My AH is in Rehab... Now What?
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Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 216
There are high rates of relapse with any addictions after rehab. Your husband is proof of it as he already went to rehab once and relapsed. It's a lifelong commitment and work to remain sober. Think about a diet and working towards that to lose weight and sticking with it the rest of your life and never ever touching that donut... Well now think about how hard that diet is to maintain times 100. This is the reality of addiction. At the moment he is battling at least 3 horrible addictions that we know of.
It is very delusional thinking to think "I want my husband back to the way he used to be". You just didn't know him as deeply as you know him now. You just knew him superficially. Only till about a week ago you find out about his purchasing sex and having 1000+ sexual partners. This didn't happen over night! If you never snooped through his phone, you would have never known. Before you two got married, moved in together etc. etc. is all just an "idea of a man who you thought your husband was". He was a sneaky good liar and hid a lot of embarrassing stuff about himself that he didn't want to share with anyone. Imagine your first date with him, if he was honest and said "hi my name is Joe, I'm an alcoholic, drug addict and sex addict", there probably wouldn't be no second date. So people tend to hide those vulnerable, embarrassing things about themselves and portray themselves in the best light. Unfortunately we always want our partners in their best light but the truth is that some people (like your husband) have many skeletons in their closets and it ain't pretty.
Also it makes no sense that your husband always wears a condom. If he was so drunk to the point that he didn't remember the hooker he took sexual pics with, how in the world is he able to remember to make sure he puts on a condom? Again, we always want to give our loved ones the benefit of the doubt because the truth can be too much to bear and we do this as a defence mechanism to shield our hearts of pain.
As far as your therapist saying that it can work after rehab and your marriage can be better than ever... Yes, there are cases of infidelity in a marriage and through therapy people get past it. But in your situation, we are talking about a serial cheater, a person addicted to sex. This is a much, much, much harder case. I think your therapist wants you to keep paying him/her. If you left your husband, you will feel like a massive weight has been lifted. You'll eventually get over him, move on and you won't need to see a therapist anymore.
It is very delusional thinking to think "I want my husband back to the way he used to be". You just didn't know him as deeply as you know him now. You just knew him superficially. Only till about a week ago you find out about his purchasing sex and having 1000+ sexual partners. This didn't happen over night! If you never snooped through his phone, you would have never known. Before you two got married, moved in together etc. etc. is all just an "idea of a man who you thought your husband was". He was a sneaky good liar and hid a lot of embarrassing stuff about himself that he didn't want to share with anyone. Imagine your first date with him, if he was honest and said "hi my name is Joe, I'm an alcoholic, drug addict and sex addict", there probably wouldn't be no second date. So people tend to hide those vulnerable, embarrassing things about themselves and portray themselves in the best light. Unfortunately we always want our partners in their best light but the truth is that some people (like your husband) have many skeletons in their closets and it ain't pretty.
Also it makes no sense that your husband always wears a condom. If he was so drunk to the point that he didn't remember the hooker he took sexual pics with, how in the world is he able to remember to make sure he puts on a condom? Again, we always want to give our loved ones the benefit of the doubt because the truth can be too much to bear and we do this as a defence mechanism to shield our hearts of pain.
As far as your therapist saying that it can work after rehab and your marriage can be better than ever... Yes, there are cases of infidelity in a marriage and through therapy people get past it. But in your situation, we are talking about a serial cheater, a person addicted to sex. This is a much, much, much harder case. I think your therapist wants you to keep paying him/her. If you left your husband, you will feel like a massive weight has been lifted. You'll eventually get over him, move on and you won't need to see a therapist anymore.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 216
This thread reminds me of a guy that my husband used to work with that would brag about getting hookers (he is married with young children). It's appalling that he would do this and his wife is clueless to the fact. He started with escorts but after years of spending his money on escorts, he would go for the $10 crack-addicted hookers on the worst streets downtown. His sex addiction spiralled out of control to eventually paying a mentally ******** girl very little money to do some horrible sexual things to (that most escorts would charge a lot for). The life of a sex addict is very dark, selfish and at times sociopathic.
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Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: America
Posts: 4,136
Oh my, BB. I really feel for you.
