I Finally Ended It...Now What?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2014
Posts: 22
I Finally Ended It...Now What?
I first came here just over a year ago, 15 weeks pregnant and totally lost, just trying to keep my head above water with an unemployed alcoholic/substance abusing boyfriend. Things would get better for a minute, then he'd drink/use again. I'd be devastated all over again, feeling hopeless and like I was drowning.
The baby came in May, and with her, of course renewed promises of getting sober for his daughter. Promises of staying in AA, entering a program, seeing a therapist, getting on an antidepressant. He never stuck with any of this things. But you know what he did stick with? Drinking. Being chaotic. Ruining holidays, birthdays, random evenings or days of the week. I was constantly the one taking care of the baby because I was too terrified and not dumb enough to put her in his care. And then last week he was home early- the babysitter was there because she has to be since he's not allowed to take care of his own daughter- and she had to leave at 3 and I needed to stay at work until 4...and I was stuck and thought 1hr, while I watched on the nanny cam, would be alright...but he just seemed off. So instead of going back to work like I said I was, I went and got an alcohol test kit. I came back and asked him to take it. I could already smell the booze. He failed. I finally got his stuff packed into the car and dropped him at his parent's house. While the sitter stayed with the baby, of course. They put him in some hotel for a few days.
I was heartbroken. I wanted so badly for him to have tried to get sober and be a good dad.
4 days later, after some of the most heartfelt apologies from him, I said I was willing to talk about one last chance. But something had already changed inside of me. He had crossed a boundary the day he drank when he KNEW he was supposed to watch her for an hour.
I sat him down and told him that if he ever drank again that that was the end. No more chances ever. I had said it before, but obviously I hadn't stuck to my guns.
Last nigh he left for his recovery program at 5. It's over at 6:30pm. When 8:15pm came and went, I knew I was done. I knew he had been drinking and that this was the last time I was ever going to have to deal with it. He came in with bloodshot eyes, smelling of booze, with some story about how he fell asleep in the car. Sure, sure. I asked him to call his mom and pack what was important to him because he was leaving and never ever coming back. I got called crazy and unstable and insane. I went out to the car and found his drink cup.
His dad came and got him.
I put the baby to bed and cried myself to sleep.
I found the receipt for the vodka and juice in the car on the way to work this morning. Which felt good only because he almost had me second guessing my accusation because that's how insane it is to be with an alcoholic.
I'm sad for my daughter. That her father chooses alcohol over her. I feel guilty for having chosen to have a baby with him when it will hurt her in ways she won't know quite yet. I'm lonely to be the single mom of a 6mo baby. I feel like I'll never meet anyone I'll love as much as I loved him. I feel like I'm tainted by all this. Damaged goods. It hurts so, so much but I know that I won't ever have that awful tight feeling in my chest ever again when he's totally wasted and I'm totally devastated...yet again. It's only been the 1st day, but it's been okay.
I know a lot of you have been through this because I've read many of your stories.
Sorry this is so long. I just had to get it out somewhere where people understand.
The baby came in May, and with her, of course renewed promises of getting sober for his daughter. Promises of staying in AA, entering a program, seeing a therapist, getting on an antidepressant. He never stuck with any of this things. But you know what he did stick with? Drinking. Being chaotic. Ruining holidays, birthdays, random evenings or days of the week. I was constantly the one taking care of the baby because I was too terrified and not dumb enough to put her in his care. And then last week he was home early- the babysitter was there because she has to be since he's not allowed to take care of his own daughter- and she had to leave at 3 and I needed to stay at work until 4...and I was stuck and thought 1hr, while I watched on the nanny cam, would be alright...but he just seemed off. So instead of going back to work like I said I was, I went and got an alcohol test kit. I came back and asked him to take it. I could already smell the booze. He failed. I finally got his stuff packed into the car and dropped him at his parent's house. While the sitter stayed with the baby, of course. They put him in some hotel for a few days.
