatened in any way, please contact your local DV hotline.
part of the problem here is that you have shown him that IF you leave, you WILL be back. that fuels his "stalker" actions, because you have backed down before.
if you feel threatened in any way, please contact your local DV hotline.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2016
Posts: 384
This is going to sound very immature, and I suppose at the time I WAS immature... but I told him a lie that I knew would completely push him away for good... we were in the middle of a fight that he was trying to pick and I remember the realization that it just wasn't going to work.
I was the same way... no matter how many times I tried to end it it never stuck. I had started researching alcoholism and knew that it wasn't going to get better, and that I was extremely unhappy... but I felt so STUCK and I knew that he would have to be the one to leave in order for it to be over for good.
I'm not suggesting you try it my way but I want you to know that it's not easy and what you're experiencing is (IMO) pretty common in these relationships.
I was the same way... no matter how many times I tried to end it it never stuck. I had started researching alcoholism and knew that it wasn't going to get better, and that I was extremely unhappy... but I felt so STUCK and I knew that he would have to be the one to leave in order for it to be over for good.
I'm not suggesting you try it my way but I want you to know that it's not easy and what you're experiencing is (IMO) pretty common in these relationships.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: The Beach
Posts: 1,106
This is how I approached leaving.
I started learning about codependance. Devouring any bit of information I could find on the subject.
When I just couldn't take it any longer. When I decided it was time to leap from the sinking ship and start swimming... When I decided to start taking care of me instead of trying to control something that wasn't mine to control, it all sort of just fell into place. I had no idea how I was going to afford to support myself, I had no idea how I'd manage to live on my own( I never had).. I didn't know how I was going to be able to face friends , family and neighbours having "failed" at my marriage.
The truth is, my sanity was much more in jeopardy while living with a man active in his alcoholism. Actually from THE DAY I moved out I have never again had to take meds for the anxiety I had developed.
I cried a lot. Honestly I didn't know a human being could produce so many tears. But it was cleansing and needed.
I read SoberRecovery EVERY DAY. I didn't post much but I didn't have to. There is ALWAYS someone here that is in exactly the same place we happen to be in on our journey. Reading the threads and posts from people who had come through exactly what I had helped. A LOT. Some of them have come back from far more dire straights than I was in.
My family members were confused and angry... XAH and I were separated and living in the same house for a long time before anyone knew we'd broken up, so it was a big shock to everyone. It didn't take to long for them to come around. I still have some guilt about having torn apart our intact family, but I'm working on that. As a person, a whole and healthy person, I am a better mom ( to young adults) than I was when living in the grips of my codependance.
Today, more than two years out, I am far more sane than I was then and I still have the unconditional love of my family...it just looks different than it used to. I feel confident most of us here, who have been where you are but gotten to where I am, or beyond, will agree, that it is so worth it!
Wishing you peace with whichever path you choose.
I started learning about codependance. Devouring any bit of information I could find on the subject.
When I just couldn't take it any longer. When I decided it was time to leap from the sinking ship and start swimming... When I decided to start taking care of me instead of trying to control something that wasn't mine to control, it all sort of just fell into place. I had no idea how I was going to afford to support myself, I had no idea how I'd manage to live on my own( I never had).. I didn't know how I was going to be able to face friends , family and neighbours having "failed" at my marriage.
The truth is, my sanity was much more in jeopardy while living with a man active in his alcoholism. Actually from THE DAY I moved out I have never again had to take meds for the anxiety I had developed.
I cried a lot. Honestly I didn't know a human being could produce so many tears. But it was cleansing and needed.
I read SoberRecovery EVERY DAY. I didn't post much but I didn't have to. There is ALWAYS someone here that is in exactly the same place we happen to be in on our journey. Reading the threads and posts from people who had come through exactly what I had helped. A LOT. Some of them have come back from far more dire straights than I was in.
My family members were confused and angry... XAH and I were separated and living in the same house for a long time before anyone knew we'd broken up, so it was a big shock to everyone. It didn't take to long for them to come around. I still have some guilt about having torn apart our intact family, but I'm working on that. As a person, a whole and healthy person, I am a better mom ( to young adults) than I was when living in the grips of my codependance.
Today, more than two years out, I am far more sane than I was then and I still have the unconditional love of my family...it just looks different than it used to. I feel confident most of us here, who have been where you are but gotten to where I am, or beyond, will agree, that it is so worth it!
Wishing you peace with whichever path you choose.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Alaska
Posts: 2,913
I left AXH and went back several times before it stuck, so to speak. I called off our engagement and left; obviously, that one didn't last since he's now an ex-husband. I left once with our toddler and we stayed at my sister's for a few months before AXH convinced me that he was going to AA and things would be different. (Honestly, he didn't have to try very hard on that one.) There were a couple times before and between all of that.
The last time I left him, I was lucky that he didn't believe I'd stay gone. As for how, I had a list that I kept at work of things I needed to do. I'd add to it or mark done as needed. Save money, find a secure apartment, etc. But I'm guessing that list is not really what you're asking about.
If you're at all fearful of how he'll handle it, I wouldn't let him know in advance. If he's abusive, I'd work with the local DV resources to plan leaving safely. I should have, but I wasn't really even aware that AXH was abusive until after I started counseling.
Once I was out, like Smallbutmighty, I cried a lot. But the first few days/weeks/month in my own place, I was stunned. I went back and forth between feeling so free and happy to feeling anxious, fearful and guilty. I dealt with family asking Why? and telling me that he was DS's father, no one would ever love him or be the father to him that AXH is. To get past all of that, I had to remind myself often exactly why I left. I made a list of all the hurtful, horrible, mean things he did and I looked at that anytime I wanted to call him.
