Reality and being 49 and single
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Join Date: Jul 2010
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Your forensic accountant might also not have been aware that the principal of this company is an alcoholic, and even if he were aware, he might not have a clue what that MEANS in terms of the ways things can go south on a moment's notice.
Sounds like you're putting together a good game plan, there. One step at a time, first things first and all that.
Sounds like you're putting together a good game plan, there. One step at a time, first things first and all that.
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Join Date: Oct 2015
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Yes, LexieCat, I have found that although someone might understand he's an alcoholic, they have absolutely no clue about the traits and pain that come along with that. I think the forensic accountant just looked at the bottom line and thought, why would you want to leave this? He didn't understand the nightmare that came with those dollar signs.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
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Exactly. Serenity really IS priceless--there's NO amount of money that would persuade me it's worth continuing to live with/work with an active alcoholic.
A lesser example: when I sold business-related property that I owned with my ex, my accountant suggested I invest in a rental property. I know myself, and how much owning rental property, with responsibility to deal with a tenant, would stress me out. I said, "Thanks for the advice, but it wouldn't be worth it TO ME." Not everything boils down to a business decision.
A lesser example: when I sold business-related property that I owned with my ex, my accountant suggested I invest in a rental property. I know myself, and how much owning rental property, with responsibility to deal with a tenant, would stress me out. I said, "Thanks for the advice, but it wouldn't be worth it TO ME." Not everything boils down to a business decision.
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Yeah, valuations are pretty black & white, logic-based numbers. It doesn't relate one bit to dealing with addiction. I've walked away from prosperous positions to avoid that pain & aggravation & I can tell you it's a short-term sacrifice for a long-term gain.
I also think the valuation is important in terms of your divorce all around - it's a marital asset after all, and having concrete proof of it's value before you step away from it may become important later. And YES I would work on a buyout while there is profit to be had. (I know I've been preaching that for a while, I'm sorry if it comes off too strong.... but I've seen people hang in there until there is nothing left. My boss calls it going broke safely, because it's such a gentle slide vs. a rapid, significant change.)
When you discuss strategies for more income with your accountant, don't forget about looking at tax-deferred ways of offsetting some of it, to see if that would help. (Like an IRA, if you aren't already maxing one out every year.) And remember that you are still married - how much of what you sock away will still be considered a joint asset?
Man, I can totally relate to this. For me, it's an ACoA thing. I got so good at codependency so early in life that I just never learned how to prioritize my own interests. I never learned the value of pursuing hobbies & interests. (Play vs. work) And it was easy out to play a supporting role to others, honestly. I never had any real exposure, any vulnerability that way. I just kind of "ended up" in jobs. I've helped 4 people start businesses of their own! I helped my friend become one of the 1st female contractors in our area, but I couldn't name a single passion I'd like to pursue? In all honesty, the saddest part in all of that is that *I* never saw it, not really. And when I did? I blamed others for being so needy. {insert eyeroll here}
My current position is the 1st one that I went after for myself & while it's still not my passion, it HAS afforded me the time & security to keep searching for it. It also introduced me to new people & things, more stepping stones. New ways to test the waters with the things I was learning in my recovery - to me, it's a totally different perspective with new people than it is with existing relationships that have so much history. Those relationships are often about breaking patterns, these were about establishing healthier ones, earlier on.
You really are making great progress Amy!
I also think the valuation is important in terms of your divorce all around - it's a marital asset after all, and having concrete proof of it's value before you step away from it may become important later. And YES I would work on a buyout while there is profit to be had. (I know I've been preaching that for a while, I'm sorry if it comes off too strong.... but I've seen people hang in there until there is nothing left. My boss calls it going broke safely, because it's such a gentle slide vs. a rapid, significant change.)
When you discuss strategies for more income with your accountant, don't forget about looking at tax-deferred ways of offsetting some of it, to see if that would help. (Like an IRA, if you aren't already maxing one out every year.) And remember that you are still married - how much of what you sock away will still be considered a joint asset?
