Still stuck
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Still stuck
I posted here a few months ago but can't find my old post. If you need any back ground info let me know and I will do a recap.
I've been struggling to leave my abf for a long time now. I really want to go but for some reason I can't quite do it. I'm anxious all the time when he's about and am glad when he goes out. I've had a few periods lately when I've stayed at my parents for 5-6 days, either because I've caught him drinking after he's said he's not or just for a break but because we have a dog he wants to see him so I bring him back and then chicken out to say I'm leaving.
I've been back 4 days now after my last period away and I still want to leave. He says he's stopping tomorrow and to give us one last chance but my heart isn't in it anymore. I've lost me & I want me back.
I took the dog for a walk on Saturday to where he suggested and caught him drinking as he was fishing then he suggested later on the phone that I go get some milk and I caught him again. He gets home & accuses me of following him!!!! Then he starts having a go at me about my lack of support. I had anorexia for 12 years and he's using that against me saying my folks stuck by me and I should understand addiction. I do, but I didn't go around upsetting people, getting banned from shops and being aggressive. I asked for help every time I relapsed but he won't seek help. He also says he's not aggressive towards me, but in my book being called an f'ing c**t at least 200 times in the last 4 years is pretty aggressive. Apparently I'm an idiot because I don't know what it means.
I want to go but I feel bad. I'd love to believe he's really stopping this time but I just can't. Why is now any different????
I've been struggling to leave my abf for a long time now. I really want to go but for some reason I can't quite do it. I'm anxious all the time when he's about and am glad when he goes out. I've had a few periods lately when I've stayed at my parents for 5-6 days, either because I've caught him drinking after he's said he's not or just for a break but because we have a dog he wants to see him so I bring him back and then chicken out to say I'm leaving.
I've been back 4 days now after my last period away and I still want to leave. He says he's stopping tomorrow and to give us one last chance but my heart isn't in it anymore. I've lost me & I want me back.
I took the dog for a walk on Saturday to where he suggested and caught him drinking as he was fishing then he suggested later on the phone that I go get some milk and I caught him again. He gets home & accuses me of following him!!!! Then he starts having a go at me about my lack of support. I had anorexia for 12 years and he's using that against me saying my folks stuck by me and I should understand addiction. I do, but I didn't go around upsetting people, getting banned from shops and being aggressive. I asked for help every time I relapsed but he won't seek help. He also says he's not aggressive towards me, but in my book being called an f'ing c**t at least 200 times in the last 4 years is pretty aggressive. Apparently I'm an idiot because I don't know what it means.
I want to go but I feel bad. I'd love to believe he's really stopping this time but I just can't. Why is now any different????
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
Hi and welcome back. I'm sorry you're stuck in this place, but very glad you came back here for support.
He's showing you exactly who he is. He's not even trying to stop, just trying to hide it better. He's nowhere near recovery. He is aggressive and abusive towards you.
It's worth it for you to examine what is behind your fear of letting go of this relationship. If you are really done, then you don't do either of you any favors by holding on.
He's showing you exactly who he is. He's not even trying to stop, just trying to hide it better. He's nowhere near recovery. He is aggressive and abusive towards you.
It's worth it for you to examine what is behind your fear of letting go of this relationship. If you are really done, then you don't do either of you any favors by holding on.
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Right here, right now!
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Originally Posted by Katetheo 
I posted here a few months ago but can't find my old post. If you need any back ground info let me know and I will do a recap.
I've been struggling to leave my abf for a long time now. I really want to go but for some reason I can't quite do it. I'm anxious all the time when he's about and am glad when he goes out. I've had a few periods lately when I've stayed at my parents for 5-6 days, either because I've caught him drinking after he's said he's not or just for a break but because we have a dog he wants to see him so I bring him back and then chicken out to say I'm leaving.
I've been back 4 days now after my last period away and I still want to leave. He says he's stopping tomorrow and to give us one last chance but my heart isn't in it anymore. I've lost me & I want me back.
