Reality and being 49 and single
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Reality and being 49 and single
Well it's been quite a few weeks of holiday vacation with the kids. As I've said we had quite a few good talks, and then at your suggestions, I backed off of the conversations and just enjoyed being with my kids. My 23 year old daughter left on Monday and she is very ok. She and I were able to talk freely, openly and she is very clear in what she sees. My son is still struggling, but I have laid off and just have fun being with him. My son told me that he doesn't want to see my STBAXH because he thinks he selfish and that he just gets to lie and do what he wants and move out and not work on anything and think that he gets the kids and everything is fine. It's hard for me not to jump all over that bandwagon, but I just let him talk. He did end up going to dinner with him last night, but he said it was quick as he didn't want to be with him long. My son leaves Sunday to go back to school. He said he can't wait and doesn't want to come home again as this separation thing is too much. He is starting therapy when he goes back to school, so hopefully that will help him deal with this.
Last night I was helping my son with his financial aid for school and some essays for his transfer application and I was thinking, this is how it always was, me doing the work with the kids and my AH out doing whatever the hell he felt like. It does still bring rise to some anger. But then I remember, hey, here I am, WITH my son, and my AH is NOT. And for the ability to spend time with my kids, I am grateful.
But I did realize I do slip back into that place of anger and the situation. I think the kids being home and the holidays really shoved it back in my face.
But to the point of my post...while I am grateful that he has left and I see the dysfunction in our marriage and that his refusal to get help for his "isms" (he's abstaining from alcohol, but not doing real recovery) would never allow our relationship to be anything except what it was (frustration, anger, inability to rely on him, no emotional connection, no intimacy, you know the drill), I am thrown into that scary place of "now what".
As I've said we own a business together. And it is becoming increasingly more and more difficult to deal with him as he is shutting me out more and more. He is the face of the business, but due to his ADD and his "isms" I am the one that keeps it afloat. But I resent my job as the "saver" of the business. That is no passion of mine. No career goal. To be a safety net. It's what I've done for the past 26 years of the marriage. It was my job to catch everything that falls through the cracks. HOWEVER, the company makes good money and without it, even if he buys me out, I don't know what I'd do. It wouldn't be enough to survive on.
I have the skills I've learned from owning our own business for 10 years. I've also owned my own graphic design business for 23 years. I don't want to do the graphic design thing anymore as I've fallen too far behind in the technology to work for anyone and I don't like working from my house as it is way too isolating (it's how I've worked for 23 years and have cut myself off from the world). I thought about going back to school for my masters, but nothing is pulling at me passionate-wise so much that it's worth the 3 year time commitment and the financial burden of school. I don't want to get a masters just to do it. I want to do it because there is a passion I want to pursue. So I spend hours looking online for programs helping people my age reenter the work force.
That's when my anger sets in again. If he would just communicate and not lie and be responsible and do what he says he would do, we could continue in this business. But then I go back to I don't want to work with him. I know I'm all over the place and probably sound like a crazy person (won't be the first time), but I just don't know how to reenter the working world or how to begin. Honestly, nothing at the moment interests me. And that is very scary to me. How can nothing interest me?
So that's where I am today. Lost. A bit scared of my future. Financially fearful. Angry that this is my situation. And he gets to just continue on with his job because he has skills he's been using for 30 years. I don't know what to do or where to go for help. Therapy has not helped in this area at all. I did not realize how I had really put my entire life on hold for so many years to navigate being married to an alcoholic and trying to control everything because he was so completely out of control. Now when I take that variable out of the picture all I'm left with is me. And I think I don't really know me. Maybe that's the work. Too bad that work doesn't pay in money!
Last night I was helping my son with his financial aid for school and some essays for his transfer application and I was thinking, this is how it always was, me doing the work with the kids and my AH out doing whatever the hell he felt like. It does still bring rise to some anger. But then I remember, hey, here I am, WITH my son, and my AH is NOT. And for the ability to spend time with my kids, I am grateful.
But I did realize I do slip back into that place of anger and the situation. I think the kids being home and the holidays really shoved it back in my face.
But to the point of my post...while I am grateful that he has left and I see the dysfunction in our marriage and that his refusal to get help for his "isms" (he's abstaining from alcohol, but not doing real recovery) would never allow our relationship to be anything except what it was (frustration, anger, inability to rely on him, no emotional connection, no intimacy, you know the drill), I am thrown into that scary place of "now what".
