Unhinged
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2016
Location: San Diego, CA
Posts: 179
Unhinged
OK my SR friends,
I have to get this off my chest. I have been going through a decade long period of time of being gas lighted by my xA's mother. This woman is completely content and happy (in such a fake way as to be DISGUSTING) where she has nothing but good things to say about me or to me while I am supporting her on her quest of enabling her A son and providing him with a place to shelter and have 100% access to her grandchild.
She has become aggressive towards me in a very passive aggressive way because she knows I am leaving her A son AGAIN and she knows that she cannot say NO to enabling him. Last time we were broken up for a year, she literally paid over 10k in rent for him while he was working and gave her $200.00. So, I know that she sees me leaving him as a direct threat to herself (and her own pocket book). In the past, she would manipulate me by saying that since he was a stay at home dad (by his own completely irresponsible behavior and my inability to change his desire to go get a job and help with the household) she would PAY to get a lawyer to take my child from me. At the time, I had no money and I was scared and manipulated. Things have changed. Anyways not to sidetrack, but this woman tonight full on confronted me. I literally told her what I thought of her enabling, what I thought of her manipulating, and let her know that I was my son's mother and I was going to protect him and make decisions on his behalf without her input, because she was not entitled to it. I let her know that I was no longer willing to put up with being mooched off of. I let her know that it's OK for her to enable her son, but that I was no longer participating in it. I was sooooo upset I was SHAKING, my entire body. But, I let her have it and I stood my ground. I did not curse. I did not berate anyone or put anyone down. But, I told her in no uncertain terms what I expect as far as respect.
I have to tell you friends on SR, that it felt SOOO good. It felt wonderful to stand up for me. It felt wonderful to be in charge. It felt wonderful to not be drifting through the FOG.
I honestly don't care if she pays for her grown Alcoholic Man-Child for the rest of her life. That is on her AND him. I personally will not be responsible for the care of a man who is grown and can take care of himself but chooses not to. I will not teach my son that it is OK for a man to abuse a woman and be a selfish a-hole (for lack of a better word). I will not teach my son any longer that it is OK to live with and put up with addiction. These things are not OK and tonight I stood up for myself and him and was BRAVE.
My brother came over tonight and he said to me, wow, you have a glow back and I can tell you have been losing weight. I lost 60 pounds before I let the A back in and gained it almost all back due to the stress. Once I put my mind to moving on with my life and away from him, my will power came back and I have been literally dropping weight for the last month. My drive to eat healthy and exercise has returned. All the stress that I have had to deal with since his return into my life has taken a physical and mental toll on me. But I say NO MORE will I venture into the void of this destruction.
Sorry if I am all over the place, just a really emotional and awakening moment for me tonight. I feel so good to have released years worth of tension. I feel so wonderful to feel on strong footing in my own conviction of what I know is right to be treated with decency and respect.
I have to get this off my chest. I have been going through a decade long period of time of being gas lighted by my xA's mother. This woman is completely content and happy (in such a fake way as to be DISGUSTING) where she has nothing but good things to say about me or to me while I am supporting her on her quest of enabling her A son and providing him with a place to shelter and have 100% access to her grandchild.
She has become aggressive towards me in a very passive aggressive way because she knows I am leaving her A son AGAIN and she knows that she cannot say NO to enabling him. Last time we were broken up for a year, she literally paid over 10k in rent for him while he was working and gave her $200.00. So, I know that she sees me leaving him as a direct threat to herself (and her own pocket book). In the past, she would manipulate me by saying that since he was a stay at home dad (by his own completely irresponsible behavior and my inability to change his desire to go get a job and help with the household) she would PAY to get a lawyer to take my child from me. At the time, I had no money and I was scared and manipulated. Things have changed. Anyways not to sidetrack, but this woman tonight full on confronted me. I literally told her what I thought of her enabling, what I thought of her manipulating, and let her know that I was my son's mother and I was going to protect him and make decisions on his behalf without her input, because she was not entitled to it. I let her know that I was no longer willing to put up with being mooched off of. I let her know that it's OK for her to enable her son, but that I was no longer participating in it. I was sooooo upset I was SHAKING, my entire body. But, I let her have it and I stood my ground. I did not curse. I did not berate anyone or put anyone down. But, I told her in no uncertain terms what I expect as far as respect.
I have to tell you friends on SR, that it felt SOOO good. It felt wonderful to stand up for me. It felt wonderful to be in charge. It felt wonderful to not be drifting through the FOG.
I honestly don't care if she pays for her grown Alcoholic Man-Child for the rest of her life. That is on her AND him. I personally will not be responsible for the care of a man who is grown and can take care of himself but chooses not to. I will not teach my son that it is OK for a man to abuse a woman and be a selfish a-hole (for lack of a better word). I will not teach my son any longer that it is OK to live with and put up with addiction. These things are not OK and tonight I stood up for myself and him and was BRAVE.