I was heartbroken. I wanted so badly for him to have tried to get sober and be a good dad.
4 days later, after some of the most heartfelt apologies from him, I said I was willing to talk about one last chance. But something had already changed inside of me. He had crossed a boundary the day he drank when he KNEW he was supposed to watch her for an hour.
I sat him down and told him that if he ever drank again that that was the end. No more chances ever. I had said it before, but obviously I hadn't stuck to my guns.
Last nigh he left for his recovery program at 5. It's over at 6:30pm. When 8:15pm came and went, I knew I was done. I knew he had been drinking and that this was the last time I was ever going to have to deal with it. He came in with bloodshot eyes, smelling of booze, with some story about how he fell asleep in the car. Sure, sure. I asked him to call his mom and pack what was important to him because he was leaving and never ever coming back. I got called crazy and unstable and insane. I went out to the car and found his drink cup.
His dad came and got him.
I put the baby to bed and cried myself to sleep.
I found the receipt for the vodka and juice in the car on the way to work this morning. Which felt good only because he almost had me second guessing my accusation because that's how insane it is to be with an alcoholic.
I'm sad for my daughter. That her father chooses alcohol over her. I feel guilty for having chosen to have a baby with him when it will hurt her in ways she won't know quite yet. I'm lonely to be the single mom of a 6mo baby. I feel like I'll never meet anyone I'll love as much as I loved him. I feel like I'm tainted by all this. Damaged goods. It hurts so, so much but I know that I won't ever have that awful tight feeling in my chest ever again when he's totally wasted and I'm totally devastated...yet again. It's only been the 1st day, but it's been okay.
I know a lot of you have been through this because I've read many of your stories.
Sorry this is so long. I just had to get it out somewhere where people understand.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2015
Posts: 314
Hey there, I'm so sorry for what your going through. I have been in your shoes and I can tell you that while it's not easy, one day at a time, you will get there. You've made the best decision for you and your daughter. You've put her first by removing you both from that and you are a great mum for that. She will realise that one day too even though she is so little now.
My daughter is 18 months now, I left my husband when she was about 9 months old... Yes it is hard to do it on your own but actually it's easier in some ways too. No stress, no worrying or feeling angry about the drinking.
It's incredibly disappointing I know, to have him let you down time and time again. But now that you are off the roller coaster you have a much higher chance of living a more fulfilling and happy life xx
My daughter is 18 months now, I left my husband when she was about 9 months old... Yes it is hard to do it on your own but actually it's easier in some ways too. No stress, no worrying or feeling angry about the drinking.
It's incredibly disappointing I know, to have him let you down time and time again. But now that you are off the roller coaster you have a much higher chance of living a more fulfilling and happy life xx
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I know it's hard right now, but when it's time, it's time.
You can bet you will get a raft of apologies and promises AGAIN tomorrow or the next day. He might even go into rehab. Now that he's out, I would suggest you not let him come back unless and until he's been SOLIDLY sober for AT LEAST a year. Getting someone out is the hard part.
I'd suggest you talk to a lawyer about support and custody.
You can bet you will get a raft of apologies and promises AGAIN tomorrow or the next day. He might even go into rehab. Now that he's out, I would suggest you not let him come back unless and until he's been SOLIDLY sober for AT LEAST a year. Getting someone out is the hard part.
I'd suggest you talk to a lawyer about support and custody.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 9,010
I am so sorry. This is a very, very difficult thing you just did. I counted days like sober alcoholics do as it does get better but you need to put some time together with him gone and for grieving this huge loss. Best book for grievers: How to Survive the Loss of a Love
Member
Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: Laurelton
Posts: 178
Oh LB79, how I want to cry with you. My heart goes out to you and that baby. I have been where you are. You are doing the right thing! I have similar memories...coming home and AH asleep while my 4 year old is running around and my 2 year old daughter is trapped in her seat, realizing that my AH Drove my son somewhere under the influence.
