Wldhrt13

My ex and I have been split up for about 8 months. He is an end-stage alcoholic. I helped him get into treatment, (he didn't want to go) he was living with his elderly parents. They said he couldn't return to their home after he got out. His first ex said their kids don't want to see or talk with him at this time, they are too hurt. I told him until he got enough sobriety he can't be in our daughters life bc he's been so inconsistent. Since discharge from the 30 day detox, he's disappeared off the planet. He made 1 phone call asking his mom to put his SSDI check in the bank.

He's totally off social media. His Parents haven't heard from him, His first ex hasn't heard, or his Business partner. It's like he's just gone.... Our child, just a toddler is left wondering what happened to daddy. I know in my heart he relapsed again. But he's never disappeared like this. anyone ever heard of this? Will he ever resurface to say goodbye to his children? Or will he die out there? This keeps me up at night. I wonder if he didn't suicide, he made a serious attempt a year ago. There is no closure not knowing if he's alive. What do you tell your child?

Kboys

I'm so sorry you're going through this! That is so heart breaking, especially with a child. Others will be along with better advice, but all I can say is just focus on you and your little one and keeping things as normal as you can for him or her.
Keep posting here! We're here for you.
Do you have family / friend support?

maia1234

W,
I am so sorry. Are you getting any support? Are u seeing a therapist or going to any alanon meetings. I know you are sick to death over him, but they say on a plane flight, put on your oxygen mask first. You need to take care of you and your child. Give him to God to watch over him, you are powerless.

Hugs my friend, we all feel your pain, and we care!!

Refiner

Wldhrt, I'm so sorry for what brings you here. Perhaps he hooked up with another at the 30 day facility and they're off doing their own thing, now -- and most likely not doing it sober. I'm sorry for the situation you find yourself in, but like maia said... you are powerless over it. Just take care of yourself and your little one the best you can.

Bekindalways

Welcome Wildhrt. I am so glad you found us and so sorry for the reasons which brought you here.

I would expect you are right and that he has relapsed. It doesn't sound like he is interested in sobriety; many alcoholics/addicts never become sober.

Please know that every moment you spend thinking about him is time you could have used working on your own recovery and caring for your child. For me detachment was a long time coming and I still have to work on it but I did get better.

Big hug to you and your little one.

Wldhrt13

Thanks Kboys, I have one good friend I talk with and she tells me to just try and move on as best I can. She doesn't really know what I should say to my child though. Thanks for the advise and encouragement!

Wldhrt13

Thanks maia, I have never been to Alanon meeting, I'm not sure what it's all about but I've been told by someone at the checkout while grocery shopping oddly enough to try it. I am trying to get into therapy but haven't been able to yet because I can't find childcare for during the session. Hopefully it will work out soon. Thanks again.

Wldhrt13

Bekindalway, I am just at the beginning of realizing I need recovery, how sad is that? But yep, at least I am realizing I am sick too. Better late than never I guess. Detachment, I have heard the term tossed about loosely by his AA sponsor here and again, it seems impossible. I think that's where I need to get to. I appreciate your reply so much.
Thank you.

Wldhrt13

Refiner, That idea had crossed my mind. Seems like I am powerless over so damn much....I hate this!! I feel so helpless. I hate that too. Thank you for the support.

Bekindalways

Yeah, for many of us it took a bit to realize we were part of the problem.

Human nature seems to tend towards blaming others. Alcoholics are more obviously causing problems than codependents but we add to the crap of the situation in many powerful and subtle ways.

I think some people tell their kids that the alcoholic parent is sick. I don't have kids so you might wait for someone with more experience to chime in here.

Hang tough their lady. No matter how much this sucks, you can get through it.

atalose

So sorry for what brings you here. It’s always that not-knowing that wreaks havoc on our thoughts. You found a good place with lots of experienced people who have lived life with an alcoholic. There is an expression around here and it’s…………..more will be revealed in time.

If his SSDI check comes at the beginning of each month time will reveal if he calls his mother again to deposit it. She should not deposit it until she actually does hears from him.

It’s hard right now to tell a toddler anything that they will actually understand, again more will be revealed in time and when the time is right you can talk with your child about his father.

