look at your old posts!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 982
Right?!
I have a hard time getting through some of my first posts...
I sound so naive it's embarrassing and hard to read....
But yeah, it's been a good boost for me to see just how far I've come... though I still have SOOO far to go.
Hope you're doing better today HH!!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: USA
Posts: 2,393
And remember to pay it forward, y'all!! You already are but just a message to newcomers that when you get here, you're on a journey and we're here to help! You may not like what you hear in the beginning, but the truth prevails!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Texas
Posts: 2,872
^ yep. True! I find it hard to read some ofmy old posts....makes me sick to my stomach but happy at the same time that's no longer my life. I finally made a choice to save my life and my kids lives-I hope to help others do the same. It is not an easy thing to do and this forum is not exactly where I saw myself being dailyBUT it's exactly the right place for me to find healing and strength and wisdom among the chaos of life with an alcoholic-or life after leaving an alcoholic.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Well, I don't have to re-live my worst moments here on SR (I was a couple of years sober and long gone from my alcoholics by the time I got here), but I've got plenty of cringeworthy stuff in the archives of Moderation Management from my drinking days back when I was up to my eyebrows in self-delusion.
And NO, I'm not telling anyone what name I was posting under back then, over there!
And NO, I'm not telling anyone what name I was posting under back then, over there!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
Posts: 3,050
I got the same feeling reading through my old journals. It's like a horror movie where you're yelling at the screen, "No dumb@$$ don't go down the creepy staircase with the one blinking fluorescent light!"
I thought if I just loved him the right way he'd get sober for me.
Also very glad not to be living that insanity anymore.
I thought if I just loved him the right way he'd get sober for me.
Also very glad not to be living that insanity anymore.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Texas
Posts: 2,872
Lady-darnit you did it again. Took the words out of my mouth. Exactly. The one friend I've showed my journal to told me to send it to lifetime or dateline. That bad. And it just keeps going! :/ ah, I too thought if I loved my ex the right way or enough or if I was (fill in the blank) then he would stop drinking and stop hurting me and his family. I could get him to see the light!!! Pfffft. I spent way too many years in that insanity and am thankfully off the crazy train. I did NOT want to end up like his mother or mine stating things like "I tried my while life to get him to stop drinking....,etc" and scar my children for life - the book of my life is going to have many more chapters to it-it's not ending with giving up my life for an alcoholic-and I know this because I'm writing the story of my life!!
This is a great thread-btw-it's not fun looking back at times at the stuff they did or just how insanely crazy and angry and just yucky we were in many respects but it does give us the chance to see truly how much we have grown. Peace to y'all!
And HHTexas-yes, your husband is an ass!
This is a great thread-btw-it's not fun looking back at times at the stuff they did or just how insanely crazy and angry and just yucky we were in many respects but it does give us the chance to see truly how much we have grown. Peace to y'all!
And HHTexas-yes, your husband is an ass!
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Great idea!
It is very difficult to look at oneself honestly.
That is why most people don't do it & just keep distracting themselves, it takes courage and humility to do so.
Congratulations for moving forward!
It is very difficult to look at oneself honestly.
That is why most people don't do it & just keep distracting themselves, it takes courage and humility to do so.
Congratulations for moving forward!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 9,009
I went through leaving ABF before internet so don't have the posts to remember. But I STILL remember the psycedelic-glow-in-the-dark pain of that time. Remembering that helps me to be gentle with folks here going through this.
Okay maybe I should be gentler but so far I haven't quite said, "No dumb@$$ don't go down the creepy staircase with the one blinking fluorescent light!" (Well said Ladyscribbler!!). I do rewrite posts often to try to make them gentler as it is such a dingdangdadblasted difficult thing to do.
Hat tip to all of you who have been through this. It is one hell of a way to acquire humility and wisdom.
Okay maybe I should be gentler but so far I haven't quite said, "No dumb@$$ don't go down the creepy staircase with the one blinking fluorescent light!" (Well said Ladyscribbler!!). I do rewrite posts often to try to make them gentler as it is such a dingdangdadblasted difficult thing to do.
Hat tip to all of you who have been through this. It is one hell of a way to acquire humility and wisdom.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: My mind wanders a lot, but I try to stay in the present.
