Codependent personality question
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 612
Codependent personality question
I am really working hard on self improvement and being more self aware. So I am curious how this scenario sounds to others:
I work part time in a small, close knit office. One of my coworkers has been trying to get her diabetes and weight under control (not much in my opinion, 30lbs ?) with her doctor.
Her doctor has suggested weightloss surgery. She is highly considering it.
And she has told me all about it, so this isn't gossip. I did not reply to her one way or the other, just was a listening ear.
I have spent last year and a half losing almost 80 lbs. I also reversed my (pre)diabetes symptoms and avoided an official diagnosis. Among other things.
Later in the evening that night I told AH about the background story.(dinner table talk) And mentioned I was thinking of sending this lady a quick email. Nothing soap box-ish just a quick: Hey! Forgot to mention, I might have some useful info for reducing your diabetes if you'd like it! See you Monday
But AH discouraged me, saying that it's really none of my business and that surgery is her choice. And to just drop it, she can see that I've lost weight so if she was curious she'd ask.
My advice wasn't weightloss related, but health and surgery related. And I was coming from a good place. Just wanted to share some resources is all. But, was I trying to "save" someone I didn't need to? Or what?
This sounds all so silly typed out, but I really am curious as my social skills have plummeted as well as my insecurity dealing with people.
Thanks for any advice guys
I work part time in a small, close knit office. One of my coworkers has been trying to get her diabetes and weight under control (not much in my opinion, 30lbs ?) with her doctor.
Her doctor has suggested weightloss surgery. She is highly considering it.
And she has told me all about it, so this isn't gossip. I did not reply to her one way or the other, just was a listening ear.
I have spent last year and a half losing almost 80 lbs. I also reversed my (pre)diabetes symptoms and avoided an official diagnosis. Among other things.
Later in the evening that night I told AH about the background story.(dinner table talk) And mentioned I was thinking of sending this lady a quick email. Nothing soap box-ish just a quick: Hey! Forgot to mention, I might have some useful info for reducing your diabetes if you'd like it! See you Monday
But AH discouraged me, saying that it's really none of my business and that surgery is her choice. And to just drop it, she can see that I've lost weight so if she was curious she'd ask.
My advice wasn't weightloss related, but health and surgery related. And I was coming from a good place. Just wanted to share some resources is all. But, was I trying to "save" someone I didn't need to? Or what?
This sounds all so silly typed out, but I really am curious as my social skills have plummeted as well as my insecurity dealing with people.
Thanks for any advice guys
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
Part of my recovery was to stop offering unsolicited advice and it can be challenging years later. Certainly if she asks your opinion or advice, but otherwise I would keep mum. Congrats on loosing the weight!
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
thousandwords....
Here are the hard, cold facts....(in my experience)....
Most people don't want advice.
People tend to use advice much more if they have to pay for it....and, even then...they don't always use it..
what people want the most is attention. Sounding boards...and agreement.
People will talk all day to you about their problems, etc..(and all night, if you will let them).....But, they seldom really want you advice about how to solve their problems.....
Shucks...you even see it here, on the forum. all the time.....
People actually come asking for advice...they literally say the word "advice"....
But, when given..the vast majority go away P*****.
what they really wanted was validation for their feelings and somebody to listen to them.....
dandylion
Here are the hard, cold facts....(in my experience)....
Most people don't want advice.
People tend to use advice much more if they have to pay for it....and, even then...they don't always use it..
what people want the most is attention. Sounding boards...and agreement.
People will talk all day to you about their problems, etc..(and all night, if you will let them).....But, they seldom really want you advice about how to solve their problems.....
Shucks...you even see it here, on the forum. all the time.....
People actually come asking for advice...they literally say the word "advice"....
But, when given..the vast majority go away P*****.
what they really wanted was validation for their feelings and somebody to listen to them.....
dandylion
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 612
Originally Posted by dandylion 
thousandwords....
Here are the hard, cold facts....(in my experience)....
Most people don't want advice.
People tend to use advice much more if they have to pay for it....and, even then...they don't always use it..
what people want the most is attention. Sounding boards...and agreement.
People will talk all day to you about their problems, etc..(and all night, if you will let them).....But, they seldom really want you advice about how to solve their problems.....
Shucks...you even see it here, on the forum. all the time.....
People actually come asking for advice...they literally say the word "advice"....
But, when given..the vast majority go away P*****.
what they really wanted was validation for their feelings and somebody to listen to them.....
dandylion
Here are the hard, cold facts....(in my experience)....
Most people don't want advice.
People tend to use advice much more if they have to pay for it....and, even then...they don't always use it..
what people want the most is attention. Sounding boards...and agreement.
People will talk all day to you about their problems, etc..(and all night, if you will let them).....But, they seldom really want you advice about how to solve their problems.....
Shucks...you even see it here, on the forum. all the time.....
People actually come asking for advice...they literally say the word "advice"....
But, when given..the vast majority go away P*****.
what they really wanted was validation for their feelings and somebody to listen to them.....
dandylion
I wanted to add that I never go out of my way like above to give advice, it just hit so close to home it was on my mind. It did feel weird to think of reaching out to her, so I should have recognized that feeling. That's probably why I asked.
I appreciate the advice and input on this forum...even when I may not act upon it...yet.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
thousandwords....I will add that I don't think it would have been such a "bad" thing if you offered her the matierials.......
It is just to be aware that she probably would not have taken it to heart and applied the material......
LOL.....did you want the "advice" that your husband offered?
(did you tell him that it is none of his business and that if you had wanted his input that you would have asked for it?)
thousandw ords..I hope that y ou can see that I am just pointing out the irony and humor of the situation....