I do hope you stick around and maybe you could work something out with your friend or mother in law on babysitting while you try and get to an al-anon meeting.

redatlanta

I am so sorry this has happened. Has anyone field a missing person's report?

theuncertainty

It's so hard, isn't it? DS was 3 when we left; 6 when I divorced his father; 8 when he last had a custody visitation with his dad; he's 11 now, and I still struggle with how to tell him, how to answer his questions. We had to deal with a lot of AXH not showing up for scheduled visits for a while. All I could tell DS was the truth and try to help him deal with his emotions. When I didn't know where his dad was, I told him, "I don't know." When I did know, I'd tell DS that. When he'd ask why dad was *there* and not *here*, I'd tell him I didn't know why his dad made the choices he made. (Because I don't know. I could guess, but I didn't *know* and I'd say so.) The big thing was (is) to be there for DS as he muddles through the confusion and heartache.

When we first left, I'd tell DS stories about a little Prince and he'd interject pieces here and there, so we'd sometimes talk about what was going on, without really talking about it directly.

Wldhrt13

Bekindalways, I think that the Alcoholic is the easily "identified" patient, but that doesn't mean they are the ones who are only sick and suffering. It's hard to look at me, but that is what is left for me to look at now....me.

Wldhrt13

atalose, More shall be revealed.....I have heard that once before but never knew what it meant. I'm not sure I do even now? maybe I'm a bit of a dullard. I'm going to take it on a concrete level that in time, more information cometh forward? or is it a spiritual revelation that the phrase infers. I never was great at idiomatic expressions and the like. I will certainly stick around. I could use any pearls of wisdom. Me and my kids I have 2 are hurting and grieving. Thank you for reaching out. Much appreciated.

p.s. as far as the SSDI, check; the mother seems to be a pretty big enabler, (this according to his AA sponsor) she may well just bank the check every month without even being asked. she was letting her son in his 50's live rent free and feeding him, clothing him, and even giving him gas money, sometimes paying bill for him too. or perhaps he has already switched his account over to direct deposit to avoid anyone knowing his whereabouts? if he did this, he truly will be missing forever and no one will ever know where he went.

Bekindalways

Well, if you find you would rather look at the alcoholic's problems than your own and you also have trouble taking care of your own needs . . .

. . . pull up a chair and have a sit; you are in the company of kindred spirits. Hmmm . . . anyhow, if not kindred spirits, than folks with at least a commonality of brokenness. Welcome.

Wldhrt13

redatlanta, Interesting you ask this. and the answer is no. initially, when he was discharging out of the detox his plan was to come back to his parents home, where he had lived prior. however, they were too scared to take him back fearing if he relapsed again they would be physically hurt again and more verbal assaults etc. Upon hearing this, and additionally, hearing that all 5 of his children were not going to be a part of his life at least for the time being, he made one phone call asking for his mother to put his SSDI check in the bank. After that there has been no further contact from him with anyone.

I guess, people were so eager for him to leave their lives because he was such a violent alcoholic, they were relieved to see him just go. I, am one of the few who are worried. Yes he has gone missing on a bender for a day or two. But even then he would call someone or facebook etc.. This is unprecedented. It is as if he is gone. However, guess we should figure out if his cell phone is still on or whether he's just screening calls and that's why its' going straight to voicemail. that would suggest whether he is still powering it up and just avoiding calls or if its' dead; which would be an important clue.

Where would one file a report? The city he went missing from? or the city he last had residency? Thank you for the suggestion, I will tell his parents and take it under consideration.

Wldhrt13

Bekindalways, brokenness.........that I can identify with. I always thought if I could fix my way out of it, talk my way out of it, exercise my way out of it, speed in my car out of it, distract myself with music/tv my way out of it, compulsively-clean my way out of it, spend money my way out of it, eating-disorder my way out of it....or the mother lode of all... become the fixer of someone else who needed fixing my way out of my own brokenness. but the list could go on and on....

oh thank you for pulling me up a chair, I could sure sit down, I have been running from myself and my brokenness my whole life I'm pretty sure. Running on empty (Jackson Browne)

Wldhrt13

theuncertainty, thank you for your candid reply. I like the fact that you used honesty with your DS. that seems instinctual. I guess I need to do the same. Less is more at this young age. I think what I hate is that I can't keep her from the pain. being there for the confusion and heartache clinches it for me. that will come....I guess it's inevitable, I was hoping there was some way to avoid that. But there is not. Thanks again. you have given me clarity that I needed with this issue. peace to you and yours.

atalose

Yes the expression more will be reveled means in time you will have more information.

Given more of the facts I imagine his mother is not someone you can count on for any truths regarding him, his possible whereabouts or his SSDI check and banking. For all you know she knows exactly where he is and is not telling anyone thinking she is preventing him from some kind of financial obligations. I hope the children can get some counseling to help them understand alcoholism and how his abandonment of them isn’t about them at all even though they feel that hurt and pain.

Keep posting, venting and getting it all out to those of us who sadly understand.

((hugs))