Should I or Shouldn't I?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 134
Should I or Shouldn't I?
Yep...it's me again. I'm trying not to be embarrassed that I'm still here after all this time.
Here's what's going on now. Last May, my AB flew to Texas and thought it would be a good idea to drink all day before the flight, at the airport, and get a bottle when he landed. He had a rental car and was drinking in a parking lot and got arrested for a DUI. In my opinion, he only got a slap on the wrist. He had to pay a fine, he has to have a blower on his car and he's on probation.
Fast forward to the week of June 10th, 2016. He was travelling again for his own company. When he travels for a week, 1/2 that time is spent drunk in a hotel and the other is spent actually working. Unfortunately, he owns a type of business where this is acceptable.
He decided to try to drive one morning and blew dirty. His probation officer revoked his probation. So, he's back in TX. He turned himself in, had to spend the night in jail and cannot return home until he finishes the rest of his probation terms, i.e., 3 day class and a few hours of community service and his court date. He has been drunk since last Thursday. His first class is tonight in the hotel that he's staying at.
Here is my question...he has court on the 10th. Should I let his attorney and/or his probation officer know that he's breaking the terms of the probation again in the hopes that they mandate him to rehab or no? Or will they even mandate that? I would think that they could clearly see that he has a problem. He has had a total of 4 DUI's since 2000. Two of them were plead down and 1 was dropped. But he was still charged with 4. Nothing in his punishment includes anything that might help him.
Or should I just butt out and focus on my job and my kids and my life?
Here's what's going on now. Last May, my AB flew to Texas and thought it would be a good idea to drink all day before the flight, at the airport, and get a bottle when he landed. He had a rental car and was drinking in a parking lot and got arrested for a DUI. In my opinion, he only got a slap on the wrist. He had to pay a fine, he has to have a blower on his car and he's on probation.
Fast forward to the week of June 10th, 2016. He was travelling again for his own company. When he travels for a week, 1/2 that time is spent drunk in a hotel and the other is spent actually working. Unfortunately, he owns a type of business where this is acceptable.
He decided to try to drive one morning and blew dirty. His probation officer revoked his probation. So, he's back in TX. He turned himself in, had to spend the night in jail and cannot return home until he finishes the rest of his probation terms, i.e., 3 day class and a few hours of community service and his court date. He has been drunk since last Thursday. His first class is tonight in the hotel that he's staying at.
Here is my question...he has court on the 10th. Should I let his attorney and/or his probation officer know that he's breaking the terms of the probation again in the hopes that they mandate him to rehab or no? Or will they even mandate that? I would think that they could clearly see that he has a problem. He has had a total of 4 DUI's since 2000. Two of them were plead down and 1 was dropped. But he was still charged with 4. Nothing in his punishment includes anything that might help him.
Or should I just butt out and focus on my job and my kids and my life?
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
Only when HE clearly sees that he has problem -- not his attorney, or his probation officer, trust me they already KNOW -- will he commit to anything that might help him.
My vote is for your peace and serenity to just focus on yourself and your kids. That's enough for one person.
My vote is for your peace and serenity to just focus on yourself and your kids. That's enough for one person.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 134
You're both right, but there's that part of me that wants him to feel the pain...you know? I know that makes me selfish...just like him. I just want to help him hit the bottom quicker. But, I doubt even that would help. He got drunk the night he got out of jail. Nothing will stop him.
I'm a horrible person for saying those things, but I'm tired of it all.
I'm a horrible person for saying those things, but I'm tired of it all.
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 3,699
You are not a horrible person at all. (((HUGS)))
Sure, call him in if you think he's going to kill someone else on the road, but other than that, his rock bottom is his.
I'm sure you are - it's all exhausting, defeating, MADDENING!
So where is your rock bottom with this nightmare? Can you do this rollercoaster forever? THEY do not have to be the ones to put an end to it all...
Sure, call him in if you think he's going to kill someone else on the road, but other than that, his rock bottom is his.
but I'm tired of it all.
So where is your rock bottom with this nightmare? Can you do this rollercoaster forever? THEY do not have to be the ones to put an end to it all...
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
They already know he violated probation--you said his probation was "revoked".
