Argh...that final push?
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 267
Argh...that final push?
I think I typed a little about our history a week or two ago. I'm reading threads, I'm reading books, I'm seeing a therapist...I'm trying to detach but doing a really poor job of it. I'm also not quite ready to call it quits, I guess. My current problem (maybe) is that he says he wants out...but he's not moving. But then again, why would he?
What I'm losing by his leaving is his son (8) who lives with us and has since he was an infant. It's split custody but my husband is primary. My other rotten excuse is that he has nowhere to go (no friends at all and no family close) and would have to drop out of the classes he's taking and doing well in. He quit his job about 2 months ago and hasn't really tried to find another one yet. The house is mine.
I don't even know what I'm asking exactly. Do I give a deadline? Did anyone do this utilizing a couples therapist? I've broached the subject before when he makes the threats ("I just don't think I love you anymore" "I don't think we can be together anymore") but when I do, he clams up and refuses to talk. This makes me think all the talk about leaving is BS. If I don't just say "leave" I'm assuming my learning detachment would also bring things to a head but I feel like I'm doing a really bad job of detaching...particularly b/c I don't know what to do about my (his) boy. If he's with us I don't feel right saying "see ya" and going to do things with my friends while his father is drunk in the garage.
And on a similar note...what the heck do you tell kids when they see you crying? I'm not good at hiding it and my therapist says I actually shouldn't bc he's not stupid and knows that things are wrong. Hiding it is just going to teach him the same defective way to handle things that I use.
I'm going to quit typing now because I'm pretty sure I'm starting to ramble.
What I'm losing by his leaving is his son (8) who lives with us and has since he was an infant. It's split custody but my husband is primary. My other rotten excuse is that he has nowhere to go (no friends at all and no family close) and would have to drop out of the classes he's taking and doing well in. He quit his job about 2 months ago and hasn't really tried to find another one yet. The house is mine.
I don't even know what I'm asking exactly. Do I give a deadline? Did anyone do this utilizing a couples therapist? I've broached the subject before when he makes the threats ("I just don't think I love you anymore" "I don't think we can be together anymore") but when I do, he clams up and refuses to talk. This makes me think all the talk about leaving is BS. If I don't just say "leave" I'm assuming my learning detachment would also bring things to a head but I feel like I'm doing a really bad job of detaching...particularly b/c I don't know what to do about my (his) boy. If he's with us I don't feel right saying "see ya" and going to do things with my friends while his father is drunk in the garage.
And on a similar note...what the heck do you tell kids when they see you crying? I'm not good at hiding it and my therapist says I actually shouldn't bc he's not stupid and knows that things are wrong. Hiding it is just going to teach him the same defective way to handle things that I use.
I'm going to quit typing now because I'm pretty sure I'm starting to ramble.
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
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Argh Thlayli, when kids are involved it is super tough. And your boy is not genetically yours?! Ramble away! This sounds plenty complicated.
Detachment eventually requires distance even if it is just the next room. I wouldn't want to be leaving an 8 year old with a drunk father either.
Hmmm . . . I seem to be rambling too. Hopefully someone more coherent will step in. Hugs to you!!
Detachment eventually requires distance even if it is just the next room. I wouldn't want to be leaving an 8 year old with a drunk father either.
Hmmm . . . I seem to be rambling too. Hopefully someone more coherent will step in. Hugs to you!!
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Join Date: May 2016
Location: Ogden
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I would concentrate on yourself and working your program. You can't make good decisions when you are not well. I know it is easier said than done. Things do have a tendency to work themselves out far better than we can imagine when we give it over to our HP and the program of Al-Anon.
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Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
T,
Why would he want to leave.? He lives in your comfortable home, goes to school, doesn't work, you take care of his child. Sounds like he has the golden ticket. He doesn't want out, he wants you to stop ragging at him. Why would anyone want out if they have all that.
Hon, he is never going to go. If you are ready, and you have to be ready, give him a date. If not tell him you will pack up his stuff and put it in the garage, change the keys to the house. He is not motivated to pack up and do it all, you will have too. Alcoholics are not very motivated people, they just want everything to stay the same, you take care of them and they don't do anything.
About his child in the house, it is not healthy to see you fighting. He will have to step up and be a Dad. Get a job, a home and take care of his kid. There are a lot of things he needs to do and that are no longer your responsibility. Doing things for others that they full well can do for themselves is enabling. It will never top till you stop it.
Sending hugs my friend!!
Why would he want to leave.? He lives in your comfortable home, goes to school, doesn't work, you take care of his child. Sounds like he has the golden ticket. He doesn't want out, he wants you to stop ragging at him. Why would anyone want out if they have all that.
Hon, he is never going to go. If you are ready, and you have to be ready, give him a date. If not tell him you will pack up his stuff and put it in the garage, change the keys to the house. He is not motivated to pack up and do it all, you will have too. Alcoholics are not very motivated people, they just want everything to stay the same, you take care of them and they don't do anything.
About his child in the house, it is not healthy to see you fighting. He will have to step up and be a Dad. Get a job, a home and take care of his kid. There are a lot of things he needs to do and that are no longer your responsibility. Doing things for others that they full well can do for themselves is enabling. It will never top till you stop it.
Sending hugs my friend!!
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Join Date: Aug 2011
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Thlayli......I will tell you a story....it situation is not exactly the same situation as yours, but some aspects are similar.....take what you will from it.......
