mylifeismine

If you have time, I would love to hear your comments about
the peace you have found in life after leaving AH.

Liveitwell

I don't know that this server has enough room to explain the peace I have abd the peace my kids have.

mylifeismine

So happy for you! ;D

Lilro

Ah hahaha For, isn't that the truth.

Peace.... Well, most recent peace is...
I didn't have to worry about my ex being intoxicated as we shop for a Christmas Tree, my son and I managed to do JUST FINE without him. He always managed to drink more during this time of year. It's peaceful to know he will not be around to make any sexually inappropriate remarks in front of my family because he's bombed...
It's peaceful to know that I will be heading into a New Year without ANY chaos from the peanut gallery! Woot woot.... Bring it on....
Those are just a few things that I am peaceful/grateful for!!
Merry Christmas!!

honeypig

I'm just beginning to experience the peace, as XAH only moved out the day after Thanksgiving. To be honest, the peace is intermingled w/fear, loneliness and anger at times, too. The first couple of posts in this thread http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...iar-patch.html explain about that.

For me, the biggest thing is realizing how much of what I feared losing never really existed in the first place. And if it's not there to lose, what am I scared of?

I'm learning to trust that things will work out if I do the footwork and then let go of the outcome. (Key word: "learning". VERY key word!!) And that puts a kind of peace I've never known into my life.

Dimndaruf

Oh, I needed this question today and although I don't have enough time and space to not everything here are a few:

I've found peace in...

*Not worrying if AH will leave something on the stove and fall asleep while children and I are home.
*Not having to try to wake him after an all nighter or binge.
*Not guessing whether AH will be awake or asleep while watching our children when I come through the door.
*Not walking on eggshells.
*Not worrying about I'm taking out his issues/anger on me.
*Actually following a schedule without AH being the monkey wrench in it.
*Not constantly worrying whether he's going to kill himself and/or someone else because of his constant drinking and driving.
*Thinking about positive things again instead of constant negative thoughts and rumination.
*Knowing that my life is more than just being a fixer and a caretaker.

Some of the above I'm still working on but for the most part I've made a drastic improvement and I'm on my way to finding true peace.

LexieCat

I just felt like a HUGE WEIGHT was lifted from my back and shoulders.

Actually, I felt the same way after my breakup with the last guy I lived with (not an alcoholic). Both were a constant source of anxiety and stress in my life. Of course, everything didn't instantly fall into place once I left them, but suddenly life was full of POSSIBILITIES again.

Hangnbyathread

I returned back to not feeling like I was crazy.

I was able to find things that were routinely mysteriously always missing.

My car never had unexplained body damage. Or an odd 1700 mile trip taken in it while I was away.

I didn't have to learn a new vocabulary on a regular basis.

Are you drinking? No. OK then why do I smell it on your breath? Oh...wine isn't drinking. Only (insert hard liquor here).

That isn't an affair. An affair is only if you have intercourse with them.

I don't have to interrogate like an attorney to get simple information exchanged. How did this happen? OMG I don't have to spend 35 minutes trying to ask that question to get an actual useful answer.

Me: Did you use my car? Her: When? Me: While I was away? Her: Away when? Me: Away as in last week? Her: What days were you gone, I don't remember? ME: Ok let me ask differently. Have you used my car in the last 3 weeks? Her: Yes? Me: Ok can you explain the body damage? Her: What body damage? Me: This body damage. (as obvious as tires on a car) Her: That must have happened before I used it. How long has that damage been there? Me: It was here when I got back. Her: How do I know it wasn't there when you left? Me: Because I didn't have this conversation with you before I left. Her: See thats the problem you never tell me anything.

I got to enjoy meeting people I wanted to meet and go do normal things.

I got to enjoy not being embarrassed when I go out.

I get to negotiate with someone rather than being told their demands.

I don't have to patch any more holes in the wall, from fist, cups, etc being hurled against it.

I don't have to watch her kid while she goes out drinking.

I don't have to feed her kid, because mom isn't here and nobody knows when she will be back.

I can actually sleep soundly. And for 6-8 hours.

I got a sex drive back.

I still am able to enjoy sex as well.

I can, clean my yard, clean my house, cook my meals, wash my clothes, like an adult.

I can visit with my neighbors.

I can invite my family to my home.

I don't have to tolerate her drunken family during the holidays. OK sister mostly. Her parents were both dead due to addicted related complications.

I don't get accused of cheating.

I don't have to lock up my personal information.

I have no more sudden unexplained e-mail hacks.

But the best is, I don't have to smell that wreak anymore.

LexieCat

That's a CLASSIC for the Quackers thread!

