My thinking is getting warped
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Join Date: Oct 2015
Posts: 222
My thinking is getting warped
Hi all, I haven't been here in a little and I feel like I'm losing my mind and really need support. My STBAXH has been separated from me for 2 months now. But we were separated in the house for a few months prior which was just him sleeping in another room and our not speaking. Anyway, a few weeks ago I was feeling really great. I loved my freedom, not having to worry about his mood (he's not drinking but still has all the isms), didn't have to hear door slamming or wonder where he is at night. I loved having the house to myself and my adult children and I were in a good place. I was happy for the first time.
Then, I just don't know what happened. Like something in my brain went into survival mode and said no this is not good. And I have been replaying 26 years of marriage over in my head obsessively. I feel horrible shame and guilt in the way I treated him. I know so much of it was from not feeling any love from him and always feeling like the outsider in the marriage. My reaction was anger and criticism. I was a raging b*tch. I wouldn't have wanted to be married to me either. It was bad for as many years as I can remember. But my memory now is about him trying to be better and me being unrelenting. My friends and family have tried to remind me of how it was and funny how my mind won't remember that now. I am just so stuck on how awful I was.
I've asked him several times to talk and he won't. I talk about where I am in my recovery and how we both acted badly. I told him I have shame in how I acted and am working on that. I talk about how we had awful communication and my way of handling it was screaming and his was by shutting down. I said that if we are both in recovery we have new tools to work with and with therapy we can see if there is anything there. I said we never took a vacation in 26 years or went on a date. All we did was stay home and talk about the kids or work. I said we can start clean. He said he's not there, doesn't love me, doesn't want to grow with me and doesn't want to work on the marriage. He said he'll go to counseling only to talk about the kids. He said he doesn't feel anything for me.
I've been going to Alanon for a few months now, and recently have been going every day. And I've been going to therapy, reading and have recently started meds (because I cannot seem to stop the incessant crying or obsessive tape replaying about all the awful ways I acted).
For so many years I wanted him to stand up to me. To have a backbone. To not be a doormat. He finally gets one and leaves me. I wanted him to go to AA and get a sponsor. He did and now he says he won't speak to me without speaking with his sponsor first (the sponsor who talks about the good looking women in the AA room and jokes about drinking Patron--yes, I saw his texts). So I guess it was a be careful what you wish for kind of thing.
I am feeling absolutely awful. I literally wake up crying and go to bed crying. I can barely eat. I pray to my HP constantly for strength and understanding of the situation.
It's like his alcoholism was brought to light this past March, he went into recovery in March, and in November he moved out and in December asked for a divorce. I just don't understand. I've said you're not supposed to make changes for a year they say because you change so much in that first year. He said, yes and when he stopped drinking he realized more than ever he didn't want to be married to me.
I was unhappy for so many years in the marriage. More than I can recall. Why can't I remember why. Why does all the stuff he used to do seem insignificant now. Our marriage therapist called me at home yesterday because I was a mess. She said I don't love him the way my mind is making me believe I did. She said even if he came back I wouldn't be happy with him. I feel like a kid in middle school that wants the boy that doesn't want her. And part of me feels like how do you take 26 years and throw it away when you finally find the problem.
I said to him yesterday that it's like driving a car blindfolded and you keep crashing into everything. That was our marriage. And then you say you'll work harder but leave the blindfold on so you keep hitting things. Then you go to therapy and recovery and take the blindfold off and instead of trying again you throw away the car.
I just wish this was not so painful. I have so much sadness. I went back and re-read my prior posts and I see my frustration with him and my anger and I remember that, but it doesn't seem so important. I know this is my head messing with me. I know if he came back, since he hasn't really done his recovery (he's still lying and non-communcative, and still says he has too much blame, anger and resentment towards me) I would be back to square one.
And I also know that I should want more for me than to be with someone that I need to CONVINCE to love me. I should have more self respect and want someone that wants to be with me. Someone that is excited when I call and not someone who always sends me to voice mail. I know I'm worth more. I just can't seem to shake wanting to be with someone who was not meant for me. Maybe it's a self worth thing. I don't know. But I have got to find a way to move on from this and accept that it's over. I just can't seem to get there.
Feeling really horribly sad and in so much pain.
Then, I just don't know what happened. Like something in my brain went into survival mode and said no this is not good. And I have been replaying 26 years of marriage over in my head obsessively. I feel horrible shame and guilt in the way I treated him. I know so much of it was from not feeling any love from him and always feeling like the outsider in the marriage. My reaction was anger and criticism. I was a raging b*tch. I wouldn't have wanted to be married to me either. It was bad for as many years as I can remember. But my memory now is about him trying to be better and me being unrelenting. My friends and family have tried to remind me of how it was and funny how my mind won't remember that now. I am just so stuck on how awful I was.
I've asked him several times to talk and he won't. I talk about where I am in my recovery and how we both acted badly. I told him I have shame in how I acted and am working on that. I talk about how we had awful communication and my way of handling it was screaming and his was by shutting down. I said that if we are both in recovery we have new tools to work with and with therapy we can see if there is anything there. I said we never took a vacation in 26 years or went on a date. All we did was stay home and talk about the kids or work. I said we can start clean. He said he's not there, doesn't love me, doesn't want to grow with me and doesn't want to work on the marriage. He said he'll go to counseling only to talk about the kids. He said he doesn't feel anything for me.