My brother came over tonight and he said to me, wow, you have a glow back and I can tell you have been losing weight. I lost 60 pounds before I let the A back in and gained it almost all back due to the stress. Once I put my mind to moving on with my life and away from him, my will power came back and I have been literally dropping weight for the last month. My drive to eat healthy and exercise has returned. All the stress that I have had to deal with since his return into my life has taken a physical and mental toll on me. But I say NO MORE will I venture into the void of this destruction.
Sorry if I am all over the place, just a really emotional and awakening moment for me tonight. I feel so good to have released years worth of tension. I feel so wonderful to feel on strong footing in my own conviction of what I know is right to be treated with decency and respect.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Glad to hear you've put in your walking papers with everyone.
I assume you realize this may have zero effect on her behavior, and may increase her hostility toward you. That doesn't mean you've done anything wrong, just that you should be prepared for it.
I wouldn't worry about her ability to "take your son away"--just document EVERYTHING said and done by either one of them. It might come in very handy at some point down the road.
Hugs,
I assume you realize this may have zero effect on her behavior, and may increase her hostility toward you. That doesn't mean you've done anything wrong, just that you should be prepared for it.
I wouldn't worry about her ability to "take your son away"--just document EVERYTHING said and done by either one of them. It might come in very handy at some point down the road.
Hugs,
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
L, congrats! You are taking back your life, and it feels so good.
This might not be the only time you will have to do this with "mom" the enabler, but it is so worth it. She knows you mean business. Make sure you follow through with everything you said, or your discussion will mean nothing.
This might not be the only time you will have to do this with "mom" the enabler, but it is so worth it. She knows you mean business. Make sure you follow through with everything you said, or your discussion will mean nothing.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 773
Good for you - so brave!
As for ex MIL - she seems a lot like mine. She never was really authentic with me or DS, had hard time connecting with DS (he is on autism spectrum and she is a bubbly narcissistic type - she always complained that he is not "social" lol)
When I split from her son - she was my BFF, called ever day, to talk about DS, books, craft projects, her paintings, my work
Once she realized there is no getting me back (I asked her to stop telling me how handsome her son is and how well he is doing staying with her and his brother), and that I don't care to be his friend since he abandoned us for the booze and drugs, she turned on me. We had a pretty intense moment of her going into full narcissistic rage with me crying and her yelling at me.
She also threw how much I was making in my face stating that I shall continue to support her son.
I stood my ground and let her have it, in a civil polite way.
After that episode she has been super attentive, bringing me food and tea when we visit, and actually connecting with DS via teaching him to play instruments. She even forwarded me a catalogue so I can choose horse riding attire for DS12 as a X-mas present
Never happened in 12 years lol. for now she is nicer than ever
As for ex MIL - she seems a lot like mine. She never was really authentic with me or DS, had hard time connecting with DS (he is on autism spectrum and she is a bubbly narcissistic type - she always complained that he is not "social" lol)
When I split from her son - she was my BFF, called ever day, to talk about DS, books, craft projects, her paintings, my work
Once she realized there is no getting me back (I asked her to stop telling me how handsome her son is and how well he is doing staying with her and his brother), and that I don't care to be his friend since he abandoned us for the booze and drugs, she turned on me. We had a pretty intense moment of her going into full narcissistic rage with me crying and her yelling at me.
She also threw how much I was making in my face stating that I shall continue to support her son.
I stood my ground and let her have it, in a civil polite way.
After that episode she has been super attentive, bringing me food and tea when we visit, and actually connecting with DS via teaching him to play instruments. She even forwarded me a catalogue so I can choose horse riding attire for DS12 as a X-mas present
Never happened in 12 years lol. for now she is nicer than ever
Member
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Wareham, Mass
Posts: 7,067
My first MIL, rest in peace, thrived on drama. Always causing trouble amongst the sibs. I hated her for a long time, then realized in a moment of enlightenment that she was a product of dysfunction. Forgave her, moved on. Thanks for your share. Good for you for standing up without resorting to cursing and vilification. Peace.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2016
Location: San Diego, CA
Posts: 179
Thanks everyone. It still feels sooo good this morning. I feel alive again. I realized that these people have been gaslighting me for a decade. Literally almost a decade. They have been trying to alter my reality and have made me feel guilty for long enough.
I tell you what, she backtracked when I just let it all out. I was so upset I was literally shaking, but I had just had enough.
If she wants to enable her grown man-child of 37, she can go right ahead. I told her in no uncertain terms that she will not talk crap about me and my family to my son. I have caught her doing that multiple times because my son tells me everything.
I do realize that she is sick. I have empathy for her guilt and shame and understand her motivations behind enabling her grown son. She abandoned him and now has so much guilt that she feels that these choices he has made are because of her. She feels like if she can just 'help him out' a little, then he will see the light. The guy, IMO, is never going to see the light because he is an addict sociopath and only uses people. He is an emotional and financial drain. This woman is highly educated, has a wonderful career, and I believe truly loves my son. However, I refuse to be a part of this wicked triangle any longer. And I will be setting boundaries for myself and my son. We both deserve a safe place to live in peace, without drinking, and without me being taken advantage of.