I took the dog for a walk on Saturday to where he suggested and caught him drinking as he was fishing then he suggested later on the phone that I go get some milk and I caught him again. He gets home & accuses me of following him!!!! Then he starts having a go at me about my lack of support. I had anorexia for 12 years and he's using that against me saying my folks stuck by me and I should understand addiction. I do, but I didn't go around upsetting people, getting banned from shops and being aggressive. I asked for help every time I relapsed but he won't seek help. He also says he's not aggressive towards me, but in my book being called an f'ing c**t at least 200 times in the last 4 years is pretty aggressive. Apparently I'm an idiot because I don't know what it means.
I want to go but I feel bad. I'd love to believe he's really stopping this time but I just can't. Why is now any different????
I've been struggling to leave my abf for a long time now. I really want to go but for some reason I can't quite do it. I'm anxious all the time when he's about and am glad when he goes out. I've had a few periods lately when I've stayed at my parents for 5-6 days, either because I've caught him drinking after he's said he's not or just for a break but because we have a dog he wants to see him so I bring him back and then chicken out to say I'm leaving.
I've been back 4 days now after my last period away and I still want to leave. He says he's stopping tomorrow and to give us one last chance but my heart isn't in it anymore. I've lost me & I want me back.
I took the dog for a walk on Saturday to where he suggested and caught him drinking as he was fishing then he suggested later on the phone that I go get some milk and I caught him again. He gets home & accuses me of following him!!!! Then he starts having a go at me about my lack of support. I had anorexia for 12 years and he's using that against me saying my folks stuck by me and I should understand addiction. I do, but I didn't go around upsetting people, getting banned from shops and being aggressive. I asked for help every time I relapsed but he won't seek help. He also says he's not aggressive towards me, but in my book being called an f'ing c**t at least 200 times in the last 4 years is pretty aggressive. Apparently I'm an idiot because I don't know what it means.
I want to go but I feel bad. I'd love to believe he's really stopping this time but I just can't. Why is now any different????
I was working my own recovery from an eating disorder when I met, loved and married a problem drinker. Though there were red flags it was only AFTER marriage that I understood he was a problem drinker.
I spent A LOT of energy comparing our addictions.
I forgot a key piece though. I was ACTIVELY getting support, help and recovery. Going to therapy, going to meetings, changing behaviors. I went when I was ready to (I was 23 when I really started to get help).
My loved one was not interested in recovery. I felt like if I just "fixed," my own recovery/self it would be okay. If I created the perfect environment for him to be supported he would get support, I did so he could too.
Now with some time/space/distance I realize that "You can drag a horse to water, but not make him drink."
I gave him a lot of credit for "wanting" to get better. In retrospect his "getting better," looked very little like my recovery.
Everyone is different and I cannot dictate another's recovery.....
I bet you have a sense though if he is "recovering," or just talking about it....you have seen and lived the difference in your own recovery.
I say trust yourself, and his action rather than his words.
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Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 430
Hi Katetheo,
I think you know the answer to your own question: this time almost certainly isn't any different.
You can have so much more in your life. By staying with him, you're continuing the miserable cycle. (That said, I know how hard it is to make a big change.)
Figure out the life you want--the home, the friends, the daily schedule--visualize, it, and start moving toward it, one day at a time.
By the way, I totally relate to your point about realizing your favorite times are when you're not with your ABF. I had the same realization about my STBXAH. Now my best times are all the time, because I figured out a way to move on.
I think you know the answer to your own question: this time almost certainly isn't any different.
You can have so much more in your life. By staying with him, you're continuing the miserable cycle. (That said, I know how hard it is to make a big change.)
Figure out the life you want--the home, the friends, the daily schedule--visualize, it, and start moving toward it, one day at a time.
By the way, I totally relate to your point about realizing your favorite times are when you're not with your ABF. I had the same realization about my STBXAH. Now my best times are all the time, because I figured out a way to move on.
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
Most of the time it’s a matter of you working your way through the FOG
Fear
Obligation
Guilt
We tend to fall into a cycle of believing their words about quitting only to be disappointed over and over again when they drink.
