Struggling to deal with everything!
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Join Date: Dec 2015
Posts: 144
Get a restraining order and end the relationship.
Enough is enough.
Enough is enough.
Originally Posted by Rougelily79 
Hi. I posted a few times about a year ago and I am back with a new name for reasons I wish not to explain.
My boyfriend of 3 years is not only an alcoholic, I think he has a borderline personality disorder. He has been binge drinking since about 3 months into our relationship and he hasn't stopped for more than a few weeks here and there. The stress this puts on me is insane. I have to be responsible for EVERYTHING that goes on, from paying bills and managing finances to cleaning the home, taking care of the pets, dealing with the lawn and home maintenance and everyday things. I work two jobs, I am in college and I feel like I am constantly treading water.
He cannot keep a job. In the three years we have been together he has managed to quit/get fired from nearly a dozen jobs. Everytime he gets a little heat or a manager tells him he is in the wrong he instantly shuts down and quits. I blame myself for some of this, because I haven't made him realize that working is a requirement for being with me.
I cannot count on him. The simplest of tasks are a HUGE deal for him to do. Things like doing dishes, feeding the cats, scooping litter boxes, mowing the grass, hell, even picking up his clothes is a constant fight with him. I feel like if I needed him to come get me because I had a flat tire or if I was in an accident or ended up ill I couldn't count on him to come to my rescue because he would be too drunk. When he is not working, he is drinking unless I am there to babysit him. There are many times that he will blackout and end up throwing up or pissing all over something that I end up cleaning up. He makes endless messes and takes no responsibility. He has nothing but excuses and he is NEVER in the wrong, he is always the victim.
He has said HORRIBLE things to me when he is drinking. He has told me I am not the woman he really wants, that I am a mean person, and I feel like all his insecurities and issues become my "issues" when he drinks and I get beaten down. I am strong, independent woman but he makes me feel like I am a piece of crap.
I have tolerated his verbal abuses, his mean words and his complete lack of respect for me and my home. I have had enough. I cannot be supportive anymore. I don't know what to do. I feel that if I end the relationship, which I know is the best thing for me, because I am worried he will either a) hurt me or himself b) not be able to move on with his life and I will be again victimized.
I need some words of advice. I need 2016 to be better than 2015.
My boyfriend of 3 years is not only an alcoholic, I think he has a borderline personality disorder. He has been binge drinking since about 3 months into our relationship and he hasn't stopped for more than a few weeks here and there. The stress this puts on me is insane. I have to be responsible for EVERYTHING that goes on, from paying bills and managing finances to cleaning the home, taking care of the pets, dealing with the lawn and home maintenance and everyday things. I work two jobs, I am in college and I feel like I am constantly treading water.
He cannot keep a job. In the three years we have been together he has managed to quit/get fired from nearly a dozen jobs. Everytime he gets a little heat or a manager tells him he is in the wrong he instantly shuts down and quits. I blame myself for some of this, because I haven't made him realize that working is a requirement for being with me.
I cannot count on him. The simplest of tasks are a HUGE deal for him to do. Things like doing dishes, feeding the cats, scooping litter boxes, mowing the grass, hell, even picking up his clothes is a constant fight with him. I feel like if I needed him to come get me because I had a flat tire or if I was in an accident or ended up ill I couldn't count on him to come to my rescue because he would be too drunk. When he is not working, he is drinking unless I am there to babysit him. There are many times that he will blackout and end up throwing up or pissing all over something that I end up cleaning up. He makes endless messes and takes no responsibility. He has nothing but excuses and he is NEVER in the wrong, he is always the victim.
He has said HORRIBLE things to me when he is drinking. He has told me I am not the woman he really wants, that I am a mean person, and I feel like all his insecurities and issues become my "issues" when he drinks and I get beaten down. I am strong, independent woman but he makes me feel like I am a piece of crap.
I have tolerated his verbal abuses, his mean words and his complete lack of respect for me and my home. I have had enough. I cannot be supportive anymore. I don't know what to do. I feel that if I end the relationship, which I know is the best thing for me, because I am worried he will either a) hurt me or himself b) not be able to move on with his life and I will be again victimized.
I need some words of advice. I need 2016 to be better than 2015.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Rouge, through your own wisdom and careful planning you're in a good position to separate from this leach. The barriers are in your head, but you've got to a point where you know what you have to do. 3 years of being sucked dry has to end, but how do you plan it?
You have a fear that he will damage you or your property, but you can plan the break-up to minimise that risk. Do as others have suggested and make a plan of action by consulting a DV counsellor. They come across this situation every day and can really help you plan a safe separation. It might involve a court order, or changing the locks, or maybe calling on friends and relatives for help.
This guy is leaching your energy, money and pleasure in life and it has to end. Read as much as you can (SR has some great stickies) so you know what to expect.
You have a fear that he will damage you or your property, but you can plan the break-up to minimise that risk. Do as others have suggested and make a plan of action by consulting a DV counsellor. They come across this situation every day and can really help you plan a safe separation. It might involve a court order, or changing the locks, or maybe calling on friends and relatives for help.
This guy is leaching your energy, money and pleasure in life and it has to end. Read as much as you can (SR has some great stickies) so you know what to expect.
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Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: USA
Posts: 2,393
Originally Posted by Rougelily79
I NEED a partner.
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Join Date: Oct 2015
Posts: 23
You've gotten great advice.
I just wanted to say that I can so relate to them projecting their own issues on to us.
I will never forget how mad my ex got at me last Christmas because I started tearing up while watching the movie Scrooged.
He said I was mentally unstable to be crying at a comedy. I hadn't thought about that in awhile. Really makes me laugh now.
Best of luck to you. Knowing what you have to do is easy, it's the following through that's the hardest part.
