Feeling a little offended
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Feeling a little offended
So, as I have posted previously, I have been dealing with quite a bit of anxiety recently. It stinks.
One of the things I decided to do (because I really cannot afford traditional counseling at this time), is to do pastoral counseling with a pastor at my church that I trust. He is a wonderful man who in the past four sessions has really helped me.
So, yesterday, we went through our normal session, then at the end he asked if I thought this was helping me. I said yes, and he said, if so, maybe we should put me in touch with a Christian Counselor. I explained that I had previously went to a Christian Counselor who I really respect, but financially at this time it's not an option.
He seemed fine with that, and said we would meet again next week. It made me feel like he does not want to continue. I don't want to take advantage of his time, nor do I want to burden him (which I told him). I guess I am a little offended, and will likely only meet with him again one more time until my finances are better (it's a lot harder in the summer having the kids home from school), then make an appointment elsewhere.
I am glad I have had the sessions I have had, because he has really helped me quite a lot. I also just returned to Celebrate Recovery which I know will help me so much.
Hanging on....
One of the things I decided to do (because I really cannot afford traditional counseling at this time), is to do pastoral counseling with a pastor at my church that I trust. He is a wonderful man who in the past four sessions has really helped me.
So, yesterday, we went through our normal session, then at the end he asked if I thought this was helping me. I said yes, and he said, if so, maybe we should put me in touch with a Christian Counselor. I explained that I had previously went to a Christian Counselor who I really respect, but financially at this time it's not an option.
He seemed fine with that, and said we would meet again next week. It made me feel like he does not want to continue. I don't want to take advantage of his time, nor do I want to burden him (which I told him). I guess I am a little offended, and will likely only meet with him again one more time until my finances are better (it's a lot harder in the summer having the kids home from school), then make an appointment elsewhere.
I am glad I have had the sessions I have had, because he has really helped me quite a lot. I also just returned to Celebrate Recovery which I know will help me so much.
Hanging on....
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Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
hopeful, one of the duties of pastors is to do exactly what hes doing for you. it is part of their duty to God to help the flock, so stop feeling bad about it.
maybe it was just that he is hearing something he doesn't have any experience with?
how about asking him why he recommended the counselor?
you could bring up the financial concerns with him, too, about seeing a counselor at this time?
maybe it was just that he is hearing something he doesn't have any experience with?
how about asking him why he recommended the counselor?
you could bring up the financial concerns with him, too, about seeing a counselor at this time?
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Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Texas
Posts: 2,872
I second tomsteve-it is most likely bc he is not equipped to handle something. I went to my pastor a lot-plenty of times-and it greatly helped me, fundamentally, with my faith and seeing things through Gods eyes, forgiveness, strength, etc. However, for things like abuse or other specific items, my pastor is not equipped to specifically handle those-others trained in their fields are.
Maybe it's this?
Just my thoughts, friend....regardless, I'm proud of you for getting back in to CR!
Hugs!
Maybe it's this?
Just my thoughts, friend....regardless, I'm proud of you for getting back in to CR!
Hugs!
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
hopeful.....I don't know what state that you live in...but, in my state...there is free, or very minimal cost counseling through county social services....especially, if you have ever been exposed to alcoholism, addiction, or any type of emotional or physical abuse.....Also, dv organizations can hook you up with counseling.....
You just have to reach out....there is a lot of help that many people just don't know about..or, how to find....
I suspect, like the others have said, that your pastor realizes that your needs are beyond his particular skill set....because, he is a pastor---not a full-time counselor. I would bet my kid's milk money that it is NOT PERSONAL....
Consider, also, that it may be asking too much of him to step into the counselor role, completely. If he knows you, already, it may prevent him from being as objective and able to confront you in ways that a professional counselor may have to do with their clients.
After all, professional counselors are warned not to treat friends, family, or acquaintences for these very same reasons.....
lol....for more on this subject...google "transference" and "counter-transference"......
dandylion
You just have to reach out....there is a lot of help that many people just don't know about..or, how to find....
I suspect, like the others have said, that your pastor realizes that your needs are beyond his particular skill set....because, he is a pastor---not a full-time counselor. I would bet my kid's milk money that it is NOT PERSONAL....
Consider, also, that it may be asking too much of him to step into the counselor role, completely. If he knows you, already, it may prevent him from being as objective and able to confront you in ways that a professional counselor may have to do with their clients.
After all, professional counselors are warned not to treat friends, family, or acquaintences for these very same reasons.....
lol....for more on this subject...google "transference" and "counter-transference"......
dandylion
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 8,674
Another vote that it is not about you. There could be various or multiple reasons he brought this up- and I bet at the heart, his thoughts are how best to help you.
