My son sees the STBAXH as the hero. :(
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Join Date: Oct 2015
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Thanks for the suggestions and support. My daughter is going to be 23 in a few weeks and I just recently spent time with her and my son for 5 days for Thanksgiving. Then last week she and I went on a girl's trip to Vegas for 4 days with a friend of mine and her daughter who is friends with my daughter. So while my dream would've been to go away with both of my kids for the holiday, staying home is not in any way letting my daughter down. She's probably had her fill of me at this point.
However, I am a little upset with myself now that you point out my codie behavior that I did allow his wants to dictate my and my daughter's trip cancellation for the holidays. So, that being said, I might look into a quick getaway, even just for me. I wasn't so thrilled about leaving him home alone, as he has gotten himself into a bit of trouble in the past. But he can't stay with my AH because his bachelor pad is a one bedroom, nice and selfish. I think I might just have to bite the bullet, and let my son stay home alone and hope my house stays in tact. It's very late in the game to plan a trip, but I think I'll spend some time today looking into it. I always wanted to go to Asheville.
As for doing/not doing for my son. I found myself opening his duffle yesterday from college to do his laundry. I stopped myself and thought nope, he does it at school, he can do it at home. He's not even speaking to me, why would I continue to do stuff like this? His being home has brought my codependency right back into light and it's slapping me all over the place. This is a good reminder of how much work I still have to do. Holy moly.
However, I am a little upset with myself now that you point out my codie behavior that I did allow his wants to dictate my and my daughter's trip cancellation for the holidays. So, that being said, I might look into a quick getaway, even just for me. I wasn't so thrilled about leaving him home alone, as he has gotten himself into a bit of trouble in the past. But he can't stay with my AH because his bachelor pad is a one bedroom, nice and selfish. I think I might just have to bite the bullet, and let my son stay home alone and hope my house stays in tact. It's very late in the game to plan a trip, but I think I'll spend some time today looking into it. I always wanted to go to Asheville.
As for doing/not doing for my son. I found myself opening his duffle yesterday from college to do his laundry. I stopped myself and thought nope, he does it at school, he can do it at home. He's not even speaking to me, why would I continue to do stuff like this? His being home has brought my codependency right back into light and it's slapping me all over the place. This is a good reminder of how much work I still have to do. Holy moly.
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
Good for you - I just got back from working at the Biltmore its so lovely at christmas. I would stay at the Grove Park Inn and treat myself to multiple spa treatments and their gorgeous spa.
Set boundaries with your son. If he trashes the house or can't abide by the rules - then next time there won't be a next time. Will have to stay on Daddy's couch! I was 19 once and a total assh*le. My parents had a condo in Vail and we went for Christmas every year. One year, I think I was 20, I got expelled from the Christmas trip (and deserved it though I didn't feel that way at the time).
I know its hard with your son and I empathize for you both., but remember that it doesn't mean you are a door mat nor do you have to put up with disrespectful behavior (silent treatment to a parent after a while is disrespectful, and controlling - it is YOUR house after all).
Set boundaries with your son. If he trashes the house or can't abide by the rules - then next time there won't be a next time. Will have to stay on Daddy's couch! I was 19 once and a total assh*le. My parents had a condo in Vail and we went for Christmas every year. One year, I think I was 20, I got expelled from the Christmas trip (and deserved it though I didn't feel that way at the time).
I know its hard with your son and I empathize for you both., but remember that it doesn't mean you are a door mat nor do you have to put up with disrespectful behavior (silent treatment to a parent after a while is disrespectful, and controlling - it is YOUR house after all).
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Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: USA
Posts: 2,393
Originally Posted by FindingAmy 
Thanks for the suggestions and support. My daughter is going to be 23 in a few weeks and I just recently spent time with her and my son for 5 days for Thanksgiving. Then last week she and I went on a girl's trip to Vegas for 4 days with a friend of mine and her daughter who is friends with my daughter. So while my dream would've been to go away with both of my kids for the holiday, staying home is not in any way letting my daughter down. She's probably had her fill of me at this point.
