alwayscovering

What the ever loving F?

Husband is going to counseling, I insisted when his dad passed in May. Counselor told him "you're not an alcoholic but you do abuse alcohol. (Is there a difference?) <---serious question. But he thinks he should go to AA or see a substance abuse counselor. Husband told him he would go to AA and said that he had already spoken to me about it and told me he would go. WTF? Am I in a twilight zone? I couldn't hold my tongue, I told my husband straight up-you are a horrible mean person when you are drinking. Yes you've stopped several times over the years (at the most 2-3 months) but you always go back to it and your family suffers. I'm tired of walking on eggshells. I'm tired of being terrorized in my own home. I don't feel like he's going to take this seriously now.

I don't even know why I'm so angry.

I know I said I'd let him do whatever he was going to do but dang it I don't want anyone encouraging him to not take responsibility for the damage he's caused.

Lilro

Hi Always,

Sorry for what you are going through. May I ask? What are you doing tor YOU?

AnvilheadII

were you there IN the room when the counselor said this? OR are you getting this report from your AH.

often counselors will "ease in" to the conversation about addiction.....my own therapist (25+ years ago now) suggested that perhaps i had an "addictive personality" rather than coming right out and labeling me as an addict. that allowed me to sort of try on this addictive thing....without feeling pigeon holed OR resentful.

and yes there ARE different types of drinkers...even the Big Book of AA makes the distinctions....in Chapter 2, There Is a Solution, starting at page 20. http://www.aa.org/assets/en_US/en_bigbook_chapt2.pdf

dandylion

always recovering....I will share a couple of my thoughts with you.....

All counselors do not have special training in alcoholism. It doesn't mean that they are not good in other areas. An experienced counselor in the area of alcoholism is preferable for alcoholic related issues---and one that is a l ong recovered alcoholic themselves are even better!
If you weren't in the room--you don't know what he actually told this counselor and you don't know what the counselor said to him.

Your o wn boundaries, in the end are your own protection.....

More will be revealed.....

dandylion

alwayscovering

I'm going to al anon. I'm waiting for my book to get here. I'm trying to get through the big AA book.

alwayscovering

I guess that makes sense, no I wasn't in the room but I can usually tell when he's lying and he seemed thrilled that he wasn't an alcoholic and surprised by my reaction.

One of the things I like about this board is people are blunt. I like people to just say what they need to say even if it hurts my feelings I'll still mull it over and use it if I can.

dandylion

alwayscovering.....I'll tell you what I know for sure that DOES matter: If his drinking is posing a problem for YOU---then you have a problem with his drinking.....
You have described your family as suffering....you have described as walking on eggs....you have related as being terrorized in your own home.....
It doesn't really matter if it is called "alcoholism" or "wartism" or "dogdiggitydogism"......it is still the same problem for you....
Therefore, you still have the same responsibility to protect yourself and your family.....

If he wants to get all tied up on semantics or his perception of what the counselor meant ---let him....(you can't do anything about it anyway)...

****the coundelor did recommend AA and an alcoholism counselor....didn't he?
Lets see what he does with that.....

dandylion

alwayscovering

You're absolutely right, he did recommend AA or substance abuse counseling. I'll just have to wait and see what happens.

Expanding

If someone's drinking is causing a problem = drinking problem

I used to get hung up on the labels, binge drinker versus alcohol abuse versus alcoholism versus high risk drinker, yadda yadda... I second what Dandylion is saying. If a person's drinking was causing a problem in the relationship and they don't have the ability to accept that it's hurting the relationship and stop... that's pretty much all you need to know. Someone who doesn't have a problem with alcohol can put the drink down and not think twice... not just say that they can but actually do it. Just want to drive that last point home because I think we tend to cling to their words with hope and fail to look at the actions

Bekindalways

Keep taking that next right step for yourself!

redatlanta

I agree with Anvil, sometimes the nest approach is to ease people into "what they are". We can all be told things about ourselves and deny them, its only when WE acknowledge those things ourselves that there is possible acceptance.

