confused0507

My wife will be calling me from rehab with her counselor on Friday morning for the first time in her second rehab stay in less than 4 years. Just looking for advice on things I may want to ask/bring up, because I am HEAVILY considering a separation, which we already discussed before she left, so it wouldn't be a surprise. Her counselor has told me that she wants to work on the marriage, of course, but I am back and forth as emotions and guilt and fear kick in while she is gone. We have two children together who are 9 and 11 . I have a thread explaining the history of her addiction and another on my wishy washy emotions on leaving, but would appreciate any advice as I am very nervous about the phone call. Thanks in advance.

LexieCat

I would make this first phone call sort of a general one, without much of an agenda. If she asks if you will stay and work on the marriage you can just say you're thinking it all over right now. Be honest about how you feel, but don't say stuff like, "Here's what I would need for you to do before I'd agree to stay." No promises, no bargaining--not at this stage, for sure. Just get the lay of the land, get a feel for where she's at, get a feel for what her counselor is like. You can sincerely tell her that whatever happens, you hope she will seize this opportunity to reclaim her life.

HHTexas

Something that was said to me a lot in alanon is "you don't have to make a decision today." Try not to worry too much about saying the right thing. Just go with the flow. In those sessions, we never really got deep--always more of a check in. Go with your gut (if you can remember what that's like--i certainly didnt!).

Katchie

I agree with the above comments. When my ExAh called me after the 1st couple of weeks in rehab, honestly, his brain was still not functioning right. So, she very well could be the same way. No stress...say what you mean if you're led to, otherwise just let her check in. There's plenty of time to make whatever decision is right for you and your kids.

confused0507

Thanks everyone! I also have an Al Anon meeting today too so that should also give me some guidance.

totfit

Let the counselor be the guide. A good counselor would likely guide the conversation to how it would relate to your spouses recovery. If the topic came up, I would not avoid it, but I think that honesty about any topic that might come up would be important for both of you.

redatlanta

I agree with the other comments - I would take the status of your marriage off the table for discussion. She can't work on the marriage anyway until she is 100% committed to sobriety and recovery. Its a ways off before you will know.

In the meantime this is YOUR time do decide what you want to do.

confused0507

Thanks everyone for all the great thoughts and information.

jukeboxjane

i just went through similar . is she coming back to the house after her rehab? how far off is that? if you don't want the disease and her chaos back in the house right away and around the kids, it might (might) be better to bring that up sooner rather than later. separation/divorce is a decision that takes more time. but if she;s getting out soon.. next few weeks?, she and her rehab will have to work on finding her interim tx, iop, sober house etc. you can also talk to the counselor beforehand and ask if she's talked about aftercare plans. you can lay the groundwork with the counselor so they can take the temperature on it.

my ABF and i just went through this and he was upset he couldnt come home but it was better to rip the band aid off sooner rather than later. more time to process and less scramble. that gives YOU more time to process and less scramble too. the most impt thing.
MTC!

good luck

confused0507

She said her insurance pays up until the 22nd she thought, however, her counselor said that should not keep her from staying the full 30 days, which would be around April 2nd or 3rd. I am trying to figure out the best course of what to do, and if I decide to separate for a time, how to tell the kids and then from there look for a place before she comes back. Honestly, I would rather have someplace else when she gets out if we are not going to be together....

dandylion

Just a suggestion to think about.....maybe it would be better to see the counselor with the children, first....before making such a rapid move......
Though....it might be a good idea to scout around and find out what kinds of housing options are out there.....

Making that kind of move is definitely more complicated when you have a 9 and 11 year old than when you one lone person.....

dandylion