All endings are hard, we don’t want to hurt and we don’t want to hurt them but staying and living that same life over and over again becomes so draining it seems all we can do is tread water remaining in the exact same place.
I think once you know you want out there is no stopping us except our own thoughts which are usually made up scenarios where leaving them puts them in some kind of jeopardy.
Focus on you and you why’s on why you don’t seem to have it in you to end this.
Fear?
Obligation?
Guilt?
Fear
Obligation
Guilt
We tend to fall into a cycle of believing their words about quitting only to be disappointed over and over again when they drink.
All endings are hard, we don’t want to hurt and we don’t want to hurt them but staying and living that same life over and over again becomes so draining it seems all we can do is tread water remaining in the exact same place.
I think once you know you want out there is no stopping us except our own thoughts which are usually made up scenarios where leaving them puts them in some kind of jeopardy.
Focus on you and you why’s on why you don’t seem to have it in you to end this.
Fear?
Obligation?
Guilt?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2016
Posts: 44
Thank you everyone for all your support, it means so much, it really does.
I think the FOG sums things up nicely as to why I stay.
Fear - of loosing my dog, of what he's going to throw at me, of him getting angry, of it hurting me.
Obligation - I'm not sure on this one but there will be something.
Guilt - of hurting him, of not having supported him enough...maybe if I'd been more loving & caring, but I put barriers up long ago, of him getting worse when I go, of him not having anywhere to live.
I'm sure there is lots more.
Actions definitely speak louder than words and I do know when he's trying to recover. In the past I've seen the desperation in him for wanting to get better but the fact he's not even mentioned the stopping in the last day or two tells me he's not serious. Before he's mentally worked up to it, got all his tablets ready etc etc but not a word. In my mind if he doesn't say anything he's not lying in his mind, if that makes sense.
Thanks again xx
I think the FOG sums things up nicely as to why I stay.
Fear - of loosing my dog, of what he's going to throw at me, of him getting angry, of it hurting me.
Obligation - I'm not sure on this one but there will be something.
Guilt - of hurting him, of not having supported him enough...maybe if I'd been more loving & caring, but I put barriers up long ago, of him getting worse when I go, of him not having anywhere to live.
I'm sure there is lots more.
Actions definitely speak louder than words and I do know when he's trying to recover. In the past I've seen the desperation in him for wanting to get better but the fact he's not even mentioned the stopping in the last day or two tells me he's not serious. Before he's mentally worked up to it, got all his tablets ready etc etc but not a word. In my mind if he doesn't say anything he's not lying in his mind, if that makes sense.
Thanks again xx
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
if an addict is SERIOUS about stopping....they do so TODAY, NOW, without any fanfare, swearing of oaths or making proclamations.
if an addict wants to keep drinking, but also wants to keep their chief enabler in check, they announce that they plan to stop TOMORROW, with all sorts of promises and pleadings to just give them ONE more chance, ONE more day...........this may or may include some groveling, but is distinctly void of any efforts to NOT drink.
one is very real.
and one is a con.
if an addict wants to keep drinking, but also wants to keep their chief enabler in check, they announce that they plan to stop TOMORROW, with all sorts of promises and pleadings to just give them ONE more chance, ONE more day...........this may or may include some groveling, but is distinctly void of any efforts to NOT drink.
one is very real.
and one is a con.
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Join Date: Apr 2016
Posts: 44
Thanks Anvil, that makes so much sense. Deep down I probably knew what you've just said but it's good to see/hear it....makes it more real. Of course if you're serious you do it TODAY and you put off to keep you're enabler (me) hanging on in out of either hope, obligation or guilt. Like you said it's just another con. Thank you x
On a separate note I could do with a bit of a rant. My abf has since I've known him been a very angry man (worse with drink) but never violent. Tonight he shocked me. He was checking our dogs paw as he thought there might be something in there. Doggie didn't like it and cried out. He checked it again and apparently he tried to bite my abf. Doggie was sitting on my knee but I couldn't see his face and he is the softest softest dog who has no nasty in him. My abf slapped him twice, then I saw him stop, think, then he punched him in the face. I was fuming. In my mind you don't hit animals. Tell them off yes but never hit, especially not a punch. I told him in no uncertain terms that was not acceptable but I should have taken doggie & walked out there and then. Grrrrr!!!!