How can nothing interest me?
My current position is the 1st one that I went after for myself & while it's still not my passion, it HAS afforded me the time & security to keep searching for it. It also introduced me to new people & things, more stepping stones. New ways to test the waters with the things I was learning in my recovery - to me, it's a totally different perspective with new people than it is with existing relationships that have so much history. Those relationships are often about breaking patterns, these were about establishing healthier ones, earlier on.
You really are making great progress Amy!
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She wrote a cover letter that was basically "You're never going to read this letter anyway so I might as well swing for the fences and have some fun with this."
i believe there is some real wisdom in the above......now if you are applying as the head brain surgeon at nationally known hospital, then maybe you keep the humor to a minimum. but in many other positions, that trait of "being real" and not just another resume of the 132 already rec'd has great merit.
when my daughter was applying for the administrative job she has today, 5 years later, they asked her to write a business letter to anyone of her choosing on any subject. while she was in their waiting area they has some pretty dreadful Muzak piped in. when she was driving TO the interview she heard Peter Frampton on the radio (which she is really too young - 32 now - to appreciate) and so she started her letter: Dear Mr. Frampton.....and went on to ask if it was possible her company could have permission to play HIS music instead of the really awful Muzak......
she got the job. she caught them off guard with her spunk and willingness to color outside of the lines.
on her first day at work, i sent her a bouquet of flowers from Pete F. her boss loved it. said she must have a really cool mom..........
i believe there is some real wisdom in the above......now if you are applying as the head brain surgeon at nationally known hospital, then maybe you keep the humor to a minimum. but in many other positions, that trait of "being real" and not just another resume of the 132 already rec'd has great merit.
when my daughter was applying for the administrative job she has today, 5 years later, they asked her to write a business letter to anyone of her choosing on any subject. while she was in their waiting area they has some pretty dreadful Muzak piped in. when she was driving TO the interview she heard Peter Frampton on the radio (which she is really too young - 32 now - to appreciate) and so she started her letter: Dear Mr. Frampton.....and went on to ask if it was possible her company could have permission to play HIS music instead of the really awful Muzak......
she got the job. she caught them off guard with her spunk and willingness to color outside of the lines.
on her first day at work, i sent her a bouquet of flowers from Pete F.
her boss loved it. said she must have a really cool mom..........
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Oh, how great, Anvil! Just a few months before I got this job, I applied for something similar with a similar agency. My first phone interview (they were also based in D.C.), they gave me ten minutes to prepare a five-minute phone presentation on "how to make a peanut butter and jelly sandwich." As part of my presentation I cautioned about the dangers of licking off a sharp knife.
They LOVED it, and I got invited down for an in-person interview. I didn't do QUITE as well on that one--it was my first time creating or presenting an actual Power Point presentation (and it was on a "real" topic, not sandwich-making), and didn't get hired for that, but I blew them away at my interviews for THIS job, which pays literally TWICE the salary the other one did and did not require me to relocate.
Hey, interviewers are probably THRILLED to meet someone with an (appropriate) sense of humor--makes slogging through the resumes and interviews a little less dull!
They LOVED it, and I got invited down for an in-person interview. I didn't do QUITE as well on that one--it was my first time creating or presenting an actual Power Point presentation (and it was on a "real" topic, not sandwich-making), and didn't get hired for that, but I blew them away at my interviews for THIS job, which pays literally TWICE the salary the other one did and did not require me to relocate.
Hey, interviewers are probably THRILLED to meet someone with an (appropriate) sense of humor--makes slogging through the resumes and interviews a little less dull!
