Rougelily79

Hi. I posted a few times about a year ago and I am back with a new name for reasons I wish not to explain.

My boyfriend of 3 years is not only an alcoholic, I think he has a borderline personality disorder. He has been binge drinking since about 3 months into our relationship and he hasn't stopped for more than a few weeks here and there. The stress this puts on me is insane. I have to be responsible for EVERYTHING that goes on, from paying bills and managing finances to cleaning the home, taking care of the pets, dealing with the lawn and home maintenance and everyday things. I work two jobs, I am in college and I feel like I am constantly treading water.

He cannot keep a job. In the three years we have been together he has managed to quit/get fired from nearly a dozen jobs. Everytime he gets a little heat or a manager tells him he is in the wrong he instantly shuts down and quits. I blame myself for some of this, because I haven't made him realize that working is a requirement for being with me.

I cannot count on him. The simplest of tasks are a HUGE deal for him to do. Things like doing dishes, feeding the cats, scooping litter boxes, mowing the grass, hell, even picking up his clothes is a constant fight with him. I feel like if I needed him to come get me because I had a flat tire or if I was in an accident or ended up ill I couldn't count on him to come to my rescue because he would be too drunk. When he is not working, he is drinking unless I am there to babysit him. There are many times that he will blackout and end up throwing up or pissing all over something that I end up cleaning up. He makes endless messes and takes no responsibility. He has nothing but excuses and he is NEVER in the wrong, he is always the victim.

He has said HORRIBLE things to me when he is drinking. He has told me I am not the woman he really wants, that I am a mean person, and I feel like all his insecurities and issues become my "issues" when he drinks and I get beaten down. I am strong, independent woman but he makes me feel like I am a piece of crap.

I have tolerated his verbal abuses, his mean words and his complete lack of respect for me and my home. I have had enough. I cannot be supportive anymore. I don't know what to do. I feel that if I end the relationship, which I know is the best thing for me, because I am worried he will either a) hurt me or himself b) not be able to move on with his life and I will be again victimized.

I need some words of advice. I need 2016 to be better than 2015.

Sotiredofitall

Sorry for what brings you back, but it sounds as though you know the solution to the problem but may not want to do it? Thankfully, you aren't married to this man. That doesn't mean you aren't bonded, but for me, his issues would definitely be a deal breaker. What is keeping you here? Leaving relationships is never easy, but with alcoholism and other issues the work of staying may not be worth it. You are worth so much more than what he is giving to you. You deserve to be happy and safe, emotionally and physically. Big hugs to you as you make decisions for your future. Remember, you aren't responsible for his happiness or his disfunction. You are responsible for your own happiness and your own future.

LexieCat

Um, not being a leech off someone else isn't something that should require explanation--it's your basic no-brainer.

Don't be so quick to diagnose him with a personality disorder. It's perfectly possible to be an abusive drunk without any underlying psychiatric issues. All it takes is a sense of entitlement and alcoholism.

If you are afraid of him--and it sounds like you are--contact the National DV Hotline at 1-800-799-7233, or your local women's shelter and talk with an advocate. They can help you with safety planning and to think through your options. Your safety is number one, and anything else can be dealt with down the line.

Depending on where you live, and the details of the abuse, you might be entitled to a protective order, which would require him to LEAVE (he'd need a police escort for removing his stuff) and to have no contact with you.

Talk with an advocate--it's free and completely confidential, and nobody will force you to do anything you aren't ready to do, but it's critical that you take some actions for your own safety. And that includes your own mental health. Two jobs and college is hugely stressful for anyone, and living with an abusive drunk makes it completely untenable.

totfit

Today would be a good day to say goodbye. That would be a great start to the next year. ALWAYS put yourself first. Without doing that you can do no one else any good. Good thoughts going your way.

