when does the sun come out?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2016
Posts: 4
when does the sun come out?
I had always thought that once he stopped drinking, the sun would come out and all would be well.
During our relationship, the drinking was progressing. My begging didn’t work, so I started gradually pulling away. I realized that I had to protect my heart from all of this, but I never fully pulled away. We still talked, I still cared. I thought friendship was safer on my heart, but it seems I've been stuck in limbo, not able to re commit or cut ties.
He's now been sober for 8 months (on his own; no support program). I'm so glad that he stopped, but I never thought he would drink himself sick. He actually had to stop. He was hospitalized, where he lost an unhealthy 40 lbs. He still has not gained it back, is pale and fatigued. I'm so worried that something is wrong, but he says the doc says he's doing good and all is now okay. Has anyone experienced these symptoms? Is it typical? If so, does anyone have positive stories of health being regained during and after recovery; a story that gives hope? I keep thinking maybe the body will fight off the toxins and normalize, but I don't know what others have experienced. The worry over all this is making me sick. I'm sick a lot, fatigued, depressed. I can't talk to anyone about this and I don't know who to ask. Maybe someone could PM me or recommend who I might be able to give insight. Thanks.
During our relationship, the drinking was progressing. My begging didn’t work, so I started gradually pulling away. I realized that I had to protect my heart from all of this, but I never fully pulled away. We still talked, I still cared. I thought friendship was safer on my heart, but it seems I've been stuck in limbo, not able to re commit or cut ties.
He's now been sober for 8 months (on his own; no support program). I'm so glad that he stopped, but I never thought he would drink himself sick. He actually had to stop. He was hospitalized, where he lost an unhealthy 40 lbs. He still has not gained it back, is pale and fatigued. I'm so worried that something is wrong, but he says the doc says he's doing good and all is now okay. Has anyone experienced these symptoms? Is it typical? If so, does anyone have positive stories of health being regained during and after recovery; a story that gives hope? I keep thinking maybe the body will fight off the toxins and normalize, but I don't know what others have experienced. The worry over all this is making me sick. I'm sick a lot, fatigued, depressed. I can't talk to anyone about this and I don't know who to ask. Maybe someone could PM me or recommend who I might be able to give insight. Thanks.
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Join Date: May 2016
Location: Tulsa, Ok
Posts: 7
Well, my husband is in treatment right now so I can't say anything positive to that effect but I can tell you this, he lost a significant scary amount of weight fast. He went from 170 to 120 in a matter of a few months. Had diarrhea and vomitting. Went to a GI doc and was diagnosed with Celiacs. He doesn't believe it and still eats what he wants but he has put weight back on. He last weighed 164. So there is hope. Maybe if he is willing to go to the doc and get checked out. Could be worth checking out.
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Lakeside, Ca
Posts: 10,208
At eight months sober it might be time for a little exercise?
If you both have bicycles, a ride outside in the fresh air is not only good for ones health but, also a great time to talk on a deep level. It all comes out when the blood is flowing.
Mountainmanbob
If you both have bicycles, a ride outside in the fresh air is not only good for ones health but, also a great time to talk on a deep level. It all comes out when the blood is flowing.
Mountainmanbob
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Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
Just because he is not seeking support to get through this (his choice) that doesn't mean that you can't do so for yourself. While he was drinking your thoughts and feelings revolved around him. Now he's sober your thoughts and feelings are still all revolving around him. And you can't DO anything to change what he's doing or how he is any more now than you could when he was sober. There is more to life than this. Perhaps the time has come for you to let him deal with his recovery, and for you to focus on your own recovery. Why not investigate your local AlAnon meetings for some support and the chance to make some friends who can exactly understand what you've been and are going through.
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: uk
Posts: 665
Hi Juliet
Sorry to hear of your situation. My husband stopped drinking for about 9 months or so. He didn't work a program either.
His behaviour became far worse.
I would urge you to look after yourself. Focus on getting yourself well. Al-anon was a life changer for me.