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
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BTW, just a footnote to the above, I had to do a Power Point (yes, I know it's one word, for some reason SR asterisks it out if I type it as one word) for my in-person interview for the job I have now. My "practice" doing it at the previous interview enabled me to totally NAIL this one. People asked me afterwards if this is one I had presented previously--um, no, I prepared it specifically on the topic I was assigned for the interview, but I saw everyone smiling and nodding as I was presenting it, so I figured I did something right!
EVERY interview is good practice, I'm convinced. And if you're interviewing for jobs you aren't DYING to get, so much the better. The worst that happens is you blow them away and get hired.
EVERY interview is good practice, I'm convinced. And if you're interviewing for jobs you aren't DYING to get, so much the better. The worst that happens is you blow them away and get hired.
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FireSprite that is such a good line--going broke safely. That's exactly what it seems like. Just going slowly down a slippery slope and I want to get out before it begins to snowball. I know like you said, it's short term sacrifice for long term gain.
I will speak to the accountant about the tax implications as I already max out my IRA. I do need to also think about the money I'm saving as that will be considered a marital asset, which seems quite unfair to me. Every month his bank account is down to zero and he needs to take money out of the business (which I match dollar for dollar). But all I have I save. So is it right that in divorce if it gets divided, i get half of his nothing and he gets half of my savings? That doesn't seem right, but then again, none of this does.
As for the nothing interests me...it is so much about spending my entire life trying to please everyone else and finding no worth in myself, so I helped everyone else pursue their interests. Even this business. It's my AH's passion, not mine. But all the questions, "what would you do if nobody was looking" i don't know. "what would you do if you couldn't fail" i don't know. "what would you do if money wasn't an issue" i don't know. I have no idea. That's why the temp agency idea sort of appeals to me. It's like a grab bag. I have no idea what will come up, but I'll either love it or hate it, but at least it'll be a starting point.
My 23 y.o. daughter told me to get back into graphic design, which I don't really want to. But we were looking at jobs online and I said I don't have all the qualifications. She said "Mom, do you know that men use the job requirements as a guideline and women see them as requirements. Stop thinking like that! Just go for it and see what happens". So I think while it won't be graphic design, as I'm a bit burnt out there, I will swing for the fences on other jobs.
You have all inspired me to just get out there and the doors of opportunity will start opening. It certainly isn't going to happen sitting here in my home office.
And jjj11, you're right, I'm so done with propping him up. I've done it for so many years I was thinking it's all I knew how to do. It's how identified with myself and it's so NOT who I am. Time to start propping myself up for once.
Tomorrow is a big day with alot of phone calls and questions. I get butterflies thinking about it, but I'm forging ahead. Thanks for the support and inspiration.
I will speak to the accountant about the tax implications as I already max out my IRA. I do need to also think about the money I'm saving as that will be considered a marital asset, which seems quite unfair to me. Every month his bank account is down to zero and he needs to take money out of the business (which I match dollar for dollar). But all I have I save. So is it right that in divorce if it gets divided, i get half of his nothing and he gets half of my savings? That doesn't seem right, but then again, none of this does.
As for the nothing interests me...it is so much about spending my entire life trying to please everyone else and finding no worth in myself, so I helped everyone else pursue their interests. Even this business. It's my AH's passion, not mine. But all the questions, "what would you do if nobody was looking" i don't know. "what would you do if you couldn't fail" i don't know. "what would you do if money wasn't an issue" i don't know. I have no idea. That's why the temp agency idea sort of appeals to me. It's like a grab bag. I have no idea what will come up, but I'll either love it or hate it, but at least it'll be a starting point.
My 23 y.o. daughter told me to get back into graphic design, which I don't really want to. But we were looking at jobs online and I said I don't have all the qualifications. She said "Mom, do you know that men use the job requirements as a guideline and women see them as requirements. Stop thinking like that! Just go for it and see what happens". So I think while it won't be graphic design, as I'm a bit burnt out there, I will swing for the fences on other jobs.
You have all inspired me to just get out there and the doors of opportunity will start opening. It certainly isn't going to happen sitting here in my home office.
