CaveGirl

Many years ago I was in a DV relationship with an alcholic recreational drug user... I stayed. I "made him" sober up... He was sober for several years but while he never hit me again he was still emotionally abusive until he met someone else and left me. I didn't leave. I don't know why to this day.

Therapy really helped me move on from it... But to this day I barely remember my 20s because I blocked it all out.

Please go talk to a therapist, trusted friend or clergy and get yourself safe.

Once they abuse they always abuse... Physically or not. Took many years to get my esteem back.

aliciagr

I can't believe this is so common. I'm grateful but shocked reading your replies. Wisconsin yours are sticking out to me. I'm not sure how I'm feeling but maybe I do need to do more by talking to a therapist or dv person. I feel strange. I havent minimized it I didnt think but what if I am ? But I also dont want to make this into something its not . Not sure anyone can relate? I do love him and I want our marriage to work but Im confused now on how to get there. Can a DV trace me. I need this to be private. Do they ask for your name and info?

aliciagr

We are supposed to spend time together tomorrow and go to church together on sunday. It will be mostly all out in public and I will see how hes doing in person.

AnvilheadII

the DV group will PROTECT your privacy, at all costs.

when you say - make this into something it's not - what do you mean? if it had been ANY other MAN who made sexual advances and you said NO and they did not STOP - what would you call it then? or if it happened to your sister, or niece, or best friend............

maia1234

A,
Good for you for reaching out. I know this could be very overwhelming reading these posts. You came here for a "date" on when "we" felt it would be safe to enter the home again, and this is what you get. I know this is not what you expected. We all care about your safety!!!

This forum has seen many people physically assaulted by their boyfriends, or spouses. I know that you feel that he "wouldn't" do that again, but you can't be sure, you couldn't stop him the other two times. What would you say to your "daughter" who was assaulted by her husband, twice? Would you tell her to go back after two weeks of therapy, that you think he is sober and she should be safe. Think about that. Also, have you ever thought about reaching out to a previous girl friend and ask her if he ever "raped" them? This probably is not his first.

I am sure your self esteem is very low right now. You love your husband and "hope" that he will not do this again, but right now it is not SAFE for you to be around him, especially alone in a home. I know you need to move, can you find another place to go?

He needs a lot more therapy then 2 weeks of maybe a therapist, and he is still drinking. Please love yourself enough to know that he is sick and you can't help him. I'm not saying to press charges, I am saying you need to stay safe, at what ever costs that might take!!

Hugs my friend, please read around this forum and ask questions. You are not alone as we can help you. Take your time and make the right decisions. Don't let him pressure you into anything that would jeopardize your safety!!

Wisconsin

Alicia, DV is confidential. You do not have to give them any information you don't want to give them. That said, they do not report to the government (unless they are mandated to report child abuse)--their job is to help you, and support you however you need it. IF you decide to file any sort of a report, they will assist you. They can help you understand your options in terms of separating for awhile, and they can assist you with finding a counselor for yourself who is experienced with helping women in your situation.

I was never the victim of physical or sexual violence in my marriage. But many, many of our members have, and every single story breaks my heart. Including your story. The very best thing you can do for yourself right now is to keep your focus on YOU, and your own emotional well-being. Your husband is going to do whatever he will do. He will drink, or he won't drink. He will do drugs, or he won't do drugs. He will seek meaningful recovery, or he won't. He will abuse you, or he won't. All you can concern yourself with is what YOU are going to do.

Hang in there. I hope you stay with us, and keep us posted. And remember--you don't have to make a decision about the future today. Or tomorrow. Just focus on making the next right decision for yourself.

Liveitwell

I think you need to stop seeing him and work on YOU. Continuing to see him only allows him the chance to lie and show you his fake self ("look!!! I've changed!!) so you take him back. Just my two cents. If he has any shred of truth in his stories, he would understand if you said NO and give you space.
(But like you already have seen, telling him
No doesn't work. I hurt for you bc I've been there)

Take care of yourself.

aliciagr

Its a shock to see people feel so strongly and to find others who have been abused with drugs playing a part. I didnt find that much on the abuse sites.