One rule of thumb when dealing with addicts: The extent of their addiction(s) as in how much/how often/how long...is usually GREATER/MORE/MORE OFTEN than they first admit. Ever notice how many smokers say they smoke a "1/2 a pack per day"? Well, maybe not, but this applies to any addiction regardless of how serious it is. "I swear, I only had a few."
Now, 1000 sexual partners? That's a lot to admit to, but by then he knew the game was up and was going to give you access to his phone records as if that would make it better? It still doesn't change the fact that he sleeps around, plays around, uses substances; likely to increase his pleasure, etc.
Used coke only 4-5 times? I would highly suspect it's more than that.
Based upon what you have shared, he is indeed like two personalities. Could be bi-polar, could be hypersexual which many bi-polars are when they are manic. Could be using sex to "feel good" and it's just another addiction. Could be using porn to get turned on and sounds like is also addicted to porn. So, he could be using his various addictions to "manage" his moods. Or, he could be moody because of his addictions. He definitely needs professional help.
How are YOU doing?
One rule of thumb when dealing with addicts: The extent of their addiction(s) as in how much/how often/how long...is usually GREATER/MORE/MORE OFTEN than they first admit. Ever notice how many smokers say they smoke a "1/2 a pack per day"? Well, maybe not, but this applies to any addiction regardless of how serious it is. "I swear, I only had a few."
Now, 1000 sexual partners? That's a lot to admit to, but by then he knew the game was up and was going to give you access to his phone records as if that would make it better? It still doesn't change the fact that he sleeps around, plays around, uses substances; likely to increase his pleasure, etc.
Used coke only 4-5 times? I would highly suspect it's more than that.
Based upon what you have shared, he is indeed like two personalities. Could be bi-polar, could be hypersexual which many bi-polars are when they are manic. Could be using sex to "feel good" and it's just another addiction. Could be using porn to get turned on and sounds like is also addicted to porn. So, he could be using his various addictions to "manage" his moods. Or, he could be moody because of his addictions. He definitely needs professional help.
How are YOU doing?
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
Since he's in treatment, do I stay and see if this was rock bottom? Or do I assume our relationship is done
So trust your gut, the feeling you started your post with......"I know I should run for the hills".
Rehab isn't a cure, rehab doesn't fix whats broken inside of him. And just because he went voluntarily doesn't mean a thing.
He seems to have many high risk addictions and addiction is life long as you are witnessing with the relapse after 7 years.
If you don't mind me asking, you stated you have only been married for 7 months, how long did you know him before you got married?
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 786
Hi...
I wanted to say that I know how much this just STINKS. There's no other way to say how betrayed you feel at this moment, how taken, how cheated from your dream...in a very similar situation you can add that I also felt stupid--as if it was a reflection on me that I didn't see it. And I struggled with walking away because of what everyone else would think--and because "my story" would involve a divorce, which to me meant failure.
I've gotten past all of that. I DID leave. And divorce isn't failure. I think that, if you met him knowing everything you know now, you would not marry him. So from that front, you didn't make that commitment with full knowledge. Your marriage was not real from the beginning, since he wasn't holding up his end of the deal. From a spiritual perspective, you're freed from your promises. You can freely decide how you want to proceed.
With my latest X I decided we needed to live separately for AT LEAST a year of sobriety (in all aspects), in order to clear my head and not believe in hopes and dreams. It's only been 5 months, and he's still sober and working a program--but I'm not going back. I don't want to live a lifetime of wonder and lack of full trust. I want more.
Nobody can tell you the right path, but please do NOT feel guilty if your heart and head are asking you for space. One option in my state is a legal separation with the option to unilaterally convert to divorce. This protects your assets if he binges (essentially divides all the assets and property as if you were divorced), and allows any time later for either party to convert it to divorce (not requiring the other party's signature). This is often used in addiction scenarios where the sober partner wants financial protection while hoping the other partner becomes clean, so doesn't want a divorce yet. Stats show that most end up converting to divorce, and the majority of others remain financially separated...but there are a few who reunite.
That's my plug to consider protecting yourself financially. Addictions can cause severe financial hardship and debt that can follow you for years if you're jointly liable--which you are while married.
