Mimi9013

Hello, it's been several months(maybe even a year) since I posted, but here I am
A couple weeks ago AH and I had a discussion in which I told him I really think he needs to go to the doctor. His eyes are turning yellow, and his belly is slightly distended. He chalked it up to gaining weight and working overnight, but said he would go to the doctor. I didn't get my hopes up because he always just tells me what I want to hear so the discussions are quickly diffused. My mom asked me if I made an appointment for him yet, which I replied with a resounding no, that is not my responsibility...He is a grown man. She fought with me, telling me it is my "wifely duty" and that "men just don't do that". I dropped it because I didn't want to argue about it. I think maybe in a healthy relationship/marriage, that would be acceptable if the husband said he needed to go to the doctor for ____, but I am not in a healthy marriage. My husband thinks if he goes 3 days without drinking, he's obviously not an alcoholic, even if he drinks a 12 pack on each of the other days. So what do you think? I feel like if I called, it'd be codependent behavior.

Ariesagain

If you called, would he show up?

I guess you could ask him if he wanted you to make the appointment. If he says he'll do it, let it go?

FWIW, the phrase "wifely duty" makes me throw up just a little, not least because I so rarely hear "husbandly duty" by comparison. As in, never.

Wisconsin

I'm with you. It's his job to make the appointment. Wifely duty? No way. Where would that wifely duty end? Would you have a wifely duty to "force" him to go to the appointment? A wifely duty to call the office to report to them symptoms you have seen, because you don't think your AH will tell them? (For the record, I TOTALLY did that once, and it was crazy.)

You have voiced your concern to your AH about his health. In my opinion, that's where the road ends (unless there is a medical emergency and you need to call 911).

atalose

Think beyond the phone call to set up an appointment………….what is your plan? Tie him up, throw him in the back seat of your car and drag him into the Dr.’s office?

Just like you can’t make him stop drinking you can’t force him to go see a Dr. sorry Mimi it just doesn’t work that way.

In the year since you posted have you gone to al-anon or any therapy to help YOU?

Looks like your mom is trying to instill codie behaviors onto you.

jada1981

No, you do not have a duty to call and make an appointment for him. He is a grown man who needs to take care of his own health! And as for your mom, is she codependent as well? Seems like something my mother would do...try to tell me what I should be doing, when I'm a grown woman.

MsPINKAcres

my rule is am I doing something for someone they could be doing for themselves??

Your husband is capable but unwilling

You are powerless

Sorry you have to watch someone you love not take care of themselves - that is heartbreaking ~

gentle pink hugs

Mimi9013

Aries(I'm an Aries too )-I almost threw up when she said that! She did a lot of that stuff for my step dad, but he was an over the road trucker...and not an addict of any sort.
Wisconsin-that's exactly what I said. He wouldn't go unless I "made" him. He has never been to any sort of doctor in the six years we've been together, so I don't expect him to start now. He's a smooth talker and a manipulater...and my mom is codie for him. Barf.

Atalose- I think that's what she would have me do. She is ACOA, but doesn't think she needs any help getting over her codie ways. I went to alanon for a year, got off schedule with work and my daughter being sick a couple weeks, and haven't been since...October? I'm going back TONIGHT!! HALLELUJAH!!! I love my alanon family, and I can feel myself slipping back into old habits...while new situations arise(I'm pretty sure AH is trying to isolate me:says he doesn't think my friends like him, and wants to move 45 min from anyone I know), so I need them back!!! Obviously my mom isn't the greatest source for wisdom in this situation!

healthyagain

He is not your child. His a grown man. It is his very own duty to take care of his own health. And as others pointed out, even if you do make that phone call, even if you do make an appointment, how do you plan to take him to the doctor? Tie him up and put him in a trunk?

Believe it or not, there ARE men who take care of their health.

Your behavior is not codependent, but what your mom suggests certainly is.

Nero427

Back in the day, I would mention an ailment to my xaw and she would make an appointment for me, knowing full well I tend to drag my feet and suffer silently. Because she cared.

But you're in a whole nother situation, and It's his responsibility.

Mimi9013

Nero- I think if he said ooo this is bugging me, or I think something is wrong, I would be more willing to possibly making him an appt. But, he just said "if you want me to go to the Dr, I'll go", and that tells me he is just trying to shut me up.

dandylion

Mimi....what is your greatest goal or concern....as the bottom line.
Is it your husband's health and the possible outcome of it for your family...or, is it to "settle a score" with your mother?
Just for the record....there are millions of stable and functional marriages where one does certain "jobs" and the other one does other "jobs".
Yes, I often made appointments for my husband before he died.
And....he took care of all of the "car" issues. He also carried in the groceries and went to "pick up" the animals that had gotten killed by a car (I was so distraught and devastated)....
We were each capable of any of those duties...so, some could say that we were co-dependent on each other.
But, it was just more practical and common sense to do it that way...
Now, I will say that my husband was co-operative....I am in the medical field, and he went when I said that I felt that he needed to, He tru sted me on that count.

If your husband is stubborn (or too scared)...and digs in his heels...then, ultimately, you can't control him......and, you have done what you can do if he won't budge.

