Need some encouragement through this divorce process
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: Laurelton
Posts: 178
Need some encouragement through this divorce process
Hey SR, I could really use you this morning...
I ended up getting into with STBEXAH, he suckered me into answering a financial question...that was the beginning of the end! Yesterday he asked me if I was going to be asking for more than $300 per month (aside from childcare) as we had discussed over a year ago when I initially invited the idea of a separation. I told him that I didn't have a figure but yes, it would be more than $300. I told him that figure was me speaking out of fear and was far less than what was needed to take care of 2 children, I had changed my mind since then. With the help of friends, family and therapists I realized that I was selling myself short because I was afraid of upsetting him and I realized the kids need much more that $300 monthly. This man makes anywhere from $80-over $100k/year (with overtime). He replied saying that now he will need more info from me including information on my house. I was appalled! I bought a house (solely) last April when we had already physically separated. In NY it is still considered marital property so he is entitled to half, my lawyer says that judges don't necessarily grant the spouse half, they judge based on the situation but I'm still worried about it. I don't live in the house, it was purchased and an investment and to bring me more income because he was unstable and I was sure that any day he would lose his life or his job with his erratic and destructive behavior, I 'm trying to secure a future for me and my kids and I don't want to have his name on any parts of it! Now that I've changed my mind and realized I need more than $300 he wants a piece of my house???? I was appalled. Here I am, trying to be nice and not take him for the full 25% like the NY law dictates-if I did he would be paying about $2k per month (minimum), he works for the city and make good money. God only knows how this man still even has a job with the amount of work that he's missed. He's been to inpatient rehab twice and I assume he may have finally only recently started seeing a therapist (probably to make it look good on his part for the courts).
I just feel like no matter how nice I am or sell myself short to please this man he's so angry, spiteful, vindictive and twisted. I'm not worried about him getting custody since that won't happen with his drinking/drugging history, I'm just concerned with dealing with him going forward and how this whole child support and house distribution will work and how his anger is going to be directed towards me because he's not happy or getting his way. He's going to have more reason to be depressed and drink and then blame it on child support and or me/divorce. He's convinced himself and others that I played a part in the demise of our failure as a couple. I'm not perfect but I have never done anything to constitute a divorce, it has been him all these years...the alcoholic binging, the anger, vindication, emotional and sexual email and text messages with ex and other women, verbal and emotional abuse, etc. I let him have his way most of the time but when I try to stand up for myself he then tells people that I talk to him mean and treat him bad. He has his mother convinced that I'm just telling "sob stories", when the reality is that he minimizes his wrongs and maximizes mine. He told me yesterday that his depression started when I started asking for the separation (turned into divorce), I reminded him that he had depressive bouts when I met him and they progressed not because of me but because of his alcoholism. When we were together anything that upset or slighted him turned into depression and drinking binges but now of course he's blaming it on this relationship. We have two children together and when he's present and nothing is wrong in the universe he's a great dad but when something triggers his anger or depression/drinking he disappears and goes into a whirlwind, blames everything and whoever else (mainly me) on his behavior. Tells people that I only tell my side of the story and when he finally tells his then they understand him and paints me to be the ugly person, when the truth his he tells stories to fit his emotions and twists the truth because his perception is distorted. He doesn't understand that I have been living in fear for most of our relationship, fear of his anger, fear of setting him off and it has caused me to lose myself and lessen my demands for equality and respect, just to keep peace and keep our family together.
This is getting so ugly and nasty and just want it to be over. I feel like I would just move to another state to get away from him, if I could. I'm so disgusted with him. The more I've stepped away and took my blinders off, the more I wonder what I saw in him. I wonder what was wrong with me that I stood for such abuse for so long...
Any kids words of advice please???