I'm so sorry you're going through this. I do understand he depth of betrayal to the core. You're not stupid or oblivious--they are so very good at hiding and living double lives.
Hugs to you.
I wanted to say that I know how much this just STINKS. There's no other way to say how betrayed you feel at this moment, how taken, how cheated from your dream...in a very similar situation you can add that I also felt stupid--as if it was a reflection on me that I didn't see it. And I struggled with walking away because of what everyone else would think--and because "my story" would involve a divorce, which to me meant failure.
I've gotten past all of that. I DID leave. And divorce isn't failure. I think that, if you met him knowing everything you know now, you would not marry him. So from that front, you didn't make that commitment with full knowledge. Your marriage was not real from the beginning, since he wasn't holding up his end of the deal. From a spiritual perspective, you're freed from your promises. You can freely decide how you want to proceed.
With my latest X I decided we needed to live separately for AT LEAST a year of sobriety (in all aspects), in order to clear my head and not believe in hopes and dreams. It's only been 5 months, and he's still sober and working a program--but I'm not going back. I don't want to live a lifetime of wonder and lack of full trust. I want more.
Nobody can tell you the right path, but please do NOT feel guilty if your heart and head are asking you for space. One option in my state is a legal separation with the option to unilaterally convert to divorce. This protects your assets if he binges (essentially divides all the assets and property as if you were divorced), and allows any time later for either party to convert it to divorce (not requiring the other party's signature). This is often used in addiction scenarios where the sober partner wants financial protection while hoping the other partner becomes clean, so doesn't want a divorce yet. Stats show that most end up converting to divorce, and the majority of others remain financially separated...but there are a few who reunite.
That's my plug to consider protecting yourself financially. Addictions can cause severe financial hardship and debt that can follow you for years if you're jointly liable--which you are while married.
I'm so sorry you're going through this. I do understand he depth of betrayal to the core. You're not stupid or oblivious--they are so very good at hiding and living double lives.
Hugs to you.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2016
Posts: 5
Thanks everyone. I fully recognize that I can't take him at his word on anything. Just to clarify, he always uses condoms WITH ME, but yes, I'll get checked. And he does not brag to anyone about this second life- he is deeply deeply ashamed of it and hides it as much as possible.
@Praying, thanks for that bit about "Your marriage wasn't real from the beginning since he wasn't holding up his end of the deal." That really resonated with me.
@atalose, we've been together for 4 years, living together for 3. I really thought I knew him. Initially I felt really stupid/blind for being so deceived. But I know now that I believed him because I loved him and trusted him to be truthful. Note that this applies to the beginning, before the relapse. After I snooped like crazy and still didn't find half of this.
@teatreeoil007, we (the family) do think he's bipolar. His cousin is, so there's some family history, but it's been impossible to get a diagnosis because of the substance use. Withdrawal can look a lot like depression, so my AH needs to be sober first.
Re: how I'm doing, I'm hanging in there. Starting to eat and sleep again, although in small quantities of both. Having nightmares. I do have a great support network though of friends and family but I feel as though my world has been turned upside down. I see a psychologist once a week and go to al-anon once a week. I've been making a conscious effort to get engaged with my own life, to make sure I'm getting out of the house, getting some exercise, and staying on track with my schooling. That last bit has me a little stressed out... I went back to school to pursue my MBA and I've got another year to go. We agreed that my AH carry the household until I was done. Quitting the program is not an option, but they have made some academic accommodations for me.
I've got to say, it's really telling to see so many people weigh in and not 1 person telling to wait and see how rehab goes. I'm a numbers girl and seeing 447 views without 1 positive story is as impactful as your comments.
@Praying, thanks for that bit about "Your marriage wasn't real from the beginning since he wasn't holding up his end of the deal." That really resonated with me.
@atalose, we've been together for 4 years, living together for 3. I really thought I knew him. Initially I felt really stupid/blind for being so deceived. But I know now that I believed him because I loved him and trusted him to be truthful. Note that this applies to the beginning, before the relapse. After I snooped like crazy and still didn't find half of this.