I will share a story about what my mother did with my step-father, once when he was having severe back pain and balked at going to the doctor.
She asked him about his "end of life issues"......like, how much life insurance he had through his work.....what kind of funeral music he wanted to be played....who he wanted to have his precious posessions (like his specialty tools).....etc.
LOL...he finally agreed to see the doctor.
The finish of this story is that he had an abdominal aneurysm pressin on his back and ended up having surgery for it. Turns out that the aneurysm was quite large and was beginning to dissect (hence the pain). The surgeon told my mother that he was a "lucky man" to have come when he did..

now, I think that the moral to that story is: You can lead a horse to water but, you can't make them drink....but, on occasion you CAN put salt in the oats.....

You are long past your mother in making decisions about your life. You can discuss things with her, of course...but, the final decisions lie with you. It is wasted effort to stew about it.
It is not uncommon for grown women to not agree with their mother's view on things. Such is life.....
I think the major conflict is between you and your husband.....

You can say that his health issues are his..and therefore of no concern to you....and no jury on earth would convict you.....you have the right to take any stance you want with that....

This is what I would say to you...that his current state of health sounds quite serious, to me....and, as such, will, ultimately have a great impact on your life.....

I suggest that you start making plans for your future....and, I wouldn't be shy of letting him know that, if it were me.....

It isn't me, of course,,,,lol.....
I just wanted to share my thoughts with you, on this.....

dandylion

atalose

Mini,

So glad to hear you are heading back to Al-anon. It’s so easy for us to get off track and easier to fall back into old unhealthy ways of approaching life.

Good to know you see that he would like to isolate you away from friends/family/support.

healthyagain

I think there should be a fine line drawn between codependency and interdependency. Codependency is unhealthy. Interdependency is healthy and desirable in a marriage. It is based on reciprocity. Codependency is one sided.

What triggered me in your post is the term "wifely duty." Duty . . . this "duty" followed blindly, sacrificing oneself, while the other side does not show any willingness to seek help is codependency.

alcoholics wife

I'm in a similar situation. My AH drinks 8-15 beer a night regularly. He now admits to having a problem (willing to go into rehab next month), but somehow he thinks that "he isn't that bad of an alcoholic" because he has stopped on his own cold turkey for a few months. I'm hopeful that rehab will open up his realization of the lies he tells himself as an alcoholic.
I too suggest to him that he should go to a doctor to check his health. The last time he went to the doctor (which was on his own because of a rash), his doctor was the one to bring up his drinking and was concerned about his health so gave him a lab requisition to get his liver checked out. That lab requisition is still sitting around and I doubt he will go on his own to get his liver checked out. I am unwilling to keep pestering about it or making an appointment for him because a) I'm not his mother b) I don't feel like it's my responsibility

My mom too has an opinion that wives should book doctors appointments because it's more of the feminine role to take on. I think it's just a difference of generations where women took care of the house chores and men took care of paying the bills.

AnvilheadII

ok, so bigger picture here, since his declining health is obvious, what do YOU plan to do for YOU here if he continues to refuse treatment or medical aid? things can go from BAD to WORSE overnight - OR - they can drag out like this for another 10 years.

Mimi9013

Yes! That is what I tried to explain to my mom, but I'm sure having grown up in a similar situation as I am now in has swayed her response. My grandma never went to alanon, my grandpa didn't work, just sat and drank(he did clean), and she did everything else for him. He died a terrible death, one that I want so badly to prevent in my AH, but I can see him heading down the same path.

bluelily

My XAbf told me over and over about my "girlfriendly duties", which in the beginning I took as a joke but then realized he seriously expected me to do loads of practical things for him, more and more each time. My mom was outraged when I told her about it, and now that I´ve stepped back I am too.

I think there is a great danger with As of taking over all their worldly tasks, even things as simple as making a doctor´s appointment (I did that too for him) because that is what they probably want - someone to take care of reality while they can devote all their time and energy to drinking.
So perhaps if you were involved with a healthy guy it wouldn´t be a problem to make a phone call for him as a favor (he would also be doing things for you too), but not with an A because then he would start taking advantage of your good disposition.

hopeful4

Ha. Your wifely duty? Nope.

It's one thing to tell him he's not looking too hot, quite another to set up the appointment and take charge.

If he is concerned he will get himself to the doctor.

Liveitwell

God this reminds me of my ex in laws. Enable and codependence to death. Literally. I was told my widely duty was hundreds of thinfs from keeping my poor little hubby happy all the time, to letting him tie one off whenever he felt like it, to.......all from mommy dearest. My duty as a wife was to love him, which does not include enabling. Enabling isn't love.

This was me, too-I made my ex get a liver test a couple of years ago after he had shared he was coughing up blood. I was livid. He went but would not share the results of his tests with me. That made me more livid. In rehab over a year and a half ago he got a whole battery of tests (supposedly) and swore up and down the moment the dr gave him his test results he would pass them onto me. Uh huh. Never saw those results. My point is this.....it doesn't matter what you to do try and make them see, they won't see unless they want to see. Even if you made the appt, took him to the dr, he gets horrible news....then what? Well, if he's anything like my ex or any other alcoholic, he gets drunk....and you wonder what YOU did wrong. Classic codependence.

Let him be the big grown man he thinks he is.

dandylion

mimi....lol..anvilhead said it is far fewer words than I. There is a bigger picture here....

dandylion