What, exactly, would you be informing them of? If he's already been sentenced on the VOP, he can't be resentenced.
What, exactly, would you be informing them of? If he's already been sentenced on the VOP, he can't be resentenced.
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Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: America
Posts: 4,136
You are not a horrible person! What you're having to deal with is sooo not fun! The best way to be healthy and stay healthy is let him deal with consequenses himself and focus on yourself and your job and do other things that you find enjoyable; and bring joy for you. So that no matter what anyone else is doing in your life, you will be healthy and happy.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
I imagine with the life he leads, he is already in intense pain, the likes of which you might consider yourself fortunate not to be able to understand. If he wasn't, he probably wouldn't drink to numb it the way he does.
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Join Date: Apr 2010
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Originally Posted by LexieCat 
They already know he violated probation--you said his probation was "revoked".
What, exactly, would you be informing them of? If he's already been sentenced on the VOP, he can't be resentenced.
What, exactly, would you be informing them of? If he's already been sentenced on the VOP, he can't be resentenced.
His revocation trial isn't until the 10th of August so we don't know what will happen then. They only know that he messed up that one time in June and he told them that my Mom was dying and it upset him. That excuse ticked me off. She did pass away and he was holed up in a hotel drunk off his butt while I held her hand.
They have no clue that he spends 2 weeks a month drunk and passed out on the couch. And they don't know him. They only know what he's done in TX. His attorney barely speaks to him and his probation officer only reads the blow reports once a month.
I am being as honest as I can right now. I want him to pay the price for his alcoholism and it's easier if someone else does it. But, this is me trying to control the situation, huh?
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Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
Originally Posted by Becki67
You're both right, but there's that part of me that wants him to feel the pain...you know?
and doesnt need your assistance at digging his own grave. we seem to do that quite well on our own.
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Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
I'm confused. Are you still with this guy, or not?
If yes, why do you want him to hurt (which it sounds like he is already)? If not, why are you still interested an concerning yourself with what he's up to?
Either way, it seems like you're falling into the trap of holding resentments. Justified or not, they never do us any good. Holding resentments against someone is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die. Have you considered doing some work on your own recovery. You can't control him, but you can make the decision to work on making yourself happy and serene. Alanon or CoDa could be worth looking into.
If yes, why do you want him to hurt (which it sounds like he is already)? If not, why are you still interested an concerning yourself with what he's up to?
Either way, it seems like you're falling into the trap of holding resentments. Justified or not, they never do us any good. Holding resentments against someone is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die. Have you considered doing some work on your own recovery. You can't control him, but you can make the decision to work on making yourself happy and serene. Alanon or CoDa could be worth looking into.
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 134
You're right. There is resentment. There's resentment because every time he gets in trouble, I'm left holding the pieces together and he gets off with a slap. When I need him most, he's not there. When I want to break down and cry over my Mom passing away, I have to be strong because it makes him want to drink. When I was going to the nursing home and watching her die every day, he was drinking in a hotel room escaping all the pain. When I had to put the cat down on a Tuesday and my heart dog down on Wednesday morning, he got to be drunk and passed out on the couch. So, yeah, there's resentment there. Yeah, he's in pain. But, so am I. Why am I the one that has to handle it like a responsible adult and he gets to escape it all? I have a therapist that I speak to. I'm doing what I have to do and I'm living my life the right way. Why does he get to use his alcoholism as an excuse not to?
I'm extremely stressed today and I'm sorry if I'm coming across as spiteful. It isn't fair that all of us do it the "right way" and they don't have to. We have to change.....but we aren't allowed to try to force them to or "we're being co-dependent and need to work on ourselves". It doesn't seem fair and after 12.5 years of it, I'm very frustrated.
I know the next response is "why don't you leave?". The loan to the 250K house is in my name alone, but the deed is in both of our names. He was supposed to get it in his name, too, but that never happened. I can't force him out and if I leave, he will destroy my credit.
I'm sorry...
I'm extremely stressed today and I'm sorry if I'm coming across as spiteful. It isn't fair that all of us do it the "right way" and they don't have to. We have to change.....but we aren't allowed to try to force them to or "we're being co-dependent and need to work on ourselves". It doesn't seem fair and after 12.5 years of it, I'm very frustrated.