And jjj11, you're right, I'm so done with propping him up. I've done it for so many years I was thinking it's all I knew how to do. It's how identified with myself and it's so NOT who I am. Time to start propping myself up for once.
Tomorrow is a big day with alot of phone calls and questions. I get butterflies thinking about it, but I'm forging ahead. Thanks for the support and inspiration.
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Join Date: Jul 2010
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A lawyer can explain how property division works in your state. Most have a form of "equitable distribution," which means everything isn't divided up 50-50, but in the most equitable fashion. It may be that he gets his business (for whatever that may be worth) but you get to keep all your savings. Is there a house? Maybe you get that. If you gave up professional opportunities to help build his business, you might be entitled to temporary alimony, which you could, in turn, negotiate for something more reliable (like a lump sum payment of some kind). There are all kinds of ways things can be worked out. He'll be responsible for child support until your son is done with college (and probably have to contribute to his educational expenses), but beyond that, everything is negotiable. And even if the court has to decide (something you want to avoid if at all possible--litigation is expensive), you should make out OK.
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Just to reinforce some of the other stories Amy, I recently got an excellent job in my field, well paid, great company, after 2 years unemployment and at age 59. Some companies really value experience and know that young people move on more than older workers.
You have, let's say, a great sense of responsibility, strong work ethic, can organise a herd of cats, problem solving skills, ability to get along with the team etc. These are greatly desired by managers who really love workers who are capable, reliable and not having boyfriend dramas all the time.
One thing I'd strongly suggest is that you update your computer and technology skills, if they've fallen behind. Make sure you're well groomed and wearing office clothes. Smile.
I found going over interview questions with my daughter (who is a manager) helped me formulate phrases in my head, so I didn't get lost for words in the interview. I also wrote down the names of software I'd used, times I'd had a good result, fixed a problem etc. If you're nervous in an interview these stories can vanish unless you've practiced telling them.
You have, let's say, a great sense of responsibility, strong work ethic, can organise a herd of cats, problem solving skills, ability to get along with the team etc. These are greatly desired by managers who really love workers who are capable, reliable and not having boyfriend dramas all the time.
One thing I'd strongly suggest is that you update your computer and technology skills, if they've fallen behind. Make sure you're well groomed and wearing office clothes. Smile.
I found going over interview questions with my daughter (who is a manager) helped me formulate phrases in my head, so I didn't get lost for words in the interview. I also wrote down the names of software I'd used, times I'd had a good result, fixed a problem etc. If you're nervous in an interview these stories can vanish unless you've practiced telling them.
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Amy.....I think Feeling Great makes a really valid point....that the attributes that the older worker (you are not OLD...but, you are not fresh out of the chute, either) brings to the job are very valuable and wise employers know this!!
I will share a story along these lines: My husband was hiring a receptionist for a large and busy human resources at a prestigious organization....and he got tons of applications.
When he finally hired one...I asked him "why did you pick her?" He told me that it was because she was once a professional clown (went to clown school).
She was also middle aged....
He said that he liked her comfortable, pleasant manner and he knew that she could handle the crap that would be coming her way.....
Turns out....she was great!
dandylion
I will share a story along these lines: My husband was hiring a receptionist for a large and busy human resources at a prestigious organization....and he got tons of applications.
When he finally hired one...I asked him "why did you pick her?" He told me that it was because she was once a professional clown (went to clown school).
She was also middle aged....
He said that he liked her comfortable, pleasant manner and he knew that she could handle the crap that would be coming her way.....
Turns out....she was great!
dandylion
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It think your path as to what to do with the business should be directed by your accountant and attorney regarding a financial division in divorce. If it were me, I'd take what I could negotiate and get out while the getting is good. We know Alcoholism is progressive. While he has been able to maintain with you there, there are no guarantees he will continue to maintain (in fact the statistics would say he won't be able to down the road) even with you behind the scenes.
