3littlebirds

Hi everyone!

I just stumbled back onto SR forums while searching google for "narcissistic alcoholic". I had an account under Queenofthhwy about 11 years ago and under this name about 4 years ago. I have been reading all my old posts and it's really hard to read and then realize even with all the support from all the lovely people here, I failed. I failed to be strong enough to stay away, I failed myself and my kids. Now I'm in the same situation with a lot more experience and a lot more hurt.

I think that maybe things have gotten better we don't fight as much but we are so distant and something just feels off, like we both just settled. Sometimes things are good, sometimes I love him and sometimes I hate him. I feel like I am crazy!!!

I have been reading books about codependency and living with an alcoholic spouse and a lot of it hits home, but then sometimes I think well he's not as bad as these people and so I think maybe I'm overreacting.

I am really so happy to be back here and I look forward to getting to know all of you!

Lilro

Welcome back Little.

Did you ever think that maybe you have just been beaten down by years of the same ole, same ole? Please don't think of yourself as a failure. We've all stayed much longer than we should have. I wish I had more to say but glad to meet you. Keep posting...
Ro

theuncertainty

Glad you're reaching out for support and I'll kind of echo Lilro's post: please don't be so hard on yourself. Situations change and evolve. It's different now than it was then. Things you may not have been ready to implement then, you might be able to do now. It doesn't mean you failed. Your name reminds me of the Corrine Bailey Rae song, "Put Your Records On", so:

Sending hugs. Take gentle care of yourself.

3littlebirds

Maybe, that's it. I am just glad that I am back here!

3littlebirds

Thank You! Things are different now, I feel like I am more educated about codependency and enabling. I had a huge realization about why I am the way that I am. I was raised by a codependent mother, and also an alcoholic father. I didn't really label my dad as an alcoholic until now because my mom was so good at hiding it from me. Ah the things that come to light once you know what to look for!

I am a big Bob Marley fan that's where my name comes from. I try not to worry because I know in the end everything is going to be alright

SmallButMighty

You are not over reacting!

Just because he doesn't beat the crap out of you, just because he doesn't terrorize the kids or just because he doesn't drink from a brown paper bag in an alley does not mean he isn't an alcoholic.

If his drinking affects you in any negative way, it IS a problem for you, and that is LEGITIMATE.

I faced a lot of judgement (and guilt) when I left my XAH after more than two decades together, because people didn't think I had it "so bad"... " he is a good provider, he doesn't physically abuse you, etc"... but they weren't living my life, in my marriage, to an alcoholic, while my own mental and emotional health failed miserably.

Please don't underestimate how deep of an impact his drinking has on your life and your family.

I'm glad you found your way back here, stick around!

*hugs*

3littlebirds

I know you're right, I just don't want to face it. I don't want to hurt or be alone.

dandylion

3littlebirds....aren't you already hurting? aren't you already alone in the ways that really matter?"......
If the answers to these questions are "yes".....then, I propose that being alone and h urting hasn't killed you.....
You have no idea how good it can feel on the other side of the mountain!!!

3littlebirds

I am, but I really love him. God I am an emotional wreck right now. My head knows what's up but my heart won't admit it. I am such an emotional person in every part of my life. I feel like I have pregnant woman hormones lol!

I'm in that part of the cycle in the relationship where everything is going so good and we love each other and things seem like they will work out. I know it won't last, it never does, but I don't want to let go of this.

dandylion

3littlebirds......loving someone doesn't protect us from being damaged by them.
sometimes, the only option left is to lo ve them from a distance. You don't have to stop loving...just protect yourself while you are loving.....

3Litlebirds....are you going to a support group....are you working with your own counselor or therapist?

since it is a given that it will get worse, again....wouldn't it make sense to prepare yourself for when it comes. A plan. Strengthen yourself. Prepare yourself.
There are lots of people to help you...you just have to reach out for it.....

LexieCat

It's perfectly possible to love someone and not want to be married to him.

That's how I feel about my first husband (who actually has decades of continuous sobriety)--he's a dear friend and I love him. But the marriage didn't feel right, and I, too, felt like we were "settling." We've been divorced for over 20 years and are still good friends.

Don't you deserve better for the rest of your life?

AnvilheadII

we secretly release our own RED FLAG anytime we say:

BUT I LOVE HIM

Sunshine1234

I second what Anvil said. I remember so many times crying to my family and saying "but he's a good man". Now looking back I should have never had to even feel the need to say that. If it's true it goes without saying.

3littlebirds

I appreciate all the feedback here it's nice to know I'm not alone.

AH works out of town during the week and comes home on the weekends. Right now things are good, but who knows what the weekend will bring. My head has been spinning lately with all of the things that I have repressed over the years and the realization of just how bad things have gotten and the damage done to our children. I'm angry, anxious, sad, hopeful, and a hundred other feelings. I want to just run away and get away from it all.

Sunshine1234

I know the feeling...I wanted to run away too and I actually did in the middle of the night when my XAH didn't come home because he was out on a binge. I ran and even though I hesitated in the beginning and was looking back...now I don't for a second . We have 2 small children together so I know how hard it can be with kids. I am glad you get some peace when he travels during the week. You can have a much more peaceful life all of the time though. It may seem impossible but it's not. One step at a time.

3littlebirds

Things actually went incredibly well this weekend. I used some of the detachment skills I have been reading about and I didn't ask about alcohol or how much he drank or if he bought a bottle. It was a really good weekend and we got along and didn't fight at all. I did notice something about myself though... I am super clingy like almost obsessive I felt like I needed his attention 24/7, I felt like I wasn't complete without him. I want to be a complete person on my own, I want to be independent of him and content with who I am . I guess I am a work in progress but I am excited to see who I become.