Kata

Spinner- I LoVe #2. When you put it that way, there's no arguing it, is there!

Timetoheal12

I was stunned at how many replies I've got. Thanks a lot, everyone.
There are many points that are important and you talked about them...
One is... If he has so many issues, then maybe I did not lose anything.
Other is... Even if that is true, I need to focus on myself again.
And another one is... It was a relationship that came to an end and I need to accept it 100%. He is able to do as he pleases, good or bad for himself. I am able to do as I please. And being stuck in this would make no good, not only for me, but for those around me as well.
I've had a lot of progress and I've been noticing many positive changes, but I still need a lot to do when it comes to loving and accepting myself fully.
I want to achieve it, though. I don't want a rebound, or a "while I find myself/find something better" type of relationship.

I want to feel as good about myself as I felt before I met him; or even better.
Your advice is always honest and kind at the same time. I really appreciate it.

LexieCat

I think one mistake we sometimes make after a breakup with someone really dysfunctional is to think that only someone like that could ever love us. A normal, good, healthy guy wouldn't be attracted. So we have to settle for someone messed-up if we ever want love.

That is SO not true. I think it IS true that sometimes people who are messed-up will sense that we are vulnerable if that's how we feel about ourselves--they know we are easy marks for them to use. All the more reason to work on our self-image.

I've heard it said that to build self-esteem, it's best to do estimable things. Be good to yourself and others, do well in school and on the job, do volunteer work, develop other talents and abilities with hobbies or outside interests. I think working on those sorts of things naturally brings a higher level of self-esteem. While it's important that we try to understand ourselves, we also have to keep doing. One of my favorite recovery slogans is that it's easier to act yourself into right-thinking than it is to think yourself into right-acting.

Timetoheal12

Yes. I definitely have felt that only "messed up" guys notice me. And that they all leave or get bored with me because in the end I am not as messed up as they wanted me/hoped I'd be.

That might sound strange, but I have felt that way lately.
I realize now that I am not as screwed up as I thought I was, but I definitely need to improve my self esteem. And maybe then, it won't matter if "good guys" notice me or not.

Also, you are right, Lexie. I always feel better when I act better.

Thanks

LexieCat

I think if you're feeling good about yourself a lot of the losers will move along to someone more promising (from their perspective). And the "good guys" WILL start to notice you.

And smiling makes everyone more attractive.

Thomas45

The 'messed up' guys are naturally more assertive and likely to make advances than respectful guys. In the long run, it is just as intimidating for you to ask out a nice man as it is for a nice man to ask you out.

It's a game of repetition of small numbers. I work in a pretty rough and tumble industry with lots of drug abusers, and I'll share with you the kind of dating insights that get passed around at lunch time regarding women. And I quote:

"Dude, just go on POF or tinder and swipe right on everything, you're guaranteed to get at least one hookup agreement for the night."

What it comes down to is that the 'messed up' guys have nothing to lose by pursuing you and potentially getting rejected, whereas a more respectful man may be less inclined to let it show that they're interested in you because (a) they don't want to come across as creepy, or (b) they're worried that you'll say "no."

britgirl

I just wanted to thank you for this thread. I'm so sorry for your pain and wish all of you peace and happiness. I know the hurt our so's cause us with this behaviour and wanted to let you all know how much I appreciate you sharing your ESH.

Suncat

This is one of the best things I have read in a long time. Great analogy. Thank you. Very helpful, spot on!!!!!!!!! The tooth is out. I am on the couch stage now. Recovering. Its been two months. The longest we have ever been apart is probably around this mark. Hes with another woman. A loose drinking loud mouthed loser kind. Of course. I am forced to move on now. I am ready to feel better and I know I will here in the next few months!

OKRunner

I've recently been through something similar (e.g., small town, then I see him downtown with a woman two seconds later who drinks (I did not), then my therapist tells me too that he probably didn't feel worthy enough to be with me and on and on).

I know how you feel. It is so hard in the beginning. I am so sorry that you are going through this.

BUT ... I've had a couple months of reading posts here (mostly lurking) and honestly everything that everyone has said in response to you -- I now get it. They are right. It just takes awhile to see this, I promise.

For example, no, I didn't want to start drinking just to keep him. No way. To the contrary -- I'm getting in the best shape of my life. Every time I see him he just looks more .... hung over. And I just feel ... better?

And, yes, my AXBF now is "in a relationship" on FaceBook, too. Good. Instead of being green with envy of the other woman (as you can see I was a month or two ago here on SR), now I'm just like oh that poor thing. While I'm free and just knocking off my goals one by one, she's now picking up the messes and dealing with him on his brutal Monday mornings and wondering when he'll drop his next morsel of attention.

I feel lucky I got dropped. Two negatives (being rejected by a reject) totally does equal a positive.