I ended up getting into with STBEXAH, he suckered me into answering a financial question...that was the beginning of the end! Yesterday he asked me if I was going to be asking for more than $300 per month (aside from childcare) as we had discussed over a year ago when I initially invited the idea of a separation. I told him that I didn't have a figure but yes, it would be more than $300. I told him that figure was me speaking out of fear and was far less than what was needed to take care of 2 children, I had changed my mind since then. With the help of friends, family and therapists I realized that I was selling myself short because I was afraid of upsetting him and I realized the kids need much more that $300 monthly. This man makes anywhere from $80-over $100k/year (with overtime). He replied saying that now he will need more info from me including information on my house. I was appalled! I bought a house (solely) last April when we had already physically separated. In NY it is still considered marital property so he is entitled to half, my lawyer says that judges don't necessarily grant the spouse half, they judge based on the situation but I'm still worried about it. I don't live in the house, it was purchased and an investment and to bring me more income because he was unstable and I was sure that any day he would lose his life or his job with his erratic and destructive behavior, I 'm trying to secure a future for me and my kids and I don't want to have his name on any parts of it! Now that I've changed my mind and realized I need more than $300 he wants a piece of my house???? I was appalled. Here I am, trying to be nice and not take him for the full 25% like the NY law dictates-if I did he would be paying about $2k per month (minimum), he works for the city and make good money. God only knows how this man still even has a job with the amount of work that he's missed. He's been to inpatient rehab twice and I assume he may have finally only recently started seeing a therapist (probably to make it look good on his part for the courts).
I just feel like no matter how nice I am or sell myself short to please this man he's so angry, spiteful, vindictive and twisted. I'm not worried about him getting custody since that won't happen with his drinking/drugging history, I'm just concerned with dealing with him going forward and how this whole child support and house distribution will work and how his anger is going to be directed towards me because he's not happy or getting his way. He's going to have more reason to be depressed and drink and then blame it on child support and or me/divorce. He's convinced himself and others that I played a part in the demise of our failure as a couple. I'm not perfect but I have never done anything to constitute a divorce, it has been him all these years...the alcoholic binging, the anger, vindication, emotional and sexual email and text messages with ex and other women, verbal and emotional abuse, etc. I let him have his way most of the time but when I try to stand up for myself he then tells people that I talk to him mean and treat him bad. He has his mother convinced that I'm just telling "sob stories", when the reality is that he minimizes his wrongs and maximizes mine. He told me yesterday that his depression started when I started asking for the separation (turned into divorce), I reminded him that he had depressive bouts when I met him and they progressed not because of me but because of his alcoholism. When we were together anything that upset or slighted him turned into depression and drinking binges but now of course he's blaming it on this relationship. We have two children together and when he's present and nothing is wrong in the universe he's a great dad but when something triggers his anger or depression/drinking he disappears and goes into a whirlwind, blames everything and whoever else (mainly me) on his behavior. Tells people that I only tell my side of the story and when he finally tells his then they understand him and paints me to be the ugly person, when the truth his he tells stories to fit his emotions and twists the truth because his perception is distorted. He doesn't understand that I have been living in fear for most of our relationship, fear of his anger, fear of setting him off and it has caused me to lose myself and lessen my demands for equality and respect, just to keep peace and keep our family together.
This is getting so ugly and nasty and just want it to be over. I feel like I would just move to another state to get away from him, if I could. I'm so disgusted with him. The more I've stepped away and took my blinders off, the more I wonder what I saw in him. I wonder what was wrong with me that I stood for such abuse for so long...
Any kids words of advice please???
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
I'm so sorry this is so ugly and emotional. For your own peace of mind, please allow your lawyers to handle all discussions surrounding the divorce. That is what they are there for.
In situations like this we often have to choose between being "right" and being "at peace". If you want out from under that fear of him you've been living under, then allow the experts to handle this process. He will use your fear against you as long as you leave the door open to discuss these things with him.
Sending hugs, none of this is easy. Glad you posted.
In situations like this we often have to choose between being "right" and being "at peace". If you want out from under that fear of him you've been living under, then allow the experts to handle this process. He will use your fear against you as long as you leave the door open to discuss these things with him.
Sending hugs, none of this is easy. Glad you posted.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
As SparkleKitty said, let the lawyers handle it. There is ZERO reason for you to be discussing it with him directly.