Eventually the friends and family who didn't get why I left, either started to understand or stepped further away. (Him faking cancer helped clear up a lot of ambivalence, even when I didn't tell them about his addiction or abuse.) Those who continue(d) to believe AXH's lies aren't needed in my life or our son's life.
It was hard. But it's not forever. All I had to do was the next thing that was right for me and DS. All I had to get through was *now*. Not 2 weeks, 2 months or 20 years. Just *now*.
The last time I left him, I was lucky that he didn't believe I'd stay gone. As for how, I had a list that I kept at work of things I needed to do. I'd add to it or mark done as needed. Save money, find a secure apartment, etc. But I'm guessing that list is not really what you're asking about.
If you're at all fearful of how he'll handle it, I wouldn't let him know in advance. If he's abusive, I'd work with the local DV resources to plan leaving safely. I should have, but I wasn't really even aware that AXH was abusive until after I started counseling.
Once I was out, like Smallbutmighty, I cried a lot. But the first few days/weeks/month in my own place, I was stunned. I went back and forth between feeling so free and happy to feeling anxious, fearful and guilty. I dealt with family asking Why? and telling me that he was DS's father, no one would ever love him or be the father to him that AXH is. To get past all of that, I had to remind myself often exactly why I left. I made a list of all the hurtful, horrible, mean things he did and I looked at that anytime I wanted to call him.
Eventually the friends and family who didn't get why I left, either started to understand or stepped further away. (Him faking cancer helped clear up a lot of ambivalence, even when I didn't tell them about his addiction or abuse.) Those who continue(d) to believe AXH's lies aren't needed in my life or our son's life.
It was hard. But it's not forever. All I had to do was the next thing that was right for me and DS. All I had to get through was *now*. Not 2 weeks, 2 months or 20 years. Just *now*.
I could see peace instead of this
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Canada, eh
Posts: 2,360
My way of doing it was to completely cut off all contact. I knew what a sweet talker he was and although I was done, I still was afraid he'd get to me in a moment of weakness and talk me into going back once more.
Refusing to respond to him in any way and eventually getting a restraining order and phoning the police when he violated it are what worked for me.
Refusing to respond to him in any way and eventually getting a restraining order and phoning the police when he violated it are what worked for me.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: The Woodlands, TX
Posts: 68
Originally Posted by SmallButMighty 
This is how I approached leaving.
I started learning about codependance. Devouring any bit of information I could find on the subject.
When I just couldn't take it any longer. When I decided it was time to leap from the sinking ship and start swimming... When I decided to start taking care of me instead of trying to control something that wasn't mine to control, it all sort of just fell into place. I had no idea how I was going to afford to support myself, I had no idea how I'd manage to live on my own( I never had).. I didn't know how I was going to be able to face friends , family and neighbours having "failed" at my marriage.
The truth is, my sanity was much more in jeopardy while living with a man active in his alcoholism. Actually from THE DAY I moved out I have never again had to take meds for the anxiety I had developed.
I cried a lot. Honestly I didn't know a human being could produce so many tears. But it was cleansing and needed.
I read SoberRecovery EVERY DAY. I didn't post much but I didn't have to. There is ALWAYS someone here that is in exactly the same place we happen to be in on our journey. Reading the threads and posts from people who had come through exactly what I had helped. A LOT. Some of them have come back from far more dire straights than I was in.
My family members were confused and angry... XAH and I were separated and living in the same house for a long time before anyone knew we'd broken up, so it was a big shock to everyone. It didn't take to long for them to come around. I still have some guilt about having torn apart our intact family, but I'm working on that. As a person, a whole and healthy person, I am a better mom ( to young adults) than I was when living in the grips of my codependance.
Today, more than two years out, I am far more sane than I was then and I still have the unconditional love of my family...it just looks different than it used to. I feel confident most of us here, who have been where you are but gotten to where I am, or beyond, will agree, that it is so worth it!
Wishing you peace with whichever path you choose.
I started learning about codependance. Devouring any bit of information I could find on the subject.
When I just couldn't take it any longer. When I decided it was time to leap from the sinking ship and start swimming... When I decided to start taking care of me instead of trying to control something that wasn't mine to control, it all sort of just fell into place. I had no idea how I was going to afford to support myself, I had no idea how I'd manage to live on my own( I never had).. I didn't know how I was going to be able to face friends , family and neighbours having "failed" at my marriage.
The truth is, my sanity was much more in jeopardy while living with a man active in his alcoholism. Actually from THE DAY I moved out I have never again had to take meds for the anxiety I had developed.
I cried a lot. Honestly I didn't know a human being could produce so many tears. But it was cleansing and needed.
I read SoberRecovery EVERY DAY. I didn't post much but I didn't have to. There is ALWAYS someone here that is in exactly the same place we happen to be in on our journey. Reading the threads and posts from people who had come through exactly what I had helped. A LOT. Some of them have come back from far more dire straights than I was in.
My family members were confused and angry... XAH and I were separated and living in the same house for a long time before anyone knew we'd broken up, so it was a big shock to everyone. It didn't take to long for them to come around. I still have some guilt about having torn apart our intact family, but I'm working on that. As a person, a whole and healthy person, I am a better mom ( to young adults) than I was when living in the grips of my codependance.
Today, more than two years out, I am far more sane than I was then and I still have the unconditional love of my family...it just looks different than it used to. I feel confident most of us here, who have been where you are but gotten to where I am, or beyond, will agree, that it is so worth it!
Wishing you peace with whichever path you choose.
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