Alcoholism is a disease of denial. I do not think your husband's therapist would get far by exclaiming he is an alcoholic up front. You also don't know how your husband has described his drinking patterns to the therapist, your husband truly may not see, or remember the monster he is when he is drinking (not that that is a necessity to be an alcoholic there are plenty of A's that are docile when drunk).

I think the therapist is pushing him to come to the conclusion himself.

As for your husband taking responsibility, If he works a program that may happen. It also may not. Don't pin hopes on apologies or acknowledgement it often times never shows up.

alwayscovering

Thank you!

I've had plenty of experience accepting apologies I never got. My brother is a toxic mess-although I have seen positive changes in him the last year.

I'm sure he didn't tell the therapist the nightmare we deal with when he's drinking. He doesn't remember. The next day he wakes up confused as to why we are all avoiding him.

Y'all are right it doesn't matter what anyone labels it, his drinking is an issue for me. I told him that when he asked me why I was so mad about what his therapist said.

I'm trying to learn to let go, let him do what he wants to do and do what's best for me and the kidlets. It's really hard. Way harder than I thought it would be.

alwayscovering

Thank you!

I've had plenty of experience accepting apologies I never got. My brother is a toxic mess-although I have seen positive changes in him the last year.

I'm sure he didn't tell the therapist the nightmare we deal with when he's drinking. He doesn't remember. The next day he wakes up confused as to why we are all avoiding him.

Y'all are right it doesn't matter what anyone labels it, his drinking is an issue for me. I told him that when he asked me why I was so mad about what his therapist said.

I'm trying to learn to let go, let him do what he wants to do and do what's best for me and the kidlets. It's really hard. Way harder than I thought it would be.

hopeful4

This is why I tell people, if there is addiction in your family at all, you better get a counselor who specializes in helping families who have addiction. If not, a complete waste, and can make it worse. You can bet very few addicts give a true scope of their alcoholic behavior. Unless the counselor has been trained to see through that (and surprisingly not many have), it's just a waste of time and a lot of money.

That is just my .02

alwayscovering

The counselor specializes in grief counseling, husband is supposed to be going because his dad passed in May. This was only his second or third visit.

He mentioned going to AA this week.

Katchie

amen!

cairn

A grief counselor, how perfect. Lol always you appear a very sharp and decent person! Don't let him spoil your fun!

We are *rarely* if ever honest with any counselor. Head games. Attention and sympathy. Guarded at best. I think we often just turn them into bartenders. Money better off going to you and the kids where it belongs...? Your call.

.02 cents

hopeful4

A grief counselor is not educated to tell him if he is an alcoholic, but you can bet since they did, he will latch on to that forever! Goodness.

alwayscovering

I think that's why I was so aggravated when he said the counselor told him he didn't think he was an alcoholic but abused it. 1. I'm probably ignorant in these things but I didn't know they was a difference and 2. I think he should have said "Hey you might have a problem perhaps you should go see a substance abuse/addiction counselor for an evaluation" That's why your primary care physician refers you to a specialist. DUH

I realize that when building a relationship with a counselor you may not tell them everything or being completely honest(at first), It took me 8 months before I told my therapist that my husband's drinking was out of control

He may not have been completely honest (I don't think he's even aware of how bad his drinking is) he had to have said something that alerted the counselor that his drinking could be a problem.

dandylion

a;wayscovering......remember that we don't know what he did or didn't tell the counselor...and we don't know exactly what the counselor said......
But, even so...the counselor DID suggest AA and an alcoholism counselor!

IF your husband does follow up on these two suggestions--then, I feel confident that these two entities will be quite able to fill him in on the nature of alcoholism......He will not be the first alcoholic in denial that they have laid eyes on...lol....
Above everything....the help is there for him....it all depends on how willing and able he is to reach out his hand and accept it......

dandylion