I apologize but since I am still new around here, I forget if you are an AA person- if so, is this something you could discuss with your sponsor?
I am a big believer in getting therapy and support from the kind of professional who is there to help you, so great on you for doing that!
I apologize but since I am still new around here, I forget if you are an AA person- if so, is this something you could discuss with your sponsor?
I am a big believer in getting therapy and support from the kind of professional who is there to help you, so great on you for doing that!
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Join Date: Mar 2016
Location: NC
Posts: 662
I am another vote for I don't think it is anything personal or anything to have to do with you "taking up his time".
It could be like others said that he thought he couldn't be objective enough or maybe he realized there are certain things that he heard that he thinks a counselor could better help work through with you. It could also be something as simple as it is protocol after a certain amount of sessions they ask if you would like to be set up with a Christian Counselor. It could also be that he was just bringing it up in conversation because he thought it was something you might be interested in.
It could be any number of things, please do not let what is more than likely a harmless comment that wasn't meant personally to stop you from getting the help that you need. You should never feel bad about taking care of yourself and making sure that you are mentally healthy.
Keep up the good work!
It could be like others said that he thought he couldn't be objective enough or maybe he realized there are certain things that he heard that he thinks a counselor could better help work through with you. It could also be something as simple as it is protocol after a certain amount of sessions they ask if you would like to be set up with a Christian Counselor. It could also be that he was just bringing it up in conversation because he thought it was something you might be interested in.
It could be any number of things, please do not let what is more than likely a harmless comment that wasn't meant personally to stop you from getting the help that you need. You should never feel bad about taking care of yourself and making sure that you are mentally healthy.
Keep up the good work!
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Central O-H-I-O
Posts: 1,689
I was in the same boat 4 years ago when this whole mess started with my AW. He set me up with a 'spiritual counselor', though, even though this person wasn't a therapist, he was a great listener and helped me walk through my thoughts and feelings. He also offered encouragement and hope. Over time, we became very good friends, so I gained a confidant in my life.
I agree with the others, I don't think it was anything personal.
I pray that you get any help you need, in whatever form it arrives.
I agree with the others, I don't think it was anything personal.
I pray that you get any help you need, in whatever form it arrives.
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
After reading your post 2 things come to mind………first Ann’s thread titled My Name is Ann and I am a Codependent….still. Reminded me of the way codieness creeps in to our thoughts.
And
ANTS
Automatic
Negative
Thoughts
I’m listening to an audio book while on my walks and it’s interesting about the ANTS and self-sabotage with our negative thoughts about ourselves and things and people we come in contact with.
I tend to agree, he may not be familiar with the area in which you need the most support with.
Maybe try not to throw the whole idea away of him counseling you, see how the next session goes. You are benefiting from it and that's what counts.
And
ANTS
Automatic
Negative
Thoughts
I’m listening to an audio book while on my walks and it’s interesting about the ANTS and self-sabotage with our negative thoughts about ourselves and things and people we come in contact with.
I tend to agree, he may not be familiar with the area in which you need the most support with.
Maybe try not to throw the whole idea away of him counseling you, see how the next session goes. You are benefiting from it and that's what counts.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Thanks everyone.
I actually had a counseling appt a while ago at a DV counseling service, however, I found out that counselor has a connection to my X through his work, so that's out. And she is the only one there.
My county does offer services, but I don't fit the income guidelines for a reduced rate. It's not that I am destitute or anything, I have a good job. It is just that I went through ALL of my savings paying off large joint debt recently left over from our divorce, and I am also paying for my children's counseling which is expensive. Combined with the extra I am paying for the kids being home in the summer, it's just not something I can afford at this time.
I am going to keep checking though, and in the mean time, I will continue to read, post here on SR, go to CR, stay in bible study, and will show up to my pastor next week and see how it goes. I truly don't think it's personal, I was just surprised more than anything.
I had lunch with a friend today and realized that I have people in my life, I just have to learn to reach out to them when I need a shoulder. I am a lucky person to have all of you wonderful people, and also many here where I live that truly care for me and my children. I don't want to forget how blessed I really am!
On a funny note, my daughter just saw a distant cousin of my X. He asked where her dad was, she told him he is remarried, etc. He could not believe it, he did not even know we were divorced. He asked my daughter if he has changed at all, and she said not really. The cousin said, "Oh, I'm really sorry to hear that. Well, tell your mom hi for me." Makes me realize people saw a lot more than I thought they did.
I actually had a counseling appt a while ago at a DV counseling service, however, I found out that counselor has a connection to my X through his work, so that's out. And she is the only one there.