On a separate note I could do with a bit of a rant. My abf has since I've known him been a very angry man (worse with drink) but never violent. Tonight he shocked me. He was checking our dogs paw as he thought there might be something in there. Doggie didn't like it and cried out. He checked it again and apparently he tried to bite my abf. Doggie was sitting on my knee but I couldn't see his face and he is the softest softest dog who has no nasty in him. My abf slapped him twice, then I saw him stop, think, then he punched him in the face. I was fuming. In my mind you don't hit animals. Tell them off yes but never hit, especially not a punch. I told him in no uncertain terms that was not acceptable but I should have taken doggie & walked out there and then. Grrrrr!!!!
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
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oh sweetie, i am so sorry for you and that sweet pup. ABUSE is never ok. ANGER is a sign of an abusive person. and abuse is a separate issue from drinking. altho drinking may let Old Thunder come flying out of the chute #3 much faster.
get away from him. get your dog away from him. and never look back.
who punches a dog? sick abusive people. which means everything and everyone is fair game.
get away from him. get your dog away from him. and never look back.
who punches a dog? sick abusive people. which means everything and everyone is fair game.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
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Katheo.....You let him abuse the dog and did nothing but tell him that it is unacceptable!!????
Why do you even think that he is worth staying under the same roof as you?
Abraham Lincoln famously said that "You can tell a man by the way he treats his dog"......
dandylion
Why do you even think that he is worth staying under the same roof as you?
Abraham Lincoln famously said that "You can tell a man by the way he treats his dog"......
dandylion
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Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
I agree with Dandy, you allowed him to punch your dog and you did nothing. Hon, you need to respect yourself and your animals and get out. He is a very sick man and God only knows what he does when you are not around. He is trying to punish you by hurting these harmless dogs.
Please get out. This is not a man you will want so spend the rest of your life with. He is a boyfriend, not a husband. He is extremely troubled and you no longer see right from wrong in this relationship. Pack your bags and don't look back. Sending hugs my friend, please stay safe.
Please get out. This is not a man you will want so spend the rest of your life with. He is a boyfriend, not a husband. He is extremely troubled and you no longer see right from wrong in this relationship. Pack your bags and don't look back. Sending hugs my friend, please stay safe.
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Join Date: Apr 2016
Posts: 44
Thanks again all. I know, I really should have left last night. Abusing me is one thing, abusing my dog is another. He cannot stand up for himself and did not deserve to be punched. Doggie has always been a bit of a wimp, crying at the slightest thing and he's such big floppy lips that he just lips you, doesn't bite.
I've never believed in splitting up via text, I've had that done to me. My abusive exbf cleared out his stuff when I was at work one day and it was the worst way he could have done it so I believe in doing it face to face but in this instance I'm wondering if it's the only way...to just go and let him know after. I've tried face to face so many times but then get sucked in to the promises which don't come true.
The other day my abf asked me what my perfect day would look like after he'd had his perfect day fishing. I could honestly not answer him. It's been so long since I've been happy I've forgotten. In hindsight I should have said my perfect day would be to wake up not exhausted and a day free from anxiety, from feeling sick and from not dreading him coming home. At the moment the only time of day I look forward to is bedtime. We sleep separately with dog with me!
I've never believed in splitting up via text, I've had that done to me. My abusive exbf cleared out his stuff when I was at work one day and it was the worst way he could have done it so I believe in doing it face to face but in this instance I'm wondering if it's the only way...to just go and let him know after. I've tried face to face so many times but then get sucked in to the promises which don't come true.