However, I am a little upset with myself now that you point out my codie behavior that I did allow his wants to dictate my and my daughter's trip cancellation for the holidays. So, that being said, I might look into a quick getaway, even just for me. I wasn't so thrilled about leaving him home alone, as he has gotten himself into a bit of trouble in the past. But he can't stay with my AH because his bachelor pad is a one bedroom, nice and selfish. I think I might just have to bite the bullet, and let my son stay home alone and hope my house stays in tact. It's very late in the game to plan a trip, but I think I'll spend some time today looking into it. I always wanted to go to Asheville.
As for doing/not doing for my son. I found myself opening his duffle yesterday from college to do his laundry. I stopped myself and thought nope, he does it at school, he can do it at home. He's not even speaking to me, why would I continue to do stuff like this? His being home has brought my codependency right back into light and it's slapping me all over the place. This is a good reminder of how much work I still have to do. Holy moly.
However, I am a little upset with myself now that you point out my codie behavior that I did allow his wants to dictate my and my daughter's trip cancellation for the holidays. So, that being said, I might look into a quick getaway, even just for me. I wasn't so thrilled about leaving him home alone, as he has gotten himself into a bit of trouble in the past. But he can't stay with my AH because his bachelor pad is a one bedroom, nice and selfish. I think I might just have to bite the bullet, and let my son stay home alone and hope my house stays in tact. It's very late in the game to plan a trip, but I think I'll spend some time today looking into it. I always wanted to go to Asheville.
As for doing/not doing for my son. I found myself opening his duffle yesterday from college to do his laundry. I stopped myself and thought nope, he does it at school, he can do it at home. He's not even speaking to me, why would I continue to do stuff like this? His being home has brought my codependency right back into light and it's slapping me all over the place. This is a good reminder of how much work I still have to do. Holy moly.
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Join Date: Oct 2015
Posts: 222
Ok, so he's been home since Friday night and so much has happened.
My STBAXH picked him up on Friday night at the airport and brought him home and dropped him off. Nothing big happened that night or Saturday. Sunday was when it all changed.
Sunday my son watched football all day, which is typical, and totally fine. He was civil to me, but nothing more. I will take civil. I went out with my friend when I came home he was still watching football. I told him things I was doing the next day and asked him if he'd like to come. He said he was going to work with his father M, W and F this week. I said, thats good, but odd, because you never wanted to do that before (I know, before you jump all over me, it was not the best thing I could've said, but it certainly was much tamer than what I wanted to say). He said to me, which I'm very proud of, "mom, I don't want to feel like I'm picking one of you over the other." I got it and told him I don't want him to feel that way either and I was sorry. And I went to lie down in bed. Well, my emotions got the best of me and I started to get a bit teary.
I came back out and asked if we could talk. He turned off the tv and I said "nothing you could've done could've ever stopped dad from drinking. Nothing I could've done either. And there is nothing I could've done to stop him from leaving. He made a decision, and I asked him not to go and to try and work it out, but he refused to work it out and insisted on leaving." i don't really remember much more of what I said, but he stood up and said he needed to go call my SIL. (My SIL is an ACOA and we had a breakthrough conversation with my son over thanksgiving). He cried to her for about 30 minutes and they did alot of talking.
It seems that my son assumed my husband moved out because I either kicked him out, or because I was such a b*tch he couldn't handle it and moved out. He also was under the assumption that my husband was coming back, because when he told our son he was moving out he said it was temporary (afterwards I was like why in the world did you tell him it was temporary?! Once again, he can't ever tell the truth, too much of a coward, but that sh*t always catches up with you). When he realized my husband wasn't truthful with him, and that he left willingly (even with my asking him not to leave and work on us), he said his whole world got turned upside down all over again. In talking to my SIL he agreed to get therapy. So I'm trying to line up someone for him.