Lilro

Oh, I love this thread!

mylifeismine

Heartfelt thanks to all for sharing
You have given me best present of all
Hope

maybear

I didn't know how peaceful life could be, really.
It was hard to leave at first, I doubted myself and felt really scared to tell everyone. Once I'd gotten through that and organised myself and my life I felt so much better.
It feels like things are just 'right' now. Like I was living a lie before.
Peace is in the small things everyday, not having to worry. No unpredictability about his behaviour or moods. I feel really happy.
Almost a year down the track, I've met someone else who is so normal and treats me so well...
But even without a new relationship, life is good.
It does get better, if you just give yourself permission to be happy and move on.

lizatola

I left a 20 year marriage back in February, so 10-11 months ago. Please just read any of my recent threads and you will see how my life has changed and done a 180 in less than a year.

Peace came right away, like the day I moved out and was setting up my new place. Happiness and joy came when I realized I was starting over and I was responsible for myself and my son and I had a chance to start over. And, a chance at a healthy relationship has also come my way....it's not easy but life is still better no matter what challenges come my way.

Oh, and ditto to everything that hangnbyathread said.....nearly every word of it!

mylifeismine

Thank you again everyone!

I just found the "quackers" thread because of Hangingbyathread and Lexicat's comments.

I was stunned, I never realized this "banging my head against a
wall" communication style was part of the problem and others
experienced it also. Still in shock.......so much to learn. I will read
everyone of those entries. It is comforting to know others experienced
it and likely the feeling of wanting to scream at the top of their lungs......

LexieCat

Yup, common experience in trying to have a reasonable discussion with an alcoholic. It's sort of a combination of denial, blame-shifting, and plain old "not playing with a full deck."

It's part of the reason that we can reduce our own frustration by not EXPECTING to have meaningful or reasonable discussions around any important issue. It just doesn't tend to happen.

honeypig

MLIM, I think the more you read around the forum, the more stories you read from other folks, the more you'll see that A's have an awful lot in common in terms of their behavior. Alcoholism may not affect everyone in exactly the same ways, just b/c people are different, but in so many ways, the effects are indeed the same.

Please do take the time to read and post in other threads. It seems that those who learn and grow the most are those who widen their view and educate themselves. I think I read this first here: "Smart people learn from their mistakes. REALLY smart people learn from other people's mistakes!"

I'm glad the doors are starting to open for you.

mylifeismine

That is how the loneliness and isolation build, you get used to staying
quiet and not talking about important issues other feelings. And
start thinking I'm going friggin crazy.

I absolutely believe in learning from others mistakes and hope
I can help others too.

maia1234

My,
Peace in my life after divorcing AXH after 34 years together....

I can sleep like a baby, as the last 20 years I was consumed by AXH, and never slept, as chugging nyquil every night hopefully put me out.
I don't have to see his dirty looks at me for something that I "did" or "said" to him.
I can spend my money on me and not have to share his 500 to 1,000 dollar a month cost covering his addictions.
I don't have to tolerate his abusive comments or insults, no one to fight with.
I can leave a party any time I want.
I can go to bed anytime I want with out getting grief.
I don't get woken up in the middle of the night when he is drunk and hits the side of my bed.
I don't have to sit in a bar with him, just to make him happy.
I don't have to drive in a car with him when he is drunk or falling a sleep at the wheel.
I don't have to cringe every time I hear another beer can open, or see him trying to hide his Saturday morning breakfast drinks.
I don't have to smell weed in my house everyday and try and hide it from my kids.
I don't have to smell his rotten stale breath with alcohol on it, or wake up to my bedroom stinking as the alcohol is coming out of his pores.
I don't have to cringe when the garage door opens and he is coming home, then pretending that I am a sleep so I don't have to engage with him.
No more sleeping in my car, in the hospital parking, lot because he is drunk and won't leave me alone in the middle of the night.
No patching. and painting my walls from him either kicking them in or punching holes in them.
No more dealing with a self centered, narcissistic man who only thought of his happiness, and no one else....

I can go on for ever, this is truly cathartic, we should all have this list of what we "don't miss" dealing with an alcoholic. Don't get me wrong, I still love my AXH, but would never go back to the way I lived. EVER!!!

healthyagain

Let me tell you something. While I was with an A, I knew I was living in chaos, but I only realized how chaotic everything was after I left him. And I cannot believe that it was my life.

Like this X-mas, I just had such a good time, and I did absolutely nothing special. I just knew what to expect today and there was nobody to yell at me, keep me awake, complain about the meal, throw food against the wall, yell at the dog, cuss the birds . . . I got up, took the dog out, ate, made new mailing stickers, talked to my sister on Skype, went for a game of fetch, cleaned the bathroom, listened to some X-mas music, ate again, fed the dog . . . . no drama, nothing to ruin the day, nothing to send my blood pressure through the roof.

And it will be like that tomorrow, and the day after, and the day after.

Eauchiche

My peace has been hard-won and a slow process. I have spent almost the last two years wondering if I made the correct decision to leave.
Now I am starting to realize that I was the only one of the pair who had any desire to work things out. I kept giving and getting very little in return.
Now, there is clearly nothing left. I am finding peace in my acceptance of this fact.