I know the next response is "why don't you leave?". The loan to the 250K house is in my name alone, but the deed is in both of our names. He was supposed to get it in his name, too, but that never happened. I can't force him out and if I leave, he will destroy my credit.
I'm sorry...
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
Originally Posted by Becki67
You're both right, but there's that part of me that wants him to feel the pain...you know? I know that makes me selfish...just like him. I just want to help him hit the bottom quicker. But, I doubt even that would help. He got drunk the night he got out of jail. Nothing will stop him.
I'm a horrible person for saying those things, but I'm tired of it all.
I'm a horrible person for saying those things, but I'm tired of it all.
You gotta give him the dignity to screw it all to hell.
Better to focus your energy on yo and your kids.
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
I just want to help him hit the bottom quicker.
Something I learned about “bottoms”, what we think would be a bottom, often they just pick up a shovel and keep digging.
I'm doing what I have to do and I'm living my life the right way. Why does he get to use his alcoholism as an excuse not to?
He's an alcoholic and living as an alcoholic lives. You are expecting him to live life as if he were not one.
Something I learned about “bottoms”, what we think would be a bottom, often they just pick up a shovel and keep digging.
I'm doing what I have to do and I'm living my life the right way. Why does he get to use his alcoholism as an excuse not to?
He's an alcoholic and living as an alcoholic lives. You are expecting him to live life as if he were not one.
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
I get it Becki, it's beyond frustrating to be the only one who seems to see the Whole Truth; we all have too much experience with that situation. 
But honestly, your growing resentments aren't helping you manage any of this or helping to change your situation at all.
What if this is the BEST it ever gets as he continues progressively sliding into alcoholism's craziness?
But honestly, your growing resentments aren't helping you manage any of this or helping to change your situation at all.
What if this is the BEST it ever gets as he continues progressively sliding into alcoholism's craziness?
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
I know the next response is "why don't you leave?". The loan to the 250K house is in my name alone, but the deed is in both of our names. He was supposed to get it in his name, too, but that never happened. I can't force him out and if I leave, he will destroy my credit.
Maybe it’s time to see a lawyer and see what you can do to remove his name from the deed rather than be hostage to this loan/house which then makes you a hostage to him.
Maybe it’s time to see a lawyer and see what you can do to remove his name from the deed rather than be hostage to this loan/house which then makes you a hostage to him.
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Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
B,
I am an alanon gal, and one thing I learned is "when in doubt, don't". If I ever question doing something, I try to follow that.
I know you want to "punish" him for all the crap he has done to "you". But don't you think you would feel better knowing that you minded your own business and let everything fall the way it's suppose too. This is about your recovery, what you are learning here to do. I get it, as I would have loved to punish my axh. We need to mind our side of the street only.
I think you know that, and that is why you are asking. Ugh my friend. I do get it.....
I am an alanon gal, and one thing I learned is "when in doubt, don't". If I ever question doing something, I try to follow that.
I know you want to "punish" him for all the crap he has done to "you". But don't you think you would feel better knowing that you minded your own business and let everything fall the way it's suppose too. This is about your recovery, what you are learning here to do. I get it, as I would have loved to punish my axh. We need to mind our side of the street only.
I think you know that, and that is why you are asking. Ugh my friend. I do get it.....
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Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
You don't have to work on yourself. You can carry on holding the resentment if you choose to. And it's not that people aren't 'allowed' to force alcoholics to stop. It's that it just doesn't work to do so.
Do you have kids with him? If so, surely if you split he would still have to contribute to their home and maintenance. Have you sought legal advice? What if you downsized to something you could afford without him? I know, technically that would not be 'fair', but wouldn't it be better to be free of someone who it sounds like you're growing to despise and be able to start again, fresh, and live your life simply but happily.
Do you have kids with him? If so, surely if you split he would still have to contribute to their home and maintenance. Have you sought legal advice? What if you downsized to something you could afford without him? I know, technically that would not be 'fair', but wouldn't it be better to be free of someone who it sounds like you're growing to despise and be able to start again, fresh, and live your life simply but happily.
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