I've been going to Alanon for a few months now, and recently have been going every day. And I've been going to therapy, reading and have recently started meds (because I cannot seem to stop the incessant crying or obsessive tape replaying about all the awful ways I acted).
For so many years I wanted him to stand up to me. To have a backbone. To not be a doormat. He finally gets one and leaves me. I wanted him to go to AA and get a sponsor. He did and now he says he won't speak to me without speaking with his sponsor first (the sponsor who talks about the good looking women in the AA room and jokes about drinking Patron--yes, I saw his texts). So I guess it was a be careful what you wish for kind of thing.
I am feeling absolutely awful. I literally wake up crying and go to bed crying. I can barely eat. I pray to my HP constantly for strength and understanding of the situation.
It's like his alcoholism was brought to light this past March, he went into recovery in March, and in November he moved out and in December asked for a divorce. I just don't understand. I've said you're not supposed to make changes for a year they say because you change so much in that first year. He said, yes and when he stopped drinking he realized more than ever he didn't want to be married to me.
I was unhappy for so many years in the marriage. More than I can recall. Why can't I remember why. Why does all the stuff he used to do seem insignificant now. Our marriage therapist called me at home yesterday because I was a mess. She said I don't love him the way my mind is making me believe I did. She said even if he came back I wouldn't be happy with him. I feel like a kid in middle school that wants the boy that doesn't want her. And part of me feels like how do you take 26 years and throw it away when you finally find the problem.
I said to him yesterday that it's like driving a car blindfolded and you keep crashing into everything. That was our marriage. And then you say you'll work harder but leave the blindfold on so you keep hitting things. Then you go to therapy and recovery and take the blindfold off and instead of trying again you throw away the car.
I just wish this was not so painful. I have so much sadness. I went back and re-read my prior posts and I see my frustration with him and my anger and I remember that, but it doesn't seem so important. I know this is my head messing with me. I know if he came back, since he hasn't really done his recovery (he's still lying and non-communcative, and still says he has too much blame, anger and resentment towards me) I would be back to square one.
And I also know that I should want more for me than to be with someone that I need to CONVINCE to love me. I should have more self respect and want someone that wants to be with me. Someone that is excited when I call and not someone who always sends me to voice mail. I know I'm worth more. I just can't seem to shake wanting to be with someone who was not meant for me. Maybe it's a self worth thing. I don't know. But I have got to find a way to move on from this and accept that it's over. I just can't seem to get there.
Feeling really horribly sad and in so much pain.
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Join Date: Oct 2015
Posts: 222
Re-reading my post I think I should've titled it "My Codependency has Been Kicked up into High Gear". Or maybe "Faith and Fear Cannot Reside in the Same Dwelling and Fear has Kicked Faith to the Curb". In reading through someone else's post today on codependency and everyone's comments on it I really see how my codependency still is in active stage and needs much more recovery. I also see that I have completely identified my worth and happiness on being with my husband. That I have convinced myself that without him I'm nothing. My rational brain knows this to be completely false. My codependent, emotional side however is winning the battle and has me believing my worth is in what he thinks of me.
I remember someone saying on here to me once "don't look to the person who hurt you to be the person who heals you". And I see I am totally doing that. I cannot figure out how to get off this crazy train. For years he called me crazy and for years I believed it. I think I still do. Ugh.
I remember someone saying on here to me once "don't look to the person who hurt you to be the person who heals you". And I see I am totally doing that. I cannot figure out how to get off this crazy train. For years he called me crazy and for years I believed it. I think I still do. Ugh.
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
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I am sorry you hurting!! I do believe what you are experiencing is very normal and part of the healing path. Yes, we all must own our part. No, this wasn't all your husband's fault.
Coulda, shoulda, woulda is a dangerous game to play. We can't get in a time machine and re-do what has been done. We can learn and apply mistakes to future situations.
What I read here is that you and your husband are incompatible. You probably always have been. Taking the alcoholism out of the equation......you communications styles are different, your interests are different, I don't see a common denominator here except for the kids and work.
And part of me feels like how do you take 26 years and throw it away when you finally find the problem. Some problems AREN"T solvable. Incompatibility, lack of common interest, and failure in communication styles is seldom fixable. It doesn't make either of you right or wrong. it just is what it is.
I said we never took a vacation in 26 years or went on a date. All we did was stay home and talk about the kids or work. This. 26 years is your entire marriage. You don't even indicate a honeymoon period of year that most people get at the very least when they dismiss all the bad habits and lack of common interests cause the are too busy having sex and don't care.
Your therapist is right - if he came back nothing will change. You can't change these things in yourself or him.
With that said you also need to give yourself a break and stop replaying yourself as the villain. Living with Active Alcoholism is a freaking nightmare. Had it not been there I doubt you would have done everything you did, but I also doubt you would be happy with the situation either.
Work on forgiving yourself for your actions. Its the most important puzzle piece.
Coulda, shoulda, woulda is a dangerous game to play. We can't get in a time machine and re-do what has been done. We can learn and apply mistakes to future situations.
What I read here is that you and your husband are incompatible. You probably always have been. Taking the alcoholism out of the equation......you communications styles are different, your interests are different, I don't see a common denominator here except for the kids and work.
And part of me feels like how do you take 26 years and throw it away when you finally find the problem. Some problems AREN"T solvable. Incompatibility, lack of common interest, and failure in communication styles is seldom fixable. It doesn't make either of you right or wrong. it just is what it is.
