honeypig

So it was an interesting weekend--I posted in the gratitude thread about how I was grateful that I had learned enough in recovery to not get crazed b/c of a major auto repair expense, which was a situation that would have sent me thru the roof in times past. And it was cool, all was well. Then the place called with ANOTHER expensive thing they said needed to be done and I had a meltdown. I decided I'd spent far, far too much on this car in the year I've owned it and was going to get something else.

Long story short, I searched out some cars to look at this weekend. I asked for XAH's help, since he is a gearhead, and he agreed. I found one I liked, checked Carfax, did the various footwork, sat thru the car salesman games and eventually got the deal I wanted on the car I wanted and traded the existing car, thank heavens.

But you know what? I have the most persistent little voice in my head that keeps telling me I need to panic, I shouldn't have bought the car, I'm not going to be able to afford it (which is completely untrue; I had all my financial ducks in a row before I set foot in the dealership), some other dire thing is going to happen, and in short it is a fatal mistake.

Why? I have everything reasoned out as well as humanly possible w/o the use of a crystal ball. Why this voice of doom in my head that will not quit??

Flash of insight as I looked out at the car sitting in my driveway this AM: The first thought that crossed my mind, so quick I almost didn't catch it was that's a nice ride. Who do you think you are, to buy something like that? That's way too nice for the likes of YOU... And then it morphed back into the you-can't-afford-it-it-was-a-mistake-there-is-some-terrible-problem-awaiting blah blah blah from yesterday.

So I guess that's what it's all about. I have a long history, as I'm sure many here do, of making do, doing without, claiming we don't need much. And truly, I think it's important to be able to make do, do without, get by on a bare minimum. But I have so little experience in buying/doing something nice for myself when I do have the means! I needed a car--why not something decent? And since I no longer have XAH, who was really a wizard w/mechanical things, to call on when something is wrong, I need a reliable vehicle.

I've been working on learning to honor myself and my surroundings. I think maybe that the reading/writing/thinking about that is what let me see this and understand where that little voice was coming from. Another step in the right direction, I think.

And if anyone is curious, it's not a Maserati or anything. It's a 2015 Kia Soul w/18K miles on it, in very nice shape, still under warranty, so hardly an extravagance... The only other car I ever owned w/so few miles on it was my dear and trusty Saturn wagon, only brand new car ever for me, when it passed 18K miles on its way to its eventual demise at the age of 17 years. RIP, dear Saturn. I hope the Soul can fill your shoes.

Bekindalways

Love this Honey!! May you drive many happy miles in this vehicle!

honeypig

I'm bumping this back up for a part 2 addition:

So I've had that black 2015 Soul for just over a year now. I put very few miles on it over that year, only about 7K, b/c I am able to use my work van to commute to and from my job. I like the vehicle just fine, no problems or DISlikes, but it's an automatic trans, and I'm a long-time manual trans driver. When car shopping a year ago, I originally looked at a manual trans but ended up buying an automatic just b/c the automatics were newer and nicer and seemed more solid than the older used manual. Didn't think it would make a lot of difference to me; after all, my work vehicle is an automatic trans, and I did need a vehicle soon, not a ton of time to shop around.

So as the year has passed, I've thought so often "I LIKE this car, but I just don't LOVE it. What is the problem? Do I just need more time w/it?" Then my sis and her daughter were car shopping and she mentioned that Sam, my niece, was looking at Souls too, debating auto trans vs manual trans. Sam doesn't know how to drive a stick but the cars were cheaper and they were considering on the basis of cost.

That got me thinking, and I started researching. I called around, drove some new manual trans vehicles, checked trade-in value on the 2015 and looked at incentives available. I talked to my sister about it and she said "you don't have to justify it to anyone but yourself, you know--if you find a good enough deal and it's what you want, just go with it." Words of wisdom, right? And once again, something that someone else had to say to me, b/c I STILL have trouble saying to myself "yes, this is what I really want, and I'm going to get it b/c it's within my reach w/o causing other problems."

So I just got back from picking up my 2017 Alien Green Kia Soul w/a manual trans. I love the color and I LOVE THE MANUAL TRANS!! It was so nice to drive home and feel fully engaged w/driving, not like just a passenger, which is how I feel in an automatic.

The deal was good enough, and the payments are affordable w/a low interest rate (which I expect to pay off early anyway). There was no reason for me to NOT do this other than that lingering "unworthy" thing.

I hope this resonates w/at least a few of you who may be settling for so much less than what you really WANT, and realistically COULD HAVE. We get so used to saying "it's OK, I don't need anything more/better/fancier/nicer/etc.", but sometimes doing something nice for yourself even if you don't "need" to is a really important part of recovery.

I AM worth it, damn it!

LexieCat

OMG, I LOVE THAT COLOR!!!

YES, you freakin' deserve it. Now you just need a cool pair of Fluevogs to go with it, lol. (Talk about something one doesn't NEED, but boy is it fun to treat oneself).

Not to mention, you need good wheels for that road trip we've been talking about, right?