As I've said we own a business together. And it is becoming increasingly more and more difficult to deal with him as he is shutting me out more and more. He is the face of the business, but due to his ADD and his "isms" I am the one that keeps it afloat. But I resent my job as the "saver" of the business. That is no passion of mine. No career goal. To be a safety net. It's what I've done for the past 26 years of the marriage. It was my job to catch everything that falls through the cracks. HOWEVER, the company makes good money and without it, even if he buys me out, I don't know what I'd do. It wouldn't be enough to survive on.
I have the skills I've learned from owning our own business for 10 years. I've also owned my own graphic design business for 23 years. I don't want to do the graphic design thing anymore as I've fallen too far behind in the technology to work for anyone and I don't like working from my house as it is way too isolating (it's how I've worked for 23 years and have cut myself off from the world). I thought about going back to school for my masters, but nothing is pulling at me passionate-wise so much that it's worth the 3 year time commitment and the financial burden of school. I don't want to get a masters just to do it. I want to do it because there is a passion I want to pursue. So I spend hours looking online for programs helping people my age reenter the work force.
That's when my anger sets in again. If he would just communicate and not lie and be responsible and do what he says he would do, we could continue in this business. But then I go back to I don't want to work with him. I know I'm all over the place and probably sound like a crazy person (won't be the first time), but I just don't know how to reenter the working world or how to begin. Honestly, nothing at the moment interests me. And that is very scary to me. How can nothing interest me?
So that's where I am today. Lost. A bit scared of my future. Financially fearful. Angry that this is my situation. And he gets to just continue on with his job because he has skills he's been using for 30 years. I don't know what to do or where to go for help. Therapy has not helped in this area at all. I did not realize how I had really put my entire life on hold for so many years to navigate being married to an alcoholic and trying to control everything because he was so completely out of control. Now when I take that variable out of the picture all I'm left with is me. And I think I don't really know me. Maybe that's the work. Too bad that work doesn't pay in money!
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Originally Posted by FindingAmy 
So that's where I am today. Lost. A bit scared of my future. Financially fearful. Angry that this is my situation. And he gets to just continue on with his job because he has skills he's been using for 30 years. I don't know what to do or where to go for help. Therapy has not helped in this area at all. I did not realize how I had really put my entire life on hold for so many years to navigate being married to an alcoholic and trying to control everything because he was so completely out of control. Now when I take that variable out of the picture all I'm left with is me. And I think I don't really know me. Maybe that's the work. Too bad that work doesn't pay in money!
For me this journey of self-discovery (after not knowing who or what I wanted) was a part of the recovery process. For me this journey often arrived as part of my working life first, and then has trickled down to the rest of my life. I don't know if that is because work was tangible enough for me to explore it easier, if it is because of my work a holic tendencies or it is just how it is for me.
Work, jobs, finances is also the first place for me that I have had to learn to "let it go" a little. To realize how much energy I spent spinning my wheels about "what ifs." When in actuality much of it came together for me without overthinking it....when I gave myself some space to be creative and think outside the box.
You have had so many changes in such a short time and you are cracking open some old stuff. Of course you are emotional about all of this. One of the biggest parts of co-dependent behaviors I needed to recovery from was believing I needed to fix it all, yesterday. This early out I was barely functioning, never mind able to decide on lifelong goals. Heaping shame on myself for not figuring it out did not help me to do it any faster (or better).
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Life Recovery you're right. And it is the workaholic part of me that feels I need to get moving on this. But I do think I need to give myself a break, step back and just be for a while. The whatifs do get me and they start to take over a bit. I think I need to find a way to work with him for the time being, without him getting to me, while I continue with my recovery. I am a person that tends to see 5 years out ahead, looks to the finish line, but doesn't really look at where I am now and how I'm going to get there. I just want to be there. I need to slow it down and just be here and be with me. Oh this work is hard. Thanks for the input.
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The reality is the the business is likely to tank once you move on. My last ex (not an alcoholic) had built up a business with the help of his ex-wife. It turned out he was excellent at making the product, and he had a great work ethic, but he was a terrible businessman and I wound up supporting what was essentially an expensive hobby.
If I were you I'd get out and take your share of the business in the divorce while it is still worth something. Trying to continue to work with him is likely to drive you insane, no matter how much you try to detach.