And the way property division usually works is not that each person gets so much of each individual asset, the value of ALL the assets is added together and it's apportioned in a way that is "equitable" or fair, so that both sides get their fair share of the TOTAL, not each individual piece of property.
Every state has child support guidelines, and the court won't allow you to stray too far from those guidelines absent good reason.
Stop talking to him about it and discuss any concerns you have with your lawyer.
And the way property division usually works is not that each person gets so much of each individual asset, the value of ALL the assets is added together and it's apportioned in a way that is "equitable" or fair, so that both sides get their fair share of the TOTAL, not each individual piece of property.
Every state has child support guidelines, and the court won't allow you to stray too far from those guidelines absent good reason.
Stop talking to him about it and discuss any concerns you have with your lawyer.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Texas
Posts: 2,872
D-read my threads. Your hubby is going to continue doing these things-mine still does. It's a game to them and any thing out there they can use to engage you with, they will try. He doesn't understand what you've dealt with nor does he care-he's an abuser. Sorry you are dealing with this-this is unfortunately what you get when you start telling the truth-these men are truly just selfish little cowards. Do not expect him to negotiate fairly-he won't. Period. PM me if you would like. I've been through the gauntlet-got the medal-passed GO-and I'm still standing-keep walking firward, D. Let your lawyer handle everything, period. Everything. Your hubby is trying to bait you into a conversation so he can then abuse you more. It's just what they do. Do not discuss things with him!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
quit handing bullets to the guy with the gun!!!! from this point forward CEASE to engage in ANY discussions regarding the particulars of the divorce, the separation of property, the amount of child support. you don't get to make the call on ANY of that..........nor does HE. i can't recall if you still live together......but regardless it is essential that you STOP talking to him and expecting him to see reason......whether about the divorce or how you feel. he isn't listening and you are only creating more problems for yourself.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Texas
Posts: 2,872
^ exactly! He can't see and doesn't care. Remember it's all about him-he's an addict. Do not speak to him and do not expect rational responses from a mentally unstable person. You've got to see reality for what it is and keep your expectations at that level. (Fir instance, if I truly expected my ex to be a stand up good father and role model or decent human being or even tell the truth, I'd be extremely let down. However, my expectation was he was going to be and do exactly as he had for years in our marruage-be a drunk idiot that talks a lot and lies and abuses-clearly he has met that expectation)....I'm telling you this bc you need to readjust your mind to see things clearly. Hugs friend.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: South Central USA
Posts: 1,478
Hi hon...big hugs...you're going to make it through this period of time, you will!
As others have said, delegate all communication with him through your lawyers.
If he calls you, don't answer. Let it go to voicemail, listen to it when youre ready, and if it is related to the divorce, ignore it and let your lawyers know about it. If its related to your children, if necessary, reply by text so you don't get sucked into anything else. If when you text he tries to suck you in, IGNORE them keeping that communication in the event you need them for the divorce.
I did this when I was going thru my divorce. It works. Keep communication thats necessary because it involves the kids to minimal texting, period. Your life will become so much more peaceful!
Also, DON'T spend precious time worrying what others think of you. I use to do this and for the longest time it prevented me from doing what I needed to do for me. In the big picture, they don't matter. Your stxah still needs a scapegoat and thats you. His mother needs one too and apparently thats you. These people have all failed to see what's right in front of them, thats not your problem. Drop all communication you don't need in your life. You will be AMAZED at the peace that follows!
As others have said, delegate all communication with him through your lawyers.
If he calls you, don't answer. Let it go to voicemail, listen to it when youre ready, and if it is related to the divorce, ignore it and let your lawyers know about it. If its related to your children, if necessary, reply by text so you don't get sucked into anything else. If when you text he tries to suck you in, IGNORE them keeping that communication in the event you need them for the divorce.
I did this when I was going thru my divorce. It works. Keep communication thats necessary because it involves the kids to minimal texting, period. Your life will become so much more peaceful!