Sorry to hear of your situation. My husband stopped drinking for about 9 months or so. He didn't work a program either.
His behaviour became far worse.
I would urge you to look after yourself. Focus on getting yourself well. Al-anon was a life changer for me.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2016
Posts: 4
Thanks everyone.
Is the weight/muscle loss typical? Does anyone have positive stories of health being regained during and after recovery; a story that gives hope? I keep thinking maybe the body will fight off the toxins and normalize, but I don't know what others have experienced.
Lee Jane, how did his behavior get worse ? Was it due to not working a program?
Is the weight/muscle loss typical? Does anyone have positive stories of health being regained during and after recovery; a story that gives hope? I keep thinking maybe the body will fight off the toxins and normalize, but I don't know what others have experienced.
Lee Jane, how did his behavior get worse ? Was it due to not working a program?
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 8,674
Juliet - agree with a lot of the above, especially about taking care of you. Have you sought out any co-dependent or Al Anon mtgs? Might be particularly helpful since you say that a lot of your thoughts etc still focus on him.
Re health- I have heard many stories, and am experiencing a return to health. It involves a lot of things for me (and from what I have heard and read about others' experience). This is a great article on PAWS (which can exhibit for months, a year, a while!) - https://digital-dharma.net/post-acut...r-immediately/
My experience has been a return to health with a lot of work - eating to repair my body, dr supervision and help w meds, sleep, now getting into exercise (I am at 101 days). I had severe liver damage among other things and that has vastly improved along with my platelet count and other things. My sleep has drastically improved; I have gained about 15lbs of about a needed 10 and am now focusing on sugar to re-lose that 5ish. I have so much more energy and am re-engaged in LIVING (my first couple of months especially were focused on my health issues bc so serious, along with developing my recovery program through AA and psych care).
How is he eating? Is he - honestly- not drinking? Sleep? Other forms of self-care?
When I read your post, my first thought was that 8mos is a long time to see NO improvement, or even regression; my second thought was that you need to take care of you. How is your state re the above questions?
I am sorry you are going through this- you do sound aware enough to take action to get well yourself, perhaps including work to create real distance between you two. I wish you the best.
Re health- I have heard many stories, and am experiencing a return to health. It involves a lot of things for me (and from what I have heard and read about others' experience). This is a great article on PAWS (which can exhibit for months, a year, a while!) - https://digital-dharma.net/post-acut...r-immediately/
My experience has been a return to health with a lot of work - eating to repair my body, dr supervision and help w meds, sleep, now getting into exercise (I am at 101 days). I had severe liver damage among other things and that has vastly improved along with my platelet count and other things. My sleep has drastically improved; I have gained about 15lbs of about a needed 10 and am now focusing on sugar to re-lose that 5ish. I have so much more energy and am re-engaged in LIVING (my first couple of months especially were focused on my health issues bc so serious, along with developing my recovery program through AA and psych care).
How is he eating? Is he - honestly- not drinking? Sleep? Other forms of self-care?
When I read your post, my first thought was that 8mos is a long time to see NO improvement, or even regression; my second thought was that you need to take care of you. How is your state re the above questions?
I am sorry you are going through this- you do sound aware enough to take action to get well yourself, perhaps including work to create real distance between you two. I wish you the best.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 9,004
Welcome to SR Juliet! I am glad you found us.
I second what the others have said: try Alanon, take care of yourself and educated yourself about being in a relationship with an alcoholic. You also might look for the book Codependent No More .
For most of us here, it is really hard to change the focus from the alcoholic to ourselves but it is absolutely essential if you want things to get better.
I second what the others have said: try Alanon, take care of yourself and educated yourself about being in a relationship with an alcoholic. You also might look for the book Codependent No More .
For most of us here, it is really hard to change the focus from the alcoholic to ourselves but it is absolutely essential if you want things to get better.
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
HI Juliet...glad you are here!
So he says the doc says he is ok, so that means he is seeing a doctor? Have you sat down with him and expressed your concern to him?
