Erod

My Bf once fiancée is intake program for the uptenth time. I believe this time he's totally serious. I feel bad for what's he's going through yet he's said some things that really hurt and then or course renegs on it I myself am trying to stay in OTAT moment but it's so hard When he tells you no matter what happens he will NOT be coming back to live with me ever. Then the next he's saying I love you and lets just take one day at a time. I know by the time I'm done I'll have answered my own Questions or made myself feel more in reality mode but I do have to say the thought of losing him after I've invested 6 years with him scares me to death. I'm trying not to go on a pity pot and give him all the space in the world but he's said so MANY things I want answer to and NOW!! BUT I also know that would be very, very harmful to his sobriety right now and t's hard to find the strength to not say anything. He says he's loving the program but I can tell the pick cloud is really high up there. I'm not looking for ----responses lie... Well some people get divorced etc..... I'm looking for people to help me gets past all that he's saying. I feel like I'm walking around with a broken heart yet I'm the person that prayed each and every day that God Give him the gift of desperation. I'm so afraid I'm going to lose him. I know how mentally sick he's is right now but throughout our years together and months when he was sober we do get along like two peas in a pod. He's my soul mate with a huge problem. My growth is here and he's just begun. What are things I should say and not say when we talk. It seems he's keeping things so casual with me I feel like he's going to just pop out and say we're done/ over the end. I know he's so confused even though he's says he's never felt so all together and Z know that's where the pink cloud comes in. He's feeling really powerful right now Being out on his own in an inpatient program. Please pray I can keep my mind about me and not ask him a millins questions because I feel like I'm standing on a ledge. TIA E rod.

NOTE: I have 26 years sobriety. I'm putting this in as I know it changes the dynamics and I've been on both sides of the fence.

Bekindalways

Wow Erod, this sounds really painful!

Unfortunately there is nothing that you can say that will change the situation. I too used to agonize about what I would say; however I had no control over my qualifier's addiction. The only thing I could control was taking care of myself by figuring out my needs and boundaries. It was indeed excruciating.

It sounds like you are one of the "double-winners" i.e. alcoholic and codependent. Are you going to Alanon? Also Melody Beattie's book Codependent No More is a good read; the author is also a "double winner".

Please do everything you can to take care of yourself: eat well, get exercise, and find good folks to spend time with.

I am so sorry that you are going through this and send you big, big hugs!!

dandylion

Erod....from where I sit---the only thing that I can say to you is to advise that you detach...detach...detach.....and work like hell on yourself and y our own life.....

As a recovering alcoholic...you realize, I am sure, that he is fighting a huge battle inside his own head....battling with himself.....
In about a year from now, you will have a much better idea of where he is at, in term of the relationship, by just watching his actions and attitudes.....

the fact that you want answers "NOW" and are afraid of the future....as painful as this IS....this is all on your side of the street....

In time...all things will be revealed.

***I do recommend the reading of "C0-dependent No More"......as, you might find a lot that will resonate with you.....

dandylion

Erod

I hear you both loud and clear. Because I do realize I don't take care of myself because I'm so overwhelmed with my Home I bought ten years ago alone and feel like I don't have life except work and worry about my bills and how to make money to survive and I CAN honestly say (all because of my recovery and I can be honest) I do get envious when he tells me the program he's in Took them t the movies or to park etc while for 6 years I took care for you while you worked then lost jobs worked and lost jobs etc.... I'm paying the price with NO extra money fro myself. I know it may seem there's a resentment there, there is not I take Full responsibility of letting it get to far but as you all know I thought I was helping our relationship. So I just keep praying this all works out and he still wants me in the end. as for books I have many on C0-dependency and the truth be known I just can't find the time. I know about making time.... but I'm 3 weeks behind on my mortgage and priorities set in like having yard sales and putting stuff on craigslist and going to school to better my career and I have a real decent job for 29 years but my pay just isn't cutting it. It's so hard to let go and wonder will he find his way back to me. I also know god has a plan and maybe I won't be feeling the same in a few years who knows only my higher power does. I feel better when I come here and read and take advise because deep down inside I know I have to let go let God but sometimes when your hear is so involved it just isn't easy. Thanks so much for the hugs and words. I'll take more if anyone want to post. Excepting What will be Will be is so very hard sometimes.

dandylion

Erod...I totally get it...how hard it is when you are fighting just for basic survival.....