I am confused but I promise I will consider calling the DV or finding my own therapist before I make any promises to him or decisions for me.

He has zero history of violence or abuse. Hes my best friend and always loving and gentle with me. Always. This happened and with signs I saw in his behavior I knew it was a relapse and he finally admitted it. I never saw proof except his eyes and knowing a little what he was like before.

Thank you all. I dont think I can read more right now, its a lot to hear all of you with abuse stories like mine.

redatlanta

I'm sure its a lot to take in. How long have you been married Alicia? Was your husband sober when you met?

aliciagr

Almost 3 years and he has not been using drugs but he has drank some but never an issue

When we met he was sober and coming off some bad times and was fresh at it, but i didnt understand back then, He overdosed while we were dating, and then went into therapy. He did that and it helped him. Things have been better and better with us and him alone.

We moved recently, a lot of changes and stress. Think thats how it started again.

LexieCat

I don't think anyone here is saying he's a monster. And not every person who commits an act like this is a classic "abuser." It DOES sound as if he's minimizing his own actions--"I'm sorry, but."

Here are a few things you DO know. He's not behaving like a clean/sober person would. He's physically and emotionally harmed you (whether his intent was to "harm you" or not).

I've worked professionally in the field of domestic violence for many years, and also with intimate partner sexual abuse. I don't work directly with victims, but I train police, advocates, and prosecutors how to handle these cases. I do know that rape causes trauma to all parts of your "system." It takes time for that to heal. I also know that your husband's attitude that he doesn't have to listen to you during sex is all too common. And it IS a form of abuse. I also know that adding a drug/alcohol problem to the mix is a recipe for disaster.

Many advocates (you can find one by calling your local women's shelter) are trained to help with risk assessment. I can tell you that almost any measure of risk shows an increased risk when the offender has a drug/alcohol problem.

You do NOT need to report the rape to get help from an advocate. Anything you tell them is completely confidential and they will not try to "make" you report it. Their main concern will be to keep you safe and help you to heal. Please call and talk to one.

Liveitwell

Just to clarify something in your last post-the stress of whatever did NOT cause him to act this way and relapse-the fact that he is an addict and cannot deal with life on life's terms IS the reason he is the way he is and why he reacted this way. Everyone had stress and really bad times-nobody is spared those in life-but it comes down to how you cope. He's an addict so he copes by getting high-and stress is just another excuse. Try reading the stickies at the top of the forum home page....I think they'll be educational and eye opening for you.

aliciagr

Thanks for all he dv information

I think his coping skills are good overall. Its not for me to say how he was exposed to the drug and began again. His alcohol use hasnt been a problem all this time until he combined with cocaine. He doesnt fit the pattern of addict taking whatever to cope. He did a lot of work a few years ago but this is something he will always be susceptible to especially if conditions all line up. More will come out about how he got started again but for now I'm not pressing him on it. It happened now its got to be dealt with. And until it is, ive got to protect myself.

Liveitwell

^ great thinking-that's all you have control over-protecting yourself. Hugs and peace to you!

Bekindalways

Welcome Ali. I am so very glad you found us.

I can't tell you how glad I am that you got yourself out of the situation also that you refused to answer the phone when he was using. Reading your last line in your post above was a relief to me. Please, please do everything you can to protect yourself as you said.

If you can at all process what the others have said (along with what has just happened), then your world is probably turning upside down. I am so very sorry to say that what everyone has communicated is correct.

It is possible that he will find a way into recovery and you both can heal from this. I do hope this for you however, the saying here is, "Hope is not a plan.".

All of us here have dealt with the consequences of loving an addict; it is painful beyond belief.

May every angel in the universe dive bomb you and may courage, strength and grace be yours.

