From "Love over addiction" by Michelle Lisa Anderson
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Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Texas
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From "Love over addiction" by Michelle Lisa Anderson
Love this blogger and inspiring writer. She left her addicted husband and moved onto a much better life and marriage....but her focus is solely on us, the spouses, and US getting better. Her group years ago was my first foray into "I control my reaction and my reaction matters to me, regardless if what he does. My actions show my love of myself (or not for a long time). " and "why do I feel crazy?!", etc.
Thought it was a great read, regardless of where we are in our respective recoveries. It's full of great stuff we can apply in all parts of our lives, not just with our A's. Here ya go:
I believe in being gentle, compassionate and loving…with myself. And I want you to do the same.
Loving an alcoholic or substance abuser can wreck your self esteem.
Loving an alcoholic or substance abuser can feel like a roller coaster ride. Full of highs (when he promises to stop drinking) and lows (when he leaves for the bar or comes home with a six pack). And on top of all that – they blame you.
This disease usually denies responsibility for drinking too much or using drugs and is constantly lashing out and using situations as excuses for their bad choices.
Let me remind you my wonderful friend, you are not crazy. You did nothing to cause this disease. You are a beautiful, loving woman.
You might be wondering…
Is your reaction (when he's been drinking) normal?
If you love an alcoholic and are feeling infuriated, like you are coming unglued inside… that's normal.
If you are feeling like crawling up in a ball on the bathroom floor and crying for hours. That's normal.
If you deeply love him even after he's broken your heart for the hundredth time by drinking or using drugs. That's normal too.
It's all part of loving a very sick man with the disease of alcoholism or addiction.
But here's one thing I want to make sure you don't feel…
Guilt.
When he rejects you by stopping at the bar instead of coming home to be with you. Or when he doesn't show up at the kid's soccer game and leaves you cheering for your child alone. Or when he calls you awful names – your reaction matters. It counts.
Not because you need to respect him, but because you need to respect yourself.
So by all means cry, scream, fall apart. But do it with grace and do it alone.
Don't let your children see you fight. Their home is already scary with Dad's drinking. Don't belittle yourself by causing a scene in public.
In other words…
Don't do anything that you can beat yourself up about later.
Learning to have a healthy reaction to his drinking or drug use is the key to being gentle with yourself.
Get to a safe place and then let it all go.
If you resist the urge to "let him have it" you can't beat yourself up or feel guilty for your reactions later.
You can't punish yourself for coming unglued.
You can find your healing in stepping away from his craziness and praying, breathing deeply, reading your bible, going for a walk or joining the Love Over Addiction program and letting us encourage you!
This is hard, I'm not going to lie.
But learning to be gentle with yourself while loving an alcoholic is the fastest way to heal and shut down the lies this disease tries to make us feel.
You are a kind, loving woman. And that's the truth.
Thought it was a great read, regardless of where we are in our respective recoveries. It's full of great stuff we can apply in all parts of our lives, not just with our A's. Here ya go:
I believe in being gentle, compassionate and loving…with myself. And I want you to do the same.
Loving an alcoholic or substance abuser can wreck your self esteem.
Loving an alcoholic or substance abuser can feel like a roller coaster ride. Full of highs (when he promises to stop drinking) and lows (when he leaves for the bar or comes home with a six pack). And on top of all that – they blame you.
This disease usually denies responsibility for drinking too much or using drugs and is constantly lashing out and using situations as excuses for their bad choices.
Let me remind you my wonderful friend, you are not crazy. You did nothing to cause this disease. You are a beautiful, loving woman.
You might be wondering…
Is your reaction (when he's been drinking) normal?
If you love an alcoholic and are feeling infuriated, like you are coming unglued inside… that's normal.
If you are feeling like crawling up in a ball on the bathroom floor and crying for hours. That's normal.
If you deeply love him even after he's broken your heart for the hundredth time by drinking or using drugs. That's normal too.
It's all part of loving a very sick man with the disease of alcoholism or addiction.
But here's one thing I want to make sure you don't feel…
Guilt.
When he rejects you by stopping at the bar instead of coming home to be with you. Or when he doesn't show up at the kid's soccer game and leaves you cheering for your child alone. Or when he calls you awful names – your reaction matters. It counts.
Not because you need to respect him, but because you need to respect yourself.
So by all means cry, scream, fall apart. But do it with grace and do it alone.
Don't let your children see you fight. Their home is already scary with Dad's drinking. Don't belittle yourself by causing a scene in public.
In other words…
Don't do anything that you can beat yourself up about later.
Learning to have a healthy reaction to his drinking or drug use is the key to being gentle with yourself.
Get to a safe place and then let it all go.
If you resist the urge to "let him have it" you can't beat yourself up or feel guilty for your reactions later.
You can't punish yourself for coming unglued.
You can find your healing in stepping away from his craziness and praying, breathing deeply, reading your bible, going for a walk or joining the Love Over Addiction program and letting us encourage you!
This is hard, I'm not going to lie.
But learning to be gentle with yourself while loving an alcoholic is the fastest way to heal and shut down the lies this disease tries to make us feel.
You are a kind, loving woman. And that's the truth.
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Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 171
She's got some good stuff! I was relieved when I dug around further and found that she had divorced the alcoholic and moved on. I wasn't going to trust anything she had to say because it sounded too "perfect" at first....but now all of it makes sense because she did pack up and leave.
Sue
Sue
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Texas
Posts: 2,872
^ yep, I was leery at first too. She actually still receives phone calls from her ex from time to time and just prays for him. Her kids volunteer at a rehab center....she's walking the walk, not just talking the talk. Love her. She's a shining example of recovery and paying it forward to help others!
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