WHYOWHY

Hi - Were do I start & how much time do y'all have........
My AH is promising to "Never drink again" for the 1,000.000 time.
Believe it or not ...part of me still thinks he might actually mean it.
I also KNOW that the chances are slim to none unless he gets some help.
I went to my first Al-Anon meeting last week & now am looking for other ways to "connect" with people who are going through similar circumstances.
Here is a brief history.
When I met my husband 14 years ago ...he was drinking (I don't drink & never have). I did not know how bad his drinking was ...but knew it was enough so that after a month together , I sat him down & explained that I did not want to have a serious relationship with a "drinker" and that if he was going to continue o get drunk on a frequent basis ....then we should go our seperate ways ,before things got long-term. He assured me that he did not want to drink & wanted to be with me for the "long haul".
He DID stop drinking and for about 8 years he remaind sober!
We moved to Maine about 5 years ago & that is when he began drinking again.
He actually hid it very well (or I am really stupid) and I did not catch on until about a year ago.
Then the cycle started...me searching & finding his cases of empty beer cans hidden everywhere, his lying about how much & how often he drank , his promises to quit ....etc.
I have tried the threats , the reasoning with him , the silent angry treatment, trying to make him feel guilty etc. etc.
Last week was the final straw for me & I REALIZED that I had 2 choices - STAY or GO . I want to stay......for many reasons.......but I also don't want to suffer like I am . We never go anywhere...do anything ....communicate ......etc. Everything seems to revolve around his drinking and not drinking.
I KNOW I HAVE TO WORK ON ME......but it is really hard not to focus on the "problem" he has & all the stuff that comes with it ....
Anyone out there who can relate ???????
Thanks for reading.

kiki

I can totally relate!!! I just got married. While my husband and I were dating he drank a lot but swore to me that he would quit after we "settled down" and got married. Before we started dating, I knew that he had been a big drinker in college and after, but he was getting older (he's now 30) so he convinced me he would grow up. Needless to say that it hasn't happened. He always promises that he'll quit, but it lasts a day or two at most! I always tell him that I don't want to be married to an alcoholic, but he knows that I love him too much to leave....It just makes me feel better knowing that there are other people in the same situation as me because it's pretty scary! It sounds like we both fall for it every time that they tell us they're going to quit. I'm not sure if this has helped at all, but I'm here if you need to vent!!

Peaches04

Hi whyowhy! I know the story - and I feel your pain. It sucks! I'm glad to hear you went to alanon - that will provide you with so many tools to deal with this. Honestly, my husband being an alcholic has provided me with an opportunity to really grow spiritually. As far as the 2 options to stay or go...when you get right down to it, you are right, I think. However, what I have learned to do and am still working on - is letting go of my anger, pain, hurt, etc.. and detaching!!! That is so key to everything. Once you 'detach' and understand that you can't fix him and that you didn't cause it - you will feel like a million ton weight has been lifted off your shoulders. Then you can rid your head of all the 'noise' and drama, and can focus on yourself and what you need to be happy. Then when and if, the time comes when you are ready to leave - you can do it in peace and with no guilt. I'm working on this and each day I lean toward leaving...but, the most important thing I've learned is that nothing has to be decided TODAY. I felt like I had to nip it in the bud, or do somehting drastic to get things going ... not so, take the time you need to heal yourself and then you can make the right decision. Hope this helps a little, anyway!

WHYOWHY

Thanks you guys (gals) for the speedy responses. I guess I really am not alone!
I have to be really honest here & say that I get mad when I think about ME working on MYSELF in order to change things. I mean..it just seems so much easier and fair .....for HIM to do some work (other than lifting the beer can up to his lying lips !!

Today , actually is my "lucky" day in what I have come to call the "3 day cycle)
Today is the "day after" . It is when he is sorry , apologetic , kind & "semi normal".
Tomorrow ..he will start getting a bit "grumpy & moody (but no drinking)
Day 3 .....it is as if he has had a lobotomy. All his promises are forgotten & its "party time" ...at least for him. Oh..I fogot to mention that he also has ADHD (ADULT HYPERACTIVE DISORDER) ......
This makes things extra "fun" because he acts like a crazy monkey drunk & sober.
It is hard enough to deal with the ADHD...but when he drinks ..he gets "weird" in a different way.
Sounds like a real "catch" don't he????
I feel SOOOOOO frustrated right now.....I HATE not being able to "FIX" him.....AHHHHHHHHHH
Thanks for letting me vent & I hope I made sense.......