Enjoy inhaling that new-car smell! Great aromatherapy.

dandylion

honeypig...first of all....I looove that green color....it is delicious!
I admire that you can drive a m annual shift vehicle....I was always afraid of that...

I suspect that the little "voice" that you speak of must be the internalized self talk...of messages that you received as you were growing up....
It takes practice and conscious awareness to replace those messages with different ones.....
And, it looks, to me, like you are learning to do just that!

I, also have those kinds of messages from my childhood...especially, from my grandmother and her peers who lived through the Great Depression.....I have a hard time throwing out glass jars and bottles...especially if they are cute...lol....
I cannot throw out any kind of food unless it is covered over with green mold and is unidentifiable....
Another thing has been about clothing. I had a terrible time buying anything that was white...because, growing up...my mother said that it would "show dirt".
I remember that when I, as an adult, could afford it...I bought a rather pricey while wool pant suit....I felt some guilt when I thought of what my mother would say....then...I started wearing my signature look...white jeans with black turtleneck in the wintertime!
I had to get over guilt of buying any article of clothing that would not go with every...single...other item in my closet....As a result...I always...always, bought only black shoes and black purses.....black belt...black hat...black coat...
Over the years, I have changed my habits on that...but, I had to fight the guilt and the negative self talk.

honeypig

Oh, GREAT, Lexie, now I'm going to see what kind of complementary or contrasting Fluevogs I can find to go w/my CAR!

And you know, I almost went and checked on a black Soul w/manual trans b/c it was marginally cheaper, but then I went "WAIT--if this is all about me changing cars to get what I WANT, then why would I settle for black again when I would much rather have a COLOR?" Incredible how deep-seated it is for me to settle for less...

On a different note, as I was driving towards the dealership to look at the car, I thought "man, it seems like this Kia dealership might be close to where the Saturn dealership was where XAH and I bought that Saturn wagon that I loved so long and well..." Well, not only was it NEAR there, it WAS there! (You non-Saturn folk may not realize, or care, for that matter, that Saturn stopped making cars quite a few years ago.)

So when I went in, I asked the receptionist if in fact this same building had been a Saturn dealership nearly 20 years ago. She was young and gave me a "huh?" look--doubt if she even knew what a Saturn was. An older employee overheard and said "yes, as a matter of fact, it was a Saturn dealership, and this person, that person, and those folks over there all worked here when it was Saturn, too."

I said "wow, my ex and I bought a station wagon here in 1998, brand new, only brand new car I'd ever owned in my life at that point. I kept it 17 years and would be driving it still but the salt used during Wisconsin winters just rotted the underneath until there was simply nothing left holding it together any more and nothing to bolt things to." She laughed and said "yeah, Saturn owners tend to really like their cars..."

At the time, XAH was working for Pitney Bowes as a service tech and needed a car for his work vehicle. (Pitney reimbursed for mileage and costs.) We bought the car b/c Saturn had a no-haggle policy and we were not hagglers. Since it was to be XAH's car, all the decisions that drove the choice of car style, color, trans, wheels, etc., were his. After he drove it for a few weeks, he decided he wasn't comfortable in it and it became mine, which was fine, as I loved it.

So how strange is it that now, 20 years later, I'm back in the same physical location, minus XAH, purchasing a DIFFERENT brand new green stick-shift car, based totally on my OWN research and preferences? And maybe it's just a weird coincidence, but I'm also hoping that it might mean that I'm going to have another dearly beloved green car that lasts me a long, long time...

honeypig

dandy, I know exactly what you mean--the words "waste not, want not" are indelibly stamped on my brain from both sets of grandparents. I do think that it's b/c they lived through the Depression--I recently read a book about that time, and it was far more horrible than I had ever thought. I understand where that could brand a person forever w/a real need to always collect, stash and hoard just in case the bad times came again.

There is no doubt in my mind that it's good advice, but it does need to be tempered w/some loosening of the iron grip at times. I've read so much about "having a sense of abundance" and all the good things it can do for you, but I've never really related to what they were talking about. I think that maybe it's the opposite of my way of thinking, of feeling chronic anxiety about running out, being short, not having enough, even when common sense tells me I DO have enough. That permanent "high alert" feeling works really effectively to keep me from enjoying what I DO have, let alone letting me ask for MORE....

It's freaking Dickensian!

Maudcat

I was in a minor car accident about 18 months ago.
Not my fault. A lady in a Range Rover wanted to be in the inside lane, not realizing I was already there.
She jumped put of her car, all apologetic.
Oh my goodness, I didn't even see you.
Stuff like that.
So, no damage to me, and damage to the Acura was fixed in short order.
Fast forward a couple of months.
Our Honda Accord is about ready to give it up and we need another car.
We have always liked Hondas, Subarus, and Acuras, so I thought that was what we would get.
What am I driving? A GMC Denali Terrain.
I decided that I liked being up high to drive, and I was going to make sure that, this time, someone in a Range Rover sees me before snugging into my lane.
Sort of a Maudcat version of a monster truck.

honeypig

Is this you, Maud?