He gave you advice to not give advice....LOL....lol.....
.....
It is just to be aware that she probably would not have taken it to heart and applied the material......
LOL.....did you want the "advice" that your husband offered?
(did you tell him that it is none of his business and that if you had wanted his input that you would have asked for it?)
thousandw ords..I hope that y ou can see that I am just pointing out the irony and humor of the situation....
He gave you advice to not give advice....LOL....lol.....
..... Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 612
Originally Posted by dandylion
thousandwords....I will add that I don't think it would have been such a "bad" thing if you offered her the matierials.......
It is just to be aware that she probably would not have taken it to heart and applied the material......
LOL.....did you want the "advice" that your husband offered?
(did you tell him that it is none of his business and that if you had wanted his input that you would have asked for it?)
thousandw ords..I hope that y ou can see that I am just pointing out the irony and humor of the situation....
He gave you advice to not give advice....LOL....lol..........
It is just to be aware that she probably would not have taken it to heart and applied the material......
LOL.....did you want the "advice" that your husband offered?
(did you tell him that it is none of his business and that if you had wanted his input that you would have asked for it?)
thousandw ords..I hope that y ou can see that I am just pointing out the irony and humor of the situation....
He gave you advice to not give advice....LOL....lol.....
.....A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I'd let her work it out with her doctor. Her doctor may be privy to a lot of information you don't know (e.g., prior weight loss attempts, the need for her to get her blood sugar down as soon as possible, etc.).
I certainly think in the course of conversation with her you could share what YOU did, and the results you got. That's a whole lot different from saying, "Hey, I've got some info YOU should consider trying." This way, you're not even suggesting anything to her, just sharing your own experience. If she expresses interest, you could suggest she discuss it with her doctor.
Diabetes is serious business, and can be pretty complicated to manage. I had gestational diabetes during my last pregnancy, and my last blood tests had me in the "pre-diabetes" range. My own blood sugar has gone down this year after losing 26 pounds (got another 10 or so to go to reach my goal weight).
I certainly think in the course of conversation with her you could share what YOU did, and the results you got. That's a whole lot different from saying, "Hey, I've got some info YOU should consider trying." This way, you're not even suggesting anything to her, just sharing your own experience. If she expresses interest, you could suggest she discuss it with her doctor.
Diabetes is serious business, and can be pretty complicated to manage. I had gestational diabetes during my last pregnancy, and my last blood tests had me in the "pre-diabetes" range. My own blood sugar has gone down this year after losing 26 pounds (got another 10 or so to go to reach my goal weight).
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 1,388
Perhaps it depends how close you are with this person? How well do you know her? Are you at the friendship level? There is a difference between exchanging experience and advising someone, or patronizing someone. Some people really do not want any piece of advice; they just want to be listened to. If for example my sister was having this issue and was considering surgery, and considering our intimacy level, I would probably be comfortable to send an email you wanted to write. If it was my downstairs neighbor, I would only listen.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2015
Posts: 144
Congrats on your weight loss.
If she wants info she'll come and ask.
If she wants info she'll come and ask.
Originally Posted by thousandwords53
I am really working hard on self improvement and being more self aware. So I am curious how this scenario sounds to others:
I work part time in a small, close knit office. One of my coworkers has been trying to get her diabetes and weight under control (not much in my opinion, 30lbs ?) with her doctor.
Her doctor has suggested weightloss surgery. She is highly considering it.
And she has told me all about it, so this isn't gossip. I did not reply to her one way or the other, just was a listening ear.
I have spent last year and a half losing almost 80 lbs. I also reversed my (pre)diabetes symptoms and avoided an official diagnosis. Among other things.
Later in the evening that night I told AH about the background story.(dinner table talk) And mentioned I was thinking of sending this lady a quick email. Nothing soap box-ish just a quick: Hey! Forgot to mention, I might have some useful info for reducing your diabetes if you'd like it! See you Monday
But AH discouraged me, saying that it's really none of my business and that surgery is her choice. And to just drop it, she can see that I've lost weight so if she was curious she'd ask.
My advice wasn't weightloss related, but health and surgery related. And I was coming from a good place. Just wanted to share some resources is all. But, was I trying to "save" someone I didn't need to? Or what?
This sounds all so silly typed out, but I really am curious as my social skills have plummeted as well as my insecurity dealing with people.
Thanks for any advice guys
I work part time in a small, close knit office. One of my coworkers has been trying to get her diabetes and weight under control (not much in my opinion, 30lbs ?) with her doctor.
Her doctor has suggested weightloss surgery. She is highly considering it.
And she has told me all about it, so this isn't gossip. I did not reply to her one way or the other, just was a listening ear.
I have spent last year and a half losing almost 80 lbs. I also reversed my (pre)diabetes symptoms and avoided an official diagnosis. Among other things.
Later in the evening that night I told AH about the background story.(dinner table talk) And mentioned I was thinking of sending this lady a quick email. Nothing soap box-ish just a quick: Hey! Forgot to mention, I might have some useful info for reducing your diabetes if you'd like it! See you Monday
But AH discouraged me, saying that it's really none of my business and that surgery is her choice. And to just drop it, she can see that I've lost weight so if she was curious she'd ask.
My advice wasn't weightloss related, but health and surgery related. And I was coming from a good place. Just wanted to share some resources is all. But, was I trying to "save" someone I didn't need to? Or what?
This sounds all so silly typed out, but I really am curious as my social skills have plummeted as well as my insecurity dealing with people.
Thanks for any advice guys
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