Still stuck
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2016
Posts: 44
I will do Dandylion, hopefully tomorrow. Aries, also thank you too for the advice.
No need to say ooops Daddyo, I understand what you're saying. I think I'm just an overly compassionate person. Even though he's hurt me so much I don't want to hurt him. He knows I don't love him anymore. I dread to think how much harder it would be if I did. I know the kindest thing for him too in the long run would be to leave.
Even his family say any other woman wouldn't have stayed this long!
No need to say ooops Daddyo, I understand what you're saying. I think I'm just an overly compassionate person. Even though he's hurt me so much I don't want to hurt him. He knows I don't love him anymore. I dread to think how much harder it would be if I did. I know the kindest thing for him too in the long run would be to leave.
Even his family say any other woman wouldn't have stayed this long!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
I've never believed in splitting up via text, I've had that done to me. My abusive exbf cleared out his stuff when I was at work one day and it was the worst way he could have done it so I believe in doing it face to face but in this instance I'm wondering if it's the only way...to just go and let him know after. I've tried face to face so many times but then get sucked in to the promises which don't come true.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Originally Posted by BaldDaddyO 
Have you dated anyone else on your breaks? That would be my suggestion. If you find someone that you really care about, it would make leaving him appear to be the right choice, and it would make it easier on you.
I sure wouldn't rush into dating at this point.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
Even his family say any other woman wouldn't have stayed this long!
and there won't be any awards handed out for that. i wonder if you are as much overly compassionate as you are conflict averse. not wanting to rock the boat. willing to put up with almost anything just to keep the peace.
i do hope you are able to connect with the DV group. that is some valuable support. this is not the time to try to BARGAIN with your abuser, or THREATEN that you are going to leave unless.....your priority is to get out of a dangerous situation before you get hurt.....or worse.
and there won't be any awards handed out for that. i wonder if you are as much overly compassionate as you are conflict averse. not wanting to rock the boat. willing to put up with almost anything just to keep the peace.
i do hope you are able to connect with the DV group. that is some valuable support. this is not the time to try to BARGAIN with your abuser, or THREATEN that you are going to leave unless.....your priority is to get out of a dangerous situation before you get hurt.....or worse.
Member
Join Date: May 2016
Location: Coronado, CA
Posts: 8
You mentioned that you go spend time at your parents' house. I would recommend taking your dog and your most important things and leaving without a confrontation as soon as possible. When you go back for the rest of your things, bring someone with you. Don't go alone. And don't bring your dog. Try to choose a time when the house is empty if possible, but if he is there try not to engage. Alcoholics are so manipulative; you don't want to get sucked in by tears and empty promises. No, in general breaking up via text or the like is rude and inconsiderate, but this is not an "in general" sort of situation. This is a situation of his own making and you are the one in need of consideration.
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
Originally Posted by Katetheo
Thanks Anvil, that makes so much sense. Deep down I probably knew what you've just said but it's good to see/hear it....makes it more real. Of course if you're serious you do it TODAY and you put off to keep you're enabler (me) hanging on in out of either hope, obligation or guilt. Like you said it's just another con. Thank you x
On a separate note I could do with a bit of a rant. My abf has since I've known him been a very angry man (worse with drink) but never violent. Tonight he shocked me. He was checking our dogs paw as he thought there might be something in there. Doggie didn't like it and cried out. He checked it again and apparently he tried to bite my abf. Doggie was sitting on my knee but I couldn't see his face and he is the softest softest dog who has no nasty in him. My abf slapped him twice, then I saw him stop, think, then he punched him in the face. I was fuming. In my mind you don't hit animals. Tell them off yes but never hit, especially not a punch. I told him in no uncertain terms that was not acceptable but I should have taken doggie & walked out there and then. Grrrrr!!!!
On a separate note I could do with a bit of a rant. My abf has since I've known him been a very angry man (worse with drink) but never violent. Tonight he shocked me. He was checking our dogs paw as he thought there might be something in there. Doggie didn't like it and cried out. He checked it again and apparently he tried to bite my abf. Doggie was sitting on my knee but I couldn't see his face and he is the softest softest dog who has no nasty in him. My abf slapped him twice, then I saw him stop, think, then he punched him in the face. I was fuming. In my mind you don't hit animals. Tell them off yes but never hit, especially not a punch. I told him in no uncertain terms that was not acceptable but I should have taken doggie & walked out there and then. Grrrrr!!!!
If it were me he would be in jail right now for animal abuse.
This time it was the dog, next time it might be you. Though honestly I'd rather take the hit than let an animal be abused this way. I'd rather not take the hit either so my advice is to get the hell out.
I'm sure you have heard "tomorrow and one more chance" too many times to count. He refers to you as a F'n C't, lies repeatedly, is verbally abusive, and now an animal abuser. On top of being a drunk.
