Moving Forward
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2015
Posts: 299
Moving Forward
Hi,
I haven't posted in over a week. I have been reading other posts that have such hope and positive feelings. I wish mine did.
I filed my divorce papers about 2 weeks ago. I'm very sad and disappointed with myself. I should have know, why couldn't I have helped my ah. I feel like a failure in many ways.
My ah was a verbally abusive man when he drank which was most of the time. He took his anger out on me. Funny, I was the only person that stood by him, that didn't want anything from him, but him.
I've given up trying to figure out why this is happening to me. I had a wonderful marriage with my ah for 10 years. Again, I know I can't live on the past memories we had together.
I question myself. Maybe if I had taken a stronger stand earlier on, we both would be on the road to recovery, not the road to divorce.
My ah through attorneys, takes no responsibility for the night I called the police on him, because I was afraid. My ah claims he wasn't drunk, and it was ok for him to intimidate me by disconnecting the phone line, and saying abusive things to me. Also my ah claims it was ok for him to tell me to call the police, but I crossed a line when I called them. Funny, there seems to be a certain set of rules for my ah, and another fit me.
I am living in our home for the moment. I am looking for a place to live. Keep your fingers crossed, I'm seeing a place tomm., that will take my dogs, and it will be a stretch to afford, but I think I'll be able to manage.
The reason I'm leaving our home us it was my ah house before we married. Yes, my name is on the deed, and when things are settled my ah will have to buy me out or the house will be sold. In the mind of my ah, he feels this is his home, and frankly m, I'd probably get the house but I wouldn't feel safe here. My ah hasn't been back since the police incident in December.
So my story doesn't have a happy ending. My hope is that my ah will have a revelation and do something about his addiction . I pray for that everyday. I no longer hope or pray that our relationship will survive. It's far bigger a problem than that now.
Our marriage is such a p--s hole in the snow, in comparison to the issues my ah will face in the future.
I'm very sad today about how things turned out but am moving forward m. I hope my next post,I'll tell all I have a new place to live. Thank you all for your support and advice!
I haven't posted in over a week. I have been reading other posts that have such hope and positive feelings. I wish mine did.
I filed my divorce papers about 2 weeks ago. I'm very sad and disappointed with myself. I should have know, why couldn't I have helped my ah. I feel like a failure in many ways.
My ah was a verbally abusive man when he drank which was most of the time. He took his anger out on me. Funny, I was the only person that stood by him, that didn't want anything from him, but him.
I've given up trying to figure out why this is happening to me. I had a wonderful marriage with my ah for 10 years. Again, I know I can't live on the past memories we had together.
I question myself. Maybe if I had taken a stronger stand earlier on, we both would be on the road to recovery, not the road to divorce.
My ah through attorneys, takes no responsibility for the night I called the police on him, because I was afraid. My ah claims he wasn't drunk, and it was ok for him to intimidate me by disconnecting the phone line, and saying abusive things to me. Also my ah claims it was ok for him to tell me to call the police, but I crossed a line when I called them. Funny, there seems to be a certain set of rules for my ah, and another fit me.
I am living in our home for the moment. I am looking for a place to live. Keep your fingers crossed, I'm seeing a place tomm., that will take my dogs, and it will be a stretch to afford, but I think I'll be able to manage.
The reason I'm leaving our home us it was my ah house before we married. Yes, my name is on the deed, and when things are settled my ah will have to buy me out or the house will be sold. In the mind of my ah, he feels this is his home, and frankly m, I'd probably get the house but I wouldn't feel safe here. My ah hasn't been back since the police incident in December.
So my story doesn't have a happy ending. My hope is that my ah will have a revelation and do something about his addiction . I pray for that everyday. I no longer hope or pray that our relationship will survive. It's far bigger a problem than that now.
Our marriage is such a p--s hole in the snow, in comparison to the issues my ah will face in the future.
I'm very sad today about how things turned out but am moving forward m. I hope my next post,I'll tell all I have a new place to live. Thank you all for your support and advice!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
Posts: 3,050
I'm seeing a place tomm., that will take my dogs, and it will be a stretch to afford, but I think I'll be able to manage.