@teatreeoil007, we (the family) do think he's bipolar. His cousin is, so there's some family history, but it's been impossible to get a diagnosis because of the substance use. Withdrawal can look a lot like depression, so my AH needs to be sober first.
Re: how I'm doing, I'm hanging in there. Starting to eat and sleep again, although in small quantities of both. Having nightmares. I do have a great support network though of friends and family but I feel as though my world has been turned upside down. I see a psychologist once a week and go to al-anon once a week. I've been making a conscious effort to get engaged with my own life, to make sure I'm getting out of the house, getting some exercise, and staying on track with my schooling. That last bit has me a little stressed out... I went back to school to pursue my MBA and I've got another year to go. We agreed that my AH carry the household until I was done. Quitting the program is not an option, but they have made some academic accommodations for me.
I've got to say, it's really telling to see so many people weigh in and not 1 person telling to wait and see how rehab goes. I'm a numbers girl and seeing 447 views without 1 positive story is as impactful as your comments.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
BetrayedWife....I can appreciate what you are saying about not one comment laced with hopefulness.
I think one factor is that most of the people, here, came to the forum in the midst of crisis...after long periods of living with alcoholism and had been to the "gates of hell" because of it. All of the rose-colored tint having been erased from our glasses. So many, stayed in because of unrelenting hope that a miracle would happen and that it was bound to get better....some for twenty or thirty plus years!
I think that we have wanted to be sure to give a very reality-based picture of what recovery really entails....to make sure that you don't fall into some of the traps that we have..... We tend to be a protective group, in that way....lol....
Of course, there are lots of people who do reach recovery and maintain it. And, there are many factors that contribute to this.....quite a long list....
One thing that is often said is this: "More will be revealed"......
And, it will, in your situation, as well......
I hope for the best for you and for him....
At least, you will face the future with wide-open eyes....you will never be able to say "why didn't someone tell me!?" .....in case things don't go the way you want them to....
I care about your welfare...and, I can feel safe in saying that the others do, too!
I hope that you hang around and read and learn and post.....
dandylion
I think one factor is that most of the people, here, came to the forum in the midst of crisis...after long periods of living with alcoholism and had been to the "gates of hell" because of it. All of the rose-colored tint having been erased from our glasses. So many, stayed in because of unrelenting hope that a miracle would happen and that it was bound to get better....some for twenty or thirty plus years!
I think that we have wanted to be sure to give a very reality-based picture of what recovery really entails....to make sure that you don't fall into some of the traps that we have..... We tend to be a protective group, in that way....lol....
Of course, there are lots of people who do reach recovery and maintain it. And, there are many factors that contribute to this.....quite a long list....
One thing that is often said is this: "More will be revealed"......
And, it will, in your situation, as well......
I hope for the best for you and for him....
At least, you will face the future with wide-open eyes....you will never be able to say "why didn't someone tell me!?" .....in case things don't go the way you want them to....
I care about your welfare...and, I can feel safe in saying that the others do, too!
I hope that you hang around and read and learn and post.....
dandylion
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
My AH holds a good job and most people don't know about his dark side. He is a total Dr Jeckyll/ Mr Hyde type. He's incredibly jovial, compassionate, loving, helpful, and kind. He loves his family and is well liked by others. He's a total people pleaser and hates saying "no."
The "dark" side is not due to addiction. You are most likely dealing with a personality disorder or mental illness.
He had no recollection of it and was just as shocked as I was I don't believe him.
He wound up getting drunk to try and trying to kill himself for the third time this year. You are dealing with either a personality disorder or a mental illness
He admitted to using cocaine "4-5 times" which he knew I was adamantly against I don't believe him. 4 or 5? 40 or 50? 400 or 500? More like it. I don't believe much of anything he has told you because he has proven to be a pathological liar.
I know he loves me. Based on?? what? Because he is nice to you sometimes? Says he loves you? Wants the best for you if you split? We will just see about that if you decide to leave. You wouldn't be the first that was manipulated that way.
