Rachinator

First off I have an alcohol issue myself. I've been working on it for 14 months now. Currently I'm almost one month sober. My AH doesn't honestly care if I drink or not so no real support there. My AH is working night for a very good company trying to get back on days. I noticed he is taking beer to work and is drinking about 4 at the moment. So here is the delimma, do I confront him on this and it will turn into a fight, possibly get kicked out/divorced. Or do I turn on my blinders and when it hits act ashtonished and deal with it then. I'm in a darn if I do darn if I don't. Or is this the wakeup call to get ready to leave. Advice is appreciated

Hawkeye13

wake up call to get ready to leave I'd say
he knows he's doing something stupid--why call him out?
you can't control what he does anyway

Liveitwell

You are not darned if you do or darned if you don't. YOU have choices, many. (It took me years to realize that I, ME, had choices). I'd say it's time to start packing your bags-there's no point in confronting an in denial alcoholic-I learned that the hard way after years of drop down dirty nasty fights and too many lies to count. Congratulations on your sobriety-stick with it-it's amazing!!

CodeJob

My H had the ability to come home for lunch. One night he told me he was so frustrated with his job he was drinking a few at lunch. I was shocked. He seemed shocked he had told me. I worked an hour from the house so it was a real easy thing to hide. I said, 'We've argued many, many times that I think you drink too much. You puke every morning which is your body telling you your aren't treating it well. But drinking at lunch impacts your work. You have a serious problem.' But that didn't stop him.

Nothing happened until he got RIFd (or fired?).

But he did get sober with rehab and is nearing 3 years, so it can be done.

Take care!

FeelingGreat

I'm wondering if his job is the sort where drinking would put himself or others in physical danger, like driving machinery?

Drinking on the job is very serious.

Turtle76

My ABF drank on the job daily... alot! And I knew it and expressed my concern about it often, which did nothing but lead to fights. I kept waiting for someone to find out and he would get fired, and this is when, I told myself, I would leave if he didn't get help. THAT would be the final straw. However, ABF was high functioning and rather than get fired, he actually got promotions, which only reinforced he didnt have a problem in his alcoholic mind. Luckily, he is now in treatment, and his decision had nothing to do with anything I said or did, or anything that happened at work. He just finally got tired of being sick and tired. I guess my point is, there is not much you can do or say for him. But, you can decide how his drinking at work affects you and your sobriety. If you can't handle this fact, then that is the problem. And you have to find a way to navigate it. But don't say you are gonna leave if he doesn't stop drinking at work unless you mean it. I can't count how many times I said that, didn't follow through, and nothing changed except my resentment grew towards him and so did the disappointment in myself. Thats just my 2 cents, and how this issue affected my life. Good luck, and remember no decision has to happen immediately.

Berrybean

I suppose you could always just tell him, honestly, that you love him very much and don't want an argument about it, but you have noticed him take beer to work a few times, and have been worrying about the fact that he's drinking in the day at work. Ask him if he wants to talk about it - like you might do any other friend.

If he was trying to hide it, he didn't do it that well, so I suspect he wasn't really trying that hard. The choices aren't only making it the elephant in the room (that ends up sitting between you) or treating him like a child and telling him off or threatening him. You can just invite him to talk about it but be prepared to leave him to it if he doesn't want to do so.

Good luck, whatever you decide.

AnonWife

Only you know how he will react, but If this isnt something you discussed with him before then Id consider trying to open up the topic, but without making him defensive. More as if your asking questions, do you think its safe to drink at work, what would happen if - and this way your allowing him to discuss. If it begins to go bad then stop. I know with my husband I can approach things and how I go about it can direct if he is open, defensive, outright angry.

LemonGirl

I personally hate that often our only choice is to leave, but that's the truth. Either we sit and deal with it (keep mouth shut, and go on about our day, striving for happiness..... the Alanon way), or we say something (often met with anger and arguing and then our own codependent behavior takes over with control and obsession). OR, we resolve to walk away...

I look at leaving like this, however... It is not that love isn't there, because often it is. Not all of us reached a boiling point. But we are on a path to healing ourselves and of recovery, and the active alcoholic is on a completely different path. Do we hold ourselves back from our own growth? I think that's the whole point of Alanon, really... to keep us on our own paths of spiritual growth. But after a while, it becomes obvious where your path is going, and where theirs is going....

Lilro

Well keeping your shut and dealing with it....... Does that feel good to you? Or are you going to be walking around with a knot in your stomach?

I'm curious.... If he was to lose his job because of drinking, would you be financially ok living on just your income alone? I think these are things you need to think about when making a decision on how you should handle this.

For myself I can tell you that if I was having to support a household because my AH got fired I would be out the door so fast his head would spin... But that's me. No scrubs... Ya know?
Good luck!! Keep us posted!

Rachinator

it is a job that he does operate machinery. Yes I know he is high functioning at this point, and he does his job well. But he's be talking about just quitting. It's an awesome job great bennies, it is the best job that he can get with his skill set. Just bothers the hell out of me with his behaviors. Thanks all

Hawkeye13

So will you have joy of supporting both of you when
he "just quits?

Daily drinking is a bad sign in the downward spiral.
I think I would make it clear what you are / aren't willing to do
if he does quit, or keeps up the dangerous behavior and is putting others at risk.

High-functioning, as they stay, is simply a stage and not a type of alcoholism.

Rachinator

Most certainly I would be supporting the household. We are in agreement that we both have to be working, unless one income is enough(not likely on my income alone). He knows this, however alcoholics tend to choose booze over family. I know I can make idle threats if I were to say/do something I have to follow through. I'll have to bring it up casually or just tell him about the policies of other places for drinking on the job. I fix copiers and I see some crazy policies posted next to the copier in the hr departments. And if I get kicked out I may as well count that as a blessing in disguise. Nthank you guys for the support. Perhaps I may try to pick up an alonon meeting.

Nero427

I confronted my AW about her sneaking drinks at work, and warned her of the possible repercussions. Three days later she was caught and fired for it. That was the final straw in a pile of final straws for me.

hopeful4

An Alanon meeting would be a great face to face support for you, regardless of what you choose to do. Congratulations on working your own recovery, that is so important no matter what happens.

Many hugs to you!

Liveitwell

@Nero-your saying-I'm totally stealing it from you. "That was the final straw in a pile of final straws for me". Sums everything up perfectly and succinctly.
I agree-Alanon sounds like it would be very beneficial to you, no matter what you choose to do.