My daughter dated and lived with a guy for 5yrs. He had two sweet kids..a boy and a girl who stayed with him for visitations. She became very attached to the kids..naturally...(she has none of her own)......
When they, eventually split....she had a very hard time coming to that conclusion because of the kids....
She knew their mother....and, thankfully the mother was not hostile to her because she knew that my daughter treated the children so well and that the children loved her.
After the physical split...she kept a relationship with the children...Not the same, but, didn't just split from their lives.
Birthday presents and Christmas presents and cards. goes to some of their games. An occasional overnight at her house..and, of course, the dogs are there, which they dearly love!!
They call her "Auntie Jackie"...and, she has just become an extended part of their family.....
Her ex has moved on to another relationship and it seems to be going well, for a while now.....lol..he even gives me a phone call, once in a while, to inqurire as to how I am. He felt like an "almost son in law" to me.....
this is a situation where the adults are able to put the needs of the children up front.....and, are able to be civil to each other.....not exactly "cozy"....but, civil......
dandylion
My daughter dated and lived with a guy for 5yrs. He had two sweet kids..a boy and a girl who stayed with him for visitations. She became very attached to the kids..naturally...(she has none of her own)......
When they, eventually split....she had a very hard time coming to that conclusion because of the kids....
She knew their mother....and, thankfully the mother was not hostile to her because she knew that my daughter treated the children so well and that the children loved her.
After the physical split...she kept a relationship with the children...Not the same, but, didn't just split from their lives.
Birthday presents and Christmas presents and cards. goes to some of their games. An occasional overnight at her house..and, of course, the dogs are there, which they dearly love!!
They call her "Auntie Jackie"...and, she has just become an extended part of their family.....
Her ex has moved on to another relationship and it seems to be going well, for a while now.....lol..he even gives me a phone call, once in a while, to inqurire as to how I am. He felt like an "almost son in law" to me.....
this is a situation where the adults are able to put the needs of the children up front.....and, are able to be civil to each other.....not exactly "cozy"....but, civil......
dandylion
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 267
Originally Posted by maia1234 
T,
Why would he want to leave.? He lives in your comfortable home, goes to school, doesn't work, you take care of his child. Sounds like he has the golden ticket. He doesn't want out, he wants you to stop ragging at him. Why would anyone want out if they have all that.
Why would he want to leave.? He lives in your comfortable home, goes to school, doesn't work, you take care of his child. Sounds like he has the golden ticket. He doesn't want out, he wants you to stop ragging at him. Why would anyone want out if they have all that.
T. doesn't actually see the fighting...just my crying when the stress gets to me. Today I got disinvited from the kayak trip the 3 of us were going to go on for Father's Day. All I knew to tell him is that Daddy is upset with me now so I wasn't going.
Dandylion,
What did they tell the kids? I could see how the situation is similar and I do have a good relationship with the mom regardless of what AH does. I'm nicer to her than AH is and I do lots of activities with T.
AH did something like this a couple of years ago but the binge didn't last as long. He even changed T's school district. When I talked to T. to tell him that they were going to move out he was very sweet and sad and told me that maybe I could move in with his mom and his brothers.
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One more little share that is also a reminder to myself. I think that the reason this relapse has lasted so long is that I haven't jumped in to help him financially. During this one he quit his job and suddenly decided to go back to school. When he approached me about using home equity to pay for school (I had this house many years before we met) I said "no" which is super unlike me but there are limits to my stupidity and when someone has walked out on me 3 times in about 8 years I'm thinking risking my home is not worth it.
I know from my behavior modification and child development classes that when you make a change (such as saying "no" when you've previously given in), the behavior gets worse first as the rat, child, AH tries to see whether or not the change is legit. The bad thing for him is that his worse behavior has now encompassed cashing in his retirement and getting a credit card so he can continue to drink and smoke...ugh.
But...yay for me for not giving in and paying for his school with my home equity. He quickly proved to me how right that decision was!
I know from my behavior modification and child development classes that when you make a change (such as saying "no" when you've previously given in), the behavior gets worse first as the rat, child, AH tries to see whether or not the change is legit. The bad thing for him is that his worse behavior has now encompassed cashing in his retirement and getting a credit card so he can continue to drink and smoke...ugh.
But...yay for me for not giving in and paying for his school with my home equity. He quickly proved to me how right that decision was!
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Join Date: Aug 2011
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Thylayli......I don't think that the children were surprised.....it is amazin g how much children "know" that something is wrong.....
I wasn't there...so I don't know exactly which words were used.....
dandylion
I wasn't there...so I don't know exactly which words were used.....
dandylion
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Join Date: Dec 2015
Posts: 187
My kids are 7 and 9, so right in the same age range as your boy. Whenever my kids saw me crying or knew that we were fighting, the biggest thing I tried to do is just reassure them that they are loved and nothing is their fault. If I'm sad, I tell them that sometimes I get sad, just like they do and it's okay to cry when you are sad. If they knew we were fighting, I would let them know that sometimes grownups get angry with each other and have a fight, but that we still love them very much and it is absolutely not their fault, it's just grown up things. When my partner went to rehab, I explained it as a mental illness that she has that causes her to make unsafe choices, so she wasn't able to be in the house while she was unsafe. And the hospital was going to try to help her be better and make better choices. I think it's okay for kids to see adults expressing emotions, even angry or unhappy ones, as long as it's not in an unhealthy way (like physically fighting or verbally abusing each other). They just need reassurance that the people in their lives love them even if they can't be present in their lives anymore.
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