I said we never took a vacation in 26 years or went on a date. All we did was stay home and talk about the kids or work. This. 26 years is your entire marriage. You don't even indicate a honeymoon period of year that most people get at the very least when they dismiss all the bad habits and lack of common interests cause the are too busy having sex and don't care.
Your therapist is right - if he came back nothing will change. You can't change these things in yourself or him.
With that said you also need to give yourself a break and stop replaying yourself as the villain. Living with Active Alcoholism is a freaking nightmare. Had it not been there I doubt you would have done everything you did, but I also doubt you would be happy with the situation either.
Work on forgiving yourself for your actions. Its the most important puzzle piece.
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,452
FindingAmy, I have so much empathy for you in these times of wrenching grief. I had a similar life, finally leaving my then alcoholic cross addicted narcissist abusive husband of almost 20 years.
My time is very short this morning, so let me make two suggestions. First, there is a book called The Betrayal Bond: Breaking Free of Exploitive Relationships by Patrick Carnes Ph.D. that I found breathtakingly insightful in just the situation you are in.
Second, I think that your emotions and your intellect are working at cross-purposes right now. Your emotions are real, genuine, and they are what they are. But I think that your mind is mis-interpreting them.
For me, as my marriage ended, and as I went through the divorce and all the feelings it released, there were distinct stages.
First, and there was much truth in this, I felt that the problems my husband and I had were because of his abuse and his alcoholism which caused me severe harm and trauma. I did not and could not see much of my role in the unraveling of our marriage. I was too beaten down, and too traumatized and I just needed to get out, get free.
Second, and this was ultimately much harder and yet profoundly liberating and healing, I began to see my role in the downfall of our marriage.
At this point in time, I was flipping back and forth between seeing life, and our marriage, through my own eyes, versus taking his point of view and seeing from his perspective, as I had done for many years in our marriage.
At times I would berate myself and blame myself for ruining his life, even though the evidence was clear that I had suffered just as much at his hands. I was used to taking all the blame on myself. That was what he had required and demanded for many years. I had sunk into being less and less of myself, and more and more of what he projected me to be.
He was running for a small political office, and I wrote on SR that by filing divorce for cause, I would ruin his life because everyone would know. People here straightened me out, time and time again, and I would recover and stabilize my sense of self only to fall back into the hole of "it was all my fault" and I had "lost the best man in the world".
This was one of the most painful stages of growth for me.
Then as time went on, with counselling and a lot of introspection, I moved on to where I could see that yes, I did have accountability for my behavior and the failure of the marriage, but so did he. The rational part of my mind began to grow and stabilize, and the raw excesses of grief and blame began to dissipate.
Right now, I think you are feeling the ravages of loss and grief mixed up with the trauma of abuse that you suffered in your marriage. And your mind is attaching guilt and blame and self loathing to those raw and powerful feelings because that is the level of understanding that you are at now. You are labeling yourself and your emotions in the language of your marriage because that is as far as you have gotten in understanding and freeing yourself from the emotional construct that your marriage bound you in.
That will change. Your mind will begin to comprehend that, in the end, blame and guilt in such an overwhelming way, is not true. The truth of the failure of a marriage is very complex, and the more your mind can grasp, the more you can see your true role in its downfall, and the more you can heal and grow beyond it.
Have to go now, hope this makes sense. I would suggest reading my posts from the beginning forward, and I think you will see a similar set of feelings in my experience, and the progression through and beyond them.
There is hope, and it is your right to have it. For me, life is immeasurably better, joyful, and fulfilling now, and that awaits you.
ShootingStar1
My time is very short this morning, so let me make two suggestions. First, there is a book called The Betrayal Bond: Breaking Free of Exploitive Relationships by Patrick Carnes Ph.D. that I found breathtakingly insightful in just the situation you are in.
Second, I think that your emotions and your intellect are working at cross-purposes right now. Your emotions are real, genuine, and they are what they are. But I think that your mind is mis-interpreting them.
For me, as my marriage ended, and as I went through the divorce and all the feelings it released, there were distinct stages.
First, and there was much truth in this, I felt that the problems my husband and I had were because of his abuse and his alcoholism which caused me severe harm and trauma. I did not and could not see much of my role in the unraveling of our marriage. I was too beaten down, and too traumatized and I just needed to get out, get free.
Second, and this was ultimately much harder and yet profoundly liberating and healing, I began to see my role in the downfall of our marriage.
At this point in time, I was flipping back and forth between seeing life, and our marriage, through my own eyes, versus taking his point of view and seeing from his perspective, as I had done for many years in our marriage.
At times I would berate myself and blame myself for ruining his life, even though the evidence was clear that I had suffered just as much at his hands. I was used to taking all the blame on myself. That was what he had required and demanded for many years. I had sunk into being less and less of myself, and more and more of what he projected me to be.
He was running for a small political office, and I wrote on SR that by filing divorce for cause, I would ruin his life because everyone would know. People here straightened me out, time and time again, and I would recover and stabilize my sense of self only to fall back into the hole of "it was all my fault" and I had "lost the best man in the world".
This was one of the most painful stages of growth for me.
Then as time went on, with counselling and a lot of introspection, I moved on to where I could see that yes, I did have accountability for my behavior and the failure of the marriage, but so did he. The rational part of my mind began to grow and stabilize, and the raw excesses of grief and blame began to dissipate.