Also, DON'T spend precious time worrying what others think of you. I use to do this and for the longest time it prevented me from doing what I needed to do for me. In the big picture, they don't matter. Your stxah still needs a scapegoat and thats you. His mother needs one too and apparently thats you. These people have all failed to see what's right in front of them, thats not your problem. Drop all communication you don't need in your life. You will be AMAZED at the peace that follows!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Texas
Posts: 2,872
^ Katchie hit the nail on the head-they need a scapegoat. That will be you. Hun, my ex has used the same sob story-that he's spiraled bc of the divorce or bc he hasn't seen his kids, wha, wha. The reason he's divirced and hasn't seen his kids IS because he's an abusuve alcoholic-not the other way around. Don't worry about what mommy thinks or anyone else in his circle. Just as he lied to you, he will lie to them-you're not special! Again, read my threads to get a real life taste of enabling, coddling, etc.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Texas
Posts: 2,872
And remember this....if anything else....stop looking to your abuser to validate you!!! Stop needing that validation! (I'm painfully aware of how hard this is-I tried for years and years...Fear, obligation and guilt-learn it and see what he's doing). You know what he did, you know it....own it and put your crown on and walk forward and away from him. Let mommy have him (she needs a scapegoat bc otherwise she may have to look at herself and her little boy and see the truth-that day may never come).
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Dimndaruf.....the other posters are speaking the truth....it is not pretty....but, it is REALITY.
My first husband was not an alcoholic...but, that didn't matter...because he was very narcissistic......very similar to what you describe.....
I want to let you know....that when you are dealing with a person like this....it is a mistake to play the "nice guy" role. You will pay for it every time!!
I cn imagine that much of your self image is tied up in being the good, nice, fair, self-sacfificing person....believing that you will reap the rewards for that, at the end of the day.
That would work in a healthy and equitable relationship....but, it can be your greatest weakness when dealing with someone who has no empathy for others and zero self-awareness.
If you offer your hand--they will take your arm....every time..!
from where I sit...I propose that you are still so tied up (emotionally) with him and terribly entangled with his family and their opinions.....
The way to get free from this is to learn how to detach.....to establish your own separate identity.....and build your own inner world that has safe boundaries around it.......
This takes time and diligent work.....but, you can get there.....
I think the biggest factor for those who achieve this is the wiliness to seek out and receive help..... alanon, or a similar support group for starters...and your own, individual therapy....
The wiliness to undergo short-term pain for the l ong-term gain is absolutely essential.....because, it isn't always easy.....
Remember...what other people think of you is none of your business....
What you think of your self is of paramount importance!
No one is superior to you.....
they are just other protoplasm-filled sacs....hurling through space....
dandylion
My first husband was not an alcoholic...but, that didn't matter...because he was very narcissistic......very similar to what you describe.....
I want to let you know....that when you are dealing with a person like this....it is a mistake to play the "nice guy" role. You will pay for it every time!!
I cn imagine that much of your self image is tied up in being the good, nice, fair, self-sacfificing person....believing that you will reap the rewards for that, at the end of the day.
That would work in a healthy and equitable relationship....but, it can be your greatest weakness when dealing with someone who has no empathy for others and zero self-awareness.
If you offer your hand--they will take your arm....every time..!
from where I sit...I propose that you are still so tied up (emotionally) with him and terribly entangled with his family and their opinions.....
The way to get free from this is to learn how to detach.....to establish your own separate identity.....and build your own inner world that has safe boundaries around it.......
This takes time and diligent work.....but, you can get there.....
I think the biggest factor for those who achieve this is the wiliness to seek out and receive help..... alanon, or a similar support group for starters...and your own, individual therapy....
The wiliness to undergo short-term pain for the l ong-term gain is absolutely essential.....because, it isn't always easy.....
Remember...what other people think of you is none of your business....
What you think of your self is of paramount importance!
No one is superior to you.....
they are just other protoplasm-filled sacs....hurling through space....
dandylion
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 141
Hi Dimndaruf
I agree with all of the above.
I divorced a depressed/suicide-threatening Alkie many years ago.
(He is still alive......)
Let the attorneys handle the details of the divorce.
