Sabigal

Met my XAB after a heart breaking divorce I went through. I was not done with the grieving from the divorce and extremely vulnerable. Fast forward 2 1/2 years later and I am ending a relationship with a verbally abusive alcoholic. My divorce went smoother than this break up. He refuses help even though he has lost his job, totaled his car and was diagnosed with cirrhosis of the liver at the young age of 36. So I told him I won't be apart of him killing himself. I have two young kids that have watched this crap for too long and I feel awful. It's been over a month since he left my house to live with his parents. Non stop calls that are either begging to come back or screaming at me and calling me names. I told him no more contact last night. I told him to come in two weeks when my kids are not here to get his stuff. I told him I will have a friend here for support. He got crazy mad about a friend being present, screaming horrible things. I calmly said "I don't have to listen to this anymore" and hung up. Well, now his mother , an epic enabler, is calling me. I won't answer the calls. She is leaving messages wanting to set up a time for him to pick up his stuff and that he won't bother me anymore. Why can't we set a date to have the crap picked up and that be the end of it??! Why do I have to get calls from his mom now? I just want this nightmare to end. I need to heal.

On a positive note my children and I are at peace now. My house is filled with laughter and love again. I am working on finishing my degree, I got my dream job at a museum and I feel like I'm slowly piecing myself back together.

Then I have the other days that are filled with fear and doubt but those are getting to be farther and fewer.

wanttobehealthy

You are doing the right thing! Your childrens reactions sound wonderful. Good job removing yourself from a bad situation before it went on longer and got worse. Your boundary setting is impressive too. Amazing how many of these A men have mommy coddling and enabling isn't it?

Sabigal

Thank you! I just joined this group and I am very happy I did. I didn't realize how many of them had the mommy issues until I started reading through the posts and started seeing the pattern. It's very scary and something I never want to do with my son.

dandylion

Sabigal....why does it matter who sets the time.....as l ong as his stuff gets pickded up.....

I say to just get his stuff out of the house by whatever means works.....

I know it feels good to still gind your teeth about his mother...but, why take up your head space by something that is not even on your side of the street, any more?

dandylion

Sabigal

I see what you are saying. I left out that during our conversation we had agreed that things needed to be picked up on Jan 31st. This was agreed upon multiple times during the conversation. He got super upset about me wanting a friend present. That is when he started the name calling and screaming. After I ended the phone call that is when his mom called. It wasn't to set up the date it was to be involved. I truly think if I had answered that she would have ripped into me for hurting her son. Wouldn't have been the first time she would have done that to me and many other people that her son has hurt and then ran and played victim to his mom. Sorry I hadn't put this in the original post. So much is happening and I seem to ramble. So much to process.

dandylion

Sabigal....how much stuff does he have to p ick up?
Is it possible to put it all in heavy trash bags and put it all o n the porch or curb on Jan. 31st?
(save an e-mail notifying them about it (to protect y ourself)

have the friend present....and, call the police to remove him, if necessary.....

He can have Elmo pick it u p, if necessary.....it doesn't matter....

Often, these prolonged battles about "picking up the stuff' is just a convenient maneuver to continue to hang on....or, to just keep on fighting and to act out smoldering resentments.....

dandylion

Sabigal

So much stuff. An entire household was crammed in here just in August. There is another long story...

It has been a battle and he uses it every time. He just wants his beloved tv. If his parents were sane I would deal with them. I like the email idea. Put a deadline out there for everything.

I had sent a group text to him and his mom this morning (allowed for an overnight cooling session) stating "jan 31st had been the agreed upon date to pick up his stuff". I wanted to say so much more but I didn't and won't because it doesn't help. There will be support for me present.

dandylion

Good!!!

dandylion

Hawkeye13

To keep him out of your house, would it be possible to put it in the garage and porch with the help of a few friends the night before? He sounds pretty angry and unstable. . .

Praying

Hi, just wanted to send you hugs. I'm going through something very similar and he's supposed to pick up his stuff this weekend. Part of me will believe it when I see it, but I'm getting more hopped up all week as it approaches. (Just ran this afternoon to use up some of that energy.)

In my case I'm not calling out the DEEP mom and dad codependency even though I want to scream it...because at least maybe they'll help him get out of here, and then I can leave them all behind.

I know how you're feeling. I was trying to decide what I could legally do with his stuff if he doesn't get it, since I want him out end of January. I hope it doesn't come to that for either of us.

I do think they use their stuff as manipulation and to keep it going. Get it out as fast as you can and it will be easier to move forward.

Sabigal

Thank you Hawkeye 13. He is angry and unstable. I'm starting to think the police present might not be a bad idea either.

To Praying. Hugs to you too. I am so sorry that we are both going through this. I cannot wait for his stuff to be gone. I feel when all of it gone then I can start the slow process of piecing myself back together. I will pray for peace for both of us.