When the alcoholic leaves you for someone else.
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When the alcoholic leaves you for someone else.
I remember that my therapist said that he couldn't feel worthy enough to be with someone like me. That he needed someone he saw as inferior.
I am not sure that he did not feel worthy. To me, it's more like he actually felt like I was less than him.
She also said that he was emotionally abusive, so the whole thing did not make a lot of sense to me. Is there are reason why he abused me?The day after our break up he wanted to meet me. I said no, and I blocked him and changed my number. I knew that it was going to be hard for me, but I needed to stay away from him. The damage was already done, but I wanted to be happy again, I wanted to regain my self esteem, and I knew that I couldn't have him in my life if I wanted to achieve those things.
What I know as a fact is that a month after our break up he was already in a relationship with a girl who drinks a lot (just like him) and does drugs.
I don't know how they treat each other. But I have seen them together multiple times (the perks of living in a small town) and I just can't help but feel as if I was erased. I was completey disposable.
I know my self esteem is still bad. I still feel stupid sometimes for havine gone trough all of that. I'm 22, but I feel as an old lady.
I have zero interest in relationships. Not only because I know I shouldn't be in one, as I'm still not completely healed, but also because guys (so far) I've met are always interested in what I can give them (be it sex, attention, ego strokes, etc) and not in who I really am.
I may sound as a waytoo strange person right now. No one would imagine that I'm giving theraphy to other people. But that is exactly the case.
I may never be able to have another romantic relationship but I still want to do somethig good out of my life.
I hope that someday I can say I got over this and feel like I was too good for him and not the other way around.
I am not sure that he did not feel worthy. To me, it's more like he actually felt like I was less than him.
She also said that he was emotionally abusive, so the whole thing did not make a lot of sense to me. Is there are reason why he abused me?The day after our break up he wanted to meet me. I said no, and I blocked him and changed my number. I knew that it was going to be hard for me, but I needed to stay away from him. The damage was already done, but I wanted to be happy again, I wanted to regain my self esteem, and I knew that I couldn't have him in my life if I wanted to achieve those things.
What I know as a fact is that a month after our break up he was already in a relationship with a girl who drinks a lot (just like him) and does drugs.
I don't know how they treat each other. But I have seen them together multiple times (the perks of living in a small town) and I just can't help but feel as if I was erased. I was completey disposable.
I know my self esteem is still bad. I still feel stupid sometimes for havine gone trough all of that. I'm 22, but I feel as an old lady.
I have zero interest in relationships. Not only because I know I shouldn't be in one, as I'm still not completely healed, but also because guys (so far) I've met are always interested in what I can give them (be it sex, attention, ego strokes, etc) and not in who I really am.
I may sound as a waytoo strange person right now. No one would imagine that I'm giving theraphy to other people. But that is exactly the case.
I may never be able to have another romantic relationship but I still want to do somethig good out of my life.
I hope that someday I can say I got over this and feel like I was too good for him and not the other way around.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
My friend, 22 is way too early to project that you will never have another romantic relationship in your life.
I didn't start my journey towards healthy self-esteem until I was 32, and I've still managed a romantic relationship in my life.
It helped me to stop focusing on other people and to start focusing on myself. To do things that make me happy just for myself. To do things that make me feel proud of myself. To hang around only with people who are healthy and positive. Can't find anyone interested in you for who you are? What about YOU? You count in this. You get to like you for you. It's not easy, especially not when you've been fed a "you're not worthy" storyline your whole life from people who really only believe that THEY are not worthy. That's their story. It does not have to be yours.
You are 22 and you have your entire life to write your own story. It does not start with your ex and figuring out what he was thinking or doing. It starts, proceeds, and ends with just you and your beautiful, intelligent, generous self.
You will move past this and you'll know it when you realize it never had anything to do with him or anyone else. I have been there and I know this to be true. I know it feels like it will never happen. Having a little faith that it will happen no matter what it feels like right now, in this temporary space, will make a big difference.
I didn't start my journey towards healthy self-esteem until I was 32, and I've still managed a romantic relationship in my life.
It helped me to stop focusing on other people and to start focusing on myself. To do things that make me happy just for myself. To do things that make me feel proud of myself. To hang around only with people who are healthy and positive. Can't find anyone interested in you for who you are? What about YOU? You count in this. You get to like you for you. It's not easy, especially not when you've been fed a "you're not worthy" storyline your whole life from people who really only believe that THEY are not worthy. That's their story. It does not have to be yours.
You are 22 and you have your entire life to write your own story. It does not start with your ex and figuring out what he was thinking or doing. It starts, proceeds, and ends with just you and your beautiful, intelligent, generous self.