I tell you what, she backtracked when I just let it all out. I was so upset I was literally shaking, but I had just had enough.
If she wants to enable her grown man-child of 37, she can go right ahead. I told her in no uncertain terms that she will not talk crap about me and my family to my son. I have caught her doing that multiple times because my son tells me everything.
I do realize that she is sick. I have empathy for her guilt and shame and understand her motivations behind enabling her grown son. She abandoned him and now has so much guilt that she feels that these choices he has made are because of her. She feels like if she can just 'help him out' a little, then he will see the light. The guy, IMO, is never going to see the light because he is an addict sociopath and only uses people. He is an emotional and financial drain. This woman is highly educated, has a wonderful career, and I believe truly loves my son. However, I refuse to be a part of this wicked triangle any longer. And I will be setting boundaries for myself and my son. We both deserve a safe place to live in peace, without drinking, and without me being taken advantage of.
Member
Join Date: May 2016
Posts: 52
You just lived my current fantasy, laying into my MIL for her enabling my AH and trying to paint me as a horrible woman who will leave her overgrown 42 year old baby on the streets.
My suspicion that she is bank rolling his lawyer was confirmed the other day. On top of that, she's sending him questions to ask the lawyer, created a spreadsheet detailing things I've asked him to do in regards to the divorce and the icing on the cake was a timeline she wrote out of "facts" to give to her lawyer filled with lies. She is way more concerned about getting every penny out of me than the safety and care of her granddaughter.
Good for you! You are standing up for you and your son and that is all the matters. Hugs.
My suspicion that she is bank rolling his lawyer was confirmed the other day. On top of that, she's sending him questions to ask the lawyer, created a spreadsheet detailing things I've asked him to do in regards to the divorce and the icing on the cake was a timeline she wrote out of "facts" to give to her lawyer filled with lies. She is way more concerned about getting every penny out of me than the safety and care of her granddaughter.
Good for you! You are standing up for you and your son and that is all the matters. Hugs.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2016
Location: San Diego, CA
Posts: 179
FutureTrip - I so feel for you. It was always such a feeling of fear and dread hanging over my head the way she manipulated the entire situation. It felt more like I was in a relationship with her at many times than him. JUST WEIRD. She would take me out to dinner, or buy me gifts (cheap ones at that), take us on trips and would say it was from her for him for me. I stopped accepting alot of the dinners and trips and other little crap years ago, because I could feel the manipulation and fakeness of it all.
I personally doubted myself for so many years by the gaslighting. I could not understand the situation, the way I was treated was not anything I had ever experienced even in all the dysfunction I grew up in. They (as a team) made me doubt my own sanity, my own wants, my own needs. Just CRAZY making is what it was.
She also tried putting the thought into my head many times to marry the guy. I always was sane enough to LOL at that. Like, no way in H3LL am I marrying him. I knew enough to know that, thank Goodness. Otherwise, I feel they would try seeking alimony and child support from me for him and my child to live with him (even part time). I have spoken to custody court advisers who have told me to leave that alone until he starts it. We aren't/weren't married so he would have to first prove paternity, etc, and the whole thing could take months and months.
He is too cheap to spend ANY money on our kid, so I have a feeling he wouldn't try starting something that cost too much. And with his mom enabling him in so many other ways financially, her purse is tied up in that regard too. Besides, he has a 13 page rap sheet on addiction issues/DUIs/etc. Take me to court, I say, I dare you.
I have to say the relief I feel, I can almost feel like a cancer/sickness leaving me. I mentally feel good but feel physically sick to my stomach. It's like all this stress is just leaving my body after having built up for YEARS. Anyone ever feel like that?
I personally doubted myself for so many years by the gaslighting. I could not understand the situation, the way I was treated was not anything I had ever experienced even in all the dysfunction I grew up in. They (as a team) made me doubt my own sanity, my own wants, my own needs. Just CRAZY making is what it was.
She also tried putting the thought into my head many times to marry the guy. I always was sane enough to LOL at that. Like, no way in H3LL am I marrying him. I knew enough to know that, thank Goodness. Otherwise, I feel they would try seeking alimony and child support from me for him and my child to live with him (even part time). I have spoken to custody court advisers who have told me to leave that alone until he starts it. We aren't/weren't married so he would have to first prove paternity, etc, and the whole thing could take months and months.
He is too cheap to spend ANY money on our kid, so I have a feeling he wouldn't try starting something that cost too much. And with his mom enabling him in so many other ways financially, her purse is tied up in that regard too. Besides, he has a 13 page rap sheet on addiction issues/DUIs/etc. Take me to court, I say, I dare you.
I have to say the relief I feel, I can almost feel like a cancer/sickness leaving me. I mentally feel good but feel physically sick to my stomach. It's like all this stress is just leaving my body after having built up for YEARS. Anyone ever feel like that?
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