I just wanted to say that I can so relate to them projecting their own issues on to us.
I will never forget how mad my ex got at me last Christmas because I started tearing up while watching the movie Scrooged.
He said I was mentally unstable to be crying at a comedy. I hadn't thought about that in awhile. Really makes me laugh now.
Best of luck to you. Knowing what you have to do is easy, it's the following through that's the hardest part.
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Join Date: Dec 2015
Posts: 144
Rougelily maybe some counselling will help you.
You don't NEED a partner especially one that sick.
Alcoholism and BPD are an absolute hopeless nightmare.
Run away if you can.
You are not responsible for his reactions only yours.
You don't NEED a partner especially one that sick.
Alcoholism and BPD are an absolute hopeless nightmare.
Run away if you can.
You are not responsible for his reactions only yours.
Originally Posted by Rougelily79
He's never been physically abusive with me, but I could definitely see him going that route if I end it. I know I need to leave but I think that I care enough about him to not want to see him homeless or worse, dead, because he cannot function without the dependency on me and alcohol. It's that swinging pendulum of what's best for me vs. his needs. I always seem to worry more about him. I just fear that if I end it, he will kill himself and I don't know if I can live with that. I know that at the end of the day it's not my fault if he did, but knowing that the end of the relationship was the trigger is more than I can handle.
I just want to be respected, treated like a lady and I NEED a partner. I feel like I have to mother him and be the only adult in the relationship. I am sure most of you are familiar with the rollercoaster that is loving an addict/alcoholic. It's hell.
Thank you all for your kind words and advice. I have some serious decisions to make.
I just want to be respected, treated like a lady and I NEED a partner. I feel like I have to mother him and be the only adult in the relationship. I am sure most of you are familiar with the rollercoaster that is loving an addict/alcoholic. It's hell.
Thank you all for your kind words and advice. I have some serious decisions to make.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2015
Posts: 12
Originally Posted by Yoga
Rougelily maybe some counselling will help you.
You don't NEED a partner especially one that sick.
Alcoholism and BPD are an absolute hopeless nightmare.
Run away if you can.
You are not responsible for his reactions only yours.
You don't NEED a partner especially one that sick.
Alcoholism and BPD are an absolute hopeless nightmare.
Run away if you can.
You are not responsible for his reactions only yours.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Originally Posted by Rougelily79
I don't mean I need a partner in the context that I cannot be alone because I can. I was for a long time. I have been to counseling and I am going to start again now that my insurance is fresh for 2016. I meant that in this relationship I need him to be a partner. I need him to care enough to stop acting like I'm supposed to just take care of everything so he doesn't get stressed and want to drink.
The problem is that you aren't going to get that from him. We have a saying around here about "going to the hardware store for a loaf of bread." You just aren't gonna find it there.
In this context, you can expect him to step up and be a partner till the cows come home. You aren't going to see it.
It's very hard to ACCEPT that someone simply will not ever provide us with what we need. But once we do, we can stop hurting our heads over it. Some realities are painful, but in the long run, believing in a fantasy that will never be is a lot more painful.
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,434
It isn't about him "caring more" Rouge.
He is what he is and who he is, and you can't change that
no matter how much you love him, or how much you do for him.
That's what we are trying to say.
He isn't concerned with what you need, but only what he needs,
which right now is booze and a soft place to land.
You are giving all of that so his addiction is thriving.
That's the nature of addiction, and it's bigger than you, me, or him.
Until you are ready to let him go to figure this out, things won't change, except
his addiction will continue to progress.
That's the painful truth we all had to learn.
I learned it three ways--as a child of an alcoholic, an alcoholic myself,
and now as the spouse of an alcoholic.
Until the drinker is forced to deal with the consequences of their actions,
they won't stop--why should they?
Maybe they won't stop even with consequences--but it's their life, their choice.
He is what he is and who he is, and you can't change that
no matter how much you love him, or how much you do for him.
That's what we are trying to say.
He isn't concerned with what you need, but only what he needs,
which right now is booze and a soft place to land.
You are giving all of that so his addiction is thriving.
That's the nature of addiction, and it's bigger than you, me, or him.
Until you are ready to let him go to figure this out, things won't change, except
his addiction will continue to progress.
That's the painful truth we all had to learn.
I learned it three ways--as a child of an alcoholic, an alcoholic myself,
and now as the spouse of an alcoholic.
Until the drinker is forced to deal with the consequences of their actions,
they won't stop--why should they?
Maybe they won't stop even with consequences--but it's their life, their choice.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
I meant that in this relationship I need him to be a partner. I need him to care enough to stop acting like I'm supposed to just take care of everything so he doesn't get stressed and want to drink.
ain't gonna happen. go buy a pig and teach it to sing, you'll have better luck.
send this man-boy packing.
ain't gonna happen. go buy a pig and teach it to sing, you'll have better luck.
send this man-boy packing.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Honey, we all want that. It's like asking an addict/personality disordered person to hand you the moon on a silver platter. At some point you will realize your behavior is not powerful enough to change his behavior.
I am sorry. It sounds like you know this deep down b/c you sound very sound where you are as far as having physical ties to him, or lack of. You have planned wisely, listen to what your gut is telling you.
Many, many hugs.
I am sorry. It sounds like you know this deep down b/c you sound very sound where you are as far as having physical ties to him, or lack of. You have planned wisely, listen to what your gut is telling you.
Many, many hugs.
Originally Posted by Rougelily79
I don't mean I need a partner in the context that I cannot be alone because I can. I was for a long time. I have been to counseling and I am going to start again now that my insurance is fresh for 2016. I meant that in this relationship I need him to be a partner. I need him to care enough to stop acting like I'm supposed to just take care of everything so he doesn't get stressed and want to drink.
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