Peaches04

I know whyowhy...my first thought (and it turns out it is quite common) - was why the hell do I have to go to all these meetings and crap, when he's the one with the problem...and I was angry about that. But, once I got on here (SR) and read the Codependent No More book - I realized that I was just as sick as he was. I realized all the manipulation to get him to stop I had been doing. I realized how I was stripping him of his dignity, by trying to make all his choice. I learned alot. I also learned that I am a great person... I learned that what I want is okay, and doesn't make me selfish or 'hard to please'. I learned that other people act and think differently than me - and that they are 'healthy'. I learned so much, and am eternally grateful. Look at it as a spiritual journey for you...don't say another word to him about his drinking until you read the Codependent No More book and some of these posts. I promise...it will be the best thing you ever did for YOURSELF!

WHYOWHY

I am not quite sure how to utilize this chat "thing" and am not sure what all the icons & options are for checking my replies & answering individual responses......
For now I will just keep "posting reply" until someone fills me in.....hope this is O.K.
THANKS for the tip on co-dependent no more book. I keep hearing about it and it is always praised & recommended........I'll go get me a copy.

BUT....right now I wish my husband would go out and buy a copy of a book titled " WHY AM I SUCH A SELFISH , SELF CENTERED HUSBAND ...WHO IS RUINING MY LIFE & THE LIFE OF MY WIFE & WHO NEEDS TO GET THE "FINGER OUT" AND GO TO AA" - written by that famous author of self help books for alchoholics .......me.
Just kidding....I am trying to lighten up my attitude right now & humor has always helped......
Thanks for reading

brightlight

Today is the day after for me too. He is sorry and going to quit. Tomorrow he goes back to work after having a two week vacation. I know he is going to be very grumpy and may have the lobectomy a day early. Know just how you feel.

Auriana

Today is day number 7 for my AH - I know the drunk/sober/so sorry/will never drink again saga all too well. So, yeah, I can relate! Read Codependent No More - I've been reading it and am taking in every word. I use to have the resentment of going to alanon meetings too and I was angry b/c HE had the problem, not me. One day I woke up and realized I had a problem too - being a codependent and enabling his drinking behavior. It's amazing how much their drinking affects us. You have to take care of you - I had heard this frequently but it only recently sank in. I have to put my feelings before my AH's. I have to take care of my feelings and my emotions b/c while my AH is drinking, I've been taking care of his feelings and his emotions and no one has been taking care of mine.

Know you are not alone!

btw, I gave my AH the book you mentioned "WHY AM I SUCH A SELFISH , SELF CENTERED HUSBAND ..." written by me, but he wasn't very receptive. May be you will have more luck with your AH... =)

speedyG

hi, please just give al anon at least 6 meetings. if you wish to just listen and not speek just pass. but keep an open mind, let your self obsorb what you hear. dont forget not every room is for every one. i had to go to 4 or five rooms befor i found the one i wanted to make my home. they all have something to give, but not all of them are for me.
if you have not heard it already he is SICK, it is not for a lack of will, or just cause he wants to. i once heard that if you know a person who has cancer, sugar, or m.s. you would have compasion for that person. you would treat them totaly different than you do your ah. the more i go to al anon the stronger i become.
i also had those same choises, at first i chose to leave him. but know i choose work realy hard to keep him. but i also am going to meeting to make my life better and to learn to live with serenity.
one of the best things i did for my self was to attend aa meeting with him at first. that gave me a lot of insight of how he feels, thinks, and reacts. that is were i learned to believe he is sick, and how he is powerles over alcahal. now i go by myself some times just to help me, and learn so in my own way i can help him.
remember you are powerless over alcahal, and that means you are powerless over him. if he choses to drink that is his choise, but you cant controle what he does only how you react to him.
i hope is was helpfull, and keep coming back it works if you work it.

cwohio

i too know all these feelings - ah is goign thru withdrawals after a 5 day binge. he's had seizures before so i am on pins and needles today. it sucks - my meeting is tonite - hope i can go without too much worry. i hate this axiety and need to let go and let God, but it's tough! hang in there and i will be hang too!

hugs - cwohio

Jen!

Wow, you weren't kidding. The hiding the beer thing must be something in their genes, I just don't get it. And yes, why do they always leave it for us to find, I always wonder that too! I too am an alcoholic, recovering, I have been through AA when I was a teen, and now drinking makes me sick. I do like a drink every now and then, but it's not something I do a lot of anymore. That was years ago. I have a daughter to think about. But I am a little glad I had to go through being an alcoholic, at least I know what my husband is going through, I don't think he will ever quit though. And he would never step foot into an AA meeting. His Grandfather died of lung complications from smoking and liver damage from drinking, his whole family is on mood medication, I picked a real winner.