My ESH - is this:
Being TOO NICE
is not always the best tactic in a divorce
Nor is if for
Life in General
Hang in there........
And try not to worry about the "what-ifs".
I agree with all of the above.
I divorced a depressed/suicide-threatening Alkie many years ago.
(He is still alive......)
Let the attorneys handle the details of the divorce.
My ESH - is this:
Being TOO NICE
is not always the best tactic in a divorce
Nor is if for
Life in General
Hang in there........
And try not to worry about the "what-ifs".
Member
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 3,095
I had to learn the hard way with my now xAH that I could not share info, no matter how cooperatively minded my intentions, because he would find a way to stab me in the back with any and all info I shared...
I was told this by the first lawyer I interviewed and thought he was harsh and didn't understand that I believed I could have a "cooperative divorce" (IMPOSSIBLE with an alcoholic).
I wish I would have listened to him... It would have saved me a LOT of grief...
I was told this by the first lawyer I interviewed and thought he was harsh and didn't understand that I believed I could have a "cooperative divorce" (IMPOSSIBLE with an alcoholic).
I wish I would have listened to him... It would have saved me a LOT of grief...
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 1,388
Originally Posted by Dimndaruf 
I just feel like no matter how nice I am or sell myself short to please this man he's so angry, spiteful, vindictive and twisted.
I for example asked nothing from my ex. Not even a penny. We share all the debts (taxes + a car loan). You would not believe what kind of a baby is that when it comes to the car loan (under $3,000 left, split under $1,500 each . . . seriously, I mean SERIOUSLY?)
He kept all the furniture, I moved out in haste, only took the documents and my office furniture and the pets. You know what is his greatest concern now? Oh, sniff sniff, he cannot keep cable tv.
He hates my guts, and it is not like the feelings ain't mutual.
You are not divorcing him to please him. Just a reminder, no more walking on egg shells. You walked on them long enough. Take what you can and leave the rest. Have no regrets.
You will be amazed what kinds of slime comes out of them during divorce. But know what to expect and stay strong.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Texas
Posts: 2,872
Dim-in no way was I trying to be harsh-sometimes words can definitely feel like that. Just real. And reality is what it is-no sugar coating. It's a bitter pill to swallow and I so was the person that used to think, "oh but my husband is different, he would never do this, this and this....and my ex did once love me so he would never do this, this and this..." Until I realized he was nothing special; these guys are all alike which is why they're so predictable! Sad but true. Listen, you're going to be okay-you are. But you gotta buckle down and look out for your best interests bc he sure as hell will not, and most likely will try to take advantage of you any way he can. Hugs!!!!
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
I just want to step in and let you know I am here, reading this, supporting you. I gently encourage you to do what others have said, let him deal with your attorney. That is why you pay an attorney. States have guidelines on child support for a reason, he can just deal with that.
Many, many hugs to you.
Many, many hugs to you.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2015
Posts: 246
Dimndaruf - I want to thank you for starting this thread. It's so timely for me, and I benefited tremendously from reading the advice given to you.
A couple of days ago, I engaged my husband in a discussion regarding our physical separation. We're in the beginning stages. Anyway, it's like Anvilhead wrote - I too handed my husband the bullets (should have put a bow on them while I was at it). The conversation didn't go well. The next day, I had an appointment with my lawyer so I explained the issue, and that was it. My lawyer took it from there. No more discussions with my husband. So much better.
That's exactly the way I plan to handle everything going forward - call my lawyer, discuss it with him and let him take it from there.
Hope everything goes more smoothly for you with your divorce.
A couple of days ago, I engaged my husband in a discussion regarding our physical separation. We're in the beginning stages. Anyway, it's like Anvilhead wrote - I too handed my husband the bullets (should have put a bow on them while I was at it). The conversation didn't go well. The next day, I had an appointment with my lawyer so I explained the issue, and that was it. My lawyer took it from there. No more discussions with my husband. So much better.
That's exactly the way I plan to handle everything going forward - call my lawyer, discuss it with him and let him take it from there.
Hope everything goes more smoothly for you with your divorce.
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