Rougelily79

He's never been physically abusive with me, but I could definitely see him going that route if I end it. I know I need to leave but I think that I care enough about him to not want to see him homeless or worse, dead, because he cannot function without the dependency on me and alcohol. It's that swinging pendulum of what's best for me vs. his needs. I always seem to worry more about him. I just fear that if I end it, he will kill himself and I don't know if I can live with that. I know that at the end of the day it's not my fault if he did, but knowing that the end of the relationship was the trigger is more than I can handle.

I just want to be respected, treated like a lady and I NEED a partner. I feel like I have to mother him and be the only adult in the relationship. I am sure most of you are familiar with the rollercoaster that is loving an addict/alcoholic. It's hell.

Thank you all for your kind words and advice. I have some serious decisions to make.

jjj111

I put off breaking up with my last AXBF for a long time because I thought he would end up homeless or dead without me. In fact, after I did finally dump him, he had a new girlfriend/enabler in no time and is still out there, making her miserable no doubt. I came to realize that I had never been the one keeping him afloat. He was actually quite resourceful. But it was that illusion that I could save him that kept me hooked. It was the one thing that made me feel good about the relationship--feeling like his savior. In reality, I was never that powerful. He did what he wanted to do, and I was just the latest in a series of people in his life to clean up his messes.

SparkleKitty

My friend he will never learn to take care of himself as long as you insist upon doing it. He is an adult and deserves the dignity of learning to be responsible for himself. Whether you choose to stay involved with him or not, letting go over mothering him is the best thing you can do for him.

Addicts are incredibly resourceful. If he does not want to be homeless or in jail, he will figure it out.

LexieCat

He is essentially holding you hostage, do you see that? By making you feel you're the only one responsible for his life, he has trapped you as effectively as if he put a chain on the door.

Call and talk to an advocate anyway. In many jurisdictions harassment is sufficient for a protective order. Abuse can consist of mental, psychological, verbal, and financial abuse--not just physical abuse. I've worked professionally in the DV field for many years, and had a lot of survivors of physical abuse tell me that it was the OTHER stuff--the name-calling, the constant tearing-down and belittling--that was harder to heal from.

Rougelily79

You are right. I feel the same way, like I am supposed to save him. He tells me how he didn't have anyone to love him, but I see how his mother is with him. She has loaned him thousands of dollars, taken care of him and he treats her with total disrespect and hatefulness. I always feel guilty for getting upset about the messes he makes in my house or that he loses a job, etc. I know its totally on him, but I am torn between the "supportive girlfriend" and the "totally have the right to kick his ass girlfriend". It's exhausting.

LexieCat

How about the "I'm no longer willing to be dragged down by your unwillingness to deal with your drinking and abusive behavior girlfriend"? The "I respect myself enough to take care of myself girlfriend"?

You aren't "supporting" him--you're ENABLING him to drink and to treat you however he wants. Because he knows nothing will happen.

No need to "kick his ass"--he is doing a pretty good job of that on his own. Just stop protecting him from him, and start taking care of your OWN self.

Hawkeye13

Nothing changes if nothing changes
3 years is a long time to baby-sit and mother your supposed partner.

It sounds like you are reaching your emotional, physical, and financial end.
And, for an added bonus, he's treating you with the same disrespect and hatefulness
with which he treats his mother.

AND it will only keep getting worse as his addiction is progressive.
You may have already noticed that. No doubt you have.
So, do you want to keep doing this or do you want to save yourself?

Like others have said, addicts are resourceful.
But as long as you are willing to pay for everything and do everything for him,
why would he want to get his life together?

Call the advocate like Lexie suggests and take a small step towards freedom
in this New Year.
Surely you deserve more from life

Rougelily79

I know you are right. I have known this for a long while. I keep hoping it gets better but it never does. He does just enough good stuff to make me think he cares, but I need to remember all the times he has let me down.

I bought him alot of stuff for Christmas that he had mentioned over the past year he wanted. He took me shopping and then reminded me repeatedly how much he put on his credit card for ME. He forgets all the costs I have incurred taking care of him for the past three years. It's like the guilt has to be there always with him.