Right now, I think you are feeling the ravages of loss and grief mixed up with the trauma of abuse that you suffered in your marriage. And your mind is attaching guilt and blame and self loathing to those raw and powerful feelings because that is the level of understanding that you are at now. You are labeling yourself and your emotions in the language of your marriage because that is as far as you have gotten in understanding and freeing yourself from the emotional construct that your marriage bound you in.
That will change. Your mind will begin to comprehend that, in the end, blame and guilt in such an overwhelming way, is not true. The truth of the failure of a marriage is very complex, and the more your mind can grasp, the more you can see your true role in its downfall, and the more you can heal and grow beyond it.
Have to go now, hope this makes sense. I would suggest reading my posts from the beginning forward, and I think you will see a similar set of feelings in my experience, and the progression through and beyond them.
There is hope, and it is your right to have it. For me, life is immeasurably better, joyful, and fulfilling now, and that awaits you.
ShootingStar1
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,455
I am so sorry you are hurting. Still, your self awareness is encouraging, and these are all the questions you should be asking if you want to move past your codependent relationship with this man.
However (you knew there would be a however, didn't you?), it sounds to me like a lot of the acute pain you are feeling is the natural result of constantly going back to the source of your pain expecting it to be the source of your healing. You're going to the hardware store for bread. They will never sell bread at the hardware store, Amy. He has been excruciatingly clear that he cannot offer you anything, and you can either accept that and grieve, or keep trying to convince him otherwise (against your own articulated best interests) and keep getting your heart ripped open over and over.
I know you are involved in a business with your ex, so No Contact may not be possible. But you need distance to work through your issues. Distance, and time.
No new contact = No new hurts.
However (you knew there would be a however, didn't you?), it sounds to me like a lot of the acute pain you are feeling is the natural result of constantly going back to the source of your pain expecting it to be the source of your healing. You're going to the hardware store for bread. They will never sell bread at the hardware store, Amy. He has been excruciatingly clear that he cannot offer you anything, and you can either accept that and grieve, or keep trying to convince him otherwise (against your own articulated best interests) and keep getting your heart ripped open over and over.
I know you are involved in a business with your ex, so No Contact may not be possible. But you need distance to work through your issues. Distance, and time.
No new contact = No new hurts.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
FindingAmy.......I can relate to the sadness and crying, etc. I once went through a horribly painful break-up after and almost 4yr. relationship....
This was about 6mo. before I met my darling husband (who later passed).....
After that horrible break-up, I was a total HOT MESS!
I su rmise that you are in the process of grieving....which can be unbelieveably painful. It can also be very scary...because it may feel, (to you), like it pain won't pass and that it might swallow you up...(it won't).
I wonder, in your case, if you are being further stymied--because you seem to still be clinging to hope for a revival of the relationship---emotionally, even if you know, mentally, that it is futile....
This makes it even harder--because the "hope" gives intermittent reinforcement---which is the most intense ki nd of reinforcement.....
2 months is a short time in terms of grieving....At 2months..I could barely breathe, much of the time. Grieving is individual to each person...but, it DOES take time!
I know that, in some places, it is recommended that a person actually join a Grief Group....the same kind that is recommended for those who have experienced the death of a spouse or partner....
A person who is grieving needs tons and tons of support....especially, from people who truly understand and have been through it, themselves....
You will get through this...given time, and lots of support.....
dandylion
This was about 6mo. before I met my darling husband (who later passed).....
After that horrible break-up, I was a total HOT MESS!
I su rmise that you are in the process of grieving....which can be unbelieveably painful. It can also be very scary...because it may feel, (to you), like it pain won't pass and that it might swallow you up...(it won't).
I wonder, in your case, if you are being further stymied--because you seem to still be clinging to hope for a revival of the relationship---emotionally, even if you know, mentally, that it is futile....
This makes it even harder--because the "hope" gives intermittent reinforcement---which is the most intense ki nd of reinforcement.....
2 months is a short time in terms of grieving....At 2months..I could barely breathe, much of the time. Grieving is individual to each person...but, it DOES take time!
I know that, in some places, it is recommended that a person actually join a Grief Group....the same kind that is recommended for those who have experienced the death of a spouse or partner....
A person who is grieving needs tons and tons of support....especially, from people who truly understand and have been through it, themselves....
You will get through this...given time, and lots of support.....
dandylion
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Join Date: Oct 2015
Posts: 222
Dandylion, this definitely feels like grieving, though grieving for death (as awful as it is, and I do know it and have experienced it) feels as though it would be easier as once it's done it's done. This constant idea of him still popping in and out (and yes we own a business together, so it's daily interaction) is what is so difficult. Yes, it's this little hope I hang onto, which doesn't really exist, so I'm not sure of what part of it I'm hanging onto.
I do think so much of this is fear. Besides the whole self worth thing, I do believe I am so afraid. I got married right out of college, literally months after graduation. And had kids right after. My therapist told me I went from being a child to being a parent and was never an adult. I never had to learn anything about myself because I was always taking care of someone (kids, alcoholic husband even though I didn't know he was for the entire marriage). She said that everything I know is gone. My husband left, my youngest went to college this past September, and my daughter moved across the country. All I knew for the past 26 years was ripped out from under me and I have no choice but to now look at myself. And my brain will do anything in it's power to prevent that from happening.