I kept thinking who would do this, this has to get better but it didn't. Maybe for a short period but But not for good. I couldn't live like that anymore and I don't regret leaving, only not leaving sooner. How I wish I could hug you...
You are not alone, continue to trust yourself and your judgement, not his. What a shame that someone cannot be trusted with their own innocent flesh and blood. Thank god that precious baby is ok but don't give him anymore chances! Those feelings for him I too felt for my AH, the love, the not wanting to be with anyone else. I was there and I tell you, I no longer feel the way I once did. Me and my children deserve someone that will fight for themselves as I hard as we've fought for him. He wanted to do the bare minimum, which wasn't enough and I refused to stand by and watch him continue to take us for granted. Strength to you for standing up, stand strong and stand firm....
It will get better, I promise....hugs to you!
I kept thinking who would do this, this has to get better but it didn't. Maybe for a short period but But not for good. I couldn't live like that anymore and I don't regret leaving, only not leaving sooner. How I wish I could hug you...
You are not alone, continue to trust yourself and your judgement, not his. What a shame that someone cannot be trusted with their own innocent flesh and blood. Thank god that precious baby is ok but don't give him anymore chances! Those feelings for him I too felt for my AH, the love, the not wanting to be with anyone else. I was there and I tell you, I no longer feel the way I once did. Me and my children deserve someone that will fight for themselves as I hard as we've fought for him. He wanted to do the bare minimum, which wasn't enough and I refused to stand by and watch him continue to take us for granted. Strength to you for standing up, stand strong and stand firm....
It will get better, I promise....hugs to you!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Texas
Posts: 2,872
You are not alone. Not alone!! There are many of us gladly raising our kids alone because the father either doesn't wabt to be around or it's not safe (emotionally or physically) for them to be around. My youngest was 18 months when I decided enough was enough. She will be three soon. I don't regret leaving when I did-in fact I'm damn proud I did leave when my girls were so young, my only regret is not leaving sooner. That is a revelation that I never saw coming-and one that only came with time and healing. You will be ok. You are a good, great, damn good mom.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
LovesBulldogs......You ask, "What Now"........
This: Make 3 appointments--
1. With a lawyer (as per Lexiecat's post)
2. Find the nearest alanon meeting place and begin to attend
3. With a personal counselor or therapist
It is time to stop looking back....you can grow very old waiting for history to change. You can write whatever future for yourself that you want.....but, that can only be done by facing forward.....
It is not really different than what the alcoholic is told. for the alcoholic...putting down the drink is just the first step....but, it is not the whole job......it is the internal changes that bring about recovery.....they are told that it is "an inside job".
Same of the loved one....or the co-dependent.....leaving the alcoholic is only the first baby step......it is the internal changes within one's self that makes the difference in the rest of the l ife......
dandylion
This: Make 3 appointments--
1. With a lawyer (as per Lexiecat's post)
2. Find the nearest alanon meeting place and begin to attend
3. With a personal counselor or therapist
It is time to stop looking back....you can grow very old waiting for history to change. You can write whatever future for yourself that you want.....but, that can only be done by facing forward.....
It is not really different than what the alcoholic is told. for the alcoholic...putting down the drink is just the first step....but, it is not the whole job......it is the internal changes that bring about recovery.....they are told that it is "an inside job".
Same of the loved one....or the co-dependent.....leaving the alcoholic is only the first baby step......it is the internal changes within one's self that makes the difference in the rest of the l ife......
dandylion
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 3,699
I feel like I'll never meet anyone I'll love as much as I loved him.
I am sorry you are hurting, but I am oh so excited for your and your family's new future!!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 2,052
Now you know. You may not know exactly what to do right now, but you know it has to be without him if your daughter has any chance at all of a normal childhood. Continue with him and, like me, twenty years from now there's a good chance you will be dealing with a suicidal, miserable, self-destructive girl who is attracted to men just like her father. Take care-- I'm very sorry this has happened to you. Please protect your daughter. Please.
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