No one here can advise you medically, but the best thing you could do is TAKE GOOD CARE OF YOU, and encourage him to see a doc for a full workup.
Many hugs to you!
So he says the doc says he is ok, so that means he is seeing a doctor? Have you sat down with him and expressed your concern to him?
No one here can advise you medically, but the best thing you could do is TAKE GOOD CARE OF YOU, and encourage him to see a doc for a full workup.
Many hugs to you!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
The sun comes out when you step out from underneath the umbrella you’ve wrapped yourself in with the alcoholic. You are 2 separate people living 2 separate lives there is no reason why you need to feel the physically and emotional issues along with the alcoholic. He has his issues and you have yours to deal with as individuals.
As suggested, al-anon, therapy and working on codependent issues will be a great benefit for you.
What I have witnessed with alcoholism is that the drinking is a symptom of a much deeper issue and until those deep rooted issues are addressed not much is going to change for the alcoholic except not consuming alcohol at the moment.
As suggested, al-anon, therapy and working on codependent issues will be a great benefit for you.
What I have witnessed with alcoholism is that the drinking is a symptom of a much deeper issue and until those deep rooted issues are addressed not much is going to change for the alcoholic except not consuming alcohol at the moment.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2016
Posts: 4
August, thanks for the article on PAWS and congrats on your continued return to health. With the severe liver damage, did you have excessive weight loss? I'm so glad to hear that it was reversible.
I'm worried that 8 months is considered a long time without physical improvements. He is eating healthy, gradually working back into exercise, seeing a doctor for blood work, test, etc... Based on what he says, the doc says he's doing fine. I keep thinking that maybe he should see another doc, because I don't understand the weight loss which he hasn't gained back. He's keeping a positive attitude. He is struggling with insomnia though.
Atalose, I see what you are saying about being 2 different people and dealing separately with our stuff. However, now that he has stopped the drinking, he is wanting us to come back together, get closer. In other words, his stuff will completely blend with me and his stuff will also be my stuff. This adds stress to me, as I don't know when the time is right or if it will ever be. He is 8 months sober, but his health and life are not where I feel they should be for us to come together to become a healthy couple. If we come back together as things are now, I will become more worried, more involved and we will become more as one - not two.
It's hard because he's a good guy, my ex and closest friend. Naturally, he doesn't just want to just be friends. It's hard to explain to him my point of view, although I've tried. If I were strong enough to take all this on, I probably would, but I'm now getting sick all the time, like my immunity is shot and I've over stressed myself emotionally, causing lots of fatigue. Unfortunately, I now have to be more gentle with my health than I used to be. Seems like I get sick every time the wind blows.
I'm worried that 8 months is considered a long time without physical improvements. He is eating healthy, gradually working back into exercise, seeing a doctor for blood work, test, etc... Based on what he says, the doc says he's doing fine. I keep thinking that maybe he should see another doc, because I don't understand the weight loss which he hasn't gained back. He's keeping a positive attitude. He is struggling with insomnia though.
Atalose, I see what you are saying about being 2 different people and dealing separately with our stuff. However, now that he has stopped the drinking, he is wanting us to come back together, get closer. In other words, his stuff will completely blend with me and his stuff will also be my stuff. This adds stress to me, as I don't know when the time is right or if it will ever be. He is 8 months sober, but his health and life are not where I feel they should be for us to come together to become a healthy couple. If we come back together as things are now, I will become more worried, more involved and we will become more as one - not two.
It's hard because he's a good guy, my ex and closest friend. Naturally, he doesn't just want to just be friends. It's hard to explain to him my point of view, although I've tried. If I were strong enough to take all this on, I probably would, but I'm now getting sick all the time, like my immunity is shot and I've over stressed myself emotionally, causing lots of fatigue. Unfortunately, I now have to be more gentle with my health than I used to be. Seems like I get sick every time the wind blows.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
Originally Posted by juliet2331 
In other words, his stuff will completely blend with me and his stuff will also be my stuff. If we come back together as things are now, I will become more worried, more involved and we will become more as one - not two.