As for your future - what are your hobbies? My career came out of a hobby, many I know have this same experience whether it be their initial job or something that comes later. Its a good place to start when you are doing something that you love. Clearly, you have the skills to run a business.
As for your future - what are your hobbies? My career came out of a hobby, many I know have this same experience whether it be their initial job or something that comes later. Its a good place to start when you are doing something that you love. Clearly, you have the skills to run a business.
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Join Date: Oct 2013
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Of course, in the end, it will be "your fault" the business fails no matter what,
so you might as well get something out of it--be ready for that blaming. . .
His progressive alcoholism and lack of attention to financial details will have
nothing to do with it. . .
so you might as well get something out of it--be ready for that blaming. . .
His progressive alcoholism and lack of attention to financial details will have
nothing to do with it. . .
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Join Date: Oct 2015
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Hawkeye, of course, in his world everything is my fault. Case in point: Every Tuesday we decided we would meet to go over work. The first week he never showed up (what's the big deal, let's just reschedule, was his response). The second week he came an hour late (what's the big deal, let's just meet now). The next week he came an hour early (what's the big deal, so I'm early). And this week and my favorite of all....He cancelled because he is chairing his AA meeting and he needs to prepare for it! I said we have this meeting scheduled each week and that's it. I was then called inflexible, ridiculous, difficult to work with, etc. I am once again the problem and he's just the good old boy just trying to get stuff done. And perhaps I'm wrong, but isn't the person that chairs the meeting supposed to somehow be somewhere along in their recovery? This is a man who has NOT begun his recovery and he is going to chair his meeting. With the guide of his sponsor who has (I read in his texts when he lived home) pointed out "hot blondes" in the back of the AA meeting, joked about drinking Patron and told him to move out. Great sponsor.
Ugh. I totally just went off on an anger tangent there. It just is so infuriating dealing with him with work. I had to do invoices last night and it's 5 hours of fixing his mess. I'm so done with this.
Today I am working on my resume. Contacting temp agencies. Calling my accountant about working on a valuation for the business. Going to the gym and starting to clean up my diet from the holiday madness.
Ugh. I totally just went off on an anger tangent there. It just is so infuriating dealing with him with work. I had to do invoices last night and it's 5 hours of fixing his mess. I'm so done with this.
Today I am working on my resume. Contacting temp agencies. Calling my accountant about working on a valuation for the business. Going to the gym and starting to clean up my diet from the holiday madness.
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And perhaps I'm wrong, but isn't the person that chairs the meeting supposed to somehow be somewhere along in their recovery? This is a man who has NOT begun his recovery and he is going to chair his meeting.
BS meter on high.
Why don't you just cancel those Tuesday meetings? Cancel all meetings period. go see an attorney and start doing what you need to do to protect your interests in the business until you are prepared to file.
Is there any chance AH would be willing to buy you out now?
BS meter on high.
Why don't you just cancel those Tuesday meetings? Cancel all meetings period. go see an attorney and start doing what you need to do to protect your interests in the business until you are prepared to file.
Is there any chance AH would be willing to buy you out now?
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Join Date: Jul 2010
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Don't give a second thought to his "recovery" efforts. At this point, it's irrelevant. For your kids' sake I hope he someday gets sober, but I wouldn't waste another second on waiting for that to happen.
I'm with red, you've wasted enough of your time and effort on him and his business.
I'm with red, you've wasted enough of your time and effort on him and his business.
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Join Date: Sep 2013
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Amy, regarding your anger, I had to come to terms with my anger at my parents (my mom is my alcoholic) and realize that a lot of my anger was at myself for living in the unhealthy cycle for so long, for using the situation to stay in my victim role and to not move on and for accepting abuse that I would never let my children accept. In the long run, this has been helpful to me because I am working on forgiving myself, and loving myself, and these are things THAT I can control.