Maudcat

I'm the child of depression era parents.
Both parents grew up with no money. They worked hard, saved their money, paid cash for everything, and could squeeze a nickel so hard it squeaked.
I learned some good habits from them, but I also learned that you can twist yourself into knots stewing about whether or not you should spend money on something.
Life is short. Eat dessert first.

Maudcat

Well, I'm kinda smoke gray with black leather interior, but, basically, yeah.
Channeling my inner big tire driver.

WhiteFeathers

Honeypig, that is so awesome! I'm driving a 10 year old car that technically drives fine, but the leather seats have turned to compost after several road trips with kids and dogs and the AC doesn't work anymore (and I live in CA). Getting a new car is out of the question at the moment, so I will live vicariously through you!

I was having a similar conversation with myself about allowing myself nice things. I teach 7th grade and at that age kids are always sizing everyone up, especially the adults in their lives. I've always thought I dress "fine" and I'm not so shallow as to put so much importance on my appearance. I don't get my hair done, I don't get my nails done, etc.

Last year, several students made comments about my drab appearance, not in a mean way, just in a kid way. Like they wanted me to take better care of myself. Kind of like they would respect me more if I respected me more. It was eye-opening.

But, being in an unhealthy, alcoholic relationship has a way of sucking the life out of you. Since separating from AH, I've gotten into fashion and spent actual time shopping for cute professional work clothes, including accessories. Currently, I'm sporting a corral mani-pedi and red, orange and gold bangles. I've been hanging out in Sephora experimenting with fun make-up like bright red lip-stain and black liquid eyeliner.

What to do with may hair is still a giant mystery to me, ha ha. But I hear there is a place called "the salon" I might check out soon.

honeypig

WF, I can relate! I've always had blue-collar jobs except for a stint as a medical transcriptionist, a job where I worked from home, so have never had to dress to any "business level." I haven't worn ANY makeup in many, many years, and even when I was younger, the most I'd do would be some mascara. Never any lipstick, eye shadow, none of that. Hair styles were always wash and go, didn't care to spend time styling, blow drying, etc. Clothes are basic and practical, whether for work or at home.

And that's all fine; a lot of it is really just who I am. But I totally get what you're saying about how "basic, practical, goes w/everything else" can easily turn into "dull, drab, boring." I do virtually all my clothes shopping at Goodwill, and sometimes I turn up something really AMAZING, great fabric, knockout color or pattern, WOW, and only $6.99!

And then I decide not to buy it b/c "where will I ever WEAR that?"

The next time I have one of those moments, I'm going to BUY the thing, whatever it is, and I will wear it at home for my own enjoyment, even if I never have an "occasion" that I wear it for! I'm beginning to realize it's worth something for me to love the item, just me myself.

Thanks so much to each of you who has shared their own story of learning that there is nothing wrong or selfish about treating yourself as if you mattered. It helps me take another step along the path.

FireSprite

Congrats honeypig!!! What a beautiful new purchase & what amazing personal growth!

I have struggled with the same issues you all talk about when it comes to spending money in any "frivolous" way & the "good enough" feelings it invokes.

I'm over it now though.

I've learned to stop resisting anything that doesn't fall under "irresponsible" or "outright wrong" & at least examine the idea more closely rather than outright reject anything that goes against my old programming.

FireSprite

However - I'm still a bargain shopper & all about value.

There is nothing more satisfying that getting complimented all night on my new shirt & knowing that I paid all of $2.99 for it at the thrift store.

NYCDoglvr

I call this "the voices......", an endless tape that ran in my head. Picture a very old computer that repeats junk I told myself in the past. I change the channel by calling someone, going to a meeting, doing whatever it takes to stop
the erroneous message. Sometimes I would say out loud "thank you for sharing, mom, now get the f*** out of here." After a while "the voices ......" stopped, significantly lessened.

mylifeismine

Cool ride Honeypig, love it! It's a wonderful thing to love
ourselves kindly- we can grow and change and no longer
feel guilty about putting ourselves and our desires first!

SoloMio

You made a great financial decision to buy a "gently used" car almost new. A lot of financial experts would tell. you to do exactly that--if you buy a new car, it depreciates the moment you drive it off the lot, so the fact that you bought it at only 18k miles is great. Definitely does not qualify as an "extravagance." Why in God's name would you not deserve something like this?

Even as unworthy as I've felt my whole life, I did buy myself a "made-it!" car in 2007--a 2007 Prius. I'm still driving it, and I LOVE this car. I hope to drive it for another 10 years.

Love your car. It's just a car, but you deserve it, and more, honeypig!

LexieCat

Um, Solo,

This time she bought NEW. You didn't read the rest of the posts.

And depreciation--pffttt. Sometimes the depreciation is WORTH it.

firebolt

I love it, congrats! You deserve it! And, I sooo love that you got a car called 'SOUL!' It's PERFECT!

And...I think these would shift that clutch lice a race car driver!