I see zero here for you. Best to remove yourself and you loving animal before something happens that can't be undone.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2016
Posts: 44
Good news, I am leaving tomorrow and that is 100%. My dog was recently diagnosed with inflammatory bowel disease and has been put on a special diet following ultrasound, blood tests etc. It seems to be working and the specialist said he wants him on this diet for another 2 weeks and then I can add in one new thing, try that for a week and if ok that food can stay, then repeat with other foods. Tried to tell abf this and he's just gone off on one saying vets a load of s**t, I'm wasting my money and he can now eat what he likes as there is nothing wrong with him. I'm so annoyed. He wouldn't even let me finish what I was saying. He's also moaned at me that I have spent £3000 on all this and not consulted him. Not once has he been to the vets with me, he's not paid a penny towards the tests or the cost of the food which is expensive. I'd spend my last penny on getting my dog well. He's not been able to contribute as we all know what he's spent his money on. I need to buy more food tonight, will he help? No. But he thinks he can dictate what he eats. He's messed with my boy once, not again!!!!!
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Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Greenville sc
Posts: 137
I am currently splitting with my AH. And it has taken me almost 10 years to realize but the one more times and promises are just like anvil and hopeful and every one said just lies. We hope and trust and believe the lies only to be let down time and time again. The next $40 or last couple pills or drinks are always the last ones. Butits the first drink or drugs that cause the issue not the last ones.
This has helped me so maybe it can help you. Someone told me recently that you have to understand the nature of a thing to be able to accept it. For example the nature of a dog is to bark at the unknown. If a stranger comes around you would not be perplexed if your dog barks to let you know. Or if a baby cries to let you know its hungry or wetyou aren't shocked when they do.
But somehow we are shocked when an addict who has proven timeand again how unpredictable and unreliable they are exhibits signs of addiction. We are so shocked when the promise of no more is broken but it was broken so many othe times with no real proof of change.
I am in no way saying that it makes leaving easy or what they do right. But we keep trying to expect rational behavior when that goescompletely against their nature. People can change and there are many who have. But change looks like change and using looks like using.
We are here for you and you are stronger than you think.
This has helped me so maybe it can help you. Someone told me recently that you have to understand the nature of a thing to be able to accept it. For example the nature of a dog is to bark at the unknown. If a stranger comes around you would not be perplexed if your dog barks to let you know. Or if a baby cries to let you know its hungry or wetyou aren't shocked when they do.
But somehow we are shocked when an addict who has proven timeand again how unpredictable and unreliable they are exhibits signs of addiction. We are so shocked when the promise of no more is broken but it was broken so many othe times with no real proof of change.
I am in no way saying that it makes leaving easy or what they do right. But we keep trying to expect rational behavior when that goescompletely against their nature. People can change and there are many who have. But change looks like change and using looks like using.
We are here for you and you are stronger than you think.
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Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Northwest
Posts: 4,215
You know, some dogs are very sensitive to stress. A big partof your dog's IBD may be living in constant turmoil.
I'm glad to hear you're getting both of you outof that toxic situation.
Sending you a hug.
I'm glad to hear you're getting both of you outof that toxic situation.
Sending you a hug.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2016
Posts: 44
So am I just as bad? Last time I posted I said I was 100% going to leave but fear set in and I didn't. Does that mean I'm like my abf's I'm going to give up in a few days?
Good news is I've managed to get through to the DV helpline here in the UK and the lady I spoke to was so supportive & gave me some things to look up & gave me a local support number. I then called them and got an equally supportive lady. Only thing is it's made my fear a little worse. She told my options, stay & they can support me (I don't want this), leave & stay with my folks, leave & stay in a hostel & with that either leave my dog with a friend or they can help me try & find someone to have him for a while. With the latter 2 options they can offer me someone to meet with and talk to. I'm not sure but I think she was trying to sell me the hostel option but I'd rather stay with my folks. What scared me was when she was talking about how if I leave & he stays in the property until the lease ends he could destroy it & land me in a load of debt with difficulties finding a new place. She suggested I wait until he goes out and change the locks. As much as I don't want to be an enabler I don't think I could do that to him. I at least want to give him some time to find somewhere else.
What both ladies said though is when I go if he gets very abusive etc I can apply for a non molestation order. I hope it doesn't come to that but good to know.
As I've mentioned before I'm lucky I've got a good network of friends/family who I speak to but I'm getting different views & I don't know what to do for the best. In an ideal world I just want the split to be peaceful & as easy as possible for both of us but realistically I know that's not going to happen. My best friend thinks I should take baby steps to leave to increase the likelihood of him staying calm. Abf's sister thinks I should just go, leave a letter, take dog and if necessary change my number but that option leads me back to what to DV lady said about problems with the property. I'm so confused!!!