I'd suggest finding a job doing whatever for right now--anything that even marginally appeals to you--just to give you some financial independence. You don't have to figure out the rest of your life right now. I know it feels like the clock is ticking, but there really isn't any rush. If you are out in the work force you will have opportunities to network and something may come along that will really grab you.
If I were you I'd get out and take your share of the business in the divorce while it is still worth something. Trying to continue to work with him is likely to drive you insane, no matter how much you try to detach.
I'd suggest finding a job doing whatever for right now--anything that even marginally appeals to you--just to give you some financial independence. You don't have to figure out the rest of your life right now. I know it feels like the clock is ticking, but there really isn't any rush. If you are out in the work force you will have opportunities to network and something may come along that will really grab you.
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Fa,
A few years ago I was in your same shoes. We owned a biz for 23 years together, he was the face, I was the back bone.(the everything) We ended up selling and divorced a couple years after. I to went through who am I and what am I going to do. I had no college education as we had our biz. I worried about what I had to offer to this world, as I only new my biz.
My first job after selling was contractor work for a big company. I was thrilled to have the job, but hated the big company. (I was a small biz person) I got a job at a small family owned company, felt more comfortable, but boss was worse than my axh. I couldn't live like that again, screaming and yelling all the time. I finally found my forever job at a church and had no idea this is where I would land. In talking to people I work/worked with everyone told me it was the job experience of ownership, that got me the interview. I explained in the interviews that when u r an owner, u wear many different hats, everyday. You did what you had to do to keep your biz going and that appealed to people, even though u don't realize that.
Start looking at what is out there. You are not in a hurry, but you will never move forward if you stay working with you x for the rest of your life. There is such a good life ahead of you. It might not be your first job or second but be patient that job is out there for you. You are very valuable and some company would be very lucky to get you. Hugs my friend, you are a Survivor!!!
A few years ago I was in your same shoes. We owned a biz for 23 years together, he was the face, I was the back bone.(the everything) We ended up selling and divorced a couple years after. I to went through who am I and what am I going to do. I had no college education as we had our biz. I worried about what I had to offer to this world, as I only new my biz.
My first job after selling was contractor work for a big company. I was thrilled to have the job, but hated the big company. (I was a small biz person) I got a job at a small family owned company, felt more comfortable, but boss was worse than my axh. I couldn't live like that again, screaming and yelling all the time. I finally found my forever job at a church and had no idea this is where I would land. In talking to people I work/worked with everyone told me it was the job experience of ownership, that got me the interview. I explained in the interviews that when u r an owner, u wear many different hats, everyday. You did what you had to do to keep your biz going and that appealed to people, even though u don't realize that.
Start looking at what is out there. You are not in a hurry, but you will never move forward if you stay working with you x for the rest of your life. There is such a good life ahead of you. It might not be your first job or second but be patient that job is out there for you. You are very valuable and some company would be very lucky to get you. Hugs my friend, you are a Survivor!!!
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Many people have also told me, that know him, that the business will fail within 2 years after I get out. I think I will stay in it and deal with him as little as possible while looking for a job in anything. Hopefully that will open doors to something bigger. My job in the company I can do at night, since I have a home office, so I could find a part time day job in the interim. I do feel like as long as I'm in the biz with him I can't move forward as freely as I'd like because I have to deal with him quite often (almost exclusively through texts since he won't communicate with me, great way to run a business). I do also feel that in my continued recovery I will learn more about myself and perhaps all of this will come together (my self discovery, a new job, networking, new people...). Thanks for the support and sharing your stories. It's inspirational and so helpful. I do need to take a deep breath, slow down, but keep moving forward.
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Who says that you can't find a full time job during the day and paper work at night. Awesome idea. No pressure, bring in some extra money. Stay busy. It's all good, you have the best of both worlds testing out the waters.
Happy New Year my friend, your opportunities are endless in 2016!!
Happy New Year my friend, your opportunities are endless in 2016!!
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A few more considerations. If he crashes and burns, he may taint your professional reputation if you're still connected with him. A rapid downward spiral can happen at any time. Alcoholism doesn't progress in a linear way. Just because he's been sort of holding it together up to now doesn't mean he won't have a rapid descent at some point, and there aren't always a lot of warning signs that it's coming.