My county does offer services, but I don't fit the income guidelines for a reduced rate. It's not that I am destitute or anything, I have a good job. It is just that I went through ALL of my savings paying off large joint debt recently left over from our divorce, and I am also paying for my children's counseling which is expensive. Combined with the extra I am paying for the kids being home in the summer, it's just not something I can afford at this time.
I am going to keep checking though, and in the mean time, I will continue to read, post here on SR, go to CR, stay in bible study, and will show up to my pastor next week and see how it goes. I truly don't think it's personal, I was just surprised more than anything.
I had lunch with a friend today and realized that I have people in my life, I just have to learn to reach out to them when I need a shoulder. I am a lucky person to have all of you wonderful people, and also many here where I live that truly care for me and my children. I don't want to forget how blessed I really am!
On a funny note, my daughter just saw a distant cousin of my X. He asked where her dad was, she told him he is remarried, etc. He could not believe it, he did not even know we were divorced. He asked my daughter if he has changed at all, and she said not really. The cousin said, "Oh, I'm really sorry to hear that. Well, tell your mom hi for me." Makes me realize people saw a lot more than I thought they did.
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Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
"On a funny note, my daughter just saw a distant cousin of my X. He asked where her dad was, she told him he is remarried, etc. He could not believe it, he did not even know we were divorced. He asked my daughter if he has changed at all, and she said not really. The cousin said, "Oh, I'm really sorry to hear that. Well, tell your mom hi for me." Makes me realize people saw a lot more than I thought they did. "
reminds me of running into an old boss about 2 years into recvory.
"holy crap tom, you look great!"
"thank you, yo do,too."
" what did you do? you look great?"
"I got sober."
"holy crap miracles DO happen. it was obvious you were a heavy drinker. glad ya got sober!"
heres the funny part:
I was a week out of chemo. felt crap would have felt and looked good.
I can only imagine how wonderful I looked while drinkin!!!
reminds me of running into an old boss about 2 years into recvory.
"holy crap tom, you look great!"
"thank you, yo do,too."
" what did you do? you look great?"
"I got sober."
"holy crap miracles DO happen. it was obvious you were a heavy drinker. glad ya got sober!"
heres the funny part:
I was a week out of chemo. felt crap would have felt and looked good.
I can only imagine how wonderful I looked while drinkin!!!
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: CA.....Hometown : Sioux Falls
Posts: 2,624
I would tell him how you feel and ask him. As a clergy I believe he'd be honest with you and likewise. Getting it out in the open might resolve something very simple and you could continue with him.
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Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
Hope,
I am sorry that you are hurt by his response. I work in a church and our priests are such good people. I am sure he just wants you to get the best support with the most qualified people available.
Us codies need to toughen our skin. I think he would feel awful if he thought you felt that way. Sending hugs my friend, give him another try.
I am sorry that you are hurt by his response. I work in a church and our priests are such good people. I am sure he just wants you to get the best support with the most qualified people available.
Us codies need to toughen our skin. I think he would feel awful if he thought you felt that way. Sending hugs my friend, give him another try.
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Join Date: Jun 2011
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Hopeful4
I had a period of time awhile back that I was REALLY angry at my counselor. I was terrified of telling her this. I avoided it for a bit, and finally got up the nerve to tell her.
She clapped for me and congratulated me on this.
I share this because I am learning that if my stuff is coming up with my support people, it is also coming up in the rest of my life. For me it is sometime magnified with my support. For me it has been a great experience of dealing with my stuff with a person that can handle me good, bad and warts all over.
I had a period of time awhile back that I was REALLY angry at my counselor. I was terrified of telling her this. I avoided it for a bit, and finally got up the nerve to tell her.
She clapped for me and congratulated me on this.
I share this because I am learning that if my stuff is coming up with my support people, it is also coming up in the rest of my life. For me it is sometime magnified with my support. For me it has been a great experience of dealing with my stuff with a person that can handle me good, bad and warts all over.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
I actually did tell him I could not afford traditional counseling at this time, and told him I don't want to be a burden on him. He assured me it is not, and I believe him. He truly is a wonderful man. It's my own issue, I know this. I guess I was a little offended b/c he even suggested it. I know that is ridiculous.
Since I have gotten divorced, I find it hard to lean on others. Not my family, I easily open up to them. Others that truly want to be there for me. I am always worried about being a burden on others. I know that is my own thing, and I have to work to get over that. Realizing it is the first step, right? I also know it comes from long term codependency.
