leem03

How do you all find the strength to stay sane? It is so hard sometimes to make it through the day. All I do is think about him all day long. I haven't seen or talked to my AH much over the past week and it really is killing me. He has attempted to contact me a few times but I just keep it short & basically rude. I hate being rude to him. It kills me inside. He started calling me Sunday about 5pm and I didn't take his calls. He left a message at 6:30 crying & very drunk saying he was sorry, that he needed my help. That he was ready to go to rehab but he needed me to go with him. I listened to the message & didn't call back right away, figuring it was just ploy to get me to return his call. So against my better judgement I waited an hour & called back. No answer. I left a message just saying I was returning his call. I assume he went and passed out somewhere, probably at the OW's place. So then I worry all night long. Should I have called sooner. Would he really have gone to rehab? Is he ok? Is he dead on the side of the road somewhere? All night long I did this & all morning long too. I finally called his dad about 11am the next day just to see if he heard from him. Because I couldn't take not knowing if he was ok or not. I just wanted to make sure he was still living. He was! But what torture that night & day!

This is so hard. I've asked him to leave the house repeatedly. He leaves but comes home during the day when I'm at work. It doesn't help matters that he leaves and goes to the OW's. It's very hard to live you life this way. I'm trying very hard to do for me now. To do things that will make me happy.

journeygal

Hi Leem,

For the past 6 weeks my husband has been binging. I have seen him maybe 5 days since the end of July. I don't hear from him for days on end and since he rarely answers his cell phone or keeps it turned on, I have no way of reaching him or knowing whether he's dead or alive.

How do I stay sane? I focus on the health of my baby. I have to keep it together for her (or his) sake. I do not need a lot of stress invading my every thought and affecting our health. I pray every day for my husband's safety but I don't wonder where he is or try to find him. If something happens to him, the cops will be by to let me know. So no news is not so bad.

I had to detach. I used to lay awake at night, worried and upset. I used to call his cell phone repeatedly. I used to spend every moment thinking about him and neglecting my health and my life. But I had to let go of that behavior b/c it was making me sick. I wasn't living. I was just going through the motions and I didn't want to live like that anymore.

I go to al-anon meetings and I go to counseling. I keep in touch with my friends and I try not to isolate. I go to work, I take care of my dogs and my stepdaughter, and I sleep soundly at night. It took me years to get to this point but I finally stopped focusing on him and started focusing on me, and now I focus on my little one.

Your life and your sanity come first. Try to find ways to detach from him and focus on yourself and what would make you happy or bring you peace. Trust me, your husband is fine. If something happens to him, you'll know. So try not to worry about him. He's a grown man and drunk or sober, he can take care of himself.

Take care,
JG

inthelight

Hi Leem,

How to stay strong.....hmmm......well, what helps me is to pray about the situation. You cannot expect to reason with your A. They are all about what they want, it sounds like you just keep getting sucked back into the cycle. I agree that you should focus on your needs/wants for a little while and I think things will begin to become clear. Remember...what doesn't kill us makes us stronger! Also, a friend once told me that other people will treat you the way you allow them to treat you. Take care and I will pray for you.

cwohio

leem - i have a hard time detaching too being new to the recovery road. but obsessing doesn't change anything and all it does it make us sicker. we need to get to the point that journeygal has and live our life. easier said than done - i know - because i am there too.

hugs to you - cwohio

Gwenyth

Lately, I've found it helpful to repeat the serenity prayer over and over and over and over... Lord, Help me to accept the things I cannot change. The strength to change the things and I can. And the wisdom to know the difference. I can't change whether AH sobers up or not. I'm learning to accept this. I can change how I respond to his behavior (and whether I worry myself sick about him), so I am working on me. Hang in there!

CrazyRed

The last few months, I have gained a large sense of accomplishment and peace thru home projects. Painted the kitchen, the bathroom, outdoor yard projects. Last night, I installed a new shelving system on the kitchen wall! I dig it and it's fun for me. That is part of my new sanity.

Yep, been there on the ALO not picking up/ret calls on the cell phone -it's maddening, isn't it? The Al doesn't have to pick up b/c I'd keep calling back and in the mean time it gives the Al 'control' over the situation and ME. I broke the cell phone cycle by not repeating my calling efforts, AL got the action message and it's no longer a big problem for me. I also quit calling around for him. It didn't take long, really. Now we communicate on a more even level. Besides, why should he have picked up the phone when all I was calling to do was nag/bitch and ask where, when and why -checking up?

Enough said.

Petunia

Sometimes I find the strength out of revenge - to be living proof that "There's no better revenge than living well" - and in this case well means health rich not necessarily money rich. But oddly enough I've found that when I start living "well" so many other aspects of my life also start to get better, finances, fitness, work, etc. My HP works in mysterious ways when I stop trying to grab the wheel.

Wishing you peace, for as long as you can stand it (that's one I'm still working on myself)

Petunia