I do feel that once I can tackle that and accept it and do this work that my mind is so reluctant to me doing, I can make some real progress. Until then I will keep picking up d*mn scraps that he leaves along the way. I really need to get a grip on myself and start doing the really hard work. I thought I had, but obviously not.
Redatlanta, you're very right about incompatibility. And I used to say we were the perfect storm. We don't have the same religious views, political views, taste in movies, taste in music, taste in books, etc. We are intellectually incompatible as well. He would never play any word games, etc. with me because he said he'd lose. I guess we got married very young and at 23 who knows what was the driving force. Sex probably and the irony is his addiction to porn which I found later in our marriage and the sexless marriage we've had for the past 5 years or so. The irony.
He always used to say to me that he'd never be enough and he could never meet my expectations and he'd never be good enough and on and on. The irony there is that lately that's how I feel towards him. As though the tables have been turned. He used to say that he felt as soon as he fixed one thing that bothered me there would be another thing. Maybe I was just trying to make him into something that he just wasn't. Maybe as I aged I knew more of what I wanted in a husband, and his living inside of his head, wasn't enough for me. I needed someone to share life with and he was raised in a family of non-communicators. And maybe I just was trying to change that so much, but it wasn't who he was.
ShootingStar "Right now, I think you are feeling the ravages of loss and grief mixed up with the trauma of abuse that you suffered in your marriage. " Yes, yes and yes. Funny how all the isms of his alcoholism are being put to the side by my emotional mind. His inability to emotionally connect, to speak, to not lie, to be responsible, any of that. I have to try and recall those things, rather than just beat myself up over my part in it. I do own my part. But it wasn't all me, which he would like me to believe.
You are all helping me so much today. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.
I do think so much of this is fear. Besides the whole self worth thing, I do believe I am so afraid. I got married right out of college, literally months after graduation. And had kids right after. My therapist told me I went from being a child to being a parent and was never an adult. I never had to learn anything about myself because I was always taking care of someone (kids, alcoholic husband even though I didn't know he was for the entire marriage). She said that everything I know is gone. My husband left, my youngest went to college this past September, and my daughter moved across the country. All I knew for the past 26 years was ripped out from under me and I have no choice but to now look at myself. And my brain will do anything in it's power to prevent that from happening.
I do feel that once I can tackle that and accept it and do this work that my mind is so reluctant to me doing, I can make some real progress. Until then I will keep picking up d*mn scraps that he leaves along the way. I really need to get a grip on myself and start doing the really hard work. I thought I had, but obviously not.
Redatlanta, you're very right about incompatibility. And I used to say we were the perfect storm. We don't have the same religious views, political views, taste in movies, taste in music, taste in books, etc. We are intellectually incompatible as well. He would never play any word games, etc. with me because he said he'd lose. I guess we got married very young and at 23 who knows what was the driving force. Sex probably and the irony is his addiction to porn which I found later in our marriage and the sexless marriage we've had for the past 5 years or so. The irony.
He always used to say to me that he'd never be enough and he could never meet my expectations and he'd never be good enough and on and on. The irony there is that lately that's how I feel towards him. As though the tables have been turned. He used to say that he felt as soon as he fixed one thing that bothered me there would be another thing. Maybe I was just trying to make him into something that he just wasn't. Maybe as I aged I knew more of what I wanted in a husband, and his living inside of his head, wasn't enough for me. I needed someone to share life with and he was raised in a family of non-communicators. And maybe I just was trying to change that so much, but it wasn't who he was.
ShootingStar "Right now, I think you are feeling the ravages of loss and grief mixed up with the trauma of abuse that you suffered in your marriage. " Yes, yes and yes. Funny how all the isms of his alcoholism are being put to the side by my emotional mind. His inability to emotionally connect, to speak, to not lie, to be responsible, any of that. I have to try and recall those things, rather than just beat myself up over my part in it. I do own my part. But it wasn't all me, which he would like me to believe.
You are all helping me so much today. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 598
Oh goodness! So sorry you are hurting so much - believe me I understand - I am dealing with some of the same issues . I am too messed up to offer advice but can offer an ear and a hug and send you love- you deserve someone who adores you (when you are ready) but for now adore and take care of yourself which is what I'm trying to do - very very hard for me like you to suddenly be alone . I went to the book store and bought Beyond Codependency. Please pm me anytime . Try to hang in there - I'm a cryer too this too shall pass ughhhhhh
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Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
A number of us have been where you are. Previous to RAH I was engaged and dating a psychotic sex addict. LOL!!!! Ok, so when he broke up with me I went through what you are going through right now......maybe a little different because I didn't really see the incompatibility that was there since the sex was so great and intense. BTW.....did I mention he had a wife and family 2 states away that he hadn't mentioned until I found out 6 months in? I literally thought i would never recover from this guy, and it was a much shorter relationship than 26 years. I spent 6 months trying to turn myself into what "I thought" he was looking for so he would come back. However, during that time too I naturally healed, and started working on getting myself in great shape (I'll admit the initial idea behind that was to entice the Nutcase, but I ended up getting way more out of it myself).
That's why I say what you are going through is very normal. For me yes I turned crazy. He didn't "make" me crazy per se. I put up with his unacceptable behavior yearning for a relationship that had no legs AT ALL. We had NOTHING in common. I had to forgive myself for all of it because I should have walked away with the first humongous lie, and I didn't.