My guess is, now that I have had a couple days to think about it, is that he has done all he knows to do to help me (which is a lot, more than he realizes I would guess), and thinks I should continue with someone who can help me further. Which I will when I am financially able.
I overthink too much....is what I think....LOL!
Since I have gotten divorced, I find it hard to lean on others. Not my family, I easily open up to them. Others that truly want to be there for me. I am always worried about being a burden on others. I know that is my own thing, and I have to work to get over that. Realizing it is the first step, right? I also know it comes from long term codependency.
My guess is, now that I have had a couple days to think about it, is that he has done all he knows to do to help me (which is a lot, more than he realizes I would guess), and thinks I should continue with someone who can help me further. Which I will when I am financially able.
I overthink too much....is what I think....LOL!
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
hopeful....I am going to spitball a bit here---is it possible, that early in your life, it was considered a bad thing to lean on others...so, now, when you allow yourself to do so...you feel some internal judgement (of yourself) as doing a "bad thing"....and, also, may be exquisitely sensitive to any possible criticism or possible "rejection".....?
Not saying that this is necessarily so...just asking......
Yes, I think that Co-Dependents will think until they wear their brains out!!
dandylion
Not saying that this is necessarily so...just asking......
Yes, I think that Co-Dependents will think until they wear their brains out!!
dandylion
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Originally Posted by hopeful4 
I actually did tell him I could not afford traditional counseling at this time, and told him I don't want to be a burden on him. He assured me it is not, and I believe him. He truly is a wonderful man. It's my own issue, I know this. I guess I was a little offended b/c he even suggested it. I know that is ridiculous.
Since I have gotten divorced, I find it hard to lean on others. Not my family, I easily open up to them. Others that truly want to be there for me. I am always worried about being a burden on others. I know that is my own thing, and I have to work to get over that. Realizing it is the first step, right? I also know it comes from long term codependency.
My guess is, now that I have had a couple days to think about it, is that he has done all he knows to do to help me (which is a lot, more than he realizes I would guess), and thinks I should continue with someone who can help me further. Which I will when I am financially able.
I overthink too much....is what I think....LOL!
Since I have gotten divorced, I find it hard to lean on others. Not my family, I easily open up to them. Others that truly want to be there for me. I am always worried about being a burden on others. I know that is my own thing, and I have to work to get over that. Realizing it is the first step, right? I also know it comes from long term codependency.
My guess is, now that I have had a couple days to think about it, is that he has done all he knows to do to help me (which is a lot, more than he realizes I would guess), and thinks I should continue with someone who can help me further. Which I will when I am financially able.
I overthink too much....is what I think....LOL!
At your last appt you told him your feelings, or when you started to see him?
The reason I ask is that I KNEW in the big picture that I could trust my therapist. Telling her in the MOMENT I was feeling the emotion was the hard part, and a very important part of me taking care of me.
For me there is a difference between saying you may not have additional options and saying that you were upset that he had brought it up. Both are so incredible important, but for me the financial part would be a part I was comfortable with (intellectual, factual etc). The second where I have to be vulnerable and share a "gasp" emotion is so much harder for me.
I think you are doing great. Part of my healing has been having an emotion and finding who was safe for me to share with and who was not.....regardless of the outcome with this person it sounds like you are learning a lot about you right now.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
I told him in the beginning and I also told him in the moment just the other day.
Dandy...wow, you are spot on. There was a lot of emotional stuff in my home as a child and growing up. Some of it I have actually blocked out. That being said, I was always very protective of my mom and did not want to lean on anyone. It has produced a lot of negative affects in my life. And yes, rejection has ALWAYS bothered me. I just talked to my pastor about that the other day as a matter of fact LOL.
My codie brain just spins and spins, it never seems to stop. I am working on that in so many ways. Sometimes just trying to be so aware and working on things so much wears me out. The days are up and down, and that is absolutely ok.
I am a work in progress, that is for sure. I guess I am a little shocked that this is happening two years after my X and I split, talk about delayed reactions! Ugh.
Dandy...wow, you are spot on. There was a lot of emotional stuff in my home as a child and growing up. Some of it I have actually blocked out. That being said, I was always very protective of my mom and did not want to lean on anyone. It has produced a lot of negative affects in my life. And yes, rejection has ALWAYS bothered me. I just talked to my pastor about that the other day as a matter of fact LOL.
My codie brain just spins and spins, it never seems to stop. I am working on that in so many ways. Sometimes just trying to be so aware and working on things so much wears me out. The days are up and down, and that is absolutely ok.
I am a work in progress, that is for sure. I guess I am a little shocked that this is happening two years after my X and I split, talk about delayed reactions! Ugh.
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