Obviously, only you can make the decision. If I remember correctly, you did consult a lawyer at some point, correct? Did you talk about valuation of the business? Are you an "employee" or are you a partner or part-owner of the business? Even if he is the sole owner and you are an employee, you would be entitled to a portion of the value of the business if you divorce--it would most likely be considered marital property.
This is part of why I'm suggesting that now might be the time to get out. If he runs the business into the ground, there might not be much to divide.
The prospect of staying involved with his business in any capacity just strikes me as a whole lot of potential trouble.
Obviously, only you can make the decision. If I remember correctly, you did consult a lawyer at some point, correct? Did you talk about valuation of the business? Are you an "employee" or are you a partner or part-owner of the business? Even if he is the sole owner and you are an employee, you would be entitled to a portion of the value of the business if you divorce--it would most likely be considered marital property.
This is part of why I'm suggesting that now might be the time to get out. If he runs the business into the ground, there might not be much to divide.
The prospect of staying involved with his business in any capacity just strikes me as a whole lot of potential trouble.
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There might be a way to "structure" necessary communication in a better way
than texts whenever.
Maybe you could agree to a daily email summarizing whatever company-related exchange of information--
instead of constant trickling of info, this would consolidate and shorten interactive time.
I agree with Lexie you should be working on getting valuation as he will go
downhill--getting that moving forward with either a lump-sum payout or some kind of binding agreement
as divorce progresses will protect you as much as possible financially as he appears to be a sinking ship.
This could happen even if you are still doing the night work for awhile--
than texts whenever.
Maybe you could agree to a daily email summarizing whatever company-related exchange of information--
instead of constant trickling of info, this would consolidate and shorten interactive time.
I agree with Lexie you should be working on getting valuation as he will go
downhill--getting that moving forward with either a lump-sum payout or some kind of binding agreement
as divorce progresses will protect you as much as possible financially as he appears to be a sinking ship.
This could happen even if you are still doing the night work for awhile--
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Bless your heart, your mind is racing for a finish line already 
Take bite-sized chunks - that's great that you can keep the biz afloat for now while you dip your feet back into the workforce. I'd suggest a first step is to invest in a bit of $ towards a service that will help you build a solid resume with your skills from running your business and even your graphic design background- even if you don't want to do graphics anymore, they can help pull what's appropriate from those skills such as "creative thinking", etc. Then I would reach out to the reputable "temp agencies" and see about contract gigs to see where your roots start taking hold out there. Not that its through a temp agency, but my neighbor out here in the country does the books for her husband's contractor work business but also does the books for an area developer. It allows her to be a stay-at-home Mom making big money! Her developer boss even gave her a brand new SUV "company car" for her everyday use! Those were just some of my thoughts. These days so many companies use contract employees to avoid paying benefits, matching 401k's, etc but the temp agency pays for those employee benefits such as healthcare.
Take bite-sized chunks - that's great that you can keep the biz afloat for now while you dip your feet back into the workforce. I'd suggest a first step is to invest in a bit of $ towards a service that will help you build a solid resume with your skills from running your business and even your graphic design background- even if you don't want to do graphics anymore, they can help pull what's appropriate from those skills such as "creative thinking", etc. Then I would reach out to the reputable "temp agencies" and see about contract gigs to see where your roots start taking hold out there. Not that its through a temp agency, but my neighbor out here in the country does the books for her husband's contractor work business but also does the books for an area developer. It allows her to be a stay-at-home Mom making big money! Her developer boss even gave her a brand new SUV "company car" for her everyday use! Those were just some of my thoughts. These days so many companies use contract employees to avoid paying benefits, matching 401k's, etc but the temp agency pays for those employee benefits such as healthcare.
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Originally Posted by Refiner
Then I would reach out to the reputable "temp agencies" and see about contract gigs to see where your roots start taking hold out there. Not that its through a temp agency, but my neighbor out here in the country does the books for her husband's contractor work business but also does the books for an area developer. It allows her to be a stay-at-home Mom making big money! Her developer boss even gave her a brand new SUV "company car" for her everyday use! Those were just some of my thoughts. These days so many companies use contract employees to avoid paying benefits, matching 401k's, etc but the temp agency pays for those employee benefits such as healthcare.
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i've been at my place of employment now for 25 YEARS and it started as a three month temp gig - my job was to photocopy stuff. LOTS of stuff (all the patient insurance payments and benefit statements). then once i honed my copying skills, i got to staple stuff! and then use an adding machine (with two fingers)....etc. i now manage MILLIONS of dollars in grant funds......
