Kata

Confused, I don't have a lot of experience on the subject... Actually, I have no experience with an A coming home from rehab and all that it entails. However, I have to agree with what Dandy said. Your wife has a right to handle things her way, just as you have the right to handle things your way.

You have been through a lot (and the kids too) in that situation, and yes, you have every right to feel like she is 100% at fault. You have every right to not trust your wife, to be angry, to feel anxious. And your resentment is justified.

But, just as your feelings are justified, your wife feelings are too. At this point, she has every right to deal with her recovery in the manner that works for her. She has every right to go at her own pace and deal with things on her own time. Rehab is a closed environment where you aren't face with "real life issues" it is also a place where you only have yourself to deal with. Now, she's in the real world and will have to deal with all that living in the real world entails.

As I said, you have your own feelings and issues to deal with, and they are your priority. You also said that you've learned that anger and resentment are poison for you. I would like to add that not only are the poison for you, they are also poison to the healthiest of relationship.

My point is, if you are still dealing with these feelings, and you are unsure about having your wife back home at this point, maybe you should look into living separatly for a while.

That way, you would be able to dea with and worked through your feelings and your anxiety at your own pace and on your own time, in a peaceful environment.

And your wife can do the same for her recovery.

I guess the question is: Do you think that, at this point, you can live with your wife without becore angrier and more resentful? Do you think that, for now, it's possible for you to live with your live and work on your feelings and get better?


Both you and your wife are in a "vulnerable" state right now, and it won't help anybody if you stay in a situation that's not conducive to getting better.

confused0507

I think we could live together, but there would be doubt, untrust, and eggshell walking, this happened for around a year after she finally stopped drinking the last time. Not too long after, she started using medication in place of alcohol. This time will most likely be longer. I also will not accept another relapse. So I'm confused as to where that puts me. Makes me feel kookoo for sure.

maia1234

C,
There is no reason for you to go kookoo. The reason I was so tough on you, as I didn't want you to sabotage her recovery before it even took hold. Addicts say " I will never know what it is like to be bipolar and you will never know what it is like to be an addict." If she was posting on the new to recovery forum, about what was happening in your home, the sober A's would tell her to leave the home. They would say that your sobriety is top priority of her life, and she had to protect it at all costs. Even giving up her home, husband and kids, because what good is she. She can't be a mom or a wife if she can't take care of herself. It is again very selfish and sucks but it is what they need to do. In the end your wife is a child of God and she is not yours to fix.

With that said about her, what are you doing for you? In alanon we learn to set up boundaries for ourselves and kids. You continue to educate yourself about our own short comings, how you enabled her, how you weren't the best partner. All the things that we are learning about what we did wrong in this marriage. (If I could only take back all the crazy a$$ things I did over my 34 years with my AXH, and not one thing worked to get him in to recovery). You need to explain to her when things calm down that "you cannot live with or around active addiction anymore". This will be your plan, such as I will remove myself and the kids from our home, I will file for divorce, as there are no more chances. You do not need to give her the list, you just have have a plan. If she fails, you follow through with what you want to do. You don't get angry, You do what you have to.No fights, just move forward with your plan. But with you working on your recovery, you will be strong enough to execute your plan, and feel comfortable that you did all you could do, in a healthy fashion to save your marriage.

I read this earlier today from an addict, as this pertains to us codies just as much "I'm not where I want to be, but I'm not where I used to be, and I accept where I am today, and take small steps for my future. I hope that my higher power gives me strength to correct the areas of myself, and my life that are still wrong today."

Hugs my friend, thank you for continually reading and helping yourself to truly be a better husband, father and man!! One last quote from SR "The energy it takes to endure withdrawal to an addictive relationship is equivalent to working a full time job."

confused0507

Actually maia, we Jay talked and we are moving forward as a family unit. Allot of what you said before and now make allot of sense. I was trying to sabotage her recovery. We had been home for less than 24 hours and...I was. She deserves to get better and me too, and we are going to do it as a unit.

Thank you everyone for your thoughts and advice!

maia1234

C-
I can feel your heart has softened and the "meanness" has subsided (today).