I know what has to be done but I don't know how to do it.

hopeful4

This man will never be your partner. You will forever be his mother, babysitter, victim of verbal abuse, the list goes on. I was married to one just like him, and we have children together. That's the worst, seeing that behavior in dealing with children.

You cannot save him. His actions are his, and you cannot babysit him through life. You will get tired of it, I promise. I think you should look at what life would be like with him once you are established, married, and have a family. Then decide if you should walk...or run....away from him.

I don't mean to be harsh. I think you should keep coming back as you need support during this period, and SR is a great place to find it.

Many hugs!

jjj111

It sounds like his mother will pick up the pieces pretty quickly once you're out of the picture. Is he on your lease? When does the lease end? The logistics will take a little time to think through, but if you decide that you want to separate from him, a path will open up.

LexieCat

Exactly the way Hawkeye suggested--one step at a time.

Call the advocate and get some objective advice and options. At the very least they can help you put a safety plan in place in case you need to leave (or put him out) on short notice.

Start going to Al-Anon. Yes, I know you have an incredibly full schedule already, but it's only an hour or so for a meeting.

Keep posting here. It took lots of people here a while before they felt strong enough to do what they needed to do. What you NEED is to take off the rose-colored glasses, and shut out the manipulative BS that comes out of his mouth, and get yourself firmly grounded in reality. Once you've done that, your path will become much clearer. A lot of people here have had the experience of taking small steps toward independence that have ultimately led to freedom.

Another thing is financial stuff. If your finances are commingled, get them separated. Were those gifts he gave you the product of his hard work, or yours?

Baby steps. Start taking them.

Rougelily79

She probably will yes.

No lease. I own my home and it's just me on the mortgage. I have made sure, no matter what, that I pay for my car and mortgage without using any of the money he gives me for bills. That way he can't ever say anything.
We don't have a joint account. He is on my cell phone plan, but that can be changed. I have already told him that if he misses a payment I am taking the phone back. I have his car on my insurance but again, easy to change that.

hopeful4

Get the cell phones separated, get him off your insurance which is a bad business decision anyways (I work in the insurance field), and move forward.

jjj111

Good for you for keeping the finances separate! Do you think he would leave peacefully if you asked him to move out? You mentioned that you're afraid he would hurt you. If that's the case, then you really do need to talk to a DV advocate about safety planning, so that you have a plan to get him out without putting yourself in danger, and also to a lawyer because you might have to give him an eviction notice if he won't go quietly.

And Lexie is right, Al-Anon would be a great way to get yourself some support. After my last AXBF, I had to do a lot of thinking about how to avoid falling into the same kind of relationships again in the future. I didn't fully realize it at the time, but I have issues going back to my childhood with alcoholic parents that have led me to seek out relationships where I can save people from themselves.

LucyGoosey

I'm sorry for what brings you here. 3 years ago I was in your position. I learned that no relationship is more powerful than addiction. Love (or mothering) is not enough to overcome addiction, if it was there would be no more addiction.

You are in no way responsible for his inability to keep a job. That is a direct result of alcoholism and will only change when he decides he wants recovery, which may or may not happen.

Another thing I had to learn...it didn't matter what kind of requirements I set for my AH (like not drinking around the kids). The truth is alcohol affects brain function and when he was downing bottles of vodka he wasn't able to make rational decisions. Nothing mattered more than the alcohol at that point.

I too felt like he would die without me there to "save" him. We had a lot of back and forth, moving out/getting back together...all that drama. Addiction reigned supreme whether I was there or not. Addiction is often fatal, as it was in his case, but I was never able to control it or stop it in any way. I was able to make a peaceful life for my children and me though.

Addiction is not personal. Its a horrible, cunning disease and as long as the disease is active the alcohol will matter more than family, relationships, jobs....the list goes on and on.

Rougelily79

I don't know for sure that he would hurt me, but if I don't approach it in the right way he could try to hurt me, not necessarily physically but definitely either damaging my home or some other way.