Sending a big hug to you and your doggies. This may not be the "success story" or "happy ending" you had written for yourself in your head, but I believe it could be a happy beginning to a new life, free from fear and abuse. I questioned myself as well, wondering if I had the recovery tools I've learned since leaving my ex, would things have turned into such a disaster?
Those questions don't help me heal, and neither does the erroneous belief that I "failed" somehow by choosing to protect myself from abuse. Don Draper said it best- "My life only moves in one direction, forward."
Forourgirls posted this thread a few days ago. I found it very insightful for dealing with those feelings of failure.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...im-leaves.html
Sending a big hug to you and your doggies. This may not be the "success story" or "happy ending" you had written for yourself in your head, but I believe it could be a happy beginning to a new life, free from fear and abuse. I questioned myself as well, wondering if I had the recovery tools I've learned since leaving my ex, would things have turned into such a disaster?
Those questions don't help me heal, and neither does the erroneous belief that I "failed" somehow by choosing to protect myself from abuse. Don Draper said it best- "My life only moves in one direction, forward."
Forourgirls posted this thread a few days ago. I found it very insightful for dealing with those feelings of failure.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...im-leaves.html
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Zircon.....this is all a part of the normal and necessary grieving process....
You are doing fine....because you are going forward....putting one foot in front of the other.....
He is in denial.....He doesn't have the ability to face himself and what he has done......His reality is distorted by the disease that he has..
Live in your own reality....not his....
I know how bad this all sucks.....most all of us, here, have been through it in one form or another...so we do understand how it feels.....
Life does go on....and, you will feel happy again.....promise!
dandylion
You are doing fine....because you are going forward....putting one foot in front of the other.....
He is in denial.....He doesn't have the ability to face himself and what he has done......His reality is distorted by the disease that he has..
Live in your own reality....not his....
I know how bad this all sucks.....most all of us, here, have been through it in one form or another...so we do understand how it feels.....
Life does go on....and, you will feel happy again.....promise!
dandylion
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Texas
Posts: 2,872
Zircon-you are doing great. It is ok to pray for him and hope he someday "gets it". But it is also okay that too much damage has been done to your marriage. He can't see-he doesn't have eyes to see what he's done. I too questioned a lot-even during my marriage-I was told by him and his mother I was not a good wife. No, I wasn't. What I was was an abused wife. I have no guilt for getting myself and my children away from his abuse. Not one ounce. You shouldn't either. (Easier said than done). Please keep posting!! One foot in front of the other. God will show you the path to happiness-and it's most certainly not with someone that causes you to fear for your safety, abuses you and then denies it/discounts your fears. That is not love, and you deserve better. Happiness is being free from those things!!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
Originally Posted by Zircon 
So my story doesn't have a happy ending.
This is the hardest part, but your eyes are open. Everything you're feeling is natural.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
SparkleKitty wrote exactly what I would have written. This is a chapter in your life, not the whole book. Think about all the books you've ever read that had "happy endings"--did the hero/ine struggle and have challenges and feel like all was lost at some point in the story? Maybe at several points?
I'm sometimes dismayed at the amount of time and energy and money I spent on bad relationships, but I learned something and grew stronger from them. There are some great things in my life now I wouldn't have if my life hadn't gone the way it did.
Trust me, there are good things ahead for you.
I'm sometimes dismayed at the amount of time and energy and money I spent on bad relationships, but I learned something and grew stronger from them. There are some great things in my life now I wouldn't have if my life hadn't gone the way it did.
Trust me, there are good things ahead for you.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2015
Posts: 299
Hi,
Just me, feeling I think scarried. I am a strong woman, but never thought I'd be in this position.
I faced a brain hemorrhage, and was one of the lucky ones that survived with minimal damage. I worked after it for 4 yrs, being the bread winner of the family, but it took a toll on my body. I was approved for disability on the first try. I think that is why this is so scary. I used to make an awesome living, now I'm living on a fixed income. It's seems in a short period of time, I have lost a lot. Maybe only in my mind.
I felt so secure in my marriage with my ah, but boy was I wrong. My ah has turned into a person I don't even know. He is controling and likes to intimidate me. Not acceptable. I guess I'm just rambling a bit.
I saw 2 places today, one which would be perfect for my 2 dogs, and me, small, but great location for my daughter to get to. The rent is a tad more than I can afford. I am praying they will work with me. Haven't heard anything yet. Even if they do come down, I will be living on a tight budget. I really don't need anything, so it should be ok.