Yikes...sometimes, home ownership can be overwhelming .....when the home begins to own us....rather that us owning the home. A house should be our oasis from the world and a place of peace and security....not our jailor.....sigh.....

dandylion

Erod

Thanks Dandy. I bought it as one of my long terms goals in sobriety and I would be abl to handle it if my bills didn't go up with him here and of course Our wonderful government. also for me no economy raise for the past 5 years.

I also wanted to add about my feelings here. It's just so odd to feel like 6 years with a man goes down the drain in 6 WEEKs. We all know just dealing with an alcoholic is stressful but I think dealing with them sober and on the pink cloud is worse. In six weeks he's gone from Yelling at me (of course the blame game) how he wants his OWN life and get things like I got when I got sober to telling me I still love you. Very exhausting not to mention I'm human and many tears this time out. It hurts to think I helped Plant the Seed so to speak and I may be the one left in the ditch because he feels as though I'm more advance then him. O.K. see writing this is making me upset and my eye's filing up. I know I should be thankful I could help him because deep inside I really know he's a good man. but my crazy thinking during this hurtful time is someone gets the prize. I know I shouldn't even be projecting but I am gong through this difficult time because the things he said were so Unexpected and I'm trying SO VERY hard to Remember the Pink cloud and how he all of sudden Feels ALL in control of HIS life. I feel so heartbroken I I had to stay our work today just to get myself on balance again.

dandylion

Erod.....if you read through the thousands of stories, here.....you will see that what you are feeling is a very, very common experience......
There is no avoiding feeling what you feel.....
I am just glad that you are able to say it out loud......

this will not kill you...though I know, full well, that it does feel like it, right now.....

Serenity prayer....

dandylion

biminiblue

wow. You are really spinning.

The thing with the house...focus on that. Find a way to pay your bills, whether it's taking a roommate or refinancing or getting a second job, or cutting out unnecessary expenses.

Relying on a newly recovering alcoholic for money is just adding to the misery. He's going to be all over the place, and you're already all over the place yourself.

Focus on keeping a roof over your own head without help from him.

Erod

Dandy thank you so much.

Biminiblue funny you said refinancing I was looking into that last night since he's away in program to try and get back on my feet. that was the problem he always had good intentions but never made it past a 2 months of work and I did just that concentrate on keeping the roof over 'both' our heads. I keep praying that I will wake-up tomorrow and feel different. I'm just to over whelmed to push through this right now. I feel somewhat depressed at all this. I can still hear it echoing in my head I will never move back in with you again. yet a day later I love you lets take this one day at time but GUT tells me he's trying to let me down easy now. What's funny is what he's looking at is living in Government housing and settle in there NOW for ma in recovery I think it's just another crutch for him. I don't call using the government Yet again (was in the army) as a way of getting your life together. Since he's been there he hasn't once mentioned getting his life back together with his parents or son It's till all about him and his freedom of responsibility. Seems he's always looking for the free ride and to me how can you feel GOOD about yourself when you want to live out your life In homeless government run community. so I try not to take his inventory and keep all to myself ( I really do I'm just sharing it here) and think What's his real intentions. I sometimes think they set him in about 6 months from now and he will sneak drinking. Now do they throw them out once that happens I have no idea.

Praying

You mentioned something earlier about worrying that if he leaves you'll have wasted 6 years on him...then I read this part too...and how he hasn't contributed to your life much, but has taken from it...and seems like he may have different underlying values than you do....

Might be good in your head to sort out--if you were starting from scratch today seeking a relationship, with no prior time invested, would it be with him?

I only ask because I think your brain and heart may have different answers.

I work in math and economics--one thing we often talk about is "sunk costs". Those are costs that, when evaluating whether to continue a project, you sort of ignore. It hurts to do so, but they're already spent and you can't get them back regardless of what you choose going forward. I view your last 6 years as "sunk costs", not worthy of basing future decisions on. (In my private life, my BRAIN can think through this, but my HEART doesn't always follow...)

