Wow, it's been 4 months already...
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Join Date: Apr 2016
Posts: 384
Wow, it's been 4 months already...
I know this is going to sound crazy but I am really happy that axbf left… I am not happy with what I have to deal with right now but overall, in the grand scheme of things, it was the best thing that could have happened to me.
I am becoming who I was always supposed to be, but couldn’t be because of the dynamics of our relationship; dynamics that I couldn’t see clearly until he did me a life-saving favor and left.
In the past, the excitement that I felt on the weekends wasn’t just because I was going out, it was because I was going out to get drunk. We would have a grand ol’ time, unless of course we got into a terrible argument. If I was lucky he wouldn’t pass out on the toilet or in the car. Then we would nurse our hangovers together on the couch the entire next day watching movies. I used to love those days because it gave us a “reason” to hang out together and not make plans with anyone else. We would order soda and Chinese food and feel like crap all day, but at least we were together!
Crumbs… I was accepting CRUMBS!
Now I am excited for this weekend because I am going to put myself out there and meet new people who have similar interests… during the day… that don’t revolve around drinking.
Don’t get me wrong, there are times where a margarita and Mexican food sounds PHENOMENAL (I have yet to have either, boo). I was not only hyper focusing on the ex, I was participating in the very activities that I would soon come to despise him for… I naturally started to drift away from that scene towards the end when I realized that I actually hated being hungover and laying on the couch all day.
I love to learn, I love to wake up early, I love to do things for other people, I loved taking walks in the woods with the dog, I love putting lilies around the house because they make me smile every time I see them, I love to journal and learn about myself, I love to dig deep, even in the hard to dig stuff and come out better than ever… and I felt so, so alone. None of those things gave me joy anymore because all I could think about was the deteriorating relationship and how he didn’t seem to want to spend quality time with me anymore. In reality, nothing on his end had changed, I just became aware that we never spent quality time together… we were always drinking!
I still wish I knew what he was running from but I don’t think I will ever know. It’s no longer a desperate “need” for him to tell me and has faded to a wonder and a sincere hope that he has his “aha” moment, and that his bottom isn’t too deep. Luckily, mine wasn’t, and I am very grateful for that.
I am becoming who I was always supposed to be, but couldn’t be because of the dynamics of our relationship; dynamics that I couldn’t see clearly until he did me a life-saving favor and left.
In the past, the excitement that I felt on the weekends wasn’t just because I was going out, it was because I was going out to get drunk. We would have a grand ol’ time, unless of course we got into a terrible argument. If I was lucky he wouldn’t pass out on the toilet or in the car. Then we would nurse our hangovers together on the couch the entire next day watching movies. I used to love those days because it gave us a “reason” to hang out together and not make plans with anyone else. We would order soda and Chinese food and feel like crap all day, but at least we were together!
Crumbs… I was accepting CRUMBS!
Now I am excited for this weekend because I am going to put myself out there and meet new people who have similar interests… during the day… that don’t revolve around drinking.
Don’t get me wrong, there are times where a margarita and Mexican food sounds PHENOMENAL (I have yet to have either, boo). I was not only hyper focusing on the ex, I was participating in the very activities that I would soon come to despise him for… I naturally started to drift away from that scene towards the end when I realized that I actually hated being hungover and laying on the couch all day.
I love to learn, I love to wake up early, I love to do things for other people, I loved taking walks in the woods with the dog, I love putting lilies around the house because they make me smile every time I see them, I love to journal and learn about myself, I love to dig deep, even in the hard to dig stuff and come out better than ever… and I felt so, so alone. None of those things gave me joy anymore because all I could think about was the deteriorating relationship and how he didn’t seem to want to spend quality time with me anymore. In reality, nothing on his end had changed, I just became aware that we never spent quality time together… we were always drinking!
I still wish I knew what he was running from but I don’t think I will ever know. It’s no longer a desperate “need” for him to tell me and has faded to a wonder and a sincere hope that he has his “aha” moment, and that his bottom isn’t too deep. Luckily, mine wasn’t, and I am very grateful for that.