MAYA1

Hi Alicia, sorry to hear what brought u here. I have never been abused or attacked by my ex addict boyfriend, but part of your story sounds like mine. My ex was generous, gentle, funny educated and had a good job. We were good friends I would say. Until one day he started mixing alcohol with Xanax, cocaine and whatever else. I was a bit scared of him (lucky he didn't hurt me) and I thought this was just period where he is too stressed - his father was dying. I was being "there" for him for 6 months durung this bad time (he was 100% sober in between those six months for approx 3months, it makes it 3mnths of hell).

Anyway, I haven't seen or talked to him now for 9 weeks. Finally I am authentic myself and I can't believe I stayed in so long. I can see how much emotional abuse i went through and somehow accepted that. At least take some time no see no talk then u decide, please. I'm sure ull see things differently after 2-6 months (like us here).

I recently also learned that my ex has done those things in the past (relapse, destroys all he has, block the person he lived with and start "fresh" with someone new... the NEW person is like new drug - excitement, high feeling g of being in love, that person is fully open minded as they don't know his past and potential red flags...) the high can take for 6 months or 5 years but IT WILL COME. and that person is going set to go through hell.

I was with my ex for 2 years and then those 6 months. I helped him get sober (he kept relapsing massively) and I let him move country for new great job to start fresh. Then from the distance I could see the craziness in his thinking affected by past drug abuse. I broke up with him. Now we are not in touch for 2 months and he seemed to find new girlfriend ( after only 2 months!!) she seems very nice, kind of intelligent human being with honest eyes. She seems just like me.

I won't get involved, but I'm sorry for her because she is not aware that her new amazing boyfriend was locked at psych.ward 3 months ago. He does look good now, we'll dressed and great great job. He is lovely ilussion and granate that Will one day loose it.

Please, take care of yourself. I'm sure I wouldn't notice if my ex came to church on decent amount of cocaine.

Jaguar55

The abuse in my relationship with my ABF began with him raping me after I said no. That was over 12 years ago. If only I had left then. Each year we were together things got worse. Even though he had extensive periods of sobriety, 6 months, 18 months, he always went back to the alcohol and each time the abuse grew worse, more violent and dangerous. So.......stay away for now and maybe stay away forever. Do not rush back, do not be so quick to forgive, time and space will tell...

redatlanta

As an outsider this says a lot to me about his history. I think it would be very beneficial to you to spend some time educating about alcoholism/addiction. Treatment of addiction is twofold, one part is putting the substance down. The other part is dealing with the brain and reprogramming it. Its a lifelong exercise. One does not occur without the other. There are people whom cease drinking/drugging but do not work on the much harder aspect of recovery which is dealing with the obsession. There are addicts that can go long periods of time with out drinking or drugging that aren't really sober. We refer to these folks as "dry drunks" although its applicable to drug users as well.

Your husband sounds to me what I consider an addict who may not have truly accepted he has a problem, and is trying to moderate. This is common. That doesn't mean he wont admit that he went overboard. They can go Periods of time without using, though the obsession is always there. The periods of time without use is twisted into proof that they don't have a problem - at least not the way a deep level addict does whom can't stop. It appears that when things go south your husband will go to therapy, then come out on the other side. Only at a later date to repeat the cycle again. This is NOT a sober, recovered, person.

We use a phrase around here "More will be revealed" I think there is much more here than you know. My guess would be he has been using before you ever picked up on it.

He did a lot of work a few years ago but this is something he will always be susceptible to especially if conditions all line up. Whoa, life is a rollercoaster - the whole point of recovery is to NOT be susceptible. Its an excuse. There are so many patterns of addiction one size does not fit all. Addiction also is not based on stress, or "taking whatever to cope". Certainly, substances can and are used as avoidance of a multiple of things, but that doesn't make someone and alcoholic or an addict. Additionally, addicts don't always relapse because something BAD or STRESSFUL has happened. They often times relapse because things are going great, or the sky is blue, or or they got a promotion, or they got a speeding ticket. Relapse happens way before they pick up, and it happens when they stop their daily work on recovery.