Golden Rule: Pay Attention to your Pronouns
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
Golden Rule: Pay Attention to your Pronouns
I got a reminder on this "Golden Rule" today - not that I've ever seen it stated in a rule book or anything, but it's something that I picked up from another SR member early in my recovery process & it has proven to be pretty accurate for my experiences.
When I am sharing a lot of "I" statements, I'm sharing my own experience & opinion. When I start "you"ing a lot, I'm probably crossing off of my side of things & getting into someone else's personal zone.
When I hear the pronouns change significantly in my speech pattern, I take a step back & reevaluate. Is it because this person solicited advice & the "you's" are apropos? Is it because the topic has triggered something in my own experience that could use some examination? Is it just me, feeling righteous & thinking that *I* know better about someone else's situation?
Just thought I'd throw this out there in case it works for anyone else. It came up today because one of my best friends came barreling over to my side of the street 1st thing this morning, full of "you-you-you" and I had to take a step back because it was so far off base that I found myself getting pretty peeved off, honestly. (I also checked myself - I thought about it for a while & then asked DD & RAH both if there was something to her statements that I wasn't seeing/acknowledging, just to be sure.)
Then I remembered that she just told me over the weekend how her husband's down-spiral is starting again - aha..... totally her pattern to slam her head in the sand, ignore her own issues & magnify anything she sees in anyone else's life to distract herself from what's going on in her own house. I love her dearly, but she seems to believe that she'll recover by some natural process without doing any of the hard, internal work & that has me scratching my head since she is watching & listening to what I've gone through to get from there to here over the last 4 years. Denial is kind of amazing when you think about it! SO powerful!
Sure, ok, got it now......I responded back basically with: here you go, here's the bag of crap that you tried to dump all over me. It is inaccurate because __(x,y,z)____ .....so.... I don't have any use for it, you can have it back.... I hope you have a great day! How ARE you feeling today?
I didn't hear back from her for hours & then it was a complete change of topic without addressing my simple question. If I press her on it though, I'll end up with a generic response.... "Fine." The worst of all 4-letter words.
When I am sharing a lot of "I" statements, I'm sharing my own experience & opinion. When I start "you"ing a lot, I'm probably crossing off of my side of things & getting into someone else's personal zone.
When I hear the pronouns change significantly in my speech pattern, I take a step back & reevaluate. Is it because this person solicited advice & the "you's" are apropos? Is it because the topic has triggered something in my own experience that could use some examination? Is it just me, feeling righteous & thinking that *I* know better about someone else's situation?
Just thought I'd throw this out there in case it works for anyone else. It came up today because one of my best friends came barreling over to my side of the street 1st thing this morning, full of "you-you-you" and I had to take a step back because it was so far off base that I found myself getting pretty peeved off, honestly. (I also checked myself - I thought about it for a while & then asked DD & RAH both if there was something to her statements that I wasn't seeing/acknowledging, just to be sure.)
Then I remembered that she just told me over the weekend how her husband's down-spiral is starting again - aha..... totally her pattern to slam her head in the sand, ignore her own issues & magnify anything she sees in anyone else's life to distract herself from what's going on in her own house. I love her dearly, but she seems to believe that she'll recover by some natural process without doing any of the hard, internal work & that has me scratching my head since she is watching & listening to what I've gone through to get from there to here over the last 4 years. Denial is kind of amazing when you think about it! SO powerful!
Sure, ok, got it now......I responded back basically with: here you go, here's the bag of crap that you tried to dump all over me. It is inaccurate because __(x,y,z)____ .....so.... I don't have any use for it, you can have it back.... I hope you have a great day! How ARE you feeling today?
I didn't hear back from her for hours & then it was a complete change of topic without addressing my simple question. If I press her on it though, I'll end up with a generic response.... "Fine." The worst of all 4-letter words.
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Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: West Coast
Posts: 774
I think that is a great reminder. I have taken offense before on SR when others gave me advice riddled with "you said this so why are you doing that?" Or some other form of "you" advice.
I try to remember that as I spew advice on here. All I can give is my experience... so if I can relate to a post I try to offer my experience or empathy. Of I can't relate, I try to keep quiet.
I try to remember that as I spew advice on here. All I can give is my experience... so if I can relate to a post I try to offer my experience or empathy. Of I can't relate, I try to keep quiet.
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Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 350
Yes, I will often listen for the "yous" when someone is arguing with me. If they are riddled with them, it's far more about them than it is me.
I try to acknowledge that anything I say is really about my own experience.
Try to use "you" too extensively and I begin to try and live someone else's life or to try to speak for them. It will drive me crazy.
I-statements are very powerful and empowering as well.
I try to acknowledge that anything I say is really about my own experience.
Try to use "you" too extensively and I begin to try and live someone else's life or to try to speak for them. It will drive me crazy.
I-statements are very powerful and empowering as well.
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Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Wisconsin
Posts: 1,572
This golden rule is one of the things that kept me grounded during The Great Talk of Christmas Eve. Even though STBXAH was trying to be funny and charming at times, virtually everything he said started with "you."
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Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
Not just on here either.
I work with teenagers with Special Needs, and to say some of them can be stubborn would be an understatement. Remembering to phrase things as advise and sharing of my own experiences can save me from many an extended stand-off. Not saying I always remember - but I do try.
I work with teenagers with Special Needs, and to say some of them can be stubborn would be an understatement. Remembering to phrase things as advise and sharing of my own experiences can save me from many an extended stand-off. Not saying I always remember - but I do try.
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