New here. Need validation and help please.
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Join Date: May 2018
Posts: 1
New here. Need validation and help please.
Hello. I recently broke up with a man that I had semi known for around 20 years. I say semi as I would see him playing music upon occasion over the years. There was always an attraction.
I lost my husband 3 years ago due to sudden heart attack. I was just getting to where I wanted to stick my toe in the dating scene and ran into 'him' again. We went for it and fast. 5 marriage proposals, plans on where and when, what last name did I want, introduction to family. Introduction as fiance', girlfriend and sometimes wife. Total whirlwind confusion. I noticed texts to other women ("Oh, they are just fans, they don't mean anything") then refusal to block them or show me his phone again. (He volunteered the first time after a sexy text popped up on his phone). Then the arguments, make ups, lies, deceit, refusal to accept any responsibility and then distance-this all on his part. It was crazy making. I felt that I was going insane. He's on his 3rd DUI, has to blow to start his car, gets off of probation in July, blames the cop that arrested him, angry with the system-saying he doesn't belong with all of those 'criminals' and says he looks forward to drinking a bottle of wine with me. I never knew him as an alcoholic; really never truly knew him I suppose. After ultimatums, he distanced himself even more; I knew he was carrying on with at least one woman over social media. He said, "I'm not ready for a relationship" after trying to push me to end it with him. I wanted him to do it since I had not seen any remorse or apologies. Afterward, I have had two people tell me he is an alcoholic. I've never knew what a dry drunk was. I think that may be what I am seeing. All I know is that I'm heartbroken and feel like an idiot. I loved truly (and probably codependantly). Can you imagine? Here's my girlfriend/fiance'/wife/girlfriend/fiance....totally maddening. He would get really defensive and angry when confronted with my gut feeling that he was carrying on with others to the point of throwing temper tantrums that looked like a 5 year old stage. Does this match alcoholic behavior? Help!
I lost my husband 3 years ago due to sudden heart attack. I was just getting to where I wanted to stick my toe in the dating scene and ran into 'him' again. We went for it and fast. 5 marriage proposals, plans on where and when, what last name did I want, introduction to family. Introduction as fiance', girlfriend and sometimes wife. Total whirlwind confusion. I noticed texts to other women ("Oh, they are just fans, they don't mean anything") then refusal to block them or show me his phone again. (He volunteered the first time after a sexy text popped up on his phone). Then the arguments, make ups, lies, deceit, refusal to accept any responsibility and then distance-this all on his part. It was crazy making. I felt that I was going insane. He's on his 3rd DUI, has to blow to start his car, gets off of probation in July, blames the cop that arrested him, angry with the system-saying he doesn't belong with all of those 'criminals' and says he looks forward to drinking a bottle of wine with me. I never knew him as an alcoholic; really never truly knew him I suppose. After ultimatums, he distanced himself even more; I knew he was carrying on with at least one woman over social media. He said, "I'm not ready for a relationship" after trying to push me to end it with him. I wanted him to do it since I had not seen any remorse or apologies. Afterward, I have had two people tell me he is an alcoholic. I've never knew what a dry drunk was. I think that may be what I am seeing. All I know is that I'm heartbroken and feel like an idiot. I loved truly (and probably codependantly). Can you imagine? Here's my girlfriend/fiance'/wife/girlfriend/fiance....totally maddening. He would get really defensive and angry when confronted with my gut feeling that he was carrying on with others to the point of throwing temper tantrums that looked like a 5 year old stage. Does this match alcoholic behavior? Help!
Life is good
Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 4,036
Welcome to SR. I'm glad you're here.
https://al-anon.org/
Alanon and this site are wonderful sources of information and support.
Sounds like it could be alcoholic behavior. Whether it is or not, if his drinking is causing problems for you, there is much support for this. Even after leaving a relationship, support is often needed to work through the effects of dealing with this.
https://al-anon.org/
Alanon and this site are wonderful sources of information and support.
Sounds like it could be alcoholic behavior. Whether it is or not, if his drinking is causing problems for you, there is much support for this. Even after leaving a relationship, support is often needed to work through the effects of dealing with this.
Life is good
Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 4,036
To put some things in perspective, alcoholism is a disease that does not discriminate. People of all walks of life suffer from this disease. It is chronic and progressive, and the alcohol is both a cause and a symptom of the disease. Alcoholism recovery is much, much more than than sobriety. Sobriety is required as a part of recovery program
Alcoholism also effects friends, family and co-workers in many severe ways, often without us realizing this.
Alcoholism also effects friends, family and co-workers in many severe ways, often without us realizing this.
Whether he's an alcoholic or not, Dragonfly, is that the kind of guy you'd want to be involved with, let alone married to?
So many of us make the mistake of dating or marrying someone's potential, the wonderful guy/gal we are certain he/she could be, the wonderful guy/gal that we are certain our amazing love will turn him/her into. All he/she really needs is a chance, b/c after all, look at the string of losers he/she has been involved with up till now. WE are different, WE will be the one to turn the key and unlock this person's TRUE self in all its beauty. What WE have is SPECIAL...
Any of that sound or feel familiar?
So while I understand your desire to be able to put a label on the behavior and find a reason for the actions, in the end, it doesn't really matter. Understanding WHY won't change the fact of it happening. If it's unacceptable to you (and I agree 100% that it IS unacceptable), that is all that's necessary. You have the right and the freedom to move on w/your own life, and I hope that's what you do.
So many of us make the mistake of dating or marrying someone's potential, the wonderful guy/gal we are certain he/she could be, the wonderful guy/gal that we are certain our amazing love will turn him/her into. All he/she really needs is a chance, b/c after all, look at the string of losers he/she has been involved with up till now. WE are different, WE will be the one to turn the key and unlock this person's TRUE self in all its beauty. What WE have is SPECIAL...
Any of that sound or feel familiar?
So while I understand your desire to be able to put a label on the behavior and find a reason for the actions, in the end, it doesn't really matter. Understanding WHY won't change the fact of it happening. If it's unacceptable to you (and I agree 100% that it IS unacceptable), that is all that's necessary. You have the right and the freedom to move on w/your own life, and I hope that's what you do.
Just wanted to post this link in case it's helpful, Dragonfly: You Think That You Are So Special... Heartless Bitches International
It is a LOOONG read, but I think almost all of us here in F&F can relate to at least some degree.
It is a LOOONG read, but I think almost all of us here in F&F can relate to at least some degree.
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