Keep posting my friend, your future happiness has such possibilities.

Here is another post from SR that I have posted at my desk "God didn't need me after all, as he can handle each and every addict on the planet who cries out for his help. "

Hugs my friend, I am so happy that you are starting to "understand"!!

dandylion

Confused.....I hope that you don't use this as a reason not to persue working on your own recovery program....because, the marriages that do make it seem to be the ones where both partners work on recovery and make the necessary changes. If one does...and, the other doesn't.....well---you know the story,,,,,

dandylion

Hawkeye13

I have been on both sides of the fence--recovering alcoholic,
and I dealt with an alcoholic mother who came home out of rehab.

Although I agree that compassion is important,
I also think that first drink is always a choice,
and the drinker is fully accountable for what they did
before and after rehab.

So take care of you Confused, and your kids, and don't
just stomp your own feelings to preserve hers.
She put you and your family through incredible pain,
and there is a price to be paid in terms of trust and right action.

So far she's talked a good game, but I would actively pursue
my own recovery and see what actual actions she takes in the next
few weeks.

If she isn't aggressively working on herself and her recovery,
I would still consider separation for a few months to give both
of you a chance.
If things start going South, sooner then later.

That said, I truly hope you both heal and can reunite in a healthy way.

Praying

I just want to share that I think you'll have more bouts and flares of anger...

For me, when that happened I felt it was righteous--because of course he deserved my anger...but when I lifted the blanket and explored it more deeply, it was anger at ME BEING STUCK IN THIS SITUATION. Anger at me...and at me not making choices I wasn't making available because I'm a "good wife" and "good mother", so they were off the table...so I was stuck...and I resented the heck out of him for it. And was angry, angry, angry.

As you try to be the best husband and dad you can be...don't lose sight of your needs and where any anger may come from.

Once I freed myself I realized just how much healthier I felt overall. It wasn't a forever decision when I first made it--just a "healthier for now" decision that was not only OKAY, but healthier for ALL of us.

Nothing is forever unless you keep choosing it every day. Allow yourself the change as your needs change, and you will do well.

Hugs to you, I'm glad you're having a better day!

Turtle76

Hi confused. I too am navigating a partner newly out of rehab. He has been out for 6 weeks. I just want to share my experience right now. He moved right back in with me after rehab and it was very stressful. While he was away, I had created a peaceful environment after years of chaos. It was refreshing. I wasn't walking on eggshells and having to take care of him and worry every day. Once home, my peaceful environment was slipping away however. I hovered, questioned (whether openly or secretly), tried to control everything. I was going crazy. We argued alot and felt generally uncomfortable around each other, especially the first 2 weeks. It just wasn't enough time for me to come to terms with everything and get to a healthy place where we could live together yet. I too am holding onbto alot of resentment. The universe works in mysterious ways, and because of medical reasons, he left town to his parents house for the next month or 2. We skype, text, and talk all day. I still see us as a unit. Actually, a healthier unit right now, because neither one of us is going crazy. We have the space we need to do the work that is necessary for each of us to recover. We are having some of the deepest and most emotionally cathartic conversations of our relationship right now... physically apart. I don't think that would happen if we were in each others business all the time, living in the same house, constantly trying to gauge the others mood. While I was upset that he had to leave town, it turns out it was the best thing that could happen. I am not suggesting this is how it has to happen for you, but just letting you know how it is for us right now. Just because you are physically separated, does not mean you are not a unit. In some cases, it is how the unit ultimately can become stronger. Just some food for thought.

dandylion

Turtle....those who know me, here on SR...know that I frequently say that I think there should be a "law" that the alcoholic live separate from their loved ones for the first year of recovery.....lol.....
for the very reasons that you have so eloquently described.....

I know that it is more difficult when people have children...but, at least, enough time for the lo ved ones to begin their own healing, also (sooo necessary)....

Thing is...most people react to this with great distain....as they are so intent on "saving the relationship".....that they would be willing to deep six the whole thing by trying to avoid short-term discomfort of a planned separation......

I have often heard that more marriages that collapse.....do so in the recovery period than during the active drinking period.... That has got to say something.....

dandyion