The other place was within my budget, but very isolated. It would be difficult for me with my dogs. I always think about medical access, being a nurse, and it's off the beaten path.
So I'm really hoping the negotiations will go in my favor with the place I like.
I just need a plan so I can move forward. It's really hard to find a place that will take my dogs, so my options are limited.
Doesn't seem fair that I'm moving, my ah will be moving back in, and staying till the house is sold. Although it was his house before he were married, and in his mind it will always be his house, so I think I'll feel safer moving.
I'm hoping as time goes by, I'll feel better, less scarried about the future.
It seems my ah, after all he's done, is not paying a price for our actions. I know I am responsible here too.
I have so many unanswered questions, that I'm sure I'll never get the answers. My ah has stated he no longer loves me, I crossed a line by calling the police. How can someone just stop loving someone after 12 yrs. I still love him, despite what he has done.
I think I'll be happy when I know where I'm going be living, so I feel in control of my life again. Even though my ah isn't here, I feel he still has such control over my life.
Thank you for listening to my thoughts.
Just me, feeling I think scarried. I am a strong woman, but never thought I'd be in this position.
I faced a brain hemorrhage, and was one of the lucky ones that survived with minimal damage. I worked after it for 4 yrs, being the bread winner of the family, but it took a toll on my body. I was approved for disability on the first try. I think that is why this is so scary. I used to make an awesome living, now I'm living on a fixed income. It's seems in a short period of time, I have lost a lot. Maybe only in my mind.
I felt so secure in my marriage with my ah, but boy was I wrong. My ah has turned into a person I don't even know. He is controling and likes to intimidate me. Not acceptable. I guess I'm just rambling a bit.
I saw 2 places today, one which would be perfect for my 2 dogs, and me, small, but great location for my daughter to get to. The rent is a tad more than I can afford. I am praying they will work with me. Haven't heard anything yet. Even if they do come down, I will be living on a tight budget. I really don't need anything, so it should be ok.
The other place was within my budget, but very isolated. It would be difficult for me with my dogs. I always think about medical access, being a nurse, and it's off the beaten path.
So I'm really hoping the negotiations will go in my favor with the place I like.
I just need a plan so I can move forward. It's really hard to find a place that will take my dogs, so my options are limited.
Doesn't seem fair that I'm moving, my ah will be moving back in, and staying till the house is sold. Although it was his house before he were married, and in his mind it will always be his house, so I think I'll feel safer moving.
I'm hoping as time goes by, I'll feel better, less scarried about the future.
It seems my ah, after all he's done, is not paying a price for our actions. I know I am responsible here too.
I have so many unanswered questions, that I'm sure I'll never get the answers. My ah has stated he no longer loves me, I crossed a line by calling the police. How can someone just stop loving someone after 12 yrs. I still love him, despite what he has done.
I think I'll be happy when I know where I'm going be living, so I feel in control of my life again. Even though my ah isn't here, I feel he still has such control over my life.
Thank you for listening to my thoughts.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Texas
Posts: 2,872
Zircon-I understand your feelings. Truly. I was there in the confusion as well-trust me, as you get distance you will also get clarity. And just a gentle reminder that the fact that the last straw for HIM was you calling the police, well, that is what abusers do-they blame YOU for outing them-not their abusive actions. Btdt-I heard the same thing from my then husband (verbatim I was told "whst kind of wife calls the police on her husband". My answer to him-a wife that is sick of being abused by you).
Honey-he can't love you because he doesn't love himself! Has nothing to do with you.
You'll get your happiness! You will. But this is the tough, yucky icky part-but this too shall pass. It truly does get easier. Hugs and peace to you tonight. You are worthy and deserving of real love.
Honey-he can't love you because he doesn't love himself! Has nothing to do with you.
You'll get your happiness! You will. But this is the tough, yucky icky part-but this too shall pass. It truly does get easier. Hugs and peace to you tonight. You are worthy and deserving of real love.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 9,009
Heya Z, you are doing the right thing. I'm so sorry it has to hurt like all holy hell. Everyday you will heal a little bit even though some days will be better than other. I hope you get a place that will contribute to your peace and recovery from a terrible situation.
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