I know he's truly remorseful for everything and has told me he'll do whatever it takes (his suggestions were drug tests as requested, access to all sites, accounts, etc) if I choose to stay. True remorse is something that has to be proven not said. His suggestion of drug testing and access to accounts etc. that is putting his recovery in YOUR hands, NO THANKS. its too easy technologically to get around access to an email or whatever. That's pretty meaningless ,and puts you in the position of being "The Warden"
My dear, the obstacles to overcome in this situation are huge. The length of time it will take is years. The onus to getting him into Rehab was not of his own decision, rather a hail mary as he was so busted it was his last option to keep you with him. Don't confuse remorse with the criminal sorry for getting caught. I seldom say RUN to a new member, but I will say it this time. There is nothing here for you but stress, upset, lies, multiple addictions, possible mental illness or personality disorder, and abuse. The number of sex partners he claims to have had is staggering, the escorts and sex trolling resulting in actual encounters puts you at risk for HIV, hepatitis, Syphillis etc. "Safe Sex"......... said no blackout addict ever.
The "dark" side is not due to addiction. You are most likely dealing with a personality disorder or mental illness.
He had no recollection of it and was just as shocked as I was I don't believe him.
He wound up getting drunk to try and trying to kill himself for the third time this year. You are dealing with either a personality disorder or a mental illness
He admitted to using cocaine "4-5 times" which he knew I was adamantly against I don't believe him. 4 or 5? 40 or 50? 400 or 500? More like it. I don't believe much of anything he has told you because he has proven to be a pathological liar.
I know he loves me. Based on?? what? Because he is nice to you sometimes? Says he loves you? Wants the best for you if you split? We will just see about that if you decide to leave. You wouldn't be the first that was manipulated that way.
I know he's truly remorseful for everything and has told me he'll do whatever it takes (his suggestions were drug tests as requested, access to all sites, accounts, etc) if I choose to stay. True remorse is something that has to be proven not said. His suggestion of drug testing and access to accounts etc. that is putting his recovery in YOUR hands, NO THANKS. its too easy technologically to get around access to an email or whatever. That's pretty meaningless ,and puts you in the position of being "The Warden"
My dear, the obstacles to overcome in this situation are huge. The length of time it will take is years. The onus to getting him into Rehab was not of his own decision, rather a hail mary as he was so busted it was his last option to keep you with him. Don't confuse remorse with the criminal sorry for getting caught. I seldom say RUN to a new member, but I will say it this time. There is nothing here for you but stress, upset, lies, multiple addictions, possible mental illness or personality disorder, and abuse. The number of sex partners he claims to have had is staggering, the escorts and sex trolling resulting in actual encounters puts you at risk for HIV, hepatitis, Syphillis etc. "Safe Sex"......... said no blackout addict ever.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 220
I'm so sorry for what is happening.
He had been in recovery before. He knows where the help is when he relapses. His bottom wasn't having sex with women other than you. His bottom wasn't attempted suicide twice before this incident. His bottom wasn't spending incredible amounts of money on these escorts and cocaine. He knows where the help is but chose the double life instead.
I think you should run . If you choose not to, please get your ducks in a row and be prepared. He says he will help etc, but that can (will) change in a heartbeat.
Take care of you first.
He had been in recovery before. He knows where the help is when he relapses. His bottom wasn't having sex with women other than you. His bottom wasn't attempted suicide twice before this incident. His bottom wasn't spending incredible amounts of money on these escorts and cocaine. He knows where the help is but chose the double life instead.
I think you should run . If you choose not to, please get your ducks in a row and be prepared. He says he will help etc, but that can (will) change in a heartbeat.
Take care of you first.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 216
Betrayed bride... Believe me, I can fully sympathize. I grew up in a family where my dad was (and probably still is) a sex addict. You are married to him and can divorce him, you still have that chance. As a daughter, I can't do that. I love my dad. I wouldn't say he was a good father as now I'm an adult and can see all the messed up things he has done to our family due to his issues and anxieties.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 216
Originally Posted by alcoholics wife 
Betrayed bride... Believe me, I can fully sympathize. I grew up in a family where my dad was (and highly likely, still is) a sex addict. You are married to him and can divorce him, you still have that chance. As a daughter, I can't do that. I love my dad. I wouldn't say he was a good father as now I'm an adult and can see all the messed up things he has done to our family due to his issues and anxieties.