You will move past this and you'll know it when you realize it never had anything to do with him or anyone else. I have been there and I know this to be true. I know it feels like it will never happen. Having a little faith that it will happen no matter what it feels like right now, in this temporary space, will make a big difference.
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Join Date: Nov 2014
Posts: 667
Look at it this way. Do you really need to care if an alcoholic erases you?
For me, I could care less what my ex thinks, does or says about me.....as long as she is no longer in my life.
I mean its like asking a creep what he/she thinks about you. If you think they are a creep, how does it matter?
For me, I could care less what my ex thinks, does or says about me.....as long as she is no longer in my life.
I mean its like asking a creep what he/she thinks about you. If you think they are a creep, how does it matter?
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 982
((((Timetoheal))))
What Sparklekitty said ^^^^^
I understand that small town thing all too well
I've seen and heard about my X with more than one woman since our break-up last year (and while we were together, for that matter).
And it still hurts. But I suppose it's getting a little easier... and it will continue to, but it's definitely not an easy road.
You're way ahead of me. I'm 36 and I'm just barely starting to figure things out!
Keep treating yourself well. You deserve it.
Big hugs to you!
What Sparklekitty said ^^^^^
I understand that small town thing all too well
I've seen and heard about my X with more than one woman since our break-up last year (and while we were together, for that matter).
And it still hurts. But I suppose it's getting a little easier... and it will continue to, but it's definitely not an easy road.
You're way ahead of me. I'm 36 and I'm just barely starting to figure things out!
Keep treating yourself well. You deserve it.
Big hugs to you!
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
So maybe if you drank a lot and did drugs with him, he would have stayed with you. Is that what you want for your life? It seems to me that his choice of new g/f speaks volumes about what he wants for his own life (which he gets to choose--it's his life, after all), and says absolutely nothing about you except that you didn't fit his lifestyle. Period.
I agree with everything SparkleKitty said. There are men out there who are capable of being the kind of partner you want. They don't always appear on our timetable. I agree that if you focus on your own goals, eventually you will more than likely find someone who will enhance your life rather than detract from it. And until that happens, you will be continuing to grow into a strong, independent woman who doesn't NEED a man to be complete.
I agree with everything SparkleKitty said. There are men out there who are capable of being the kind of partner you want. They don't always appear on our timetable. I agree that if you focus on your own goals, eventually you will more than likely find someone who will enhance your life rather than detract from it. And until that happens, you will be continuing to grow into a strong, independent woman who doesn't NEED a man to be complete.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
TimetoHeal......maybe, look at it from this angle: He was not enough for you.
If he HAD been....the two of you would still be together and it would be moving along with serenity and joy of sharing life together.
But....that wasn't the case, was it?
Whatever it is that you want/need in your life to thrive with a partner---he doesn't posses enough......
The proof is always in the pudding....
dandylion
If he HAD been....the two of you would still be together and it would be moving along with serenity and joy of sharing life together.
But....that wasn't the case, was it?
Whatever it is that you want/need in your life to thrive with a partner---he doesn't posses enough......
The proof is always in the pudding....
dandylion
Living in a Pinkful Place
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
Oh Dear - I know at 22 it seems like life has been so much for you and I know your pain is real ~ but one of my favorite slogans is "This too shall Pass"
and it will.
For me, like the others - healing & healthiness didn't start for me til later in life - try 40 ~
That's when I found recovery ~ recovery from codependency, from unhealthy relationships, from people pleasing and obsession with others opinions ~
It was very freeing & now in my 50's life is grand.
not perfect but happy, joyous and free ~
my now ex-AH is doing what a's do ~ and I know it has nothing to do with me, it's the same excuses, same pills, same drinks, different drs, different women, saying the same ole lines and it doesn't matter ~ it's what untreated alcoholism/addiction does in a person regardless if I'm there or not.
same goes for you ~ he's going to walk that path with you, with a new someone, and the next someone and the next & next until he finds recovery or the end ~ because that's what the disease does ~
you have the blessing of the choice - you can go with him or find a healthier life for you - one that you deserve ~
Yes, you deserve to be happy, joyous & free
(Just in case you haven't been told that today)
PINK HUGS!
and it will.
