Lopezland

My husband is almost 90 days sober so he he is new in his recovery. But my question is how much do I push when I need to talk with him about unpleasant things like...finances.
I am personally pulling the load of our finances and bills while he is out of a job and when I tell him I need to talk he says he is supposed to 'walk away' from negativity. I understand that in a way but also feel neglected because I want to talk with him. Can anyone help with how much I should push with this situation or just let it go?

MsPINKAcres

First of all congrats to your AH on 90 days ~ that's great for him.
I'm glad you are reaching out for help for you too - it's a win/win with both parties are working on "recovery" in an alcoholic family -

In my experience, my loved ones have also avoided discussing things because of the stress and maybe I avoided it because of that "fear of relapse" . . .
what I learned was . . .
I didn't cause it
I can't control it
I can't cure it
Whether I discuss a stressful matter or not - that will not be their reason to drink/use. .
There is a difference between negativity and responsibility ~
The adults in the home are responsible for the finances and should discuss in a calm manner how to handle those finances.
"negativity" to me is "you never help" "you always are doing this wrong" "you" "you type of sentences"
A huge difference in my thinking

Maybe you can schedule a non-stressful time to discuss the finances? (if there is such a time - lol)

wishing you the best!

Pink hugs! (hope, unity, gratitude & serenity)

Lopezland

Thank you! That is very helpful!!!

redatlanta

MsPink Acres gave great advice - approach it as responsibility rather than negativity. A big negative would be ending up in a bad financial situation that could have been avoided.

Life doesn't stop when getting sober.

ALinNS

My first question would be is he working a program.

I would suggest one step at a time so that he is not overwhelmed and life is what it is, finances play a key role and we need to work with our partner to ensure needs and payments are met.

Maybe find some reading material for him to at least get him thinking.

Andrew

tomsteve

welp, from me being a recovering alcoholic, avoiding responsabilities and avoiding negativity are 2 seperate things.
calling a discussion about finances negativity would be me copping out on my responsabilities.
however

im not too sure about "pushing" a subject on anyone.

totfit

Glad your husband has 90 days. I am not sure about the "I am supposed to walk away from negativity". You should not have to walk on egg shells. In fact it can be counter-productive. At 90 days he should be able to face normal household conversations. Certainly, he may be uncomfortable about financial matters and his being unemployed, but you wanting to discuss things is not "negativity", but reality. Don't enable him to fall in the trap of using "recovery" as an "excuse" to do or not do things. That would not be helpful to either of you. You have to live your life without worrying about the impact on him all the time. Wish you the best.

AnvilheadII

i guess maybe it would help for you to have a clear idea of WHAT it is specifically you need to TALK about. what is the goal of the conversation, what do you NEED from him.

as he is out of work, is he actively seeking employment? is he contributing in other ways around the house? are expenses under control, as much as possible?

yes 90 days is VERY early recovery, but the point of recovery is to RETURN to the real work and become a responsible productive citizen.

NYCDoglvr

If you can talk without being judgemental or blaming, it shouldn't be a problem. Keep it simple and only address items that are imminent, nothing long range this early. Like this month's bills. And instead of calling them problems, approach with a solution in mind. In six months approach long term issues.

You may be harboring a resentment (with good reason!) but try to keep it in check for the time being.

hopeful4

Negativity and responsibilities are not the same.

AnvilheadII

RETURN to the real work and become a responsible productive citizen.

REAL WORLD.....

Lopezland

I agre with many of you. I don't feel a discussion about finances and bills are negative. But I do know that particular subject stresses my husband out.
He is in the process of applying for disability for meinere's disease but I have heard that it can take several years to be approved. And like you suggest I can't live walking on eggshells all my life. And being scared about what I can or can not discuss with him. He does help out around the house and takes care of things there while I am at work and yes I do have some resentment about the problems he has put our family through and the cost of all his problems have caused.
But I want to support him in his recovery and let life return to normal once again.

maia1234

LL,
Just from reading your comments, are you seeing a therapist or attending any support groups? I feel the resentment and I am sure it is just. But I hate to say this is a family disease and you become as sick as him. You have a lot of responsibility on you and you probably could use some support from people who understand, because eventually you will blow. If he is getting healthy and you aren't how will your marriage survive?

I am happy for you that your husband is sober, but at what point does he need to step up and take responsibility for his life. Sobriety is about growing up, sobering up and working a program. Is he doing that?

Hugs my friend, take care of you and things will fall into place as they should.

SolidKarma

Hi LL,

I'm sorry that I don't have any good advice to give, but I just wanted to tell you this post really tore at my heart. You must really love your husband to acknowledge the wrongs he's done and still fully support him. I have a lot of respect for you.

Take the advice from people here and take care of yourself in this process. You deserve a healthy and happy life, as does your husband.

Good luck,

Lopezland

Thanks again everyone. Yes he is in a program and I am in counseling because I want to learn to let go of my anger and fear of the future. I just pray that we can keep at this and keep things together for our boys as well.