LeeJane

Well as the title says, my husband went back to drinking today. He had nearly a year sober.

I am ok. Working my Al-anon program. Him saying he was going back out had no effect on me at all. I just calmly listened.

He is just doing what alcoholics do. It is not personal to me.

I thank God for Al-anon. A few years ago this would have floored me. I would have felt responsible. I know I did not Cause his drinking, can't Control it and can't Cure it.

I have nearly 6 years sober, I am very grateful for that.

Glad this board is here.

Liveitwell

Good for you!!! How are YOU going to celebrate your detachment?!

LeeJane

Thank you very much. I am feeling good. I do plan to go into town tomorrow. I fancy getting a new handbag! That could be my celebration gift to myself!

LexieCat

I'm so sorry to hear he's decided to do more "experimentation" but happy for your sobriety and your Al-Anon recovery--both of those will serve you well at this time.

I hope you will protect your own precious sobriety at all costs--it's the very best place to be when a crisis of any kind hits.

LeeJane

Thanks, Lexie Cat. I hear you. My priority is my own sobriety as it always is. I look after myself well. High standard of self care.

It wasn't a surprise AH picked up again. He hadn't worked any program or made any of the vital attitude changes we need to make to move forward in recovery.

firebolt

You sound AMAZING in a less than idea situation. Doing the next right things are paying off for you, and it shows! Thanks for sharing, and for the inspiration!

LeeJane

Thank you, Firebolt. It is all down to the life changing Al-anon program.

I have strong boundaries in place for when he does drink. Eg, not in same room as me. I have busy and active life of my own so I just get on with it.

forlucyslove

Thank you for this post. I want so badly to be that strong. My crack addict husband doesn't see any issues with his deceitful addiction. This week it finally hit me like a brick that this is not going to stop. Six long years I convinced myself that he would see how this devastated me and destroyed our once loving relationship. Today, I literally was scared of the way I was feeling. Like I'm broken. I have to say this tortured and empty feeling is not what I deserve after fighting my own addictions and staying sober for six years. But, addiction doesn't care what I deserve. It's time to quit whining and deal with reality of the situation. So, again I thank you for your words of wisdom.

LeeJane

Sorry you are in this situation. Yes, truth is love doesn't stop addicts from drinking/using. Recovery is possible but it has to be from within the addict themselves, I am talking first hand experience here. When I quit daily drinking, it was for me and me alone. Other people benefiting were a happy bonus.

I was so enmeshed with AH, it was sucking the life from me.

I am a separate person now. I urge you to seek help. I was blessed with Al-anon, also attended Adult Child of Alkies for intense work, as well as online support.

You can be your own self again. You are worth it.

honeypig

So sorry your husband is drinking again, Lee Jane, but so glad you have your own solid recovery to keep your feet on the ground.

Eauchiche

Dear LeeJane
Congratulations on your clarity at a time like this. You would have to possess great internal strength to be able to live with this guy and remain sober.

So sorry for what brings you here. Keep coming back!

LeeJane

Thank you, HoneyPig. He is actually easier to live with when he drinks than when he is a dry drunk.

I am enjoying my sobriety very much.

LeeJane

Thank you Eauchiche, I appreciate you saying I have strength.

When I first quit it was harder as there was loads of alcohol in our home as well as husband drinking. So I had to really toughen up to resist reaching out and picking it up. But I am grateful for this as I feel it has made me and my quit stronger.

Usually a quitter would get rid of all booze from their home, I wasn't able to do that, of course.

I am enjoying life.

LeeJane

Wanted to post an update. So AH back into his daily drinking now for a couple weeks.

As this post is about me not him, I want to write how it has affected me. (I am a Al-anoner)

So at first, there was disruption and fuss. I stepped away from this. He wanted me to listen to him justify and rationalise him returning to drinking. I am obviously detached and will not get involved with wasting my time with that. He tried to bait fights too, again to justify his picking up. I took no notice.

He was also looking for me to make him feel it was ok to drink again. I didn't get involved in that either. I also stayed well clear the rapid mood swings he went through. Seeking to blame someone (me most likely!) for his decision to drink.

I am actually very pleased with how I have handled all this. Totally left it all on his shoulders and went about my own business. Didn't cancel or change my usual routine because of his drinking.

In himself now he is calm and his brain checked out and wrapped in his cotton wool world of denial. In a nutshell he is back to where he was before he did his 10ish month quit.

Been a big journey for me. I have grown in self esteem and confidence over the past couple weeks.

elihoping

LeeJane, even though you're writing about difficult things, your posts are leaving me with a smile on my face. How you're handling this is really inspirational. I've been in AA and sober for 3.5 years and I'm now starting to look at al-anon and ACOA. I'm not in a romantic relationship with an alcoholic but I grew up with alcoholic parents and the longer I'm sober, the more I see what effect their drinking had and continues to have on me. I've been dragging my heels about joining al-anon. Part of me thinks "oh god, not more meetings!" but your posts have really made me see the benefits of working the al-anon program. Sorry to make this all about me but I just wanted to thank you for what you've written!

LeeJane

Thank you. I do in a strange way feel grateful for all this happening. Has allowed me to learn, change and address my past.

I thoroughly recommend ACOA and Al-anon. I do Al-anon as my main ongoing program but benefited greatly from a few months of ACOA. Dad was an active A, mum was dry (and very angry) A. They couldn't teach me what they didn't know. All grandparents were A's.

Wishing you well.

LexieCat

Glad to hear you are staying on an even keel! I remember how upsetting it was for me when my husband went back to drinking. Keep looking out for yourself and make sure you are living the life you want for yourself.

LeeJane

Many thanks.

I sat down and wrote a list of what I like to do and how I like my daily routine to be.

This was to check that AH's drinking didn't interfere or stop me doing what I would do if he wasn't here. It doesn't.

I knew it was only a matter of time until he would go back to drinking as he wasn't working any program. He was white knuckling the whole time. So was a relief to both of us when he returned to it.

LexieCat

Good to hear. Just remember that alcoholism is progressive, and the time may come where things change. I won't project my own feelings onto you, but it became very depressing for me to watch someone I cared about literally drinking himself to death. Just keep checking in with yourself, and there's no dishonor or failure if you decide you don't want to spend the rest of your life living with an active drunk.

OTOH, having been sober for a good stretch, maybe he'll decide to end the "experiment" before too long. We can hope so.

Hugs,

FeelingGreat

LJ, just wondering, does his drinking affect other aspects of your marriage, like finances, or his ability to hold down a job?

Also, do you see detachment as a long term strategy? What if he goes on drinking for a long time? Will you decide to break your partnership? Detachment is working for you now, but it can also mean a sterile marriage with no real love or closeness.