My brother has issues and has an idea that men are superior to women. I have a feeling he is going down exact same path as my dad with prostitutes.
I ended up dating men with addiction. My previous bf addicted to alcohol, cocaine and gambling. My current husband is addicted to alcohol.
So to sum things up...major repercussions of growing up with a parent whom is an addict. If I were my mom, I would have divorced my dad sooner than she did. She stuck with the marriage for longer than she needed. But when you have children involved that is a whole other level. It's one thing for you to catch your spouse doing messed up things on his phone. It's another thing for a child to accidentally stumble across this from dad.
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Originally Posted by BetrayedBride
I've got to say, it's really telling to see so many people weigh in and not 1 person telling to wait and see how rehab goes. I'm a numbers girl and seeing 447 views without 1 positive story is as impactful as your comments.
Using this standard, it seems pretty clear that this marriage is probably not a relationship you will see any benefit from continuing.
Wishing you strength and clarity on the recovery path.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
I've got to say, it's really telling to see so many people weigh in and not 1 person telling to wait and see how rehab goes. I'm a numbers girl and seeing 447 views without 1 positive story is as impactful as your comments.
i would be APPALLED if anyone suggested you STAY and ride this out.
i would be APPALLED if anyone suggested you STAY and ride this out.
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,784
If he was my husband and had cheated on me, that would be the ultimate deal breaker. I'd be out of there so fast his head would spin. I would suggest leaving now before there are kids involved.
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Join Date: Jul 2015
Posts: 246
BetrayedBride - There's a lot of collective wisdom on this site, and you have gotten wonderful advice from everyone.
My experience pales in comparison to yours. There are some similarities though. I was clueless too. I didn't know my husband had gone through a dark period (6 months) in his life close to two years ago. I didn't see anything coming my way (-isms) except for workaholism (existed throughout our marriage).
Then, 1 1/2 years ago, he came home late one evening from a business trip in NYC. Shoulders slumped, he sat down on the couch and tearfully admitted to binge drinking episodes (with blackouts) during out of town business trips. I thought it was only alcoholism, but more was revealed over the course of a year - pornography, keylogger and massage parlors with happy endings (5 times...when drunk during his dark period). In a matter of months, he crossed the only three boundaries I set - alcoholism (drank twice), pornography (viewed 3 times) and privacy.
He's in individual therapy, but he initially resisted until the marriage counselor convinced him. I recently decided on a physical separation so that I would have a chance to take a step back and work through everything.
This will take years for your husband and your marriage to be in a better place. That's quite an investment of time for only 8 months of marriage with no guarantees. It's your decision to make, but I hope the responses here have provided you with more knowledge and awareness of addictions and the path forward.
You are in my thoughts.
My experience pales in comparison to yours. There are some similarities though. I was clueless too. I didn't know my husband had gone through a dark period (6 months) in his life close to two years ago. I didn't see anything coming my way (-isms) except for workaholism (existed throughout our marriage).
Then, 1 1/2 years ago, he came home late one evening from a business trip in NYC. Shoulders slumped, he sat down on the couch and tearfully admitted to binge drinking episodes (with blackouts) during out of town business trips. I thought it was only alcoholism, but more was revealed over the course of a year - pornography, keylogger and massage parlors with happy endings (5 times...when drunk during his dark period). In a matter of months, he crossed the only three boundaries I set - alcoholism (drank twice), pornography (viewed 3 times) and privacy.
He's in individual therapy, but he initially resisted until the marriage counselor convinced him. I recently decided on a physical separation so that I would have a chance to take a step back and work through everything.
This will take years for your husband and your marriage to be in a better place. That's quite an investment of time for only 8 months of marriage with no guarantees. It's your decision to make, but I hope the responses here have provided you with more knowledge and awareness of addictions and the path forward.
You are in my thoughts.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 9,010
Originally Posted by BetrayedBride
Thanks everyone. I fully recognize that I can't take him at his word on anything. Just to clarify, he always uses condoms WITH ME, but yes, I'll get checked. And he does not brag to anyone about this second life- he is deeply deeply ashamed of it and hides it as much as possible.