Anyways, as a side note I had been long split from him (years) and ran into him. It was odd kind of to stand there and talk to someone whom I thought I couldn't breathe without at one point in my life, and he utterly repulsed me. He had gained weight (a lot) and gone really gray (Yay). his lower teeth were as crooked a dog d!ck (never noticed before). He had horrible taste in clothes and was STILL wearing a pair of shoes I had bought him I can't imagine how many times they had been resoled. All that is physical,l and I don't mean to sound shallow. I point it out because I saw him as the best looking man when we were together, and he was actually, stunningly, mediocre in looks. He talked about himself the entire time, he also did when we were together. Everything was about him. His issues, his work, his accomplishments, him him him him him. Nothing in common at all between the two of us.
You will work through this period I promise. Treat yourself well, do good things for yourself. Perspective will return.
Trust me one day you will talk to your Ex and wonder what the hell you ever saw in him.
That's why I say what you are going through is very normal. For me yes I turned crazy. He didn't "make" me crazy per se. I put up with his unacceptable behavior yearning for a relationship that had no legs AT ALL. We had NOTHING in common. I had to forgive myself for all of it because I should have walked away with the first humongous lie, and I didn't.
Anyways, as a side note I had been long split from him (years) and ran into him. It was odd kind of to stand there and talk to someone whom I thought I couldn't breathe without at one point in my life, and he utterly repulsed me. He had gained weight (a lot) and gone really gray (Yay). his lower teeth were as crooked a dog d!ck (never noticed before). He had horrible taste in clothes and was STILL wearing a pair of shoes I had bought him I can't imagine how many times they had been resoled. All that is physical,l and I don't mean to sound shallow. I point it out because I saw him as the best looking man when we were together, and he was actually, stunningly, mediocre in looks. He talked about himself the entire time, he also did when we were together. Everything was about him. His issues, his work, his accomplishments, him him him him him. Nothing in common at all between the two of us.
You will work through this period I promise. Treat yourself well, do good things for yourself. Perspective will return.
Trust me one day you will talk to your Ex and wonder what the hell you ever saw in him.
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
Posts: 3,050
Trust me one day you will talk to your Ex and wonder what the hell you ever saw in him.
^^^^Yes, this!
I also found that working the steps in Alanon and especially completing a 4th step inventory have helped me to uncover more of my "self" that was buried under all the codependent behavior. When I started it felt like I was excavating an avalanche with a teaspoon. I was such a mess! But by working on it a little bit every day I broke it down to manageable chunks. Afterward I did my 5th step with my therapist (I don't have an Alanon sponsor) and it was such a weight lifted.
Hugs to you Amy. You've got this.
^^^^Yes, this!
I also found that working the steps in Alanon and especially completing a 4th step inventory have helped me to uncover more of my "self" that was buried under all the codependent behavior. When I started it felt like I was excavating an avalanche with a teaspoon. I was such a mess! But by working on it a little bit every day I broke it down to manageable chunks. Afterward I did my 5th step with my therapist (I don't have an Alanon sponsor) and it was such a weight lifted.
Hugs to you Amy. You've got this.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
Amy,
Hugs my friend, you are grieving!!!!!!! Own that, your life is totally changing.
I went through the same thing you did being married 26 years. Last child left for college, sold our biz that we had together for 22 years, was unemployed, oldest child came out gay, marriage was a disaster. Talk about stressers. I felt like I was in a bottomless pit and looking for my husband to pull me out. Needless to say he had friends and a life and was to busy living it. He couldn't help as he never had helped me, he couldn't help himself. I was always in survival mode and kept busy with the kids not realizing my life was a wreck. Now everyone was gone and I had to be alone. I had been seeing a therapist and she kept saying "detach". But never showed me how, this was all I ever knew.
I finally started hitting all my alanon meetings and open aa meetings. These people understood the craziness my life had become. I slowly had the strength to reach out to an attorney for a divorce. Slowly started going through stuff and got my house up for sale. I sold it and slowly found a town home to buy and the divorce went though almost 11 months later. Only with the support of these members, did I survive what I had to do.
I always say that I still love my axh and we talk and see each other. Some days I wish we were together. Then when we are together I am grateful I can be apart from him. My life now is soooooo calm, quiet, peaceful, and boring some times, but I am in control.
I survived and you will too. You need to take deep breaths and tell yourself that you can do this!! You can do anything you put your mind too.
Hugs my friend, we are all here to help you get through this!!
Hugs my friend, you are grieving!!!!!!! Own that, your life is totally changing.
I went through the same thing you did being married 26 years. Last child left for college, sold our biz that we had together for 22 years, was unemployed, oldest child came out gay, marriage was a disaster. Talk about stressers. I felt like I was in a bottomless pit and looking for my husband to pull me out. Needless to say he had friends and a life and was to busy living it. He couldn't help as he never had helped me, he couldn't help himself. I was always in survival mode and kept busy with the kids not realizing my life was a wreck. Now everyone was gone and I had to be alone. I had been seeing a therapist and she kept saying "detach". But never showed me how, this was all I ever knew.
I finally started hitting all my alanon meetings and open aa meetings. These people understood the craziness my life had become. I slowly had the strength to reach out to an attorney for a divorce. Slowly started going through stuff and got my house up for sale. I sold it and slowly found a town home to buy and the divorce went though almost 11 months later. Only with the support of these members, did I survive what I had to do.
