Stuck at a crossroad with my AH
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 1
Stuck at a crossroad with my AH
My AH (tho he denies an alcohol issue) is a former soldier. He has undiagnosed PTSD (he also denies this) and his alcohol consumption is getting worse. We recently bought a new house and as we move in after painting is complete, my fridge is stocked with beer. And wine. He also consumes whiskey. We have two small children and the oldest (who will be 5) is beginning to speak to me in the same rude, curt tones that her dad does. His mother does not see that he has an issue as she says "it is the stress of moving, I am sure".
I am at my wits end. With his anger issues I do not even know how to begin getting to the point of "it is your family or alcohol". This is my first time reaching out for advise and suggestions. Thanks!!!
I am at my wits end. With his anger issues I do not even know how to begin getting to the point of "it is your family or alcohol". This is my first time reaching out for advise and suggestions. Thanks!!!
I could see peace instead of this
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Canada, eh
Posts: 2,360
Welcome, Lester!
This is a great place to get information and support for someone in your situation. Keep reading and posting and asking questions.
You can't fix him but you can learn to start taking care of yourself and your children.
This is a great place to get information and support for someone in your situation. Keep reading and posting and asking questions.
You can't fix him but you can learn to start taking care of yourself and your children.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Welcome to SR, Lester--I'm glad you found us here. SR has been a tremendous resource for support, learning and growth for me over the past 3+ years, and I hope you benefit from reading and posting here also.
A good place to start is just reading around the forum as much as you can. Make sure not to miss the stickies at the top of the page--there is a lot of concentrated wisdom and experience there. I think you'll find that a lot of things here resonate w/you. There are also folks here who are knowledgeable about DV (domestic violence) issues, and even though you don't mention this specifically, it may still be helpful to get some info on this--living with a soldier with alcoholism, PTSD and anger issues seems like it could be a potentially volatile situation. I know there are several members here who are military themselves or who are familiar w/the military; they can likely provide specific info/support in dealing with that aspect of things, too.
You say you're not sure how to get past those anger issues to decide if it's "his family or alcohol" that is the problem. I'd like to suggest that, even IF the family is the problem, that does not give him free rein to act abusive, rude, etc. He is an adult and as such is responsible for his actions--if he is unhappy, then it is on HIM to express that in an adult manner and to work towards a solution. It is NOT up to his family to read his mind and walk on eggshells to keep from upsetting him.
It's far more likely that the combo of alcohol, PTSD and anger is the problem--but fixing those things would require him to do some hard work on himself. If he can blame his unhappiness on the family, well then he has a free pass to keep drinking, acting abusive, and so on, b/c after all, it's not his fault, you all are driving him to act this way!
I'd like to also suggest Alanon or Celebrate Recovery to you--both are for YOU and can be wonderful sources of face-to-face education and support. Regardless of what he does or doesn't do, you have taken the first steps towards your own health and recovery, and that's a big deal!
I hope to see more posts from you in the days to come. Keep reading, keep posting, and in time you'll start to see where your path forward lies.
A good place to start is just reading around the forum as much as you can. Make sure not to miss the stickies at the top of the page--there is a lot of concentrated wisdom and experience there. I think you'll find that a lot of things here resonate w/you. There are also folks here who are knowledgeable about DV (domestic violence) issues, and even though you don't mention this specifically, it may still be helpful to get some info on this--living with a soldier with alcoholism, PTSD and anger issues seems like it could be a potentially volatile situation. I know there are several members here who are military themselves or who are familiar w/the military; they can likely provide specific info/support in dealing with that aspect of things, too.
You say you're not sure how to get past those anger issues to decide if it's "his family or alcohol" that is the problem. I'd like to suggest that, even IF the family is the problem, that does not give him free rein to act abusive, rude, etc. He is an adult and as such is responsible for his actions--if he is unhappy, then it is on HIM to express that in an adult manner and to work towards a solution. It is NOT up to his family to read his mind and walk on eggshells to keep from upsetting him.
It's far more likely that the combo of alcohol, PTSD and anger is the problem--but fixing those things would require him to do some hard work on himself. If he can blame his unhappiness on the family, well then he has a free pass to keep drinking, acting abusive, and so on, b/c after all, it's not his fault, you all are driving him to act this way!
I'd like to also suggest Alanon or Celebrate Recovery to you--both are for YOU and can be wonderful sources of face-to-face education and support. Regardless of what he does or doesn't do, you have taken the first steps towards your own health and recovery, and that's a big deal!
I hope to see more posts from you in the days to come. Keep reading, keep posting, and in time you'll start to see where your path forward lies.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Hello and welcome.
I know the military has a good support system, so have you thought about doing some counseling for you alone? I ask that b/c when my Xhusband was in denial, the best thing I could ever do for myself was to reach out and get counseling with someone who helps families with addiction issues. It helped me learn coping skills, it helped me become strong, and it helped me help my children through what was going on. This way, not matter what would happen, I knew I was in a position myself to handle it. I also used this wonderful forum, and Celebrate Recovery for face to face support. These things have been key in getting me through some of my most rough times.
If it continues, it will begin to affect your children more and more. Prepare for that because it will happen.
Keep posting. Keep reading the stickies at the top of the forum. You are not alone.
I know the military has a good support system, so have you thought about doing some counseling for you alone? I ask that b/c when my Xhusband was in denial, the best thing I could ever do for myself was to reach out and get counseling with someone who helps families with addiction issues. It helped me learn coping skills, it helped me become strong, and it helped me help my children through what was going on. This way, not matter what would happen, I knew I was in a position myself to handle it. I also used this wonderful forum, and Celebrate Recovery for face to face support. These things have been key in getting me through some of my most rough times.