For me, like the others - healing & healthiness didn't start for me til later in life - try 40 ~
That's when I found recovery ~ recovery from codependency, from unhealthy relationships, from people pleasing and obsession with others opinions ~
It was very freeing & now in my 50's life is grand.
not perfect but happy, joyous and free ~
my now ex-AH is doing what a's do ~ and I know it has nothing to do with me, it's the same excuses, same pills, same drinks, different drs, different women, saying the same ole lines and it doesn't matter ~ it's what untreated alcoholism/addiction does in a person regardless if I'm there or not.
same goes for you ~ he's going to walk that path with you, with a new someone, and the next someone and the next & next until he finds recovery or the end ~ because that's what the disease does ~
you have the blessing of the choice - you can go with him or find a healthier life for you - one that you deserve ~
Yes, you deserve to be happy, joyous & free
(Just in case you haven't been told that today)
PINK HUGS!
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Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: America
Posts: 4,136
My dear, I am sorry for what you've gone through and for how rotten you are still feeling at times. But, from my point of view I see where you are as a wonderful opportunity to not only be free from emotional abuse but to have a chance to build the best relationship you possibly can: with yourSELF. It seems to me that people feel some pressure and almost a burning need to "be in a relationship" with someone else. You see it on facebook..."in a relationship with ___________". I want to say, so what? You know, when it's all said and done, all you really have sometimes is yourself. And I'm not saying to isolate yourself from other people is the way to go in order to be self sufficient. But feeling okay and good about yourself is so essential to having healthy relationships with others. If you were emotionally abused by him there is HEALING that needs to happen; things you likely bought into that he had you believing about yourself. Put downs, neglecting your needs...emotional abuse is just as damaging if not more than physical abuse. To get out of an abusive relationship before too much more time goes by is a godsend, really, not to mention being away from an addict. Fine, let him run off with someone else he can abuse and use drugs with, although I wouldn't wish that on anyone...
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
take the alcholic part out of it and what do you have?
a relationship that ENDED. he didn't race off with the cooler holding the kidney for your transplant. you didn't have to suffer a five year battle in the courts over the divorce and an ugly custody battle. you didn't have to sell the house or the car. you were IN a relationship with someone, and now you are NOT.
it was ONE relationship, and not that long if i recall. you are 22 years old.
A study in the UK done in 2014 came up with this interesting statistics -while perhaps not the most scientific or sustainable results, it is food for thought:
HE JOURNEY TO 'THE ONE'
Number of relationships - Women 7; Men 8
Disaster dates - Women 4; Men 4
Blind dates - Women 2; Men 3
Stood up on a date - Women 1; Men 2
Online dates - Women 2; Men 3
Number of kisses - Women 15; Men 16
Sexual partners - Women 7; Men 10
One-night stands - Women 4; Men 6
Partners lived with - Women 1; Men 1
Falling in love - Women 2; Men 2
Read more: No one said finding The One would be easy: The average women will kiss FIFTEEN men enjoy TWO long-term relationships and have her heart broken TWICE | Daily Mail Online
a relationship that ENDED. he didn't race off with the cooler holding the kidney for your transplant. you didn't have to suffer a five year battle in the courts over the divorce and an ugly custody battle. you didn't have to sell the house or the car. you were IN a relationship with someone, and now you are NOT.
it was ONE relationship, and not that long if i recall. you are 22 years old.
A study in the UK done in 2014 came up with this interesting statistics -while perhaps not the most scientific or sustainable results, it is food for thought:
HE JOURNEY TO 'THE ONE'
Number of relationships - Women 7; Men 8
Disaster dates - Women 4; Men 4
Blind dates - Women 2; Men 3
Stood up on a date - Women 1; Men 2
Online dates - Women 2; Men 3
Number of kisses - Women 15; Men 16
Sexual partners - Women 7; Men 10
One-night stands - Women 4; Men 6
Partners lived with - Women 1; Men 1
Falling in love - Women 2; Men 2
Read more: No one said finding The One would be easy: The average women will kiss FIFTEEN men enjoy TWO long-term relationships and have her heart broken TWICE | Daily Mail Online
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
When the alcoholic leaves you for someone else.
The more you build up your self- esteem the clearer you will come to see that he did you a favor and that he is NOT the one for you. Yes it hurts and yes you feel rejected because he’s moved on so quickly but aren’t you even just a little happy that you dodged that bullet and that you didn’t invest any more of your time or energy into someone who could move on so easily.
What you need to prepare yourself for is his re-bound from this current relationship when it all falls to pieces which it will and may attempt to try and get you back. That’s what alcoholics do and people with low self-esteem just may let them.
Keep working on you I think you are doing great by going to counseling and focusing on you!!!!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 1,388
I must tell you this:
When an alcoholic leaves you, it is time to throw the greatest party ever! Young lady, you have no idea what kind of hell you would eventually have to go through with such a person (alcoholic AND abusive).