So apparently my husband came over to pick my son up to go to work and my son told him he didn't want to go with him and they talked for 15 minutes. I didn't ask him what was said although i really wanted to know. Last night my son said "dad wants to know if i want to go to work with him tomorrow. what do i say?" I said whatever you say, make sure it's your truth. Don't go if you are doing it to make him happy and don't stay home if you're doing it to make me happy. Do what makes you happy. Always be honest and take care of YOU.
I know I can't help my son, but I just don't know what to say to him. I read so much last night on ACOA and the damage that gets done. I know I can't fix it now except by showing him my recovery. I went to Alanon last night and I will continue going. I just wish there was something I could say to him. I know I have to Let Go and Let God, but it's so hard.
Yesterday we were somehow on the subject of kids drinking at college and getting sick. I asked him if he ever had and he said no. He asked me if I ever had and I said yes, i spent a few college nights regretting how much I drank. He said ok, i did get sick on my birthday from drinking too much. I said why wouldn't you tell me and he said he was afraid i'd get mad. So we talked about honesty and if he had said he did and i got upset, how he could've responded. I am stressing to him how important it is to be honest to yourself and to others.
I think my main goal would be for my kids to really have self worth, self love, be able to give themselves self care and form healthy relationships. I'm pretty sure all that is out of my hands at this point.
Oh, also, he said he feels very abandoned by my husband and my daughter, who did not come home for the holiday. I called her last night and told her that her brother needed her and i would like it if she could come home, so she's coming next week. We've got quite a few weeks ahead of us here.
And my husband keeps making marriage counseling appointments, but then keeps telling me he doesn't want to work on the marriage. I have no idea what this craziness is all about. I go because I feel it is helpful for our communication with the business, although it really doesn't do much. At this point, I keep any communication with him to an absolute minimum. I speak to him maybe once a week, if that.
My STBAXH picked him up on Friday night at the airport and brought him home and dropped him off. Nothing big happened that night or Saturday. Sunday was when it all changed.
Sunday my son watched football all day, which is typical, and totally fine. He was civil to me, but nothing more. I will take civil. I went out with my friend when I came home he was still watching football. I told him things I was doing the next day and asked him if he'd like to come. He said he was going to work with his father M, W and F this week. I said, thats good, but odd, because you never wanted to do that before (I know, before you jump all over me, it was not the best thing I could've said, but it certainly was much tamer than what I wanted to say). He said to me, which I'm very proud of, "mom, I don't want to feel like I'm picking one of you over the other." I got it and told him I don't want him to feel that way either and I was sorry. And I went to lie down in bed. Well, my emotions got the best of me and I started to get a bit teary.
I came back out and asked if we could talk. He turned off the tv and I said "nothing you could've done could've ever stopped dad from drinking. Nothing I could've done either. And there is nothing I could've done to stop him from leaving. He made a decision, and I asked him not to go and to try and work it out, but he refused to work it out and insisted on leaving." i don't really remember much more of what I said, but he stood up and said he needed to go call my SIL. (My SIL is an ACOA and we had a breakthrough conversation with my son over thanksgiving). He cried to her for about 30 minutes and they did alot of talking.
It seems that my son assumed my husband moved out because I either kicked him out, or because I was such a b*tch he couldn't handle it and moved out. He also was under the assumption that my husband was coming back, because when he told our son he was moving out he said it was temporary (afterwards I was like why in the world did you tell him it was temporary?! Once again, he can't ever tell the truth, too much of a coward, but that sh*t always catches up with you). When he realized my husband wasn't truthful with him, and that he left willingly (even with my asking him not to leave and work on us), he said his whole world got turned upside down all over again. In talking to my SIL he agreed to get therapy. So I'm trying to line up someone for him.
So apparently my husband came over to pick my son up to go to work and my son told him he didn't want to go with him and they talked for 15 minutes. I didn't ask him what was said although i really wanted to know. Last night my son said "dad wants to know if i want to go to work with him tomorrow. what do i say?" I said whatever you say, make sure it's your truth. Don't go if you are doing it to make him happy and don't stay home if you're doing it to make me happy. Do what makes you happy. Always be honest and take care of YOU.