Posts: 1,007
Many years ago, I used to keep a journal to help me process anxiety attacks that would overcome me as a result of my XAH's drinking. Specifically the fact that he would sometimes go missing for hours and hours on end. I was having some pretty severe panic symptoms that would come on even when he was only a couple minutes late. I started documenting them as a way to try and understand what was happening to me.
I find it extremely hard to read that old journal. Even looking at it, even thinking about it now, makes some of those old panicky feelings come back. I don't have a problem remembering, or talking about that time. But reading my own words, which were always written while I was in the throws of a panic episode, is just to raw.
Maybe eventually I'll be able to, but not yet.
I find it extremely hard to read that old journal. Even looking at it, even thinking about it now, makes some of those old panicky feelings come back. I don't have a problem remembering, or talking about that time. But reading my own words, which were always written while I was in the throws of a panic episode, is just to raw.
Maybe eventually I'll be able to, but not yet.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 786
I thought that at one point if I'm comfortable with it I might turn my journals into a book...then thought nobody would believe it because it's just too crazy...then thought--wait, maybe all those other totally unbelievable tv shows and movies ARE true!!!
And ladyscribbler, same exact thing happens to me when I read mine. That dumb woman!!! That's funny! It's also part of why it was so hard to forgive myself initially for the years lost and damage done.
But to all still in it...life on the other side is very very good. And I know myself in a way that's a true gift of the experience.
And ladyscribbler, same exact thing happens to me when I read mine. That dumb woman!!! That's funny! It's also part of why it was so hard to forgive myself initially for the years lost and damage done.
But to all still in it...life on the other side is very very good. And I know myself in a way that's a true gift of the experience.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Texas
Posts: 2,872
Praying and Lady-I have to share that while reading your posts the Geico commercial popped into my head (the one with the teenagers spoofing a horror movie-making fun of how all horror flicks are the same and what a bunch of idiots they are!)....made me laugh out loud! Praying-i too had to forgive myself for being crazy-he was right about that-i was crazy to have stayed as long as I did and have children with the monster he truly is.
I too considered/still consider turning my journal into a book someday soon-to help others get out before their journal looks like mine :/
I too considered/still consider turning my journal into a book someday soon-to help others get out before their journal looks like mine :/
Member
Join Date: Jul 2015
Posts: 246
Yep. This is good advice. Thankfully, I only had to read one month's worth of posts to be reminded.
All this week, my husband is saying to me (after his confession) - to give him a chance (lost count of the # of chances I gave him), it will be different, no more "fighting" him, it was the secret that led him to behave in that manner (blame shifting, rationalizations), he'll be a better man.
It's sad. I had to shield myself from those words while I followed through with a consultation with a lawyer for a physical separation. I want to believe him. I think they know our vulnerabilities and use it against us. My vulnerability is to believe the best in others. With addiction, I have come to believe that vulnerability only comes back and bites you in the a**. It's probably the reason I held on to my rose-colored glasses much longer than I should have.
Anyway, it dawned on me the other day - Wait a minute. His words sound familiar. I've gone through this before. But, when? And then, I remembered. It was a month ago. I wrote it in one of my threads. Thank goodness, I did.
Read your threads, posts and journals. The evidence is there. We're not losing our minds.
All this week, my husband is saying to me (after his confession) - to give him a chance (lost count of the # of chances I gave him), it will be different, no more "fighting" him, it was the secret that led him to behave in that manner (blame shifting, rationalizations), he'll be a better man.
It's sad. I had to shield myself from those words while I followed through with a consultation with a lawyer for a physical separation. I want to believe him. I think they know our vulnerabilities and use it against us. My vulnerability is to believe the best in others. With addiction, I have come to believe that vulnerability only comes back and bites you in the a**. It's probably the reason I held on to my rose-colored glasses much longer than I should have.
Anyway, it dawned on me the other day - Wait a minute. His words sound familiar. I've gone through this before. But, when? And then, I remembered. It was a month ago. I wrote it in one of my threads. Thank goodness, I did.
Read your threads, posts and journals. The evidence is there. We're not losing our minds.
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