It is not about being superior or inferior. It is about whether he can manipulate you or not. Apparently, he could not. So, give yourself a big hug, because you were not his match. And you were not because you were too good for him.
When an alcoholic leaves you, it is time to throw the greatest party ever! Young lady, you have no idea what kind of hell you would eventually have to go through with such a person (alcoholic AND abusive).
It is not about being superior or inferior. It is about whether he can manipulate you or not. Apparently, he could not. So, give yourself a big hug, because you were not his match. And you were not because you were too good for him.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
TTH,
We all see that you are hurting. Loving someone who is an addict is a hard life to live. We all want to prevent you from thinking you are missing out on something. I was with my addict for 34 years, started when I was 15 years old. If I only new at 15, or 25, or 35 that my life would only get worse. I thought I could handle it. Your XBF alcoholism has really nothing to do with you. You just happen to be the innocent victim that gets sucked in.
Don't worry to much about the new girl friend, an A posted a while ago that it is very common for A's to find another "victim" before they leave their other one. Its just easier for them to facilitate their drinking that way. Plus, he get a double bonus by finding another drunk to drink with. Life for an addict is not that pretty, he was a mess with you and he will be a mess with her.
Take this wonderful advice, work your own program and everything will fall into place the way God had intended it to be. Hugs my friend, you have a long prosperous life ahead of you!!
We all see that you are hurting. Loving someone who is an addict is a hard life to live. We all want to prevent you from thinking you are missing out on something. I was with my addict for 34 years, started when I was 15 years old. If I only new at 15, or 25, or 35 that my life would only get worse. I thought I could handle it. Your XBF alcoholism has really nothing to do with you. You just happen to be the innocent victim that gets sucked in.
Don't worry to much about the new girl friend, an A posted a while ago that it is very common for A's to find another "victim" before they leave their other one. Its just easier for them to facilitate their drinking that way. Plus, he get a double bonus by finding another drunk to drink with. Life for an addict is not that pretty, he was a mess with you and he will be a mess with her.
Take this wonderful advice, work your own program and everything will fall into place the way God had intended it to be. Hugs my friend, you have a long prosperous life ahead of you!!
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Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: Vancouver, BC
Posts: 333
When the alcoholic leaves you for someone else, it is the greatest blessing you can be given that hurts like crazy at the same time.
It's kind of like having to get an impacted wisdom tooth removed. The tooth grows in all wrong, painfully putting pressure on your jaw and other teeth, and you want the pain to go away but you don't want the tooth pulled out for one reason or another even though you logically know that it's the source of your pain. Sooner or later, pulling the tooth becomes unavoidable and before you know it you're sitting on your sofa for a week eating all your meals out of a straw because your mouth hurts so bad. Eventually your jaw heals from the removal and one day you wake up and realize that life is so much better without the constant ache of that impacted tooth.
The future isn't likely to be so dismal. To be completely honest, the person you are now won't even be the same person you become in 8 more years. Just because we reach the 'official' age of adulthood doesn't mean we're done growing and changing; people undergo profound personality changes between the age of 20 to 30, and the brutally frank truth of relationships is that the vast majority of relationships that start in the early 20's don't survive past 26 because the two partners both go through their own separate personality changes, and it is extremely common for people to simply grow apart because their matured personalities don't mix. And that has nothing to do with alcohol or substance abuse, that's just part of the natural aging process. Throw substances into the mix and the odds are heavily stacked against the possibility of a lasting, rewarding relationship.
You can use this as an opportunity to be the best version of yourself that you can be, not for anybody else but for your own sense of self-approval and self-worth.
It's kind of like having to get an impacted wisdom tooth removed. The tooth grows in all wrong, painfully putting pressure on your jaw and other teeth, and you want the pain to go away but you don't want the tooth pulled out for one reason or another even though you logically know that it's the source of your pain. Sooner or later, pulling the tooth becomes unavoidable and before you know it you're sitting on your sofa for a week eating all your meals out of a straw because your mouth hurts so bad. Eventually your jaw heals from the removal and one day you wake up and realize that life is so much better without the constant ache of that impacted tooth.
Originally Posted by Timetoheal12 
I may never be able to have another romantic relationship but I still want to do somethig good out of my life.
You can use this as an opportunity to be the best version of yourself that you can be, not for anybody else but for your own sense of self-approval and self-worth.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Texas
Posts: 2,872
I echo what others have said. He didn't leave you for another person-he left you to drink with someone else. That's all. As hard as that is to stomach, it's true. I heard about women very soon after our divirce was final and it hurt like hell (my exs sister was already trying to hook him up while we were still married!). But he just wanted to drink-didn't matter with who or having any standards in himself. Just, drink. It is what it is-although that doesn't make it easier. I'm sorry you are hurting but it will pass. I promise.