Also, I read a book once that it is okay to be a "dabbler." I have many interests and they tend to fleet from one thing to another. I have lived in several states and several homes and I love the adventure of that. I used to think something was wrong with me for that as my family of origin wanted everyone to stay in our hometown, but I am getting more and more comfortable with me being "me." I only have part-time jobs right now, because my husband has a crazy, busy career and my children are young, but I have come to terms with it okay to try different things. It dawned on me this summer that my teenagers had jobs over the summer that they enjoyed and they would pick different jobs next summer, so I started thinking I will keep my current part-time job until I get bored and then it is okay to move on. I held on to my old part-time job way past its "expiration date" (I had become the business owner's sounding board for her bad marriage and stale life) only because believed I would never find another one that had the same kind of flexibility. Well, I was wrong. The new job I found is even more flexible and I love it ten times more!
I think that it is good to process all of your feelings, but I hope that you are also feeling excitement! I am in my mid forties, too, and I feel like the first half of my life was all practice and learning and growing, and this half is really going to be about the RICHNESS of living and being.
Also, I read a book once that it is okay to be a "dabbler." I have many interests and they tend to fleet from one thing to another. I have lived in several states and several homes and I love the adventure of that. I used to think something was wrong with me for that as my family of origin wanted everyone to stay in our hometown, but I am getting more and more comfortable with me being "me." I only have part-time jobs right now, because my husband has a crazy, busy career and my children are young, but I have come to terms with it okay to try different things. It dawned on me this summer that my teenagers had jobs over the summer that they enjoyed and they would pick different jobs next summer, so I started thinking I will keep my current part-time job until I get bored and then it is okay to move on. I held on to my old part-time job way past its "expiration date" (I had become the business owner's sounding board for her bad marriage and stale life) only because believed I would never find another one that had the same kind of flexibility. Well, I was wrong. The new job I found is even more flexible and I love it ten times more!
I think that it is good to process all of your feelings, but I hope that you are also feeling excitement! I am in my mid forties, too, and I feel like the first half of my life was all practice and learning and growing, and this half is really going to be about the RICHNESS of living and being.
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Double Dragons I do have a feeling of excitement. Once my kids left to go back to school and work I was home alone again. And I love it. I had my candles on last night, my music and I had just gone food shopping for healthy food and was making myself a delicious dinner. I was dancing and singing and thinking I am so happy right now. I will get this work thing moving, and stand on my own feet. But one thing I know is that I would never go back to the way I was living or the person that I was. Being on my own has been the best thing for me and once I am working on my own it will be even better.
But you are all so right about his recovery. We had to meet at a client's home today and he completely said something contradictory to what he said the day before. Everything that comes out of his mouth is complete BS. But instead of hitting the roof, i got in my car, turned on my music, drove home singing. I will find my new path for work. I have faith that I am going in the right direction. His recovery is just that...his recovery. And yes, I hope he gets well for my kids sake. But for my sake, it makes no difference. I have to keep the focus on taking care of me.
Still practicing...still learning...still growing...and happier and happier every single day.
But you are all so right about his recovery. We had to meet at a client's home today and he completely said something contradictory to what he said the day before. Everything that comes out of his mouth is complete BS. But instead of hitting the roof, i got in my car, turned on my music, drove home singing. I will find my new path for work. I have faith that I am going in the right direction. His recovery is just that...his recovery. And yes, I hope he gets well for my kids sake. But for my sake, it makes no difference. I have to keep the focus on taking care of me.
Still practicing...still learning...still growing...and happier and happier every single day.
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I have a contractor at my home right now working on my air conditioning system. And he keeps going in and out the front door. And every time he does it sounds like it did when my husband would come home and i get a little pit in my stomach. Then I remember, hahahaha he doesn't live here anymore, and I'm so relieved and happy. My God, i lived in that awful place for so long, so many years! So so so happy today that he moved out. And i never thought id say those words. Growth is a beautiful thing.
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