I know I can't help my son, but I just don't know what to say to him. I read so much last night on ACOA and the damage that gets done. I know I can't fix it now except by showing him my recovery. I went to Alanon last night and I will continue going. I just wish there was something I could say to him. I know I have to Let Go and Let God, but it's so hard.
Yesterday we were somehow on the subject of kids drinking at college and getting sick. I asked him if he ever had and he said no. He asked me if I ever had and I said yes, i spent a few college nights regretting how much I drank. He said ok, i did get sick on my birthday from drinking too much. I said why wouldn't you tell me and he said he was afraid i'd get mad. So we talked about honesty and if he had said he did and i got upset, how he could've responded. I am stressing to him how important it is to be honest to yourself and to others.
I think my main goal would be for my kids to really have self worth, self love, be able to give themselves self care and form healthy relationships. I'm pretty sure all that is out of my hands at this point.
Oh, also, he said he feels very abandoned by my husband and my daughter, who did not come home for the holiday. I called her last night and told her that her brother needed her and i would like it if she could come home, so she's coming next week. We've got quite a few weeks ahead of us here.
And my husband keeps making marriage counseling appointments, but then keeps telling me he doesn't want to work on the marriage. I have no idea what this craziness is all about. I go because I feel it is helpful for our communication with the business, although it really doesn't do much. At this point, I keep any communication with him to an absolute minimum. I speak to him maybe once a week, if that.
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Amy, I think you are really wise. Your son is at a point he can handle the truth, even though it's a hurtful truth. His father hurt him. He is going to do the right thing, seek therapy. He reaches out for those who support him. Those are excellent tools in and of themselves. Some hope those they love will do those things, and yet they never do.
I think you are doing great things both for yourself and your children. Keep working on yourself and setting that example for him!
Many hugs!
I think you are doing great things both for yourself and your children. Keep working on yourself and setting that example for him!
Many hugs!
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Join Date: Jul 2015
Posts: 246
Originally Posted by FindingAmy
I think my main goal would be for my kids to really have self worth, self love, be able to give themselves self care and form healthy relationships. I'm pretty sure all that is out of my hands at this point.
In time, hopefully, there will be more understanding/forgiveness from your children that life's complicated, and we, as parents, do our best with the best intentions and love in our heart. Hang in there, Amy.
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
You're doing great, Amy, and so is your son. Doing great doesn't mean you don't have pain, but rather that you are learning (both of you) to work through it in healthy, constructive ways.
Sounds to me like you raised some great kids, and they have a terrific mom.
Sounds to me like you raised some great kids, and they have a terrific mom.
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,452
Amy, congratulations BIG TIME.
You've gotten what it means to be a codie, and internalized, and now you are working toward letting everybody be free. Free to experience truthfully what is actually happening, free to respond in concert with and in honor of their own needs and truth.
That's major.
A friend of mine used to tell me what she called the Basque Creed:
Show up
Be present
Tell the truth without blame or judgment
Don't be attached to the outcome
ShootingStar1
You've gotten what it means to be a codie, and internalized, and now you are working toward letting everybody be free. Free to experience truthfully what is actually happening, free to respond in concert with and in honor of their own needs and truth.
That's major.
A friend of mine used to tell me what she called the Basque Creed:
Show up
Be present
Tell the truth without blame or judgment
Don't be attached to the outcome
ShootingStar1
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2015
Posts: 222
Thanks all.
ShootingStar1, i love that Basque Creed. I'm going to give that to my kids. This is some crazy hard and painful work. But I'm happy if they can do the work now, rather than when they are my age.
Thanks for all the support, I'm really needing it!
ShootingStar1, i love that Basque Creed. I'm going to give that to my kids. This is some crazy hard and painful work. But I'm happy if they can do the work now, rather than when they are my age.
Thanks for all the support, I'm really needing it!
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