YOU are worthy of respect and need to dig deep to find the dignity to walk forward without an alcoholic defining you. His actions are his-yours are yours.
YOU are worthy of respect and need to dig deep to find the dignity to walk forward without an alcoholic defining you. His actions are his-yours are yours.
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 9,010
Originally Posted by healthyagain
I must tell you this:
When an alcoholic leaves you, it is time to throw the greatest party ever! Young lady, you have no idea what kind of hell you would eventually have to go through with such a person (alcoholic AND abusive).
It is not about being superior or inferior. It is about whether he can manipulate you or not. Apparently, he could not. So, give yourself a big hug, because you were not his match. And you were not because you were too good for him.
When an alcoholic leaves you, it is time to throw the greatest party ever! Young lady, you have no idea what kind of hell you would eventually have to go through with such a person (alcoholic AND abusive).
It is not about being superior or inferior. It is about whether he can manipulate you or not. Apparently, he could not. So, give yourself a big hug, because you were not his match. And you were not because you were too good for him.
I like what Healthyagain said above. You might only be 22 but you are a VERY SMART 22!! Congratulations! Although I so wish this didn't hurt as much as it probably does.
Keep posting and we will keep trying to support you!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 786
Mine ran off with his affair..and married her 6 days after our divorce was final (then lied about it to our kids). It's been three years and I'm kind of surprised they're still together, but it doesn't bother me. In that time I've experienced a failed relationship--but it was REAL, and I was true to myself to end it.
She's not better than me. She's easier. She will adore him because she doesn't have the years of wear that I do...and he can love his life without having to look inside and try to repair and be accountable...he just created a brand new one that left his whole world behind him 1500 miles away.
Life is sure easy if you chop off the past instead of reconciling it!
I've posted before that I had a dream at one point where she looked so sad and trapped and I wanted to warn her and shout to get away...karma catches everyone.
Know who has the cooler with my kidney in it? ME.
Here's something interesting--In the mathematical world, being rejected by a reject makes you awesome. Think about that double negative for a while and smile.
She's not better than me. She's easier. She will adore him because she doesn't have the years of wear that I do...and he can love his life without having to look inside and try to repair and be accountable...he just created a brand new one that left his whole world behind him 1500 miles away.
Life is sure easy if you chop off the past instead of reconciling it!
I've posted before that I had a dream at one point where she looked so sad and trapped and I wanted to warn her and shout to get away...karma catches everyone.
Know who has the cooler with my kidney in it? ME.
Here's something interesting--In the mathematical world, being rejected by a reject makes you awesome. Think about that double negative for a while and smile.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Baltimore, MD
Posts: 232
Hey TTH12, I'm almost 50 and am realizing my AW is NOT the person she was when I married her, and not in a good way.
When he said 'you're too good/strong for him', he's right. He just doesn't realize it.
IT'S NOT ABOUT YOU. It's about a parasitic leech that's found a new host. And when he's dried up that one, he may call you up out of the blue, and see if you have any life that he can suck out of you.
It's NOTHING YOU DID OR COULD HAVE DONE.
You may not believe this but it is a BLESSING when the addict leaves you! One less thing you have to decide on doing.
Just know that
1. Having an addict in your life is not on your list of 'must have's' in your life;
2. your life is TOO SHORT to be wasting on someone who is actively wasting their own life;
3. You'll get through this. Nobody else but YOU will decide on how long it will take you.
4. God has a terrific plan for you. Just open your heart to Him and let Him show you. Just please don't be too surprised that God's plan DOESN'T include someone who will spiritually/emotionally/psychologically destroy you for the rest of your physical life.
Lord bless you!
When he said 'you're too good/strong for him', he's right. He just doesn't realize it.
IT'S NOT ABOUT YOU. It's about a parasitic leech that's found a new host. And when he's dried up that one, he may call you up out of the blue, and see if you have any life that he can suck out of you.
It's NOTHING YOU DID OR COULD HAVE DONE.
You may not believe this but it is a BLESSING when the addict leaves you! One less thing you have to decide on doing.
Just know that
1. Having an addict in your life is not on your list of 'must have's' in your life;
2. your life is TOO SHORT to be wasting on someone who is actively wasting their own life;
3. You'll get through this. Nobody else but YOU will decide on how long it will take you.
4. God has a terrific plan for you. Just open your heart to Him and let Him show you. Just please don't be too surprised that God's plan DOESN'T include someone who will spiritually/emotionally/psychologically destroy you for the rest of your physical life.
Lord bless you!
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