aliciagr

I moved to a relatives a few weeks ago due to my husband becoming abusive while drinking and doing coke. Twice he sexually assaulted me. Ive been working through this with help. Now he has begun therapy and has accepted what he did and is showing remorse. I can't stay with a relative much longer and miss home but feel I should wait a week or two more. We are talking and have seen each other in public places. Anyone have similar?

Wisconsin

If it were me, I would call the DV hotline, and get a restraining order against him so that you can move back home without having to live with him.

If you are not yet ready to file for divorce or otherwise leave him, I recommend discussing with your therapist (I assume a therapist is the "help" you have to work through this) what sorts of healthy boundaries you are prepared to establish and enforce.

LexieCat

I would NOT go "home" to an abuser who had sexually assaulted me.

What kind of therapy has he gotten? And all you've said is that he's "begun" therapy. He will continue to pose a serious danger to you unless and until he is both sober and committed to not engaging in abuse to control you. That takes TIME and WORK--a lot of it.

It isn't about his remorse and your willingness to forgive. That's fine, if you can do that. It's about not putting yourself in harm's way.

If YOU have nowhere else to go, then I would suggest talking with an advocate about a protective order that would require HIM to leave, while you can stay in the house. Part of his consequence for his treatment of you should be that if one of you needs to find a place to stay, it should be him.

I'm very sorry for the abuse you suffered. Please don't give him the chance to do it again.

Liveitwell

My ex was always sorry , too....until it happened again.

He's an abuser-get far away and don't consider going home.

minime13

You should give yourself the time and space to process and move on from this, without the worry of him being around.

Depending on what, if any, charges were filed, you may want to look into a protective order. If the house is under both of your names, it could mean he has to leave. Or you can (as suggested above) talk to a DV advocate to work out housing.

This is about you and your own health, not his being sorry. You need to get to a place to where you are okay . Abuse and assault don't resolve themselves in a matter of weeks. Just take care of yourself right now. That will give you the clarity of how you want to handle him and his issues a lot better, when you're able to heal.

aliciagr

I didnt file any charges. He has never been abusive before. He relapsed recently and its the drugs caused this. Its not ok and why I left. But if he is getting help, and yes a therapist is what he is using, hasnt seen one in years so its a big deal. I wont ask him to leave if he shows no signs of aggression again. Without being graphic, the first time he wouldnt stop when I wanted to, and the second time was almost the same but I said no earlier and it didnt matter. I won't let it happen again. Maybe another month away would give a better idea of his stability. Its hard. Miss him and the way he was, miss our home.

hopeful4

It seems to me he should be the one finding an alternate living arrangement while he gets himself together. That is just my .02

Stay safe.

Liveitwell

^ yeah, I've been there-it's called rape. And the drugs didn't cause that-just like my exs drunken stupor didn't cause his actions-these abusers are fueled by anger and a sense of entitlement towards women. Please get yourself to a DV person ASAP-I think you'll be surprised at what you learn. Also, I've been there, friend-I continued to say "never again, I'll never let x,y, z happen" again and by the time I left I had just a shred of my self esteem and self worth intact.

You came here asking how long to stay away-I know you don't want to hear it but the best answer is...don't get back together with this guy. If he truly was a good guy he would have been getting therapy BEFORE all of this to deal with his issues. He is manipulating you (my ex many times promised to see a therapist or go to AA, etc....it was all lies to keep me where I was and not leaving him).

You've been given great advice-it's up to you what you do with it.

Liveitwell

P.S. My ex wasn't abusive either...until he was.

Refiner

And exactly what will you do differently to "not LET it happen again"? You said no each time. And he wouldn't stop. That's called RAPE and you're downplaying it. I find that very triggering.

AnvilheadII

it wasn't the drugs.......he raped you. and now with only a couple weeks out from that and you NOT filing charges, you are ready to go back. that alone tells me you need MUCH more time away from the abuser, until you can truly SEE what happened and accept it.

NO ONE changes much in TWO weeks. one or two counseling sessions doesn't FIX this. HE IS NOT SAFE. not by a long shot. he violated you. and you cannot guarantee it won't happen again.

i'd say minimum of SIX months.....with him in full time active ongoing therapy, with a recovery program of some sort, and you also in individual therapy.

LexieCat

You didn't "let" it happen the first two times--what makes you think you can prevent it the next time?

It's not doing something unfair to him to "ask him to leave"--HIS actions are the reason you can't stay with him right now. As between the two of you, which one should be inconvenienced?

Maybe he won't ever do it again. But you are way too close to this incident to be safe just yet. Relapse is VERY common in early recovery. Even if his failure to stop was a product of his being high at the time and not listening to you, until he is in SOLID recovery--clean/sober for a good long stretch--you have very little assurance that he won't do the same thing again.