The other day my abf asked me what my perfect day would look like after he'd had his perfect day fishing. I could honestly not answer him. It's been so long since I've been happy I've forgotten. In hindsight I should have said my perfect day would be to wake up not exhausted and a day free from anxiety, from feeling sick and from not dreading him coming home. At the moment the only time of day I look forward to is bedtime. We sleep separately with dog with me!
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Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
Kate,
It's not easy to brake up, period. If you feel the need to "explain" to him your decision I would be packed up and ready, as he will try and stop u. Our a's in our lives know how to manipulate us. They say the right things, that's why we have stuck around the abusive relationship so long. They throw us some scraps and we always forgive, but never forget.
Please be prepared, tell him and then leave. Cut off contact immediately and mean what u say. It will hurt, and chances are, he will have a new "love" with in weeks, as alcoholics need enablers to continue with their addictions. Just be grateful it isn't you.
You don't understand now, but it will be the best thing you ever did in your life. Sending hugs and strength, you are a strong women, and you can do anything in your life you need to do. We are all here to support your courageous move!!
It's not easy to brake up, period. If you feel the need to "explain" to him your decision I would be packed up and ready, as he will try and stop u. Our a's in our lives know how to manipulate us. They say the right things, that's why we have stuck around the abusive relationship so long. They throw us some scraps and we always forgive, but never forget.
Please be prepared, tell him and then leave. Cut off contact immediately and mean what u say. It will hurt, and chances are, he will have a new "love" with in weeks, as alcoholics need enablers to continue with their addictions. Just be grateful it isn't you.
You don't understand now, but it will be the best thing you ever did in your life. Sending hugs and strength, you are a strong women, and you can do anything in your life you need to do. We are all here to support your courageous move!!
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Kate, you are living with abuse. Abusers are dangerous people. Abusers who also abuse animals are even more dangerous.
Please contact your local women's shelter or the National DV Hotline if you are in the US. If you aren't in the US, there are other agencies to help--send me a pm and I can help you find one. I'm not saying you must go into a shelter, but you might be entitled to a protective order (which would require him to leave), and they can help you decide what you want to do and to make a plan to leave SAFELY. There are organizations who can help if you need someone to temporarily care for the dog, too.
Hugs, please take care of yourself. I've worked in the DV field for a very long time and this sounds to me like a dangerous situation.
Please contact your local women's shelter or the National DV Hotline if you are in the US. If you aren't in the US, there are other agencies to help--send me a pm and I can help you find one. I'm not saying you must go into a shelter, but you might be entitled to a protective order (which would require him to leave), and they can help you decide what you want to do and to make a plan to leave SAFELY. There are organizations who can help if you need someone to temporarily care for the dog, too.
Hugs, please take care of yourself. I've worked in the DV field for a very long time and this sounds to me like a dangerous situation.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
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Originally Posted by Katetheo
Abusing me is one thing, abusing my dog is another. He cannot stand up for himself and did not deserve to be punched.
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Join Date: Jan 2016
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It's way past worrying about whether breaking up by text is impolite. YOu don't even have to do that, just leave. He'll figure it out.
If he'll punch a dog...you're next. Lexiecat's advice is always good...call someone and get yourself safe.
Sending a worried hug...
If he'll punch a dog...you're next. Lexiecat's advice is always good...call someone and get yourself safe.
Sending a worried hug...
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Katetheo........when it come to abuse....the first priority is to take care of your self.....break-up "protocol" falls to the wayside.......
I believe that contacting a dv agency, such as Lexie suggested, would be the "next right thing to do". they can help you make and carry out a plan.....
dandylion
I believe that contacting a dv agency, such as Lexie suggested, would be the "next right thing to do". they can help you make and carry out a plan.....
dandylion
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Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: bedminster, nj
Posts: 65
You must have a love for him to have stuck it out this long. Either that or your are an overly compassionate person. Have you dated anyone else on your breaks? That would be my suggestion. If you find someone that you really care about, it would make leaving him appear to be the right choice, and it would make it easier on you. You only have one life to live! And, just given the fact that he could call you such vulgar names indicates to me that you should run, and run fast. Has he ever been physically abusive?
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