KidsR#1

This weekend I felt really sad, overwhelmed, and would cry without knowing why. I remember these feeling from our last separation.

I think some of it may have stemmed from a conversation with my mom- she complains alot and when I talk about things that AH has done/is doing she tries to compare it to stuff she goes through with my dad (which is not an alcoholic, although he drank alot when he was in his 20's and may drink socially the 2-3 times a year they go out- he's 71 now and still runs a full time business, so not her idea of how they would spend their retirement.) I do get frustrated and bite my tongue because in my eyes my dad has always been great. Yes he is quiet, but is a hard worker, part of the Fire dept still- just someone I have always looked up to. It is one of the reasons why I have the strong desire to be involved in my community. I saw as a child how it makes a difference! Plus if she wants to change her life, then get up and do it! (That's what I want to say her- not blame everything on my dad not selling the business yet. She has her own health issues related to her weight that she needs to work on, but is always finding excuses, placing blame on different doctors.) She often described her mom as a "dry drunk" and was abusive to her- could some of her disposition stem from her childhood? I imagine so.

It also didn't help that as I was organizing closet and dressers that I found 3 water/powerade bottles hidden. On one hand I was surprised, on the other it just reminded me that his drinking again was probably occurring more then I realized. I got down on myself on why did it take so long for me to notice the relapse, what could I have done different (which is probably nothing I know.)

Today I felt much better- worked most of the day and also given the chance to take on more hours (at my discretion, when I feel I can give extra hours.) How awesome does it feel to be needed at my job! Helping cover a vacancy for another department. No interest in the FT position (Involves on call, evenings/weekends) but definitely feeling good about the prospect about extra $. Plus I got a notice for a civil service test being offered in March for a position that I applied for at the local Social Services. While I have not heard about an interview I will take the notice as a positive sign. (I must meet some of the minimum requirements to at least be told about the test I figure.)

Then AH comes over tonight- looks exhausted! Said he didn't sleep good but has me wondering since he had a three day weekend. Said he met with his sponsor last night for their weekly meetings,and that he made the comment that he looked like he had the world on his shoulders. I didn't respond to that as I was not sure what I could say that would be helpful. I didn't let it affect my mood though. We had dinner (he brought the kids favorites for them to have.) then after dinner he makes the comment about the kids not caring if he is there. Well he already said he was tired and who wants to be around someone who doesn't seem in a good mood! With some encouragement, DS6 did his reading with AH and the 4 of us played a game. AH was looking at the calendar to see when we were free again to come over. I am pretty flexible, so left it a little open for this weekend, like after church, or when DD doesn't have her friend over. When he left he made the comment, well I'll see you sometime. I was pretty happy though when he left. Now time for some relaxation before heading to bed.

I really can't wait to start counseling next week to help sort all these different feelings I've been having. I must say, compared to our last separation, I feel much stronger already!