I always say that I still love my axh and we talk and see each other. Some days I wish we were together. Then when we are together I am grateful I can be apart from him. My life now is soooooo calm, quiet, peaceful, and boring some times, but I am in control.
I survived and you will too. You need to take deep breaths and tell yourself that you can do this!! You can do anything you put your mind too.
Hugs my friend, we are all here to help you get through this!!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 3,699
You are recovering and you are grieving. So many of us have been there - you will get through it, I know it is very painful!
I see some amazing positive things in your post.
You are seeing your part in things. Man, this part hit me like a ton of bricks. The shame from my behaviors - I spent so much time in a spiral about his behaviors, and it took me getting out to see the magnitude of mine. I felt so much better after just saying that I see many of the things I did wrong, and that I was so sorry for them. I was FINALLY in a place to see it, apologize for it, and expect nothing in return...and it felt so, so good. A weight was lifted.
The grief - theres no timeline on that. He is telling you where he is at, and that is painful when you are in a different place than he is. The pain will end faster when you accept it for what it is, feel it ALL, and then let it go. If you keep trying to explain, keep trying to talk through it, and keep thinking about a future with him, it will only prolong your suffering, and healing.
(((HUGS))) to you. This is so, so difficult, and even though it may not seem that way, it will lead you to some truly amazing things. Best to you.
I see some amazing positive things in your post.
You are seeing your part in things. Man, this part hit me like a ton of bricks. The shame from my behaviors - I spent so much time in a spiral about his behaviors, and it took me getting out to see the magnitude of mine. I felt so much better after just saying that I see many of the things I did wrong, and that I was so sorry for them. I was FINALLY in a place to see it, apologize for it, and expect nothing in return...and it felt so, so good. A weight was lifted.
The grief - theres no timeline on that. He is telling you where he is at, and that is painful when you are in a different place than he is. The pain will end faster when you accept it for what it is, feel it ALL, and then let it go. If you keep trying to explain, keep trying to talk through it, and keep thinking about a future with him, it will only prolong your suffering, and healing.
(((HUGS))) to you. This is so, so difficult, and even though it may not seem that way, it will lead you to some truly amazing things. Best to you.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
I really recommend Alanon, which saved my sanity and introduced me to others in recovery who understood the path I was on. The 12 Steps offer enormous help in getting rid of guilt and resentment, especially the 4th and 5th steps.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2015
Posts: 222
Thank you all. Knowing I'm not alone in this means everything. I had a very hard weekend (weekends and evenings are brutally rough) and I should've posted sooner. I have to accept this is what is best and let it go. Today, for the first time I was very busy and didn't have any time to take his calls or texts and now it's 4:15 and the day is almost over and it made me realize I have to find ways to be busier. Otherwise my mind kicks into overdrive and starts messing with me.
I also realize just when I think I have this codependency thing licked, I still have so far to go. I see that my job as the "fixer" came to an abrupt halt when everyone moved out and now I have nobody to fix but myself. I wish I could put as much energy into fixing me as I put into fixing everyone else.
And I look forward to wondering what the hell I ever saw in him!
I have been going to alanon almost every day and will go again tonight. I know I need to get a sponsor but have not really found anyone I feel that I would like to do that with. But I keep going. This weekend's meeting was on forgiving yourself. It was perfect and I felt better. Until I got home, then everything fell apart in my mind again.
My therapist today had me work on what his part was in the downfall of the marriage. In going over it at length made me realize that he played his part as well. And not only was I making him in my mind that he was so wonderful, I was also fantasizing that the marriage was so wonderful. Neither of which were true. So the exercise really helped bring me back to reality. The work is so hard and exhausting. The grief is so hard and so painful. The roller coaster ride of emotions is nauseating and I look forward to the ride settling down and my getting off of it! Until then I'll keep going to alanon and keep coming here. You guys are my salvation.
I also realize just when I think I have this codependency thing licked, I still have so far to go. I see that my job as the "fixer" came to an abrupt halt when everyone moved out and now I have nobody to fix but myself. I wish I could put as much energy into fixing me as I put into fixing everyone else.
And I look forward to wondering what the hell I ever saw in him!
I have been going to alanon almost every day and will go again tonight. I know I need to get a sponsor but have not really found anyone I feel that I would like to do that with. But I keep going. This weekend's meeting was on forgiving yourself. It was perfect and I felt better. Until I got home, then everything fell apart in my mind again.
My therapist today had me work on what his part was in the downfall of the marriage. In going over it at length made me realize that he played his part as well. And not only was I making him in my mind that he was so wonderful, I was also fantasizing that the marriage was so wonderful. Neither of which were true. So the exercise really helped bring me back to reality. The work is so hard and exhausting. The grief is so hard and so painful. The roller coaster ride of emotions is nauseating and I look forward to the ride settling down and my getting off of it! Until then I'll keep going to alanon and keep coming here. You guys are my salvation.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,455
Originally Posted by FindingAmy 
I wish I could put as much energy into fixing me as I put into fixing everyone else.
It is not going to happen as fast as you like, but the journey itself is full of wonderful things.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,784
Originally Posted by SparkleKitty
Here is the secret: it takes way more energy to deal with your own issues because you can *actually* fix them.
And, I still think most of your Ex's behavior is rooted in avoiding any REAL issues....... he's not hurting because he's not recovering. Not because he's so grounded & balanced & handling this all like a champ. He will not engage on anything where the blame or responsibility are resolutely in his corner because he knows he can't "win". Easier to cut bait than to fish in that way of thinking - it is tremendously easier to bury the past & pretend it away than it is to face those issues head-on. Hollow victory, good for him if that's all it takes to feel like a Whole Person.