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Expanding, you really are an inspiration! I am so, so happy for you that you're feeling better and so glad that you've gotten enough perspective to be able to see things as they really were.
I feel certain that a lot of really great things await you in the coming days, including lots of lilies!.
Here are some big beautiful Stargazers for you
and some lovely Stella d'Oros too
and last but not least, some big fat Turk's Caps!
I feel certain that a lot of really great things await you in the coming days, including lots of lilies!.
Here are some big beautiful Stargazers for you
and some lovely Stella d'Oros too
and last but not least, some big fat Turk's Caps!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2016
Posts: 384
You are too sweet honeypig thank you!
My hope is to inspire and show people that you can and will get through this. I had many down moments to get to this point and will still cry and have bad days. When I'm having a really good moment I want to get it out there as a reminder that as painful as it is, and it's very painful, it's so worth it.
Pain is transformative
My hope is to inspire and show people that you can and will get through this. I had many down moments to get to this point and will still cry and have bad days. When I'm having a really good moment I want to get it out there as a reminder that as painful as it is, and it's very painful, it's so worth it.
Pain is transformative
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Join Date: Apr 2016
Posts: 648
Originally Posted by Expanding 
I know this is going to sound crazy but I am really happy that axbf left… I am not happy with what I have to deal with right now but overall, in the grand scheme of things, it was the best thing that could have happened to me.
I am becoming who I was always supposed to be, but couldn’t be because of the dynamics of our relationship; dynamics that I couldn’t see clearly until he did me a life-saving favor and left.
In the past, the excitement that I felt on the weekends wasn’t just because I was going out, it was because I was going out to get drunk. We would have a grand ol’ time, unless of course we got into a terrible argument. If I was lucky he wouldn’t pass out on the toilet or in the car. Then we would nurse our hangovers together on the couch the entire next day watching movies. I used to love those days because it gave us a “reason” to hang out together and not make plans with anyone else. We would order soda and Chinese food and feel like crap all day, but at least we were together!
Crumbs… I was accepting CRUMBS!
Now I am excited for this weekend because I am going to put myself out there and meet new people who have similar interests… during the day… that don’t revolve around drinking.
Don’t get me wrong, there are times where a margarita and Mexican food sounds PHENOMENAL (I have yet to have either, boo). I was not only hyper focusing on the ex, I was participating in the very activities that I would soon come to despise him for… I naturally started to drift away from that scene towards the end when I realized that I actually hated being hungover and laying on the couch all day.
I love to learn, I love to wake up early, I love to do things for other people, I loved taking walks in the woods with the dog, I love putting lilies around the house because they make me smile every time I see them, I love to journal and learn about myself, I love to dig deep, even in the hard to dig stuff and come out better than ever… and I felt so, so alone. None of those things gave me joy anymore because all I could think about was the deteriorating relationship and how he didn’t seem to want to spend quality time with me anymore. In reality, nothing on his end had changed, I just became aware that we never spent quality time together… we were always drinking!
I still wish I knew what he was running from but I don’t think I will ever know. It’s no longer a desperate “need” for him to tell me and has faded to a wonder and a sincere hope that he has his “aha” moment, and that his bottom isn’t too deep. Luckily, mine wasn’t, and I am very grateful for that.
I am becoming who I was always supposed to be, but couldn’t be because of the dynamics of our relationship; dynamics that I couldn’t see clearly until he did me a life-saving favor and left.
In the past, the excitement that I felt on the weekends wasn’t just because I was going out, it was because I was going out to get drunk. We would have a grand ol’ time, unless of course we got into a terrible argument. If I was lucky he wouldn’t pass out on the toilet or in the car. Then we would nurse our hangovers together on the couch the entire next day watching movies. I used to love those days because it gave us a “reason” to hang out together and not make plans with anyone else. We would order soda and Chinese food and feel like crap all day, but at least we were together!
Crumbs… I was accepting CRUMBS!
Now I am excited for this weekend because I am going to put myself out there and meet new people who have similar interests… during the day… that don’t revolve around drinking.