@Praying, thanks for that bit about "Your marriage wasn't real from the beginning since he wasn't holding up his end of the deal." That really resonated with me.
@atalose, we've been together for 4 years, living together for 3. I really thought I knew him. Initially I felt really stupid/blind for being so deceived. But I know now that I believed him because I loved him and trusted him to be truthful. Note that this applies to the beginning, before the relapse. After I snooped like crazy and still didn't find half of this.
@teatreeoil007, we (the family) do think he's bipolar. His cousin is, so there's some family history, but it's been impossible to get a diagnosis because of the substance use. Withdrawal can look a lot like depression, so my AH needs to be sober first.
Re: how I'm doing, I'm hanging in there. Starting to eat and sleep again, although in small quantities of both. Having nightmares. I do have a great support network though of friends and family but I feel as though my world has been turned upside down. I see a psychologist once a week and go to al-anon once a week. I've been making a conscious effort to get engaged with my own life, to make sure I'm getting out of the house, getting some exercise, and staying on track with my schooling. That last bit has me a little stressed out... I went back to school to pursue my MBA and I've got another year to go. We agreed that my AH carry the household until I was done. Quitting the program is not an option, but they have made some academic accommodations for me.
I've got to say, it's really telling to see so many people weigh in and not 1 person telling to wait and see how rehab goes. I'm a numbers girl and seeing 447 views without 1 positive story is as impactful as your comments.
@Praying, thanks for that bit about "Your marriage wasn't real from the beginning since he wasn't holding up his end of the deal." That really resonated with me.
@atalose, we've been together for 4 years, living together for 3. I really thought I knew him. Initially I felt really stupid/blind for being so deceived. But I know now that I believed him because I loved him and trusted him to be truthful. Note that this applies to the beginning, before the relapse. After I snooped like crazy and still didn't find half of this.
@teatreeoil007, we (the family) do think he's bipolar. His cousin is, so there's some family history, but it's been impossible to get a diagnosis because of the substance use. Withdrawal can look a lot like depression, so my AH needs to be sober first.
Re: how I'm doing, I'm hanging in there. Starting to eat and sleep again, although in small quantities of both. Having nightmares. I do have a great support network though of friends and family but I feel as though my world has been turned upside down. I see a psychologist once a week and go to al-anon once a week. I've been making a conscious effort to get engaged with my own life, to make sure I'm getting out of the house, getting some exercise, and staying on track with my schooling. That last bit has me a little stressed out... I went back to school to pursue my MBA and I've got another year to go. We agreed that my AH carry the household until I was done. Quitting the program is not an option, but they have made some academic accommodations for me.
I've got to say, it's really telling to see so many people weigh in and not 1 person telling to wait and see how rehab goes. I'm a numbers girl and seeing 447 views without 1 positive story is as impactful as your comments.
The responses to your post must be really hard to read. Unfortunately I can only second what has been said. I'm very impressed that you did not run scared from this forum. You must be one very tough and smart woman.
No matter how smart and tough anyone is the pain in situations like this is sky-high-glow-in-the-dark excruciating.
I was so relieved to read that you are doing what you can to take care of yourself. Keep it up and let us know how you are doing.
May battalions of angels buzz you all day every day!!!
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Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: America
Posts: 4,136
Sorry that my response to this couldn't be more hopeful and positive as in "things will look up" etc. The reality is that even WITH treatment and professional help, these addictions are very hard for ANYONE to overcome. Addictions have a grip on peoples' brains and lives with tenacity that is almost unbelievable. But, I DO believe that is a person wants somethings bad enough, they can do it; they can beat it. They have to want it more than anything and will DO anything to be successful...in the meantime, you can still be suffering a living hell as they are "working it". You are likely suffering right now just from the hurt, betrayal, and shock. And even though you love him and even if he loves you, the reality also it that they tend to love their addictions MORE and are in a sense married to their addictions.
I've been working with addicts for over 30 years and many a time felt like a co-dependent because of it. I'm always skeptical when someone says, "It was only 4 or times". Addicts tend to minimize their addictions as much as possible so that it doesn't sound as "bad" as it really is...reasons being, yes, they are ashamed to an extent, like you have said....and because they don't want others to think badly of them. Also, they don't want to 'get into trouble'. I wonder how long this would have gone on had you not 'caught him'? Hard to say.