*I* have a much higher standard that I hold myself to, so that way of thinking no longer works for me. (if it ever truly did?)
And this:
Originally Posted by ladyscribbler
When I started it felt like I was excavating an avalanche with a teaspoon.
It made me look a little slow at times, I'm sure - taking more than just a few moments to think something through. Examine previous reactions/methods - did they work? why/why not? Change? Change how? Abstain altogether & think some more? What was the Right Answer????!!!??? Wait. What do you mean, I may have to fail/fall down a few times to learn this process? I don't want that - I just want to do it right, the first time & be d.o.n.e. What's so wrong about that?
Seeing my own part was hard & humbling but worth it & I'm sure you'll find the same to be true. It was hard to stop myself from constantly looking for ways to qualify my mistakes - shifting the blame the same way he did in active addiction. I only did *this* because he did *that*. I "had to" do things because "who else was going to", etc.
Any time I wanted to give up, I tried to focus on how it was helping me to NOT drag those same dysfunctions into future relationships. You both certainly played a part in the demise of your marriage, you're both responsible for your actions & reactions. But only one of you is willing to do the Real Work of Recovery.
Like that infamous quote reminds us, "If you're going through hell, KEEP GOING.
Keep going Amy!
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,784
I do think so much of this is fear. Besides the whole self worth thing, I do believe I am so afraid. I got married right out of college, literally months after graduation. And had kids right after.
You don't have to abandon your fear in order to move forward bravely. You can pick it up & carry it with you into the new process & as you build new tools/thought processes you'll find that it just starts to get lighter & dissolves on it's own in the presence of the newer, stronger tools alongside it in your toolbox.
Have you examined the roots of your codependency prior to marriage? Was there anything in your childhood or family-of-origin dynamic that helped to plant the seeds of codependency under the foundation that you built those 26 yrs on? You don't have to answer here; this is great stuff to journal to help you dig deeply into the roots of it all.
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: TX
Posts: 380
Originally Posted by FindingAmy
Today, for the first time I was very busy and didn't have any time to take his calls or texts and now it's 4:15 and the day is almost over and it made me realize I have to find ways to be busier. Otherwise my mind kicks into overdrive and starts messing with me.
I can so completely understand and agree - you have to keep busy either physical or mentally or both. My house was the cleanest it had been (after rah and I separated). I made lists of thing I wanted/needed to get done. I made lists of lists (ok, a bit of exaggeration). I cleaned out closets, boxes, organized, went shopping (for nothing), planned vacations (that I may or may not ever take), spent hours in book stores (craft stores was another big time consumer), took walks - I made a schedule for the entire day the night before. I over booked myself so I would drop dead tired by the time my head hit the pillow. I took on line classes (for pleasure) - in fact, I am still doing that. I did anything and everything to keep myself busy. I don't remember if you have young children but get into a routine with them. Play board or card games (dominoes and Yahtzee are great for improving math), sort the legos by color and size (haha). Go shopping for a rug for the bathroom - don't settle for ok, go until you find exactly what you want. Goodwill, Salvation Army, garage sales. Do you have a YMCA? Do they have a pool? Usually you can use it fo a minimal fee. Public library - just to pick out books or story time for the kidos. Make it an adventure. Explore a park that you have wanted to but just never have (ok, may be the wrong time of year for that, but you get the idea)
For "down time" I would play mindless "hidden object" computer games, catch up on movies that I hadn't seen or read a book, but I made them a deliberate act with a ritual and I would schedule them too. I would prepare a good cup of tea, bowl of popcorn or ice cream - turned off the phone and wouldn't answer the door.
I am so sorry you are hurting - just trying to offer some suggestions.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 430
Hi Amy,
I left my husband two months ago, and I know some of what you're feeling (though thank goodness I don't have to see my AH very often).
I have a book recommendation that's helping me, if it's not too new agey for you: Warrior Goddess Training. A friend recommended it to help me take charge of my own power as I go through this huge transition in life. One of the things the author says that resonated with me and may speak to your situation is that after her husband and partner left her, the author asked herself, "What do you miss about him?" and realized, "what I was grieving in that moment was his quiet, calm love and presence." Then she asks herself, "What are you going to do to bring what you are missing--quiet, calm love--into this space? How can you create that for yourself?" She continues, "I knew it was time for me to stop looking outside myself for quiet, calm love, and to creatively commit to cultivating what I was craving" (5).
Her insights resonate with me; hope they help you, too.
I left my husband two months ago, and I know some of what you're feeling (though thank goodness I don't have to see my AH very often).
I have a book recommendation that's helping me, if it's not too new agey for you: Warrior Goddess Training. A friend recommended it to help me take charge of my own power as I go through this huge transition in life. One of the things the author says that resonated with me and may speak to your situation is that after her husband and partner left her, the author asked herself, "What do you miss about him?" and realized, "what I was grieving in that moment was his quiet, calm love and presence." Then she asks herself, "What are you going to do to bring what you are missing--quiet, calm love--into this space? How can you create that for yourself?" She continues, "I knew it was time for me to stop looking outside myself for quiet, calm love, and to creatively commit to cultivating what I was craving" (5).
Her insights resonate with me; hope they help you, too.
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