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Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
Has he actually said that's what he wants, or are you guessing that's what he wants? Whatever. Enmeshment is no recipe for a healthy relationship, especially with at least one of you having addictive tendencies and not actually choosing to work on recovery. Alcoholics tend to be very all or nothing in their relationships, and can swing one way or another depending on what they want out of it at any given time. They also have idealised views of how a partner should be (which are usually completely unrealistic and childish ) and will act out when they feel their partner has been a little too human and has 'let them down'. They can live life like its a movie that theyre the star of, or a rock ballad all about a hero (them). To be enmeshed with an alcoholic (or anyone) really should be resisted . He is him. You are you. He's responsible for himself. You're responsible for yourself. It doesn't need to get any more complicated than that really.
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
If I were strong enough to take all this on, I probably would, but I'm now getting sick all the time, like my immunity is shot and I've over stressed myself emotionally, causing lots of fatigue
A relationship cannot grow, thrive when each individual lose their ability to get their own needs met. Enmeshed relationship leave a legacy of heartache and manipulation, not healthy at all.
Each of you NEED to become healthy (mentally, emotionally and physically) before revisiting and repeating your past relationship.
Sure he stopped consuming alcohol but what else has he done to make himself better and worthy of having you come back into his life. What have you done for yourself to make you worthy of coming back into a relationship with him?
If your gut is already telling you NOT to and that something doesn’t feel right, listen to that little voice and don’t jump right back into the relationship and pick up where it ended.
The alcoholic isn’t the only one who can relapse, we codies do as well and usually the results are just like that of an addict/alcoholic………..it gets worse each and every time making it harder and harder to recover.
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
When my X would stop drinking he dropped weight. It was excess weight/bloat from drinking. Now that he is drinking heavily on a regular basis again, he has blown back up. Just thought I would mention that observation.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
for many reasons, often when a spouse/partner finally DOES get sober, it just ain't all sunshine and roses as the other spouse dreamed or hoped. sobriety doesn't automatically FIX everything - in fact it fixes exactly ONE thing - drunkenness.
however this can uncover a host of other problems that were heretofore BLAMED on drinking. turns out some are jerks, drunk or sober. some are mean, drunk or sober. irrational, irresponsible, immature......the list goes on.
there was a day when you hoped and prayed - if he would JUST quit drinking!!!!!!
he has now done that, for 8 months. and yet you find there are reasons why that is NOT ENOUGH. you think he should be gaining more weight. that he isn't recovering FAST enough. you also think that maybe he needs a new doctor......
those could be seen as you STILL trying to control HIS outcomes. more things on YOUR list that need to checked off.
It IS what it IS.
what concerns me is that your HEALTH is failing and yet you remain focused on HIM. you are less IN you and more IN him. it's time to get back in your own hula hoop. get yourself to the doctor, get a full work up and then initiate a plan to reclaim your own glowing health. let him work on him. don't feel pressured to commit to ANYTHING except your own recovery. and work that recovery with the zest and zeal you wish HE would.
however this can uncover a host of other problems that were heretofore BLAMED on drinking. turns out some are jerks, drunk or sober. some are mean, drunk or sober. irrational, irresponsible, immature......the list goes on.
there was a day when you hoped and prayed - if he would JUST quit drinking!!!!!!
he has now done that, for 8 months. and yet you find there are reasons why that is NOT ENOUGH. you think he should be gaining more weight. that he isn't recovering FAST enough. you also think that maybe he needs a new doctor......
those could be seen as you STILL trying to control HIS outcomes. more things on YOUR list that need to checked off.
It IS what it IS.
what concerns me is that your HEALTH is failing and yet you remain focused on HIM. you are less IN you and more IN him. it's time to get back in your own hula hoop. get yourself to the doctor, get a full work up and then initiate a plan to reclaim your own glowing health. let him work on him. don't feel pressured to commit to ANYTHING except your own recovery. and work that recovery with the zest and zeal you wish HE would.
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