Sometimes we focus so much on holding on to something we're afraid to lose, that we forget to analyze whether or not we would honestly want it.

Hugs to you, and congratulations on your sobriety!

Erod

I hear you load and clear. I want the man that has had some time in our relationship sober. I swear I'm not over exaggerate, we get along so well. When the bottle comes into play obviously we are not the same. the bottom line is,.. Deep inside I know he has a lot of growth if he does stay sober and with that as he works on him... I'm going to loose the one person I truly felt happy with (when he was sober).

Bekindalways

Irk Erod, I hear you on the time/money dance that keeps you from doing the things you need to do to get healthy. Some folks find they have more time once the alcoholic is no longer taking up so much time but this doesn't sound like you.

Is there any tiny tiny action you can take to make yourself more happy? Or is there someone you can turn to for more support?

Be tough lady and keep posting!

Erod

It's funny you say that because one of his grips was the house. It's clean but a bit congested. Now I see this as his way of blame. But I didn't while he was tearing my head off before the I love you. I said answered why didn't you ever help me. When he went into rehab that was something I said I'd be doing while he took care of himself. You see, I Was selling on Craigslists to keep the roof over OUR heads so only one room initially got shut off and of course things around the house I planned on putting up. It funny I'm so glad I posted here and I hope each time I respond it helps me see his angry is at the one he loves the most they say. I have to let go of his words they just hurt so much. I'm projecting and god knows as a recovering alcoholic myself that not good but my mind keeps repeating what if he Does do it this time and I get pushed to the curb. I don't know the ache is still very deep in heart and I'm truly trying I swear I am. I even mowed the lawn today.

CodeJob

Hello Erod,

ReConsider taking the time to read Codependent No More.

You have made decisions and rather than reassessing, you sound like you are digging in. Consider working with a counselor to help you work through sticking points in your life. From your posts, it sounds like several parts of your life aren't really working for you and are stressful. Does your job have an EAP? you might have free counseling via work.

Take care of you.

Erod

You are correct. I'm so over whelmed trying to keep up with bills my home working going to school one night a week and a house with Stuff in it. I so want to get rid of things but it's a way to make money on CLS so I just have to keep going forward with that until the economy turns around. Of course i'm not the only one in the world with such problems. lol ************************************************** ************************************************** ************************************************** ******************
I like to say a personal Thank You to all who have responded today. I have a book on Co-dependency I just took it our of books I plan on selling it would be funny if it's the book all of you are talking about. I will promise you all to find it and try and read it some of it between all the other things in my life. I'll let you all know if it's the same name. I buy books sometimes years before I can even the time to read them. I'll let you all know tomorrow if its the same one. Thank you all again and I promise to visit here more often