Wisconsin

Actually, I'm not clear from alicia's posts that her husband even is sober. Is he using at all? Drinking at all? You say that he's getting help...there are plenty of people out there who see counselors while they continue to use.

aliciagr

Ive cried and cried over what happened. Ive been talking to women on an abuse site. He swears in his mind he didnt think I was really refusing because we are married and have been healthy in this area. But he says now he understands he did this and he has already told his new dr. I dont want him punished. I was only want him to know what he did and how far gone he was. If I go home it will be under the condition he is not using or drinking, continues therapy, will probably use a different bedroom for a while, when someone who has never done anything like this, does this it makes you ask why, he didnt turn into an abuser after all these years.

Would a therapist be trained in DV and I could explain and they could help determine if he is a risk if he stops using?

aliciagr

I think he was drinking or using last weekend because he blew up my phone wanting to see me. I think it was liquor. He finally stopped when I told him I was turning my phone off. Ive seen him since, we went to church together, he was sober.

hopeful4

If you call a DV place they normally have a therapist who could help you, usually free of charge. I highly recommend doing this.

AnvilheadII

I think he was drinking or using last weekend because he blew up my phone wanting to see me. I think it was liquor. He finally stopped when I told him I was turning my phone off. Ive seen him since, we went to church together, he was sober.

so even AFTER this horrendous event and the abuse he perpetrated upon you, HE IS STILL USING. i don't care if he made it to church. my mom used to run with a vodka screwdriver IN the car to church. he is still VERY volatile and dangerous. i'm a very afraid FOR YOU because you aren't GETTING it.

if you had a dog and a baby and the dog had always been a good dog but bit the baby ONCE.....would you EVER place the baby near the dog again to see if it will NOT bite?

you are the baby.

Wisconsin

Alicia, nobody can tell you if/when your husband will abuse you again. Nobody could have predicted the last time.

Conventional wisdom is to separate from an addict until he/she has a solid year of recovery under his/her belt. That's how long it takes to get your sea legs back after choosing sobriety.

I agree with everyone else; while your husband is probably very sincerely saying he is sorry and that he "didn't think" you were saying no, the bottom line is that these were his actions. 68% of sexual assaults are not reported. 98% of those who commit sexual assault will never spend a day in prison. NOT ONE DAY. And don't ever, ever forget that marital rape is a very real thing. It is an incredibly damaging social construct for ANY man to think that he has a right to have sex with his wife any time he wants, simply because they are married.

I know we can't change your mind about reporting your assaults. But I will say...what if he does it again? What if he does it again TO SOMEONE ELSE? We cannot predict how someone will behave. Even *if* the drugs impaired his judgment, what if he relapses? What if he stops at a bar on the way home after a bad day at work, gets drunk, and does a line of coke? How will you get away from him? How would another woman get away from him? In at least 1 in 3 sexual assaults, the perpetrator reports being under the influence of drugs and/or alcohol.

Liveitwell

Friend consistent long term sobriety and repentance is what he needs to show you. My ex also went to church with us/didn't stop him from raping me, abusing me and his own children! Mine was sober (ish) when we went to church too-but that has nothing to do with what his other actions were!

I'm so sorry but I've been on the receiving end of the "I'm so sorry, I've treated you like dirt, I'm horrified to have treated you and the kids the way I did....blah, blah blah....". Friend, the only way to tell if your guy is not full of **** is the test of time. My gut tells me he isn't real at all.

But regardless of what HE does, YOU need some help!!

redatlanta

Oh my.

First I am so sorry this happened to you. It's horrible Moreso when those whole we should trust the most violate and abuse.

I'm glad you found us. There are many here that unfortunately have experience, and others whom work in areas of domestic violence that will be of great support to you.

I encourage you to take the advice here and halt your timeline for the time being. You have much to cipher through. It does not sound at all that your husband is sober considering you suspect he was using last weekend. His acceptance of what he did as being wrong goes only as far as sobriety. I think you do need further space to ascertain what you are dealing with.

Additionally, while it would be a relief in many situations to blame the drugs, the rape occurred because something is not right in your husband and has nothing to do with his using. I understand that you have had many years without this type of behavior. That doesn't mean it was never there, you were just not shown it. His mindset of "we are married it can't be what you say" is an excuse. We are far to advanced as a society for that type of mindset to exist. I am pretty sure your husband is back peddling and dancing whatever dance it will take to get you to agree with him all is well.

i hope you will stick around and continue to post here where it is safe for you to be. For now, why not give getting back together a rest, and proceed in taking care of YOU? I doubt in two weeks you have been able to recover from this violation. You really need to be somewhere that you aren't walking on eggshells while you recover.