If it continues, it will begin to affect your children more and more. Prepare for that because it will happen.
Keep posting. Keep reading the stickies at the top of the forum. You are not alone.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
Posts: 3,050
Hi Lester. I have been in almost your exact situation. My ex and I are both veterans and he chose to self-medicate his PTSD and other issues with alcohol rather than take advantage of the vast network of resources available to veterans.
Reading between the lines of your post, my experience is that there is never going to be a "right time" or "right way" to bring up anything he doesn't want to talk about because the denial-ridden circular conversation is not worth risking the resulting explosion of rage.
About "the rage"- I also suffer from PTSD. I have been very proactive about treating it. I have at least 2 mental health appointments a month, I participate in a mindfulness (meditation) program through the VA, I do hot yoga on my own several times a week. I've found that any "mind/body" type of activity is very helpful in managing my symptoms (there is no cure, it is lifelong, but I don't have to be a slave to it). This also allows me to stay off medication, though I know that is a great help to many and would never judge what someone else did if it worked for them.
When I have a trigger event, I have the skills to get myself to a safe space mentally (sometimes physically) and ride the wave of emotions until my fight or flight response is back under control. This is something I have had to work on, but it is doable.
What I DON'T do is fly off into an insane, raging tirade at whoever has the misfortune to be in my presence. I don't use my diagnosis as an excuse to mistreat others. I don't put my loved ones in danger. I don't verbally or physically assault other human beings. I don't use it as a way of controlling others with fear. The gentleman I've been seeing recently asked if there was anything he could or should do if I had an episode. I told him he should not let me use it as an excuse to mistreat him or behave in an unacceptable way.
I have had moments where for example my DS7 jumped out from behind a door to give me a scare. That triggered me and in the moment I did snap at him and fly off the handle. I saw the fear in his eyes and felt terrible. When my breathing and heart rate were under control, I sat with him and had a talk about why mommy doesn't like that, even though I know he meant it to be for fun.
Your husband sounds like my ex, and his mom sounds like my ex's mom (ugh, super sorry). I had zero success convincing either of them that he needed to get real help, though I wore myself out and nearly went crazy trying. My ex also had a lot of success playing us off of one another. Running back and forth making one or the other of us the bad guy to take the focus off of his behavior. I ultimately had to remove myself and my children from the situation because it had gotten to the point where we were in actual physical danger due to his blackout drinking and rages.
I second the recommendation to get yourself and your kids into counseling, especially the 5 year old who is obviously already impact by his behavior. Please keep posting and reading. We are here for you.
Reading between the lines of your post, my experience is that there is never going to be a "right time" or "right way" to bring up anything he doesn't want to talk about because the denial-ridden circular conversation is not worth risking the resulting explosion of rage.
About "the rage"- I also suffer from PTSD. I have been very proactive about treating it. I have at least 2 mental health appointments a month, I participate in a mindfulness (meditation) program through the VA, I do hot yoga on my own several times a week. I've found that any "mind/body" type of activity is very helpful in managing my symptoms (there is no cure, it is lifelong, but I don't have to be a slave to it). This also allows me to stay off medication, though I know that is a great help to many and would never judge what someone else did if it worked for them.
When I have a trigger event, I have the skills to get myself to a safe space mentally (sometimes physically) and ride the wave of emotions until my fight or flight response is back under control. This is something I have had to work on, but it is doable.
What I DON'T do is fly off into an insane, raging tirade at whoever has the misfortune to be in my presence. I don't use my diagnosis as an excuse to mistreat others. I don't put my loved ones in danger. I don't verbally or physically assault other human beings. I don't use it as a way of controlling others with fear. The gentleman I've been seeing recently asked if there was anything he could or should do if I had an episode. I told him he should not let me use it as an excuse to mistreat him or behave in an unacceptable way.
I have had moments where for example my DS7 jumped out from behind a door to give me a scare. That triggered me and in the moment I did snap at him and fly off the handle. I saw the fear in his eyes and felt terrible. When my breathing and heart rate were under control, I sat with him and had a talk about why mommy doesn't like that, even though I know he meant it to be for fun.
Your husband sounds like my ex, and his mom sounds like my ex's mom (ugh, super sorry). I had zero success convincing either of them that he needed to get real help, though I wore myself out and nearly went crazy trying. My ex also had a lot of success playing us off of one another. Running back and forth making one or the other of us the bad guy to take the focus off of his behavior. I ultimately had to remove myself and my children from the situation because it had gotten to the point where we were in actual physical danger due to his blackout drinking and rages.
I second the recommendation to get yourself and your kids into counseling, especially the 5 year old who is obviously already impact by his behavior. Please keep posting and reading. We are here for you.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Texas
Posts: 2,872
^ yes ma'am-word for word what Lady said. I too had the misfortune of marrying a very angry, demonized person that used alcohol as am escape and raged at his family in private. I too had a total nimwit of a mother in law, just like you. My ex played me against her, me against his sister, his sister against me-triangulation at it's best, just to make someone else BE the problem vs his issues-which are too many to list. I had to leave as his drinking and abuse were killing me and my children and I no longer felt safe in my home.
Point is this-you will need some help getting out of this-alanon, DV shelter, etc. Please keep posting here as well-we have your best interests in mind, and especially those of your children as well.
Hugs.
Point is this-you will need some help getting out of this-alanon, DV shelter, etc. Please keep posting here as well-we have your best interests in mind, and especially those of your children as well.
Hugs.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
