Liveitwell

We discussed Matthew 15:18 and Luke 6:45 in church bible study recently and it definitely helped me understand my ex more. To me, all addictions and abuse are a heart/spiritual issue. The words that come out of your mouth are a reflection of what is in your heart. So, if someone calls you a name while drunk, or lies, or acts in a horrible way, it's not you to blame-it's their heart that is the problem.

I thought this was great to pass on to us Codie's and also apply it to our alcoholic partners/exs.

"Make sure that your actions and behaviors live up to and reflect the words, ideas, promises and commitments that come out of your mouth".

Anyway, just thought it was interesting so passing it on!

schnappi99

Some addictions are heart/spiritual, some are not. Not everyone who drinks becomes an addict, but some are with the first drink. Everyone who repeatedly uses heroin, crack etc quickly becomes one. Lots of addicts say the drug gave them the "fix" so they could live comfortably in the world until it stopped working, but they couldn't stop using & words & people turned into tools to get more of the drug.

firebolt

Yeah, dang - I said some pretty vile things to my x, to his face, under my breath, and while spiraling alone and in my head. Indeed - my heart was very, very sick.

Sad days - and I see myself slip back from time to time. Hopefully the ability to even see it in myself is an indicator of a heart on the mend

I like both of these verses - thank you!

uncorked

[QUOTE=Forourgirls;5953975]So, if someone calls you a name while drunk, or lies, or acts in a horrible way, it's not you to blame-it's their heart that is the problem. /QUOTE]

Hmmm. Not sure I agree with that. Certainly, some of the things I might have said while under the influence were not truly in my heart. I think a person's reaction to alcohol is the problem. It makes some people loud, some people happy, and some people angry -- among many other things. My ex didn't drink much but when he did, he was a lot more chill and easier to be around. Some have the opposite reaction.

Liveitwell

^ my point was that it's a heart issue (trauma, loss, dysfunction, fear, etc) that causes the majority of acting out and name calling and abuse-I was not excusing it or saying that the other person was at fault or that the addict did or did not mean what they said. I was simply stating, in a different way, guided by my faith, that in the heart lies good and bad-and what comes out of your mouth is guided by what's in your heart....and for those of us that have spoken this way and have been spoken to this way, just a reminder that what comes out of someone's mouth spewed toward you has nothing to do with you, and everything to do with the state of their heart. That's all.

People don't react badly to alcohol....alcohol brings out what's already there....the guy who chills when he's drunk is just that, chill....but alcohol doesn't make someone violent-that's already there....alcohol just let's it out...

Mountainmanbob

Say what we mean and mean what we say
and it had better be nice.

Self control is a virtue.

We should never be mean or say hurtful things to our mates.
Or talk in a negative way to others regarding our mates.
The tongue has started many fires.
Like the rudder of a ship -- it controls our direction.

Bob

uncorked

Actually, "chill" would be the last thing I would use to describe my ex. He is/was very controlling, anal and a name caller. But when he had a beer or two, he became a lot nicer. Is he "nice" in his heart? I don't think so. He cheated, lied, was verbally/physically abusive, didn't have my back when his daughters were disrespectful to me -- I could go on. And that's while sober.

I agree that alcohol doesn't really "make" someone a certain way. I reacted angrily because I held in my resentment for the way my ex treated me. When I drank, sometimes it came out. That's the only way I could express my frustration and hurt feelings. I felt powerless.

I do believe that whatever your boyfriend is ranting and raving about has nothing to do with you and everything to do with him. Like you said, it's probably about past trauma, childhood, who knows...

Liveitwell

^ yeah, he's my ex husband so it's safe to say there were plenty of issues. my ex was only loving after a few drinks, too....but drunk he was a maniac. He was always looking forward to drinking.

I was just posting as a reminder of sorts.

Thumpalumpacus

I have said awful things to folks in my drunkenness. I don't think it was alcohol talking. I think it was alcohol removing the barriers I myself had erected to hide this dark little side of myself.

This is why I think sobriety and recovery are two very different things. Sobriety addresses my alcohol intake. Recovery addresses the personal attitudes I hold that are corrosive to myself and those I love.

Liveitwell

Thump-spot on, man. Thank you for your words!

Thumpalumpacus

Even a broken clock is right a couple times a day, ma'am.