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If you can make a living at doing graphic design from home, why not do that for a while, until you decide on another path? You could find other ways to avoid being isolated socially. I agree with Lexie, I'd get out of the shared business while the going is good.
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Originally Posted by AnvilheadII
i've been at my place of employment now for 25 YEARS and it started as a three month temp gig - my job was to photocopy stuff. LOTS of stuff (all the patient insurance payments and benefit statements). then once i honed my copying skills, i got to staple stuff! and then use an adding machine (with two fingers)....etc. i now manage MILLIONS of dollars in grant funds......
)
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A dear friend of mine in her mid-forties put her career on hold for fifteen years while her narcissistic, cheating jerk of an ex-husband climbed the career ladder. When they got divorced, she had a series of jobs that were way below what she was capable of and was pretty miserable. She had to move into an apartment while jerk stayed in the house. Fast forward three years later she got the job of her dreams - like "the college alumni magazine ought to do a feature article on her or maybe even NY Times" job of her dreams. She wrote a cover letter that was basically "You're never going to read this letter anyway so I might as well swing for the fences and have some fun with this." And so it started...
As for myself, my job didn't even exist five years ago. I was in a job that was very unfulfilling - but I made an impression with the folks upstairs and they wanted to keep me. The field that I'm currently in was just beginning to take traction, so I took my job in that direction and that was that.
Just because the options may look lousy now doesn't necessarily mean they'll be that way forever. And sometimes, you can convert a lousy option to a pretty spectacular one.
As for myself, my job didn't even exist five years ago. I was in a job that was very unfulfilling - but I made an impression with the folks upstairs and they wanted to keep me. The field that I'm currently in was just beginning to take traction, so I took my job in that direction and that was that.
Just because the options may look lousy now doesn't necessarily mean they'll be that way forever. And sometimes, you can convert a lousy option to a pretty spectacular one.
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Wow, these are all such amazing suggestions and inspirational stories about people like me who have re-entered the working world. I had to do some bookkeeping for the business today, and every stroke of the keyboard gives me angst. I am definitely going to start making strides toward getting out.
I had contacted a lawyer, LexieCat, and at that time a forensic accountant as well. He had suggested to stay in the business for the moment as it was profitable, but I don't think he understood the pain it brought me. I am going to start working towards getting the business valuated and see where it's at and talk about selling it or him buying me out. I hate to kiss that income goodbye, as it's quite nice, but the aggravation that comes along with it is not so nice. It's a shame he's just not responsible and business minded. He's just a schmoozer and good at his craft. Not the business end of it and it's very very difficult. It takes me right back to the mother role with him, which I am SO OVER.
I have started getting my thoughts together for my resume and am going to send them to a friend who works in HR and see what he can do with it. I reached out to some temp agencies that are in the field that my business is in and I'll see what happens with that. I'm also going to reach out tomorrow to some temp agencies to see what they can find that's in a different line of work based on my experience and skills running a business.
I never considered a temp agency before, but it is such a great idea. I'm also going to talk to my accountant about bumping up my salary to get as much out of this business as possible and sock it away. These stories you guys relayed really gave me hope and inspiration as well as direction.
I had contacted a lawyer, LexieCat, and at that time a forensic accountant as well. He had suggested to stay in the business for the moment as it was profitable, but I don't think he understood the pain it brought me. I am going to start working towards getting the business valuated and see where it's at and talk about selling it or him buying me out. I hate to kiss that income goodbye, as it's quite nice, but the aggravation that comes along with it is not so nice. It's a shame he's just not responsible and business minded. He's just a schmoozer and good at his craft. Not the business end of it and it's very very difficult. It takes me right back to the mother role with him, which I am SO OVER.
I have started getting my thoughts together for my resume and am going to send them to a friend who works in HR and see what he can do with it. I reached out to some temp agencies that are in the field that my business is in and I'll see what happens with that. I'm also going to reach out tomorrow to some temp agencies to see what they can find that's in a different line of work based on my experience and skills running a business.
I never considered a temp agency before, but it is such a great idea. I'm also going to talk to my accountant about bumping up my salary to get as much out of this business as possible and sock it away. These stories you guys relayed really gave me hope and inspiration as well as direction.
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Originally Posted by FindingAmy
I'm also going to talk to my accountant about bumping up my salary to get as much out of this business as possible and sock it away.
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