At any rate, what is done and is done. And he DOES need get some serious help and needs to get a good diagnosis for his bi-polar, if that is what he has, but need to get clean and sober first because the drug can mask it.
Yes, most addicts are ashamed of their addictions at first and often for a long while afterwards. That's good and bad. It's good because it is sometimes the shame that will drive them to really change so they are not so ashamed. But, then, their does come a time when they need to drop being so ashamed and learn to respect their selves again minus the addictions. No two addicts alike. Some stick to one substance, while many have several substances/things they abuse.
You can only do so much for him to get better. So, it's highly essential that you put your own health first.
I've been working with addicts for over 30 years and many a time felt like a co-dependent because of it. I'm always skeptical when someone says, "It was only 4 or times". Addicts tend to minimize their addictions as much as possible so that it doesn't sound as "bad" as it really is...reasons being, yes, they are ashamed to an extent, like you have said....and because they don't want others to think badly of them. Also, they don't want to 'get into trouble'. I wonder how long this would have gone on had you not 'caught him'? Hard to say.
At any rate, what is done and is done. And he DOES need get some serious help and needs to get a good diagnosis for his bi-polar, if that is what he has, but need to get clean and sober first because the drug can mask it.
Yes, most addicts are ashamed of their addictions at first and often for a long while afterwards. That's good and bad. It's good because it is sometimes the shame that will drive them to really change so they are not so ashamed. But, then, their does come a time when they need to drop being so ashamed and learn to respect their selves again minus the addictions. No two addicts alike. Some stick to one substance, while many have several substances/things they abuse.
You can only do so much for him to get better. So, it's highly essential that you put your own health first.
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Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 3,095
IF rehab is successful for him it won't be due to rehab. It will be due to his making a life long committment to change his lifestyle...and given the myriad addictions/issues he has, it seems to me highly unlikely he will be able to drop them all at once...
I am afraid for you that now that he has seen that you're willing to stay despite his breaking your "deal breakers", he will continue to talk the talk without walking the walk of making changes permanently because he sees you will stay, no matter what.
I would personally opt for a separation-- be apart, stay married if you wish, but be apart for a year and see what he does-- watch his actions, not his words and if he is serious about recovery, you will see it.
If he is not you will see that too.
I regret bringing kids into my marriage with my addict xAH. I don't regret my kids for a second, but bringing kids into a life with an addict is a death sentence emotionally for kids and if I were to do it over again I would have cut ties months into my marriage when I knew it was over, and run.
I am afraid for you that now that he has seen that you're willing to stay despite his breaking your "deal breakers", he will continue to talk the talk without walking the walk of making changes permanently because he sees you will stay, no matter what.
I would personally opt for a separation-- be apart, stay married if you wish, but be apart for a year and see what he does-- watch his actions, not his words and if he is serious about recovery, you will see it.
If he is not you will see that too.
I regret bringing kids into my marriage with my addict xAH. I don't regret my kids for a second, but bringing kids into a life with an addict is a death sentence emotionally for kids and if I were to do it over again I would have cut ties months into my marriage when I knew it was over, and run.
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Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: East Coast USA
Posts: 1,068
Hi just dropping in from the other side so to speak and I wasn't planning to post here. But in your case I am motivated to provide my two cents in the hope that you might listen. I'm an experienced alcoholic and substance abuser. Not surprisingly lots of my friends were also hard partyers/addicts. And we all talk without our sober significant others around. I have seen guys like your AH. If your description of the problem is accurate you have yourself a real winner (not). They are bad even to us other alcoholics/addicts. But what they all have are wives/girlfriends who for whatever reason won't leave. For years and years. Despite the overwhelming evidence that they should leave. We know our friend is a dog who is treating you like crap but as part of the alcoholic/addict code of silence we will never tell you this. We do however feel sorry for you. Maybe telling you this is part of my redemption/recovery process. I never had the guts to tell one wife of a childhood friend of mine what I just told you.
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