Liveitwell

My divorce group offered up an eloquent response to those of us that have been slandered, lied about, threatened , etc after leaving our abuser. Thought I'd share it with y'all bc no truer words have been said. I printed this and posted it in my journal.

"It is always interesting to me that the big sin is the victim leaving. Is a deflection from the fact that all the sin over the years from the abuser in the marriage is why she left. Victims don't choose the road of leaving-of alienation, of devastating loss, judgment by others that don't know the truth. They don't choose the road of leaving because their marriage was fixable or even remotely livable. They choose this road because it's the only road left. They leave when the pain of staying outweighs the incomprehensible pain of leaving."

Just, wow. Sums up my experience 100%. And it's worth everything so my girls have peace.

Bekindalways

Someone here said "a marriage contract is not a suicide pact."

I used to be so against divorce but life has humbled me and often on these boards I have to be careful not to scream at people. "GET OUT NOW!! RUN, RUN RUN. FIND A LAWYER. JUST LEAVE IMMEDIATELY!"

Liveitwell

^ agreed. He was taking me and all of us down with him. Glad I chose to get off and save me and our kids. God does not support abuse in a marriage-the husband is to love his wife as Christ loved the church-and hold her in the highest regard (per Christian beliefs).

I too have to hold my tongue at times and not scream-LEAVE-he's a liar and will hurt you again!!!! I know I needed support and not someone telling me what to do-I needed to figure it out in my own time. You are not alone in your tongue holding!!

dandylion

I would like to add to this that I do believe that in addition to giving compassionate support and validating the person's feelings---there is a role for offering options and reality feedback.......because, sometimes the person doesn't even know that there ARE any other options....and, may be so confused and not trusting their own judgement about what is real, anymore....

In any case, I have observed that people will balk when they feel pressured beyond how fast they want to progress......they will "plateau" and resist .....and, basically, do what they WANT to do.....(which is their human right, of course)....

dandylion

Dimndaruf

FOG, I'm with you on this. The abusers don't realize the direction they've pushed us into. I recently told my AH's sister that marriage is a serious commitment and it takes compromise but at the same token it's not a pass to have your way and abuse the other spouse and she agreed. There's a reason why divorce exists!

Liveitwell

^ thankfully you have a lucid non crazy coddling sister in law. I had the exact opposite. I agree with you on all points. Marriage is tough, very hard-even when you don't have an addiction thrown in there! I had tried everything but leaving-leaving is the only thing that brought my family peace.