Confused
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2016
Posts: 9
Confused
Everything I have read says to not use someone's past against them.
My husband called me a terrible person bc I was mad that he drank a lot of natcotic cough syrup last night bc he's "sick" (allergies). He picked an argument over everything this morning then left for work then came back to let me know it's my fault for being mad AT HIM. So when he said I was a terrible person, I said, that coming from you who has done horrific things to me and our family bc you decide to drink?? Fired from job, naked girl pics on his phone, sent pics of me to other guys that I didn't know he took bc I was sleeping, going to jail, it goes on and on.
Am I the terrible one for saying being mad doesn't someone a terrible person, treating your family horrible is what's terrible.. Am I crossing a line, boarding on emotional abuse??!!
My husband called me a terrible person bc I was mad that he drank a lot of natcotic cough syrup last night bc he's "sick" (allergies). He picked an argument over everything this morning then left for work then came back to let me know it's my fault for being mad AT HIM. So when he said I was a terrible person, I said, that coming from you who has done horrific things to me and our family bc you decide to drink?? Fired from job, naked girl pics on his phone, sent pics of me to other guys that I didn't know he took bc I was sleeping, going to jail, it goes on and on.
Am I the terrible one for saying being mad doesn't someone a terrible person, treating your family horrible is what's terrible.. Am I crossing a line, boarding on emotional abuse??!!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2015
Posts: 468
You are being emotionally abused, if that is what you are asking. I have been there, and it was clear to everyone but me. Now that I have taken a step back from the situation I was in, I can clearly see it was continual manipulation on his part. And, as my gut was trying to tell me, it was not my fault. It is hard to listen to our gut whenever the loud, dominating voice of our AH is telling us otherwise.
There is a big difference between using someone's past against them and asserting boundaries. He is well aware of what he has done, whether he will admit that or not. His anger is being perpetuated by his bad actions and guilt. So, I don't think you need to bring it up or remind him of these things. But, what you do need to do, is decide how much more you are willing to take, and start setting boundaries.
There is a big difference between using someone's past against them and asserting boundaries. He is well aware of what he has done, whether he will admit that or not. His anger is being perpetuated by his bad actions and guilt. So, I don't think you need to bring it up or remind him of these things. But, what you do need to do, is decide how much more you are willing to take, and start setting boundaries.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
If he's treating you badly, you have a right to be angry. But what good does it do to simply be angry and retaliate by dumping a litany of all the bad things he's done? Does it make him change? Does it help YOU?
I'd suggest that you channel that anger into doing things to make YOUR life better. Are you going to Al-Anon? If not, this would be a great time to start. You don't have to change everything this minute, but as mentioned above, you can start looking at ways in which your behavior might be feeding into this endless merry-go-round, make some good boundaries, and get your head clear so you can decide what you are, and are not, willing to live with.
I'd suggest that you channel that anger into doing things to make YOUR life better. Are you going to Al-Anon? If not, this would be a great time to start. You don't have to change everything this minute, but as mentioned above, you can start looking at ways in which your behavior might be feeding into this endless merry-go-round, make some good boundaries, and get your head clear so you can decide what you are, and are not, willing to live with.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
I don’t think you are the one crossing a line or emotionally abusing this man because you got mad at him drinking a lot of cough syrup.
His behavior is that of an alcoholic, defensive, coming back to argue more, etc.
Have you thought about seeking help for you? Like say al-anon, counseling?
His behavior is that of an alcoholic, defensive, coming back to argue more, etc.
Have you thought about seeking help for you? Like say al-anon, counseling?
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Livingdeadgirl.....I do think you have a right to tell a partner how their behaviors affect you and make you feel.....the sticky wicket, though, is that telling a drunk anything will often lead to a terrible argument!
I think you are being emotionally abused....and taking pictures of you and sending them to other guys IS BEYOND THE PALE...it may even be illegal....since you were asleep when he took them....
Naked girls on his phone....disgusting and a violation of trust in the relationship...unless you have an "open marriage".....
This sounds like a horrible way to live.....
Would you be willing to get help for y ourself...?
I think you are being emotionally abused....and taking pictures of you and sending them to other guys IS BEYOND THE PALE...it may even be illegal....since you were asleep when he took them....
Naked girls on his phone....disgusting and a violation of trust in the relationship...unless you have an "open marriage".....
This sounds like a horrible way to live.....
Would you be willing to get help for y ourself...?
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Originally Posted by Livingdeadgirll 
sent pics of me to other guys that I didn't know he took bc I was sleeping
Yeah, as dandy said, that's probably a crime. Regardless of whether it could be prosecuted, it's serious abuse.
I'd really strongly suggest that you call either your local women's shelter or the National Domestic Violence Hotline and talk with an advocate. Nobody will make you do anything you aren't ready to do, but the advocate can help you with resources and safety planning so you can stay safe in the meantime.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: USA
Posts: 2,393
I concur that you reach out to a DV advocate who will offer you support. He sounds like an abhorrent irrational abusive and manipulative @$$HOLE that you're so enmeshed with his ways, you don't even see it for what it is. Just know YOU matter and are worth more than what he is dishing out. Please seek help, I'm glad you found SR.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 773
So glad you found SR!
You are not a terrible person, he is the abusive one. I had experience with similar behaviours, including sending pics to his friends - I was not sleeping, he just wanted to brag to his AA buddies about his yonger wife (I am 13 years his junior), but he sent them without my permission. I was a terrible mother, terrible wife, terrible cook, terrible in bed.
It only bothered me for a few years, because then I realized I was none of those things.
So I kicked his sorry broke aging arse to the curb.
Hang in there, get help, detach - you deserve much better then this!
You are not a terrible person, he is the abusive one. I had experience with similar behaviours, including sending pics to his friends - I was not sleeping, he just wanted to brag to his AA buddies about his yonger wife (I am 13 years his junior), but he sent them without my permission. I was a terrible mother, terrible wife, terrible cook, terrible in bed.
It only bothered me for a few years, because then I realized I was none of those things.
So I kicked his sorry broke aging arse to the curb.
Hang in there, get help, detach - you deserve much better then this!
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