Don’t get me wrong, there are times where a margarita and Mexican food sounds PHENOMENAL (I have yet to have either, boo). I was not only hyper focusing on the ex, I was participating in the very activities that I would soon come to despise him for… I naturally started to drift away from that scene towards the end when I realized that I actually hated being hungover and laying on the couch all day.
I love to learn, I love to wake up early, I love to do things for other people, I loved taking walks in the woods with the dog, I love putting lilies around the house because they make me smile every time I see them, I love to journal and learn about myself, I love to dig deep, even in the hard to dig stuff and come out better than ever… and I felt so, so alone. None of those things gave me joy anymore because all I could think about was the deteriorating relationship and how he didn’t seem to want to spend quality time with me anymore. In reality, nothing on his end had changed, I just became aware that we never spent quality time together… we were always drinking!
I still wish I knew what he was running from but I don’t think I will ever know. It’s no longer a desperate “need” for him to tell me and has faded to a wonder and a sincere hope that he has his “aha” moment, and that his bottom isn’t too deep. Luckily, mine wasn’t, and I am very grateful for that.
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Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 216
Expanding, I want to thank you so much for your post. The way you expressed things has stirred elements in me that I knew in the back of my mind, just was never able to express.
To hear you talk about those days where you would go out drinking together and then be THANKFUL for the next day because you know if they went too far, they would hopefully spend the next day with YOU and you would get some time, some of the person you love, because the pattern typically meant that the focus could switch to you for the day. Just chilling on your couch, just the two of you, eating takeout, catching up on the DVR or a movie, the life you want all the time...you get a glimpse of that! But you are right -- It is CRUMBS!
I know those days all too well and I remember thinking, this is what I want. But it is just a brief pit stop sadly until the addiction rises back up and you are right back to where it was.
I remember thinking, every time she drank so much she had to sleep half the next day away, every time she'd wake up and vomit repeatedly, every time she would tell me to pour out her beer, every time she would say she was never drinking again, Every time that happened, I hoped it was the LAST time. That was the pain of it all. Living that way just hoping for the change to happen, only to have the rug pulled out over, and over, and over. With every broken promise. With every promise of change, of that last beer, of the "I'm just drinking a couple". And then to have those promises broken. Time and time again. Then to lap up the crumbs when we got them!
Thank you so much for the post and for stirring up emotions and expressing the way that I and I'm sure many of us felt in these isolated relationships. As so many wiser than I here have said, the alcohol is the other person in the relationship, there were always 3 of you and you came last.
So glad to hear you are on the way up, enjoy doing all those wonderful things you love to do! Get back to life! I'm working on it too.
Thank you for sharing!
To hear you talk about those days where you would go out drinking together and then be THANKFUL for the next day because you know if they went too far, they would hopefully spend the next day with YOU and you would get some time, some of the person you love, because the pattern typically meant that the focus could switch to you for the day. Just chilling on your couch, just the two of you, eating takeout, catching up on the DVR or a movie, the life you want all the time...you get a glimpse of that! But you are right -- It is CRUMBS!
I know those days all too well and I remember thinking, this is what I want. But it is just a brief pit stop sadly until the addiction rises back up and you are right back to where it was.
I remember thinking, every time she drank so much she had to sleep half the next day away, every time she'd wake up and vomit repeatedly, every time she would tell me to pour out her beer, every time she would say she was never drinking again, Every time that happened, I hoped it was the LAST time. That was the pain of it all. Living that way just hoping for the change to happen, only to have the rug pulled out over, and over, and over. With every broken promise. With every promise of change, of that last beer, of the "I'm just drinking a couple". And then to have those promises broken. Time and time again. Then to lap up the crumbs when we got them!
Thank you so much for the post and for stirring up emotions and expressing the way that I and I'm sure many of us felt in these isolated relationships. As so many wiser than I here have said, the alcohol is the other person in the relationship, there were always 3 of you and you came last.
So glad to hear you are on the way up, enjoy doing all those wonderful things you love to do! Get back to life! I'm working on it too.
Thank you for sharing!
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