All I know is I have to go! My anxiety is getting worse by the day. Abf isn't being as bad this week (in comparison of course) but he's being incredibly hard work. For example yesterday he text me, so I text him back to say I was going to take dog out, 5 mins later he calls me saying very arsey how can you be taking dog out as he's home & I'm not there. He was taking it so so literally. He then asked where I was so I said walking along the river & he was again very arsey saying funny that I've just walked along the river, exactly where are you? So I hung up. Doesn't sound an awful call but his tone was dreadful & I do not know what he was trying to imply. Anyway he then gets back to me asking me what's wrong in my head he was only asking so he could come and meet me???? and was this a plan of mine to leave again & you're not taking the dog as he's done nothing wrong. How could I have had a plan, he called me!!!!
He then did something similar when I was getting ready to go out with my friend & then when I got home he tells me how he stole 2 bits of fish from the fish counter at a local shop because the bloke told him not to touch the fish. In his head how f'ing dare he, the f'ing idiot. He's telling me like he's so proud of what he's done & completely justified and he's looking at me wanting me to agree it's ok.
None of these events are the worst he's done but I'm so exhausted & it's doing my head in.
Thanks for letting me rant xx
Good news is I've managed to get through to the DV helpline here in the UK and the lady I spoke to was so supportive & gave me some things to look up & gave me a local support number. I then called them and got an equally supportive lady. Only thing is it's made my fear a little worse. She told my options, stay & they can support me (I don't want this), leave & stay with my folks, leave & stay in a hostel & with that either leave my dog with a friend or they can help me try & find someone to have him for a while. With the latter 2 options they can offer me someone to meet with and talk to. I'm not sure but I think she was trying to sell me the hostel option but I'd rather stay with my folks. What scared me was when she was talking about how if I leave & he stays in the property until the lease ends he could destroy it & land me in a load of debt with difficulties finding a new place. She suggested I wait until he goes out and change the locks. As much as I don't want to be an enabler I don't think I could do that to him. I at least want to give him some time to find somewhere else.
What both ladies said though is when I go if he gets very abusive etc I can apply for a non molestation order. I hope it doesn't come to that but good to know.
As I've mentioned before I'm lucky I've got a good network of friends/family who I speak to but I'm getting different views & I don't know what to do for the best. In an ideal world I just want the split to be peaceful & as easy as possible for both of us but realistically I know that's not going to happen. My best friend thinks I should take baby steps to leave to increase the likelihood of him staying calm. Abf's sister thinks I should just go, leave a letter, take dog and if necessary change my number but that option leads me back to what to DV lady said about problems with the property. I'm so confused!!!
All I know is I have to go! My anxiety is getting worse by the day. Abf isn't being as bad this week (in comparison of course) but he's being incredibly hard work. For example yesterday he text me, so I text him back to say I was going to take dog out, 5 mins later he calls me saying very arsey how can you be taking dog out as he's home & I'm not there. He was taking it so so literally. He then asked where I was so I said walking along the river & he was again very arsey saying funny that I've just walked along the river, exactly where are you? So I hung up. Doesn't sound an awful call but his tone was dreadful & I do not know what he was trying to imply. Anyway he then gets back to me asking me what's wrong in my head he was only asking so he could come and meet me???? and was this a plan of mine to leave again & you're not taking the dog as he's done nothing wrong. How could I have had a plan, he called me!!!!
He then did something similar when I was getting ready to go out with my friend & then when I got home he tells me how he stole 2 bits of fish from the fish counter at a local shop because the bloke told him not to touch the fish. In his head how f'ing dare he, the f'ing idiot. He's telling me like he's so proud of what he's done & completely justified and he's looking at me wanting me to agree it's ok.
None of these events are the worst he's done but I'm so exhausted & it's doing my head in.
Thanks for letting me rant xx
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Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: New York
Posts: 105
Great questions Dandylion - In my case, the apartment was in both our names. I left and then called the leasing office and asked them to remove my name from the lease and now the financial responsibility of the apartment is on him.
Katetheo - If you are renting the place together, then perhaps you could do the same?
Katetheo - If you are renting the place together, then perhaps you could do the same?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2016
Posts: 44
Hi Dandylion. We are renting. Initially the tenancy was in my name only and a full credit check was done on me. A couple of months later abf was added but only a partial check done. Because of this I am lead tentant and when I give notice it will terminate the whole tenancy. I spoke to the agents a while back with different scenarios and they said because of abf's poor credit history & not working its unlikely the would give him a tenancy. I could stay if I could get him to go (unlikely) but I want a fresh start as too many memories here now xx
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Yes, HopingforCure....exactly my train of thought on this!
While I am not a lawyer (nor do I play one on TV).....I have heard of people approaching the leasing office or landloard in "special situations"....such as this...and gotten themselves removed from the lease......
dandylion
While I am not a lawyer (nor do I play one on TV).....I have heard of people approaching the leasing office or landloard in "special situations"....such as this...and gotten themselves removed from the lease......
dandylion
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