Erod

Well here I go again. Tonight he's telling all about getting housing where he is maybe going to school. I keep reminding myself it sounds like the PINK cloud for sure. Projecting some may say then he says It's all one day at a time. As he's saying these things like he does'nt plan on coming back any time to soon I'm getting a choked up but holding back. Then he tells me What weekend he'd be able to visit. With all my years of sobriety I swear to God this is the first time staying in the ODAT is hard. I don't not want to talk to him but hearing things that sound like He's never coming back to the state scares me so much. I come here in (and this honest ) for support and hugs. He was telling how the state will give him 2,300 to LIVE on while he goes to school. (my inside thoughts were there he goes again how can I get Free money) So I'm still holding back the tears and he says are you there I said yes but it was quite noticable I had lump in my throat. He then says you should be Happy for me. with 26 years sobriety. I couldn't help myself. Yes I am, I'm just afraid my last five years were wasted and I hoped you taking care of you would benefit US. Then here he goes again. ODAT, ODAT. he says twice. I feel as though I played a big part in him coming to terms with his decease and he never admits that. IDON"T want kudos I truly don't but this feeling like he's pushing me to the curb is killing me. I love this man so much it hurts really bad. I keep singing in my head "What will be will be the futures not ours to see Kay sara sara" Even singing that hurts because I don't want us to split. When we talked about him coming on weekend passes I mentioned I could always pick him up to save for him to save a few bucks (yes this state gives veterans money, I think how dumb when they are in a program to stay sober This is one thing I disagree with when your already giving them a roof and 3 meals and snacks and help)) Anyways he first says you can come and visit if you want then He immediately says no I'll come to you I want you up here. I'm telling this is all getting to so hard. I need to bank MYSELF over the head with a bat that say PINK CLOUD, PINK CLOUD """""PINK CLOUD" Excuse my words I don's talk lie this in real life but he's acting like he's got the world by the balls. I'm trying hard to play happy for him but still the thought of us never really getting back together is Killing me. I swear I've been crying everyday for four days now. The only good thing about it is I am sleeping good once I stop crying because the stress is so crazy. I'm going to look up that book and get. I also feel I've to ready available all the time and if he needs t run his life there then I need to have a life here but I don't how NOT to answer the phone when he's ready to talk to me. I don't want to turn my back on him but maybe every once in while not be s available to him when he needs me. The other day I mowed the lawn and he was supportive but I could hear in his voice a little shatter when he asked you got it to start. I think I was a good thing, Heck it's my house and I still have to take care of it with or without him. I did say Not mowed the way you do it though. Boy am I rambling like a NUT!!! You gals saved me the other day to get through it and I hope more input comes. Today I walked in he park on my lunch to try and take care of me. I did mention to him very nicely that this isn't easy on me I'm dealer with working Al Anon and AA. Like someone here said the double wam-my. I keep projecting and I don't how to get it OUT OF MY head. I keep what if I lose him. I know I know----No one knows that and ODAT. I just feel devastated at the things he keeps saying. I've even thought about just not answering at times and if he texts asking why just saying I wasn't up to talking. Well Good night to all I hope I can read some responses tomorrow to help me move through this.

Bekindalways

Hey Erod, big big hug to you beautiful lady. Yep, this stuff is beyond painful.

When I left my XABF, I felt like I was doing open heart surgery on myself without anesthesia. I honestly thought people died before they felt that much pain. No matter what happens, you will not hurt like this forever.

Kudos on getting a walk in today. Even if all you can do for yourself is drink an extra glass of water, do it.

AnvilheadII

I don't want to turn my back on him but maybe every once in while not be s available to him when he needs me.

out of all you have posted here, THIS really jumped out at me.

WHEN HE NEEDS ME. i wonder if that hasn't been the THEME of your entire relationship? you the sober one, you the caretaker, you the homeowner taking care of HIS needs when he can't hold down a job or stay sober.

and now that HE is making an effort to BE sober, and to finally take some responsibility, you are left bereft and confused. as if you had just been FIRED.

he is going to do what he is going to do. however YOU don't have to sit and wait for HIM to decide YOUR life.

Ariesagain

Sending you a hug.

In six years he's only kept any job for two months?

Now that he's in treatment, all he talks about are his plans and his needs?

You've been running around killing yourself to keep everything afloat for all these years all by yourself?

Honey, I know he can be charming and loving and say all the right things. It's what addicts do. But what's really happening is that he's exploiting you terribly. And stress kills people, it really does, and you are so terribly stressed I feel sick for you.

Can you sell the house?

Can you try to visualize a life where you aren't stretched to the limit by an addict?

He's being cared for...can you try to take better care of you?

P.S. When do you get angry? Would you stand by and let a dear friend be treated the way you are? You have every right to be furious, you know.

dandylion

Erod.....I suspect that you are grieving....thus the crying.....cry ing for the loss of the relationship as you have known it..and, for the possible loss of the "dream" you had planned on and invested in......

I am always preaching that I think that the alcoholic should l ive the first year away from family and loved ones.....
It takes that l ong for them to get their s**t together and to start thinking straight...AND, it takes the loved ones that long to start to get their minds clear, also!!

I agree with you that it would be good not to be so available for every time he rings....the more time spent on your self and your needs and responsibilities, the less time you will have to jump every time he barks....

dandylion